Pack: cockmonkey, Suckit Wrench, Stunt Cock (or visitor), Big Piles, Accidentally Anal, and …. CANIS LICKUS

Announcements:
All sorts of trails coming up, including the one in theory this week (Thursday the 2\34th) with AGM after wards.  So Piles, how bout those Detrails?

#271 and the Approximately AGM

cockmonkey’s log, beerdate 5.23.13

Start: 100 University Drive, Amherst

Hare: Big Piles

Pack: Suckit Wrench, cockmonkey, Vomit Sutra, Nutter Butthole, Tasty Topple, Two Minute Ride, UFO, Bilbo Teabaggins, Just Betsy, Anticock

Well, it doesn’t ALWAYS rain on a Big Piles trail, and not all the trails that have rain are Big Piles trails. However, this time it was definitely raining and a Big Piles trail. But that’s OK, I need to wash my kilt anyway and Two Minute Ride said something about needing a shower.

A cluster of cars formed, with hashers filling the spaces in between, as they sheltered under umbrellas (or just didn’t get out of the car). Apprently some hashers don’t like getting wet (or maybe it’s the lowering of body temperature… excuses either way).

As the pack trickled in (no pun intended) the question was voiced, “Do we still run trail, or just go right to the on-after?” Well, we all know there was only one answer for that. Trail of course, we need to build up a mighty thirst for beer after all.

In face of such vibrant enthusiasm from the pack, our intrepid hare emerged from his vehicle. A very detailed and precise chalk talk followed while cockmonkey held a sheltering umbrella aloft for the hare. “Marks look like this!” With that the hare snagged his umbrella and dashed away across the swiftly running river that was the parking lot that we stood in. There was so much water our hare appeared to be running over a lake until the rain (or maybe our own cars) obscured him from sight).

Well, such an abrupt departure by the hare must mean that he has no need for much of a cranium start (and besides, it was fucking pouring), so off the pack went after the hare. Also, we really wanted to follow the trail before the marks completely washed away. In case you were curious, they washed away pretty darn quick.

Somehow the pack managed to follow the entire trail, with no losses to drowning. It was a close thing but we managed to circumnavigate the parking lot. It was serious business, I’m telling you.

Once back at start we all felt that our appetite was at least wetted and we might as well finish everything up at the on-in. So on to the ABC.

So after a few years we really were overdue for our AGM, which is why we announced it would be after this trail ahead of time. We might actually have been inspired by the fact that Anticock felt it was time to pass on the mantle of RA, possibly wandering back into scribe. However it came up that scribe seems to have extended to website maintenance (being the main creator of content) which made him reconsider if he actually wanted to do that. The opinion of the kennel was voiced that they in fact liked cockmonkey’s scribing, and she was pretty happy continuing to do so.

Bilbo Teabaggins volunteered to take the mantle of RA, “I can mismanage as well as the next person!” And Tasty Topple was nominated for Dementrix, “I’m usually a sub, but I think I can do that.”

Treasurer/Haberdasher stays with Piles, because the website is on his credit card and its just easier that way. Also, we don’t have to dig up and transfer all the gear.

A solid interest in sweatshirts was expressed, as well as significant willingness exhibited for preordering to cover the cost of a sweatshirt run. Tasty Topple is getting us in touch with someone she knows who may be able to give us a good price on silk screening. We are all excited at maybe having the 10th anniversary shirts out in time for the 15th anniversary.

Piles gets to stay as GM. We are not sure if this makes him happy or sad.

Cockmonkey stays as scribe and webmatrix

Trail schedule was tweaked, as well as two virgin lays scheduled!

#272, 6/6, cockmonkey & Bilbo Teabaggins, Peter Pan bus station parking lot, Noho
#273, 6/20, cockmonkey & Tasty Topple, VIRGIN LAY – Southampton/Easthampton?
#274, 7/3, Anticock with a K, hot tub?
#275, 6/18, Suckit Wrench, Big Piles Memorial Hash Crash Bash
#276, 8/1, Big Piles & Two Minute Ride, VIRGIN LAY – Chicopee?
#277 8/15 ??

#272 (or 269+3)

cockmonkey’s log, beerdate 6.6.13

Start: Peter Pan bus station, Northampton

Hares: cockmonkey & Bilbo Teabaggins

Pack: Big Piles, Suckit Wrench, Counterfeit Dick, Guns N Blows Jizz, Two Minute Ride, UFO, SHOW ME THE PENIS, Vomit Sutra, and the surprise Virgin Shaun.

This may also be known as the trail of really friendly curious old people. Apprently kilts are attention getting.

So this was to be Bilbo’s first time haring in the Happy Valley, and his second time as a hare ever. It had been ages since cockmonkey co-hared a trail. But that was ok, they had a plan. Ok, they knew where the beer was going, that counts as a plan, right?

Bilbo decided there was no reason to show up early for trail, so he arrived with UFO sometime while cockmonkey was out hiding the beer. Turns out he has some amazing ideas about his stamina because he was planning on laying trail while carrying the beer.

Meanwhile the pack was gathering by ones and twos. Also some curious and possibly confused mundanes wandered by. Turned out that there were TWO graduation ceremonies going on in Northampton that evening, Smith College and PVPA. So traffic sucked, parking sucked, lots of mundanes walking about, but fortunately the restaurants weren’t yet crowded (we’ll get to that part). Cockmonkey knew at least who said they’d be cumming, so was waiting for the last of them, when lo and behold a stranger appeared. Well, lots of strangers were around, and we were pretty strange to most of them, but this one was looking for us!

Yes, we had a surprise virgin! Our new RA not only has been reaching out and sharing the word to others, but managed to convince one to bring. And the virgin was a brewer at ABC. WIN!

So off the hares went, and immediately things got interesting. With two hares they could split up and leap-frog through trail, only when cockmonkey split off to lay true trail through a restaurant patio (hey there weren’t many people in it!) and out through an alley Bilbo went ahead to the parking garage then forgot if he was doing true or false, so ran back to try and catch cockmonkey. Fortunately he figured out which trail was true early on, and made it to the parking garage before cockmonkey started really worrying (and just confused her).

While Bilbo lay trail throughout the parking garage, cockmonkey jumped ahead and took trail from the parking lot into a hallway that came out on Main Street by the Artists Guild, then back around where the hares met up again. Maybe the pack had started by now? We weren’t sure, but we knew it was time to work together and shoot along across back lots, up side paths, across streets, and ultimately get to the beer check.

Waiting comfortably at the beer check the hares waited, and were surprised to see our Virgin in the forefront. Imagine that. He’s a quick learner. Well within a reasonable amount of time the entire pack was present and it was time for the hares to continue. So off we went to take the trail through a church parking lot and winding throughout more of Northampton until we hit Smith College.

Smith had few students but lots of curious friendly old people. In fact some nearly caused the hares to be snared, figuring that one person running by wearing a kilt was a coincidence, but two running by meant something was going on. So as Bilbo ran to catch up from laying a false he was stopped by inquiring minds. Eventually he had to excuse himself since he knew the pack was closing the distance (and because cockmonkey was probably confused as all hell, which she was).

Well, somehow the hares managed to stay a few minutes ahead of the pack, and even managed to not get questioned by campus police while waiting at the beer check. We knew the pack was close when we heard the lovely echoing refrains from the song check right around the corner.

When the pack arrived, where was Counterfeit Dick? Well, no one was really sure, but apprently he also ran into some helpful old people who informed him that he was REALLY far behind everyone else. He was obviously quite grateful for their help (not really), and eventually joined us for some brew.

So some final winding through Noho with only temporarily losing some of the pack right before the end. But finally we were all there and it was time for circle and then the rain started. We didn’t really mind, a light rain when we’re hot in sweaty is nice.

While it was Bilbo’s first time RAing, since he was one of the hares Piles took over for the start of circle. Oh yeah, and he made the Virgin cum, Piles ran the dementing as well. Well, as soon as the Virgin finished his civic (well, Subaru) duty helping some civilians. At the beginning of the demonstration of how to do a down down our Virgin proved his eagerness by trying to drink too soon, and when we told him ‘Not yet!” he froze, uncertain if he should spit or swallow (we told him it was OK to swallow).

So, the dementing! Asked what is the square root of 69 he responded “It takes two to tango?” At least it was creative. When asked about helping his Uncle Jack off, he asked “how big is my ladder?” and then informed us that he has an uncle Jack that he’s not fond of, so he’d let him dangle. Before getting off the bus full of gay’s he’d find out where it was going, in fact he proudly proclaimed that “I’d ride that bus until the end!” He also learned that nodding one’s head with a vessel full of beer firmly held on top could lead to spillage, when informed that he can lift it up by Piles our Virgin replied “Nah, it’s already in my eye.”

Yeah, this dementing went on a little bit, but it was fun. A single held in front of cockmonkey’s kilt was guessed to be “One doll-hair.” And so on went the dementing, with the interjection from our Virgin that “It hurts my knees when I laugh!” But eventually we finished it and pronounced him Just Shaun. His only complaint about the devirginization was there was so little beer in his vessel, which we remedied.

Oh yeah, Bilbo also needs to work on remembering the PourMe virgin song. Just saying. 😀

FRB: Guns & Blows Jizz
FBI: SHOW ME THE PENIS!
DFL: UFO

Digitizing: Just Shaun, SHOW ME THE PENIS!, and Guns & Blows Jizz

Around this time Nutter Butthole showed up, stopping by on her drive home from the airport in CT, and was hit for failing the sweat test (Vomit was her designated drinker).

Nerd Names: UFO, Just Shaun, Two Minute Ride, SHOW ME THE PENIS

Blood on (and before) Trail: SHOW ME THE PENIS and cockmonkey

Around this time Just Shaun announced that he wanted to go explore nature, we told him just go (though he’d be drinking for it). “Do I take or leave my cup?” Obviously we were amused but didn’t really care, “I’ll just pee and drink at the same time, just like at home!” For some reason while he was urinating I believe someone mentioned a Steve Carrel resemblance, but it might have been a different celebrity.

We acknowledged are hash hound’s 13th birthday, and then Vomit Sutra tried to accuse hashers of zenning… which of course backfired. We also later got Vomit Sutra for peeing in (out of) circle. Other accusations of the night included headgear in circle by UFO… but no one was wearing it while they were in the middle, and then later UFO accused SHOW ME THE PENIS and Just Shaun for racing attire… the problem was SHOW ME THE PENIS’ “Boston Marathon” was the BH3 event and Just Shaun’s was a beer run, at which Bilbo said “I feel like I need to drink for knowing you.”

Just Shaun was pulled in for pissing in circle, “I found one of your cars… it’s faster now!” Then because Vomit Sutra knows an extra verse to “Pissanya” and Two Minute Ride tried to go forward with ending the song, we pulled Two Minute Ride into the circle.

Trail Treasure also abounded. Not for the hash shit, but Two Minute Ride was wearing some speakers like a scarf and UFO wore the antenna in her hair.

UFO was hit for no whistle, Counterfeit Dick for being the only kilted hasher with NO KILT, Visitors did their thing (and sang Yogi Bear) and for the hell of it we honored the RA for his first circle… with Jesus Saves.

Then Guns & Blows Jizz couldn’t contain himself anymore. He wanted to know if he was being renamed. Apparently there was some contention about what in fact was his real name. Was it Guns & Blows Jizz, was it Fire Fairy? Unfortunately he seemed just a little too eager to be renamed, and few of us present witnessed the ‘Fire Fairyness’ so as far as we knew his name was Guns & Blows Jizz, and that we weren’t sure he really earned a new name. On the otherhand, we have faith in his ability to do something ridiculous enough to earn one at some point. Seriously. And that was BEFORE the BMX guy came by, wiped out, and then let Guns try to do the same jump. In case you’re wondering, it was an attempt epic for its lack of sucess.

Various announcements including:
Boston RDR – June 22nd (carpooling anyone?)
GAP – August 16-18 (last GAP ever… this year)
Next HVH3 trail is the 20th, likely in North Amherst, the one after that will be July 3rd and hared by Anticock with a K.
CVNTS have a trail on July 7th.

#273

cockmonkey’s log, beerdate 6.20.13

Hare: cockmonkey

Pack: Suckit Wrench, Big Piles, Two Minute Ride, Gun N Blows Jizz, Bilbo Teabaggins, Just Shaun, Virgin Sarah, Virgin J, Virgin Rob… and UFO at the second beer-check

Start: Mill River Recreation Area

After days and days pouring rain IT WAS ACTUALLY SUNNY. And we had THREE virgins. Two were the results of efforts by Two Minute Ride paired with those of Nutter Butthole, the last was Suckit’s cousin who only knew that he was invited to enjoy some beer.

Start time moved from 6:30 HST to 7 HST. You know, like we do. Largely waiting for Suckit and his cousin. We will wait for virgins. Wouldn’t you?

Well finally the people who said they were coming came, so out was time for chalk talk. Chalk talk was pretty simple, though the pack was earned that trail might list rather than really follow a straight line.

So the hare was off, and really hoping she could stay ahead of the pack. What the hell is up with actual athletes joining the pack? Damn overachievers. Long story short, the hare scampered.

The hare scampered a lot. She kept thinking she heard whistles and pack calls. Who knows if this is true. Don’t care, more scampering.

Fortunately it seems no one got lost on the way to the beer check. Unfortunately the hare sliced her finger open on a bottle cap, but we think ask the blood was kept out of the beer.

Well, flour staunches blood flow, right? So, onwards! Hopefully the scenic beer-check hold the pack long enough for the hare.

Maybe the trail nominally going through The Harp will allow them down?

As the hare hauled the beer out of its hiding place and began lugging it to the check she heard a voice. And lo and behold the hare beheld UFO. Unfortunately for UFO this did not count as snaring the hare because she was not close enough to touch the hare until cockmonkey was sitting at the check opening a beer. Eventually the rest of the pack showed up.

The last bit of trail was short, with only minor trespassing.

Circle began with calling the hare into the circle. Feedback varied from ‘hopefully first of many’ from Virgins Sarah and J to ‘I think there’s a tick on my balls’ from Two Minute Ride.

Then the dementing of the virgins. Our virgins were not good at math, though eventually Virgin J guessed 8.5, which is actually pretty close. A few of the regular hashers actually got the joke completely for the first time. As foot the bus full of gays Virgin Sarah would get off many times, Virgin Rob said that it would be hard to stay on while getting off, and Virgin J would be the first to leave. No one really knew what to make of the dollar bill, with Virgin J guessing ‘George & 2 vag’ due to the number of harriets with dollar bills, and Virgin Rob offered ‘a Springfield whore’ as an answer. They were also less than helpful to their Uncle Jack, with Virgin Rob curious about how hot Jack’s wife was.

The virgins came for different reasons. Virgin Rob heard there was beer and came. Virgins Sarah and J were variously talked into it. Their sponsors helped demonstrate how to do a down down. At ‘what does not go in you, must go on you (etc)’ Just Shaun added in ‘true story.’ And Bilbo remembered his virgin song!

FRB was Suckit (how did that happen?)
FBI was UFO/Virgin Sarah (and when one virgin drinks…)
DFL was Virgin J

As circle progressed Just Shaun repeatedly spilled his beer, ‘like a retarded puppy humping every piece of furniture it gets attention.’

I can’t read all my notes. But lots of people drank for pissing/leaving circle, some blood on trail, nerd names, tech on trail, and a few others. Cockmonkey had to drink for taking the pack through a bar with no stop. Especially as they ran by the owner who wanted to know what they were doing, and Piles had to answer ‘looking for beer.’

Future trails were announced, on-after decided, and we disbanded to go our different ways

#274

cockmonkey’s log, beerdate 7.3.13

Start: The Harp

Hare: Anticock with a K

Pack: Suckit Wrench, cockmonkey, Just Rob, Pornstarboard, Just Mike, Big Piles, Not Enough Fingers, Vomit Sutra, Metro Testicles, Nutter Butthole, Counterfeit Dick, SHOW ME THE PENIS!, Just Karen, UFO, Bilbo Teabaggins.

The original plan for this trail was going to involve tubing, but due to excessive rain the planned for stream had developed some rapids and the plans were changed.

For a change from the past weeks of rain, it was a bright (hot), sunny day. Hashers from all over the area were present. We didn’t know what to expect, except that at some point we were likely to get wet. Trail was to be cajun. This was also apparently a somewhat punctual trail, so with the trail prelaid the pack was sent on their way before the arrival of UFO and Bilbo.

So off we went down the road. And kept going past the turn to take us to Puffer’s, and then on even further. Finally we turned into UMass by the new dorms and made the final stretch to the beer check. We were all horribly thirsty, but cheap beer is like water, right? Actually, there was water as well, but there wasn’t any Just Rob. Hopefully the heat combined with his gaping head wound didn’t do him in, so we had the hare in his truck go back along the trail to see if he was still alive.

Before we started off on the next leg of the trail the hare came back, without Just Rob but with Bilbo and UFO. One hasher for two? I guess that’s a fair trade.

So uphill the pack went along trail out of UMass. And then away from Amherst towards Puffers. The pack may have gotten a bit spread out, with our intrepid scribe falling quite a bit behind. In fact, by the time our scribe reached the shores of Puffer’s Pond, the pack was gathered on the far side and the beer was being brought in from the water by Counterfeit Dick. Rather than walking around the pond, cockmonkey swam across Puffer’s Pond to the beer.

Well, fortunately, Just Rob was not dead in a ditch. He autohashed with the hare, but we got to make him drink for it later.

Techincally there was trail from the pond back to the Harp, but the pack voted to zen their way back. Cockmonkey hopped in the back of Anticock’s truck.

Circle was buggy. We could have done it on the deck at the Harp, but there were all sorts of people eating/watching TV on the deck and their kitchen was completely closed that evening. Counterfeit Dick avoided this completely by heading home early. Due to the various ways that we all ignored trail, FBI (SHOW ME THE PENIS), FRB (Vomit, with Heather as designated drinker), and DFL (cockmonkey) were based on the beer check not arrival at the Harp.

The hare was accused of being too punctual. We also had Bilbo, UFO, cockmonkey, and Just Rob for autohashing, and Just Rob, Nutter Butthole, Porn Starboard, UFO and Bilbo were hit for missing a beercheck.

Around this time Metro wanted to premier a new song, “Fuck me up before you go, go,” and promptly fucked the song up. At least I think he did. I might have been too busy slapping mosquitoes. The fuckers.

Cockmonkey happily called herself in for birthdays, which also hit Just Mike and Anticock. Then Just Mike had to stay in for cranium gear. And then later he was back in for being the only blood on trail.

Big Piles, Porn Starboard, UFO, and SHOW ME THE PENIS! were all hit with digitizing.

Someone threw out “checking out Porn Starboard’s ‘chesticles’, at which most of the circle went in, but oddly enough, not Just Mike, her legally bound other half. We dragged him in on principle.

About half of us drank for changing before circle. In particular cockmonkey who swam across a pond fully dressed with her shoes on.

We called in the visitors, but the only song Nutter knows is Yogi Bear, so off that song started. It was rolling along nicely until Bilbo killed it by singing that Cindy likes girlbears… and calling her bi-polar… That’s our RA, keeping it classy.

Backsliders included Metro Testicle, Anticock, Porn Starboard, and Just Mike.

Vomit proposed a down-down for being Metro Testicle, but we decided it was weak and made him (and by him we mean his proxy, Nutter) drink.

At this point we were being eaten alive by insects regardless of bug spray and ran out of beer. So what was the point of more accusations. Announcements were thrown out quickly, and then religion.

#275 | BASH #4
Third Annual Big Piles Hash Crash Bash

cockmonkey’s log, beerdate 7.18.13

Start: 100 University Drive, Amherst

God, it was hot and sticky, and that’s just Vomit’s shorts, we were all pretty sweaty before trail started.

Present:
The Hare: Suckit Wrench
Pack: cockmonkey, Metro Testicle, Big Piles, Just Rob, Vomit Sutra, and a special appearance by Tasty Topple!

That’s right, the hasher in a brace, recovering from a serious injury, made it to trail.  What’s your excuse?

Well, we finally decided that no one else was showing up, at least not until the end when we expected Tasty Topple.  So chalk talk was brief.  Basically we were looking at a Cajun trail, with true trail arrows standing in for ‘beer near’.  We are not sure why, but it made sense to the hare.

So of went the hare on his one speed BMX.  We meanwhile enjoyed hydration while allowing the hare to actually get far enough ahead of our larger multi speed bicycles.

Eventually we stopped jerking off, locked up our cars, and rode off into the sunset after beer.  This year we actually managed to have several people wearing helmets, instead of just Piles.

Fortunately for all of us, Suckit had decided to shorten the trail in respect for the god-awful heat.  We still managed to get lost briefly, helped by the leavings of a flour fairy on the bike path bridge.  Supposedly Suckit never even went on the bridge…  Anyway, eventually we found the trail and shortly after the beer (yay).

Well, then it was off to the next beverage check, which was not quite so close as the first.  Cockmonkey, being both the slowest and a secret co-hare, decided the marks were merely a suggestion, and spent about half of this leg of the trail zenning.  After all, she did set out the check.  This meant that she showed up way before everyone else (what a jerk) at the beverage check.  Fortunately Suckit found where she hid the beverage, and they dug in to the tasty drink.

So, it turns out that mixed drinks when you’re sweating balls can be risky business.  But you know what?  Dr. McGillicuddy’s Vanilla in Coke is pretty damn tasty, especially with 3 or 4 shots in it.  I think the rum and coke was good too, but I didn’t have that.  Either way, after this check getting back on the bikes was questionable, but Suckit mounted up and rode off into the sunset (or maybe not, I have no clue what direction the sunset was relative to the direction he went, but I’m sure he was facing it at SOME point).  As the pack started off, cockmonkey had some trouble getting back on her bike, so she started to zen for saftey, walking her bike as she recollected her balance.

Eventually everyone was on their bikes, even if one was blatantly ignoring marks and making her unsteady way back to start.  That being said, it was pretty hard to actually ignore the 20+ ft long squiggly marks left by the hare (which is pretty impressive considering he was drawing them with sidewalk chalk while riding a bike).

But when we got back to start guess who was there!  TASTY TOPPLE.  That’s right, crutches were no hindrance for her (or at least only a minor one).  What’s your excuse for not cuming?

So circle, with the hare, pack, and Tasty Topple.  It got started in an understandably drunken disorderly way.  Suckit drank for attempting to set the record for longest hash marks EVER.

As FRB we had Vomit Sutra, FBI we had cockmonkey (because even if you discounted the zenning, she would have been the first bitch in), and DFL was Just Rob.  Tasty Topple was honored for failing the sweat test and backsliding.

Somehow things got to Piles reminiscing about having a foreskin at some point, but has no clue when it was snipped or even any related painful memories.  Maybe he just wanted to tell us about being naked in the bathtub as a child.

Our visitors were Metro Testicle and Vomit Sutra.  I have some note about Metro getting to “I have to pee!” while making a really funny face and then losing it, but I think it had something to do with their song and laughing rather than him pissing himself.

Oh yeah, aren’t we supposed to make the hare drink for laying trail?  About that… and let’s pull in cockmonkey since she helped.  Cockmonkey also drank for “zenning for saftey” or perhaps for hitting the drunk wall before finishing the second drink check as well, and Suckit for tech on trail (some sort of distance gadget).  Then they both drank again, but this time for blood on trail.

Just Rob had to drink for polluting the air during circle… this could have been for farting or for cigarettes, I don’t remember.

Then Vomit called in anyone who lacked a bike, or needed theirs worked on before trail pulled in circle… Just Rob, cockmonkey, and Tasty Topple (so what if she can’t ride a bike at all right now?).  The circle then called in Vomit (as well Just Rob for his Sweat Cape) for changing before circle.

Nerd Names got almost everyone in. Vomit Sutra, Suckit Wrench, cockmonkey, and Just Rob.

Then someone pulled out “Nipples on Display” and called Just Rob into the circle,  who’s chest hair was described as “like a bonsai gone wrong.”  Then that was turned into not showing nipples, and it was decided that “Girls Gone Hashing” should be a movie.

Vomit brought up his favorite accusation, “If your name is Metro Testicle” – of course he was drinking for Metro.

Just Rob and Tasty Topple were brought in for recently having staples removed, which was followed by named hashers without a name necklace on (Tasty Topple, Big Piles, Vomit Sutra, Metro Testicle, and Suckit Wrench), and a whistle check (cockmonkey, Just Rob, Tasty Topple, and Metro Testicle for Vomit Sutra).

#276 | Two Minute Ride’s Virgin Lay

cockmonkey’s log, beerdate 8.1.13

Hares: Two Minute Ride and Big Piles

Start: Somewhere in Hatfield behind a waste water treatment plant.  Shitty spot, no?

Pack (I give no promises that anyone’s name is spelled correctly, particularly the NFN wankers, but then they haven’t been named yet so it doesn’t really matter):
From the Happy Valley (or possibly not, a few of the virgins I have no clue about): Suckit Wrench, cockmonkey, Bilbo Teabaggins, UFO, Just Sarah, Just Shaun, Just J, Virgin Betty, Virgin Ryan, Just Rob, Just Karen, Gunz and Blows Jizz, Just Jim

From our friends up north, the CVNTs: Vomit Sutra, Nutter Butthole, Not Enough Fingers, Metro Testicle, Stage Fright, Just Trevor, Just Vic (aka Sparkles), Just Sarah, Just Jesse, Virgin Megan, Just Amanda, Virgin Teryn, Virgin Rob

That lone wanker from Da Pitts (and at the only official PooFlinger): Counterfeit Dick

That’s a big pack (and a lot of not named hashers)!

In addition to this being a virgin lay, it was also Vomit Sutra’s birthday.  And possibly national clown day.  And someone told us that Vomit Sutra hated clowns.  So was there really any other option than to do a secret clown theme for this trail?  I think not!  Also, we were given promises of happy fun wet times, and were all advised to bring something that we could float on (pool noodle, life jacket, blow up doll, etc).

As you can imagine, we made for a rather… distinctive looking group.  Particularly since we were so colorfully arrayed in the middle of fucking nowhere (wait, I’m sorry, arrayed by a river behind a poop filtering plant, and possibly a regular boating launch point).

Sadly, it turns out that Vomit Sutra doesn’t actually really care about clowns either way, but we still had fun with the theme.

So we circled up go chalk talk which the hares had drawn out.  There were a lot of checks.  Joke, song, group hug, tit, dick.  Even YBF, which Vomit requested that it be changed to ‘you’re being fucked.’

Meanwhile Vomit’s family gathered with intent of shenanigans.  Sneaky, like moose, they gave him cream pies right to the face.  Of course we weren’t sure what exactly was in the pie tins, so Gunz rose to the challenge and tasted Vomit Sutra.  I’m sure we could have asked Nutter Butthole or Not Enough Fingers, but tasting also works.

Well, this was a virgin lay, so we had a virgin explaining the trail marks.  He did a fine job of explaining what each check meant, but forgot to actually explain how one followed trail to find checks and to find trail again.  So cockmonkey stepped in to give a primer explanation on how to run trail for all of the virgins, and then Piles finished the chalk talk tag team.

Vomit blessed the hares liberally with flour (and carpenter’s chalk), and then the hares were off.  Meanwhile the pack wasted time with ‘My name is Joe’ and various dicking around.

So out we went to explore a small part of Hatfield.  At least some of the many corn fields in Hatfield, and exposing private parts in said corn fields.  But eventually trail leads to even better things than awkwardly exposed sweaty penis.  Like beer (after a quick dip in water).

While at the check on the shore of the Connecticut River, Two Minute Ride pulled out his own birthday surprise for Vomit Sutra.  See, what Vomit Sutra really wanted for his birthday was a speedo.  Well, it wasn’t a speedo, but it was a quite dandy man-thong, which Two Minute Ride had attempted to decorate with “hashy birthday”.  To be honest, as Vomit quickly stripped naked in front of all of us and donned said thong, I didn’t look too close.  There was also a high quality pink & white cow spot print holster and gun set for him.  Ya, just picture that.

Well, the pack was told we had to wait until the hares got to the opposite bank of the river to start, and there was a group up check (to make sure we all got across safely) on the other side.  Well, that makes it hard to snare the hare.  Well played.

Getting us all across took a long time.  But we all made it safely and ran along trail, promptly got lost, then found trail again.  By now it was starting to get darkish, particularly when under tree cover.  We also caught the notice of some mundanes who were entertained by our cavorting.  Eventually, after discovering some deep mud, we found the beer check.  The hares seemed to have scattered early on, so some of the pack started to make their way earlyish as well since there was still some daylight if little.

Well, Gunz may have been fast enough to catch up to the hare, but the slow wankers who left early weren’t, and in fact were still wandering around further along the river when the pack who stayed for extra beer enjoyment started to catch up.  Around this time we realized we had to cross the river again, so we started to dive in and make our way across.  In case you’re wondering, it’s rather difficult to swim across the Connecticut River with a full beer in hand floating on a pool noodle.

So it was time for circle, and if we weren’t wet enough already, it started to rain.  Also, we had a huge ass pack with a lot of virgins.  Circle may have gone on a bit, to the point where we decided to delay naming Just Rob (even though it meant not getting to embarrass him in front of his virgin).  The best accusation possibly of all time came from Just Trevor and was something like “If you smell like Paula Deen (or was it Betty Crocker) fucked the Stay-Puffed Marshmallow Man inside a creampuff.”  I was laughing pretty hard, and a bit drunk, but it was awesome.

There were various things announced, next PooFlinger trail, next CVNTs trail, next HVH3 trail (also a virgin lay), GAP.  Then we closed out with hash religion and those of us not stumbling home to pass out went to the on after.

#277 | UFO’s Virgin Lay

cockmonkey’s log, beerdate 8.15.13

Start: Behind Silk City Tavern (now J.J.’s Tavern), Florence

Hares: UFO & Bilbo Teabaggins

Pack:
Happy Valley: Suckit Wrench, cockmonkey, Just Rob, Big Piles, Just Shaun, Virgin Emily, Guns & Blows Jizz, Just Caleb (NEW TRANSPLANT YAY!), Two Minute Ride, Virgin Tim, Pornstarboard, Just Mike, Anticock with a K, Virgin Erou, Just Ryan, Virgin Hannah, Virgin Hannah^2 (SURPRISE VIRGIN!)

CVNTs: Vomit Sutra, SHOW ME THE PENIS!, Nutter Butthole, Just Mike

Da Pitts/PooFlinger (ok, so there are other PooFs, but TFB): Counterfeit Dick

So I’m not sure if we’re getting bigger or if wankers come out of the woodwork for virgin lays. I think I’m just going to have to announce all my trails from now on as “virgin” lays and see if anyone notices…

So this was exciting. New location, new hares, new hashers (including both transplants to the area and virgins), new tattoos (and the resulting peeling skin covering Two Minute Ride’s back).

Chalk talk was a bit complex, lots of different checks, some “social” checks that require the entire pack (like a Jesus Saves Check or a Group Hug Check), others only requiring a handful. We had the normal checks, tit checks, dick checks (though the artistry inspired Piles to ask if it was in fact a Lance Armstrong check). Then once chalk talk was completed Piles led the blessing and we shooed the hares off.

Turns out it is pretty easy to waste time when you’ve got a pack size of roughly 20. Also it is very easy to attract attention, especially when the bike path runs right alongside where we gathered. And for once, this was a good thing. A young lady succumbed to our beckoning (or at least her curiosity) and came to see over who the hell the large group of wankers in kilts were. Once she found out we were running for beer she was signed up, and Virgin Hannah^2 joined the pack.

So that Virgin Hannah^2 wasn’t completely lost, we handed her a beer and cockmonkey reviewed the chalk talk. At this point we decided that Guns & Blows Jizz was just flat out missing, so it was time to get going. Pockets were emptied, cars locked, and the pack was off… and then Gunz showed up. Better late than never, eh?

It didn’t really hold us up much, mostly because the pack got a bit lost almost immediately, and then divided and further confused along with general inability to find marks. Thanks to some uncertain checks and a back check we also definitely confused the locals.

Through a number of group hug checks and through an apartment complex with a police officer talking with some residents. Finally we found beer in the shiggy, and there was much rejoicing. This was also a great time to silly big spray as the blood suckers were emerging. To give the hares a cranium start and the pack time to finish their beer a round of ‘I used to work in Chicago.’  Two Minute Ride really likes the verses with HIV or AIDS in them, I wonder what that says about him.

Eventually we actual got back to trail (and about a dozen group hug checks), and into a cemetery. And what better to do in a graveyard on a public road than to have a Jesus Saves check in front of a oddly suggestive grave marker.

One thinks that the hares forgot quite how long Jesus Saves go on for. Really, we tried to keep it short. About that… We eventually finished the song. Eventually. God damn it is a long song. We did finish before full dark.

The next beer check wasn’t. In fact it was a Holy Spirits Check. Mmmmm Jaeger (or at least mmmmm if you like liquorish).

So here comes the part where we were (mostly) as bit of a dick. See, the check was on the bike path. And we started right of the bike path. Of course we were maybe two to three blocks down the street from the start had we even bothered to go up that way (well, some of us bothered to go to the street before zenning). End result was 90% of the pack made it to start before the hares. Gunz was not one of those to make it back early. Maybe he showed up when the pack should have, or maybe he got a little lost.

So one cool thing about our where the trail started is that we were right behind J.J.’s Tavern (does that make anyone else think of J.J. the Jet Plane?), and our hares had talked with the proprietor beforehand and secured permission to be loud and raucous on the lovely outdoor second floor patio. This meant we got to order food BEFORE circle. Awesome.

If you’ve never been there, the second floor patio is pretty boss, however it was also a bit awkward to do circle on because it was kind of distractingly neat. That and the horseshoe shaped bar only had one entrance, so we had a built in circle but lots of shuffling around to get in and out of it.

Our FRB was Two Minute Ride, with Nutter Butthole as FBI. DFL was Gunz (that’s what getting lost will get you),

But this WAS a virgin lay, so we the hares needed to get in circle even more than normal. Feedback included: too many water crossings, too much hash (marks) on trail, not enough headstones, more religious based fellatio, something about holes in shoes by one of the virgins, expressions of feelings towards the wasps on trail, and that group hugs are kind of weird with just two people.

And then it was time for the virgins. We had a lot of them. Most of them came to drink, Virgin Erou came to enjoy life. Virgin Hannah^2 was made to come by the hashers, and her goal was to find the hidden treasure (at which points kilts were raised… though it may be worth pointing out that at that point whatever was under the kilts no longer counted as “hidden” treasure).

Well, then something different happened. We had caught the eye of some dudebros at the bar who were there to celebrate their (soon to be arriving) friend’s 21st birthday. They came by and asked if we could perhaps sing for their friend. Sure, why not?

Then came the questions. We’re pretty sure Virgin Hannah^2 was a hasher in a previous life because she knew how to answer ALL THE QUESTIONS. Even the square root of 69. Well, perhaps she didn’t answer “all you can eat under a buck” but I would argue that “my next drink” works just as well. Either way, we had our way with the virgins, all of them, at once, right out on the patio. Oh baby oh baby. Then we tossed them out of the circle because they were no longer virgins and we had other shit to do.

Like harass dudebros watching our shennanigans. How, do you ask? Well, they were on the edges of circle and they CLEARLY failed the sweat test. So Jessie & Alex were pulled into the circle for a down-down, since they had just witnessed virgin instruction. Should they ever make it to a hash they are still virgins because they’ve never been on a damn hashing trail. Oh yeah, we sung them Yogi Bear. I’m not sure if they’ll be hunting us down after that.

Birthdays would have been short and sweet, but one of the virgins had an August birthday, and when one virgin drinks, all virgins drink. I’m just going to say now, there was a LOT of that the whole evening.

We not only then brought in the backsliders, but for the hell of it brought in people who had no clue what was going on. Because we can. After all, if you weren’t paying attention how do you know the accusation doesn’t apply to you?

And did we say birthdays? Brodude birthday boy showed up! Ok, I’m actually being mean, they might not actually be brodudes, but too fucking bad, are you writing the hash trash? That’s what I thought. So we brought him into circle and sang to him along with giving him a 21 bun salute. Or at least he saw lots of man ass, math is hard. I’m sure it was more than enough. Then we gave his friends more shit, because why not (possibly had something to do with them playing with their phones while standing in circle as we serenaded the birthday boy). Earlier we had sung Yogi Bear, so you’d think we might be nice and do a short song. Heh. About that. How about Frigging in the Rigging?

Then because it was getting late and we had things to do, we did a big catchall down-down for a laundry list of accusations. We had some humiliation to dish out.

That’s right. We had some naming to do.

First off we brought in Just Rob. I told stories, I am not going to write them out in full here, catch me in person because they’re way better that way (especially if I’m drunk). First story involved his work history, as a stripper, which surprised most of the circle (and possibly intrigued a number of the ladies). I may have gotten some details wrong, but any story involving pizza delivery and a job offer to be a stripper works well, and apparently he is making this the new official version. Then there was the story about how he fell asleep going down on his girlfriend not once, not twice, but THREE times in a go. So then came the questions. He considers his biggest tip ever was $500 when he was auctioned off, he likes squirters, and he was once known as Cowboy LeRoy. Of course he wouldn’t dance for us, so Bilbo danced for Just Rob. I’m not sure Just Rob appreciated it. We had some fantastic (and horrible) names thrown out, Cooter Snoozer, Femcakke, Kimchee Cum Dumpster, Cunlingzzz, but the winner was suggested by Counterfeit Dick: *zzznrk* Twat?

So, one more naming before we’re done. After all, even if his attendance has been sporadic, Just Mike has been hashing for a year or two and has even laid trail. What did we have on him? Well, he wasn’t ever a stripper, but he is now legally bound to Pornstarboard and is a huge fan of boobs (yay boobies). Other things that were unearthed include that he has a PhD, that he doesn’t like butts/anal, doesn’t like cats (or maybe its just cats walking in while he’s having sex), has lots of antique weapons, and that perhaps his most awkward sexual encounter was when he fell asleep mid coitus… while on top. Name suggestions included Fuck-a-by-Baby, Irish Contraception, Oh You Said Axe, Pussy Equations, Wiggle My Anus, and the list went on until Rear Admiral was suggested. At that point we voted between Rear Admiral and everything else and Rear Admiral won by a landslide.

Then one last thing before religion. THE HASH SHIT RETURNED TO THE HASH. We had a whole new crop of hashers who had never seen our hash shit, nor even any true hash shit. Actually, our RA didn’t know what to do with it, so cockmonkey was called in to run this part of circle. So first, the accusations. Big Piles was nominated by cockmonkey for promising Anticock that he wouldn’t get it again if he brought it back, Anticock suggested that someone from the CVNTs get it because of the “Happy CVNTs” thing, but that was shot down, Just Hannah^2 was suggested because she was trail treasure, and Two Minute Ride nominated Gunz and Blows Jizz because of lots of lost.

Well, as it turns out Gunz was REALLY excited about the hash shit. It totally rocked his world. So much that he campaigned for the hash shit. So yes, he won, though I’m not sure if this is good or bad considering it now seems to be his precious. So we started singing for the cleansing of the hash shit when the bartender came up to talk to us. Seems we were a bit loud and the neighbors were complaining… so we got KICKED INTO THE BAR. Um, OK. Well, anything from there is just anticlimatic especially as we only had 3 more songs to finish circle completely.

#278

We had an awesome pack gathered, including some hashers we hadn’t seen in ages like Super Chicken, and others who were newly settled like Stunt Cock.  However since the hare was off hiding the beer (he said something about working late, as if), we had to amuse ourselves.  Let’s just leave it as kilts + hackey sack.  I know you’re all jealous that you weren’t there.

So eventually the hare showed up to lead chalk talk.  Pretty standard shtuff.  There was some debate about what a whichy-way looked like, but regardless of if it looked like an IUD or not, it was to be treated as a check for dumb people (trail goes one of two ways).  We also were warned of a Super Song check, which was a social check that we had to wait for the entire pack (spoiler alert: it was in walking tunnel under the road that has amazing acoustics, you know, the one the pack has drawn their own song checks at when cockmonkey took trail through there and failed to).