Hash Trash from 2013

#267 | Zombie Jesus Hash #5

cockmonkey’s log, Beerdate 3.23.13

HVH3 #267
Zombie Jesus Day Trail #5

Start: 100 University Drive, Amherst MA
4:30 hst

Hare: cockmonkey (b/c she’s only hared all the other Zombie Jesus trails)

Happy Valley: Big Piles, Tasty Topple, Suckit Wrench
CVNTs: Vomit Sutra, Nutter Butthole, Jenny Cougar MelonCans, Not Enough Fingers, Virgin Karen, Virgin Nancy, Virgin Dan, Virgin Chrissy
Halve Mein: Willy Wanker, DeciBelle, PigFucker, Boxer Queef, Tubslut, Footloose & Fanny Free, Just Scooter
Boston: Wikipedophilia, Oink Oink Ohhhhhh, Takes it in the Assberger
Pink Tacos: CPA, Tailgagger
PooFlingers: Counterfeit Dick, Pussy Factory, Jimmy Crack Whore

In case anyone was wondering, the high temp for the day was supposed to be 40. Maybe it was that warm before the wind chill. But otherwise it was a lovely day.  Really, the sun even came out note and then.

The pack showed up in spurts.  The Boston hashers might have been first, but the hare observed them making their way into Rafters for some pregaming, so Willy Wanker was the first to arrive.  It should also perhaps be mentioned that all but three of the CVNTS present are blood relations (mother, her two “virgin” sisters, daughter, and son).  The remaining CVNTs include two co-workers and the main squeeze of one of those family oriented hashers.  However very early on it was discovered that Virgin Chrissy spoke through sign language, which started the game of hashers wanting to learn how to sign their names and of us trying to figure out if we actually knew any sign language at all.  This continued on through the On-After.

Several wankers who had rsvp’d called out foot various reasons (stuck at work, booty call, etc).  Those jerks.  Had a few unexpected hashers, so it was shaping up for a totally rockin time.

Since it was testical-retractingly chilly, and circumstances prevented the hare from pre-laying any of the trail, Big Piles was deputized to run chalk talk (and to tell the pack that all the easter eggs would be around beverage checks) and the hare snuck away aiming for as much of a lead as possible.  In case anyone isn’t aware, cockmonkey is a slow hare.

The hares gambit may have worked, since she remained unseen by the pack until the first beverage check.  Thankfully the entire pack made it across rt.9/116 without anyone getting into a horrible automotive incident.  This counts add a good thing.  The pack arrived at the chalk B carefully marked on a bridge in the middle of the bike path.

While there was some beer at the check, the main beverage was not beer.  No, instead we had the blood of Christ in the form of Baggo.  What would easter be without communion wine?  Actually, the baggo was shockingly tasty for really cheap box wine.  Largely the hashers only collected eggs right by the check, however Lego had fun finding all the other eggs, and others picked up candy from the eggs that didn’t go out due to opening in the bag and spilling their tasty contents into the carry sack.

Only a few minutes after the runners the walkers appeared on the bike trail in view of the check.  Piggy gathered the men, as it was a virgin’s birthday and she was upset at the lack of man package.  So this was remedied by a flashing line for the approaching birthday girl.  At this point the hare ducked away, so that she had a chance of a cranium start before the pack got cold (or ran out of booze).

The hare was scurrying along, leaving flour in her wake.  Also a tit check before the trail left the woods for residential Amherst.  Going down the hill, approaching the final stretch to the beer check, the hare felt a disturbance in the force.  Looking behind her, up the hill she saw some familiar figures up slope, one wearing a distinctive orange shirt another a pink and green hat.  At least Nutter Butthole and Counterfeit Dick were the ones cockmonkey recognized on quick glance before going ‘oh shit!’ and scurrying to the traffic light where she laid a song check.

Having no clue how many hashers were expected to gather at a song check before moving along to pursue the teasingly close hare, a second song check was laid next to Rafters, and the hare made it down to the storage unit park.  A regular check and the hare was around the corner without another sighting of the hare.

Counterfeit Dick came to the last check on the road right about when the hare laid a ‘B’ and made his approach as cockmonkey was unlocking the storage unit with the beer inside.  Any closer of a shave would have left this hare with raser burn!

Apparently a storage unit beer check was both new to all the present hashers and a well received idea.  Also, the storage unit had three growlers of really good beer plus all the eggs I couldn’t hide because the pack was on my ass.  Turns out as long as there is ready access to chocolate chilly drunk hashers don’t care.  The baggo was still with us and continually enjoyed.

The unit created a nice haven from the wind and cold for those inside, and brew was enjoyed by all.  Once we knew the whole pack was present the hare went out to finish the trail.  Which meant she missed Footloose and Fanny Free impersonating a wrecking ball to a neighboring storage unit.  Fortunately we had DeciBelle to impersonate Wonder Woman and she mostly fixed the (visible) damage to the door.

The sun was lowering in the sky as the pack finished the trail.  The last of the pack simply cutting across the field to the parking lot.

Circle was run by Big Piles, who opened circle by thanking Jesus (aka Willy Wanker) for actually showing up.

Then onto more normal things, like the Hare.  The hare got the usual evaluation, I’d enumerate the comments, but I didn’t write them down so we can just fill in the blanks appropriately.  Actually the responses were slightly more positive than usual, so perhaps rather than just a shitty trail it also sucked (and there’s nothing wrong with that).

And didn’t we have VIRGINS at this trail?  Oh yes, yes we did.  All from the CVNTS, and shockingly not QUITE all of them were related to Vomit Sutra.  That being said, his mother did bring her sisters, and he brought two co-workers, so mother and son showed the aunts how to do it.  Virgin Nancy hoped she’d get off on the bus full of lesbians, Virgin Karen is not very good at math and guessed that the square root of 69 was 33.  The coworkers, well, did about the same.  Virgin Dan and Virgin Chrissy tag teamed when CPA asked “what do you see when I do this?” with Virgin Chrissy signing “vagina” after Virgin Dan drew a blank.  We then asked Virgin Chrissy (who signs “late” to indicate who she is, because she’s always late) if she would help her Uncle Jack off.  After some deliberation Virgin Dan signed the question.

Notable comments while virgins were in circle were:

“You didn’t sign ‘sucking cock’!” – Piggy
“I’m not there yet!” – Virgin Dan

“Dude, every woman in your life is here!” Counterfeit Dick to Vomit Sutra

Then just as the virgins thought they were free to rejoin the circle… we called Not Enough Fingers and her sisters for head (who said head?) gear in circle.

Then came the FRB (PigFucker), FBI (Nutter Butthole), and DFL (Big Piles & Suckit Wrench).  Prizes were awarded, except to Suckit who lives with the hare and can benefit from her discount that was used to buy the prizes at any time.

There were birthdays, including one of the Virgins (it was Karen or Nancy, but all I know is they’re both Not Enough Finger’s sister).

Costume to Willy Wanker (“What costume?”)

Blood on Trail many of the ladies joined along with Footloose and Fanny Free for his noteworth imitation of a wrecking ball at the second beer check.  One of the CVNT Virgins (yes, I suck at names) got a bit worked up over the Tampon Factory song, and wanted something equally demeaning for the men, or at the very least a showing of some upstanding cocks (in retrospect, the line “the Jocky with the upstanding cocky” comes to mind rather than whatever song we did sing) since it was her birthday.

We then had visitors, which we broke down by visiting kennel, because there were a lot of visitors.

There may have been more things we drank for, but we were all cold, I was a bit drunk, and we were all hungry.  I think there was a pissing during circle down-down.

Future trails were announced, in particular there is a PooF trail in Ludlow at 2PM on April 6th.

Then to the On-After, where we were seated in the Pool Room and sampled their fine brews and victuals.  We were having a merry time and actually being respectful of the wedding that was occurring in the other half of the ABC.  And then the bride and groom crashed our on after and we may have recruited one of the guests to come hashing with us in the near future.  Turns out couples that have wedding vows that include consideration for the Zombie Apocalypse love the idea of a Zombie Jesus run.

This photo is in their wedding album.

This photo is in their wedding album.

Other Shite:

website is viable http://happyvalleyh3.org/

WE NEED HARES, tentative schedule for trails here: http://happyvalleyh3.org/upcumming-runs/

Anyone want to lay a trail on April 13 or 14?

#268 | Did Someone Call for a Stunt Cock?

cockmonkey’s log, beerdate 4.3.13

Here we were, thinking there wasn’t going to be a HVH3 trail for another week or two, and lo and behold, we get a query on April 1st (that isn’t a prank) if we’d be down for a trail in two days.  Well we rose to the challenge, for we had a visitor in town.  Well, actually, it was a small pack, but still, we had a pack.

Hare: Anticock WITH A K, Yankee’s Suck

Pack: cockmonkey, Suckit Wrench, Stunt Cock (or visitor), Big Piles, Accidentally Anal, and …. CANIS LICKUS

So, what is it so far this year about really fucking windy days when we set trail?

We met inside the Harp, with it seeming like a rather small pack, with just Suckit, cockmonkey, Big Piles, Stunt Cock and our hare.  But as we gathered to go outside for chalk talk, cockmonkey heard her name being cried out!  There was Accidentally Anal, looking for the pack and trail, so our numbers went up by one!

So there was a chalk talk.  Sort of.  Really Anticock just drew marks in the dirt with his foot and announced there was nothing weird.  Falses might be marked, and that there might be at least one YBF that was doubled marked.

The pack was off, rather slowly at first because we didn’t quite trust the hare that the trail went the way he indicated until we actually saw hash marks.  We finally found them, and thus reassured, attempted to move along the trail with a bit more speed.  In case anyone is wondering “a bit more speed” mostly applies to Accidentally Anal and Stunt Cock, and slightly less (though we tried) to Big Piles, Suckit Wrench, and cockmonkey.

Trail did it’s usually winding thing, and at a check we lost Accidentally Anal.  Possibly lost Stunt Cock as well as he was out of sight, b/c I didn’t see which way he followed trail.  Either way, us slower wankers made our way up hill and found enough marks to indicate we were on trail.  We tried calling to Accidentally Anal but she seemed to be out of hearing range.  Or we didn’t try to calling very hard.

Up the hill we climbed, not bothering to run, because what do you think we are, athletes?  And soon our laziness was rewarded!  We found Stunt Cock running down hill towards us from a back check!  After diligently counting back we found the actual trail and were rewarded with beer, and evidence of our hare trying to kill us due to placement of beer under a very precariously perched dead tree.

Enjoying some brew (and failing to flag Accidentally Anal, we assumed she found a later part of the trail), we enjoyed the outdoors, and debated if the black SUV we could see was Anticock’s or not.Then what dist we see whilst parking of nature?  But a runner approaching!  Was it a random jogger taking a unique root, or perchance someone more familiar.  In fact it was Canis Lickus, released from his wage-bondage early to join us in frolicking through North Amherst.  Fortunately Accidentally Anal also found her way to us, from the direction we would be soon following once we finished our PBR.

Sated for the time being (or just out of beer), we set off in search of the next beer check.  We had traveled only a short distance before noticing someone who could be Anticock at those of us further behind decided to zen right to him and therefore saw the BN.  We almost lost Accidentally Anal again, as she saw a regular check before noticing Anticock or the BN, but we were able to retrieve (and by we, I mean the faster Stunt Cock) her before she got too far.  So we now enjoyed some more beer, now on the shores of Puffers Pond.  It was however a little bit too cold to go swimming.

At this point we knew there was no more checks, as Anticock had informed us at “chalk” talk that there were only two checks.  So as we left Puffers Pond and the trail went off to the left, Suckit Wrench and cockmonkey decided ‘fuck that’ and followed the road to head directly back to the Harp (in our defense, the trail was dead laid, so it’s not like we were screwing over the hare who was driving back from Puffers to the Harp).

Amazingly, and completely with out any automotive assistance we swear, Suckit Wrench and cockmonkey made it back to the Harp before the pack (but not before the hare).  It turned out that the Harp’s kitchen is undergoing renovation, so there was a limited menu (pizza of mediocre quality), but it was cheap so that and a number of pitchers of beers were ordered.

The pizza took its time arriving, so in the mean time cockmonkey was nominated to RA our circle.  And by circle I mean “us sitting around a table in a bar waiting for food and half-assedly coming up with accusations.”

In other news, we really need to have an AGM, which hasn’t exactly “annual” for some time, so perhaps it’s time to start calling it the Approximately Annual General Meeting.Canis brought up that the pack was far too large for a trail at the Harp.

FRB – Suckit Wrench
FBI – cockmonkey
DFL – Big Piles

Blood on trail and backsliders were done all at the same time, which gave us Suckit Wrench (for a broken open scab bleeding during trail), and our three backsliders (Canis, AC, and Accidentally Anal).

Birthday went to Suckit (one year closer to death)

Visitor: Stunt Cock (who will soon be local to the CVNTS and working at UMass so will be less of a visitor).

Cockmonkey had to go return a beer rental while we were singing to Stunt Cock (who’s visitor’s song was “Yogi Bear” and who soon discovered bringing that one up was a mistake if he wanted it to be short).  So she nominated herself for a down-down for pissing during circle.

Then Bohemian Rhapsody occured thanks to the juke box.

Big Piles accused Anticock of trying to kill us, and we found that AC hadn’t even noticed the impending doom (had been too busy pissing).

Announcements: NURD, pizza’s here, PooF trail on Saturday
We need a hare for our next trail.

#269 | Why two-sixty-nine?  Because 2 69 are better than 1!

cockmonkey’s log, beerdate 4.27.13

Start: Amherst Amtrack Station

Hare: cockmonkey

Pack: Big Piles, Tasty Topple, Bilbo Teabaggins, U.F.O., Vomit Sutra, Nutter Butthole, Not Enough Fingers, Jenny Cougar Melon Cans, Just Betsy, Just Seth, Beat by a Girl

Damn, it was a great day for a hash.  Perfect weather, and plenty of people to scandalize along the path of the trail.  Not only did we have sunbathing college students, but there was some sort of “sustainability festival” going on in the center of town.

Trail start was slightly delayed, waiting for Beat by a Girl who had made a last minute decision to drive out from Boston way to join us the Valley.  As the last one to arrive for trail, and with the fantastically high ratio of hariettes, he was in fact, Beat by many Girls to the trail.

However, a delayed start was not the end, for in the wait the hare set up chalk talk (which was pretty simple, the flip side of doing 99% of the marks with a tennis ball on a stick).  Not only that, but the trail was a dead lay since once the pack left on trail the hare was carrying beer to the checks.  Something about overly public beer check locations and lots of last minute additions to the pack interfering with presetting the beer.

The pack was off, and soon anyone who hadn’t previously known this, learned that cockmonkey lays a lot of checks.  Seriously.  WTF.  On-one, on-two, on-three, CHECK!  And so on.  Hey, a hare has got to make the actually r*nners get some exercise on a short trail.  Or maybe that’s what the really steep hill was for.  I think people give me far too much credit for the machinations of my trails.

The first beer check was along the boundaries of Amherst College, where the pack had dashed about (fortunately no one injuring themselves on Suicide Hill, because that would have been awfully ironic).  The location was a familiar one, a memorial engulfed by a large plot of rhododendrons (jesus, how many consonants does a flower need?) bushes.  There we enjoyed some brew, a growler of Opa-Opa “Winter Warmer” because who cares if it’s “last seasons beer” it tastes good and was only $6 for a growler.  I think we managed to not disturb the wedding going on at the Lord Jeffery Inn, but I cannot promise anything.  Nutter Butthole and cockmonkey got talking about parkour and similar tumbling activities, the result of which was Nutter needed to try a take down roll on Vomit Sutra.  Unfortunately this did not quite work as planned, and Vomit missed his cue to fall dramatically.  Cockmonkey then proceeded to demonstrate with the possible side effect of two kilts failing to cover much.  This supposedly looked pretty bad-ass.  The take down, not the contents of our kilts.  At least I think that’s what they were talking about.

Anyways, cockmonkey had one quick addition to the chalk talk.  She went to where the trail was soon to continue from the beer check and drew an arcane symbol: –|-|-> (or close enough).  Turns out it was a “true trail” mark, and that trail in fact “goes that way.”  So the pack went off and cockmonkey hauled everything to the next check.

Trail wound through the center of town, and through some slightly precarious footing.  However there was no beer check in the CVS parking lot.  None of that for us today.  Instead the trail took the pack past the police station and a church with a daycare in the back, and behind all of this they found the second check.  I think we were safe from the security cameras, since they were trained on the parking lot not at the shrubbery on the edges of the lot.  Either way, it was a nice bit of median between the lot and the road where we enjoyed beer, shared stories, and talked about tattoos.

Everyone, pack and cockmonkey, set off together for the end point.  It wasn’t that far, and why not.  Before circle a few of the ladies ran into the near by building to use the toilet, while men used nature.  In exploring nature, someone found an abandoned bottle of odd vodka which was brought into circle, where it presented hashers with a conundrum and a challenge.

And let no one say that hashers don’t like a challenge.  Oh yes, they did in fact drink it (or at least some did).  The reviews of the mystery vodka finalized on “It’s got a hint of scrubbing bubbles and bleach.”  Yummy.  Everyone who tried it still seems to be alive and reasonably healthy, so that’s good.

So eventually circle actually happened.  It was oddly circular.  Comments on trail included: “Not enough spectators,” “Not enough college students,” “I really wish there was a giant hill in the middle.”

FRB: Just SethFBI: Just Betsy
DFL: Beat by a Girl or Piles, but BBAG offered to take it.

BBAG announced that he is considering self shearing, since if he’s going to remove the beard he might as well get rid of everything.

Then came the various and sundry regular offenses:

  • Vomit was brought in for hash crash, for going down on trail with the hare.  In the words of Piles, “who has a song for Vomit for going down on the hare?”  BBAG volunteered, “If you ever need a note… I know one or two!”
  • Tasty Topple was accused of not crashing or having blood on trail by Piles
  • Vomit Sutra nominated Nutter for R*cist behavior (her “burpees” shirt), but was pulled in as well due to his patches.
  • Bilbo for pissing in circle, “I was told it was going to last a whole lot longer,” and was of course sung “Pissonya”
  • Just Seth for internet lurking, as well as backsliding.  U.F.O. and Bilbo came in on backsliding, for while they are new to the Happy Valley, they had not done any hashes in months (the horror!)
  • U.F.O. then stayed in circle for head crainium gear in circle, and was then joined by everyone who had stood in the  middle of circle with sunglasses on top of their head.
  • Visitors: BBAG, Vomit Sutra, Nutter Butthole, Jenny Cougar MellonCans, Not Enough Fingers, Just Betsy.  BBAG attempted to lead them in Yogi Bear, and his singing vaguely resembled the song we know.  Also, notice how many visitors we had?  Where were all the HVH3 wankers?
  • Transplants!  Yes, we have two transplants from PourMe, U.F.O. and Bilbo Teabaggins, who then led us in a hash prayer.
  • Tech on trail: Bilbo Teabaggins

And then came the fun part.  We had someone who should be named, after all, he had been hashing sporadically for a few years, seemed willing to provide us with much amusing name material, and was about to go to his first red dress.  Yes, we pulled Just Seth into the circle.

Cockmonkey offered some background information about Just Seth, how he first came thanks to his friend’s stepfather, his email address involving “nut” and “69”, his hiking handle of “Cheddar”, and his history of coming to trails (in particular the Zombie Jesus Trails).  It was perhaps best summarized with “A year is a long time between cumming.”

When asked about himself he replied with “I’m a college student and a funeral director.”  Well then.  “The Creamator” immediately hit the table.  He has not jerked off to a corpse yet, and may have said that there was one corpse that made him think “I can’t believe she’s dead!”  He has gotten in trouble with the law for streaking in North Carolina (and no, they don’t take being a “through hiker” as an acceptable excuse), and once caught behind a McDonald’s drive through in Vermont with possession of shrooms (the copy didn’t care about the weed).  BBAG seemed very excited about the idea of “Fucked in the Mushroom” for a name (REALLY excited).

To move on we asked him for more incriminating stories, and he quickly obliged with a story about a lot of Jaeger and someone convincing him a tree as a prostitute and about attempted sex on a wooden rollercoaster at Riverside.  This led to the ideas of “Sta-tree-ory Rape” (which had “horrible merit”), “Woodfire Creamator”, “7 up the Knot Hole,” “Once and Future Creamator,” and because of his self professed standards, “Nothing Below a 7.”

None of these seemed quite right.  But the roller coaster stuck in our mind.  “Did you get off?” “No!” he scoffed, “It’s like a two minute ride!”  Did we need to go any longer?  No, no we didn’t.  We had found the perfect name, right from his mouth (and probably to his relief, he’d been kneeling on some large stone gravel for ages by now).  We sang our newly christened Two Minute Ride a down-down, and he arose, forever more known as Two Minute Ride (or at least until he does something even more spectacular and gets renamed).

HVH3 #270, May 9th, 6:30PM, Atkins Market.  Warm up for NURD!
Dammit Jimmy trail, May 19th, Putney VT, for Not Enough Finger’s 60th birthday, it will be hula themed.
NURD! May 10-12th.  Somewhere in NY.


cockmonkey’s log, beerdate 5.9.13

Start: Atkins Market, 6:30PM
Hare: cockmonkey
Pack: Suckit Wrench, Two Minute Ride, Just Rich, Bilbo Teabaggins, Anticock with a K, Big Piles

So, some how the weather gods got really confused, and thought that this was a Big Piles trail through Umass, and appropriately rained heavily starting about an hour before trail.  This led to some revisions on the part of the hare.

However by the time for trail the deluge had stopped, leaving us without rain for our trail, but with everything all wet.  The clouds also remained ominously hovering, threatening a possible deluge.  Worried about how long the pack would wait before starting with such a threat in the sky, the hare eventually decided it was long enough past the start point to do chalk talk, and to just hope that the then absent Bilbo would show up before the pack took off.

A relatively simple chalk talk was led, with the normal array of hash marks, checks, whichy-ways and song checks.  There were no back check fives (because the hare is fucking slow), and there were no you’ve-been-fucked (once again, the hare is fucking slow and doing a live trail).  Three marks should be on.  You know, the usual.  Then leaving the pack with beers in hand, the hare took off through the parking lot of Atkins (but sadly not for cider donuts).

Trail shot down through the Atkins parking lot towards the rotary, but soon detoured to a footpath towards Hampshire College that truly marked the start of a ‘shitty trail’ as the end of the path was well fertilized.  Oh well, shit happens.  Fortunately that was the end of the planned shit encounters (shitty zen encounters were entirely out of the hare’s control).  Trail then went towards the center of campus, only to veer away through oddly shaped residences (which really isn’t much of a landmark at Hampshire) and finally to the back of a parking lot where the hare waited with beer.

Two Minute Ride came ahead of the pack, though cockmonkey congratulated him on taking longer than two minutes to reach the beer check.  He happily snagged a Bud Light from the beer check stash and began to enjoy the brew.  The rest of the pack followed close behind with Bilbo now a part of the pack.  At one point once we all were enjoying our beverages, Two Minute Ride noticed that he had the only blue can… in fact he had the only Budweiser at the beer check with the rest of us enjoying such brews as Thundermoo and Pork Slap.  Much amusement was gained from this.

Whilst the pack was finishing their brew, cockmonkey went out for the second part of the trail.  Trail went up towards more odd housing, took a turn towards the high wire trapeeze that was being set up, then wound its way through the center of campus and back out again and straight across the road into the housing complex eventually coming to the next beer check.  This time Two Minute Ride made sure to grab any beer but the single can of Bud.

After some relaxing with beer, the last short bit of trail was laid.  And by short bit, we were just around the corner from Atkins at this point.  Well, the pack decided to lounge quite a bit longer before heading out, but then Just Rich and Bilbo both had their competitive spirit kindled and zenned across a freshly fertilized field aiming to finish trail first.  Which just goes to show that racism is shitty.

The hare was called into circle for down down, then the hare was given FBI (because why not, she was the only female), while FRB went to Just Rich and DFL went to Suckit Wrench.  For this much of the pack was introduced to “Age of the Hairy Ass.”  And then because Big Piles had gotten ahead of himself, the pack gave feedback on the trail, including “shitty trail” and “not enough rain, just what I shook from trees” from Just Rich.

Blood on trail?  Well no hash crashes or other bleeding, so mosquito bites were queried about.  Someone swallowed one, but the mosquito liked it.  I think it was Two Minute Ride or Just Rich, but I didn’t write that down.

Anticock with a K got Backslider, as well as for Dereliction of Duty and Piles promised that if Anticock brings the hash shit it will go to someone else (as it was left home because he had heard he was nominated for “hash shit for life” while he was on hiatus).

Racism went to Anticock with a K, Just Rich, and Bilbo Teabaggins.

We hit Just Rich for his birthday, which was actually the previous month, but within the last two weeks.

Digitizing/”Dirty Fingers” went to Just Rich, Bilbo, and Two Minute Ride.  At which point the RA Lost Control.  After we finished serenading Piles, Just Rich tried to accuse the hare of shitty beer on trail, which rebounded as false accusation/whining.

Finally the hare was given a down down for not actually involving the trapeeze in the trail.

All sorts of trails coming up, including the one in theory this week (Thursday the 2\34th) with AGM after wards.  So Piles, how bout those Detrails?

#271 and the Approximately AGM

cockmonkey’s log, beerdate 5.23.13

Start: 100 University Drive, Amherst

Hare: Big Piles

Pack: Suckit Wrench, cockmonkey, Vomit Sutra, Nutter Butthole, Tasty Topple, Two Minute Ride, UFO, Bilbo Teabaggins, Just Betsy, Anticock

Well, it doesn’t ALWAYS rain on a Big Piles trail, and not all the trails that have rain are Big Piles trails. However, this time it was definitely raining and a Big Piles trail. But that’s OK, I need to wash my kilt anyway and Two Minute Ride said something about needing a shower.

A cluster of cars formed, with hashers filling the spaces in between, as they sheltered under umbrellas (or just didn’t get out of the car). Apprently some hashers don’t like getting wet (or maybe it’s the lowering of body temperature… excuses either way).

As the pack trickled in (no pun intended) the question was voiced, “Do we still run trail, or just go right to the on-after?” Well, we all know there was only one answer for that. Trail of course, we need to build up a mighty thirst for beer after all.

In face of such vibrant enthusiasm from the pack, our intrepid hare emerged from his vehicle. A very detailed and precise chalk talk followed while cockmonkey held a sheltering umbrella aloft for the hare. “Marks look like this!” With that the hare snagged his umbrella and dashed away across the swiftly running river that was the parking lot that we stood in. There was so much water our hare appeared to be running over a lake until the rain (or maybe our own cars) obscured him from sight).

Well, such an abrupt departure by the hare must mean that he has no need for much of a cranium start (and besides, it was fucking pouring), so off the pack went after the hare. Also, we really wanted to follow the trail before the marks completely washed away. In case you were curious, they washed away pretty darn quick.

Somehow the pack managed to follow the entire trail, with no losses to drowning. It was a close thing but we managed to circumnavigate the parking lot. It was serious business, I’m telling you.

Once back at start we all felt that our appetite was at least wetted and we might as well finish everything up at the on-in. So on to the ABC.

So after a few years we really were overdue for our AGM, which is why we announced it would be after this trail ahead of time. We might actually have been inspired by the fact that Anticock felt it was time to pass on the mantle of RA, possibly wandering back into scribe. However it came up that scribe seems to have extended to website maintenance (being the main creator of content) which made him reconsider if he actually wanted to do that. The opinion of the kennel was voiced that they in fact liked cockmonkey’s scribing, and she was pretty happy continuing to do so.

Bilbo Teabaggins volunteered to take the mantle of RA, “I can mismanage as well as the next person!” And Tasty Topple was nominated for Dementrix, “I’m usually a sub, but I think I can do that.”

Treasurer/Haberdasher stays with Piles, because the website is on his credit card and its just easier that way. Also, we don’t have to dig up and transfer all the gear.

A solid interest in sweatshirts was expressed, as well as significant willingness exhibited for preordering to cover the cost of a sweatshirt run. Tasty Topple is getting us in touch with someone she knows who may be able to give us a good price on silk screening. We are all excited at maybe having the 10th anniversary shirts out in time for the 15th anniversary.

Piles gets to stay as GM. We are not sure if this makes him happy or sad.

Cockmonkey stays as scribe and webmatrix

Trail schedule was tweaked, as well as two virgin lays scheduled!

#272, 6/6, cockmonkey & Bilbo Teabaggins, Peter Pan bus station parking lot, Noho
#273, 6/20, cockmonkey & Tasty Topple, VIRGIN LAY – Southampton/Easthampton?
#274, 7/3, Anticock with a K, hot tub?
#275, 6/18, Suckit Wrench, Big Piles Memorial Hash Crash Bash
#276, 8/1, Big Piles & Two Minute Ride, VIRGIN LAY – Chicopee?
#277 8/15 ??

#272 (or 269+3)

cockmonkey’s log, beerdate 6.6.13

Start: Peter Pan bus station, Northampton

Hares: cockmonkey & Bilbo Teabaggins

Pack: Big Piles, Suckit Wrench, Counterfeit Dick, Guns N Blows Jizz, Two Minute Ride, UFO, SHOW ME THE PENIS, Vomit Sutra, and the surprise Virgin Shaun.

This may also be known as the trail of really friendly curious old people. Apprently kilts are attention getting.

So this was to be Bilbo’s first time haring in the Happy Valley, and his second time as a hare ever. It had been ages since cockmonkey co-hared a trail. But that was ok, they had a plan. Ok, they knew where the beer was going, that counts as a plan, right?

Bilbo decided there was no reason to show up early for trail, so he arrived with UFO sometime while cockmonkey was out hiding the beer. Turns out he has some amazing ideas about his stamina because he was planning on laying trail while carrying the beer.

Meanwhile the pack was gathering by ones and twos. Also some curious and possibly confused mundanes wandered by. Turned out that there were TWO graduation ceremonies going on in Northampton that evening, Smith College and PVPA. So traffic sucked, parking sucked, lots of mundanes walking about, but fortunately the restaurants weren’t yet crowded (we’ll get to that part). Cockmonkey knew at least who said they’d be cumming, so was waiting for the last of them, when lo and behold a stranger appeared. Well, lots of strangers were around, and we were pretty strange to most of them, but this one was looking for us!

Yes, we had a surprise virgin! Our new RA not only has been reaching out and sharing the word to others, but managed to convince one to bring. And the virgin was a brewer at ABC. WIN!

So off the hares went, and immediately things got interesting. With two hares they could split up and leap-frog through trail, only when cockmonkey split off to lay true trail through a restaurant patio (hey there weren’t many people in it!) and out through an alley Bilbo went ahead to the parking garage then forgot if he was doing true or false, so ran back to try and catch cockmonkey. Fortunately he figured out which trail was true early on, and made it to the parking garage before cockmonkey started really worrying (and just confused her).

While Bilbo lay trail throughout the parking garage, cockmonkey jumped ahead and took trail from the parking lot into a hallway that came out on Main Street by the Artists Guild, then back around where the hares met up again. Maybe the pack had started by now? We weren’t sure, but we knew it was time to work together and shoot along across back lots, up side paths, across streets, and ultimately get to the beer check.

Waiting comfortably at the beer check the hares waited, and were surprised to see our Virgin in the forefront. Imagine that. He’s a quick learner. Well within a reasonable amount of time the entire pack was present and it was time for the hares to continue. So off we went to take the trail through a church parking lot and winding throughout more of Northampton until we hit Smith College.

Smith had few students but lots of curious friendly old people. In fact some nearly caused the hares to be snared, figuring that one person running by wearing a kilt was a coincidence, but two running by meant something was going on. So as Bilbo ran to catch up from laying a false he was stopped by inquiring minds. Eventually he had to excuse himself since he knew the pack was closing the distance (and because cockmonkey was probably confused as all hell, which she was).

Well, somehow the hares managed to stay a few minutes ahead of the pack, and even managed to not get questioned by campus police while waiting at the beer check. We knew the pack was close when we heard the lovely echoing refrains from the song check right around the corner.

When the pack arrived, where was Counterfeit Dick? Well, no one was really sure, but apprently he also ran into some helpful old people who informed him that he was REALLY far behind everyone else. He was obviously quite grateful for their help (not really), and eventually joined us for some brew.

So some final winding through Noho with only temporarily losing some of the pack right before the end. But finally we were all there and it was time for circle and then the rain started. We didn’t really mind, a light rain when we’re hot in sweaty is nice.

While it was Bilbo’s first time RAing, since he was one of the hares Piles took over for the start of circle. Oh yeah, and he made the Virgin cum, Piles ran the dementing as well. Well, as soon as the Virgin finished his civic (well, Subaru) duty helping some civilians. At the beginning of the demonstration of how to do a down down our Virgin proved his eagerness by trying to drink too soon, and when we told him ‘Not yet!” he froze, uncertain if he should spit or swallow (we told him it was OK to swallow).

So, the dementing! Asked what is the square root of 69 he responded “It takes two to tango?” At least it was creative. When asked about helping his Uncle Jack off, he asked “how big is my ladder?” and then informed us that he has an uncle Jack that he’s not fond of, so he’d let him dangle. Before getting off the bus full of gay’s he’d find out where it was going, in fact he proudly proclaimed that “I’d ride that bus until the end!” He also learned that nodding one’s head with a vessel full of beer firmly held on top could lead to spillage, when informed that he can lift it up by Piles our Virgin replied “Nah, it’s already in my eye.”

Yeah, this dementing went on a little bit, but it was fun. A single held in front of cockmonkey’s kilt was guessed to be “One doll-hair.” And so on went the dementing, with the interjection from our Virgin that “It hurts my knees when I laugh!” But eventually we finished it and pronounced him Just Shaun. His only complaint about the devirginization was there was so little beer in his vessel, which we remedied.

Oh yeah, Bilbo also needs to work on remembering the PourMe virgin song. Just saying. 😀

FRB: Guns & Blows Jizz

Digitizing: Just Shaun, SHOW ME THE PENIS!, and Guns & Blows Jizz

Around this time Nutter Butthole showed up, stopping by on her drive home from the airport in CT, and was hit for failing the sweat test (Vomit was her designated drinker).

Nerd Names: UFO, Just Shaun, Two Minute Ride, SHOW ME THE PENIS

Blood on (and before) Trail: SHOW ME THE PENIS and cockmonkey

Around this time Just Shaun announced that he wanted to go explore nature, we told him just go (though he’d be drinking for it). “Do I take or leave my cup?” Obviously we were amused but didn’t really care, “I’ll just pee and drink at the same time, just like at home!” For some reason while he was urinating I believe someone mentioned a Steve Carrel resemblance, but it might have been a different celebrity.

We acknowledged are hash hound’s 13th birthday, and then Vomit Sutra tried to accuse hashers of zenning… which of course backfired. We also later got Vomit Sutra for peeing in (out of) circle. Other accusations of the night included headgear in circle by UFO… but no one was wearing it while they were in the middle, and then later UFO accused SHOW ME THE PENIS and Just Shaun for racing attire… the problem was SHOW ME THE PENIS’ “Boston Marathon” was the BH3 event and Just Shaun’s was a beer run, at which Bilbo said “I feel like I need to drink for knowing you.”

Just Shaun was pulled in for pissing in circle, “I found one of your cars… it’s faster now!” Then because Vomit Sutra knows an extra verse to “Pissanya” and Two Minute Ride tried to go forward with ending the song, we pulled Two Minute Ride into the circle.

Trail Treasure also abounded. Not for the hash shit, but Two Minute Ride was wearing some speakers like a scarf and UFO wore the antenna in her hair.

UFO was hit for no whistle, Counterfeit Dick for being the only kilted hasher with NO KILT, Visitors did their thing (and sang Yogi Bear) and for the hell of it we honored the RA for his first circle… with Jesus Saves.

Then Guns & Blows Jizz couldn’t contain himself anymore. He wanted to know if he was being renamed. Apparently there was some contention about what in fact was his real name. Was it Guns & Blows Jizz, was it Fire Fairy? Unfortunately he seemed just a little too eager to be renamed, and few of us present witnessed the ‘Fire Fairyness’ so as far as we knew his name was Guns & Blows Jizz, and that we weren’t sure he really earned a new name. On the otherhand, we have faith in his ability to do something ridiculous enough to earn one at some point. Seriously. And that was BEFORE the BMX guy came by, wiped out, and then let Guns try to do the same jump. In case you’re wondering, it was an attempt epic for its lack of sucess.

Various announcements including:
Boston RDR – June 22nd (carpooling anyone?)
GAP – August 16-18 (last GAP ever… this year)
Next HVH3 trail is the 20th, likely in North Amherst, the one after that will be July 3rd and hared by Anticock with a K.
CVNTS have a trail on July 7th.


cockmonkey’s log, beerdate 6.20.13

Hare: cockmonkey

Pack: Suckit Wrench, Big Piles, Two Minute Ride, Gun N Blows Jizz, Bilbo Teabaggins, Just Shaun, Virgin Sarah, Virgin J, Virgin Rob… and UFO at the second beer-check

Start: Mill River Recreation Area

After days and days pouring rain IT WAS ACTUALLY SUNNY. And we had THREE virgins. Two were the results of efforts by Two Minute Ride paired with those of Nutter Butthole, the last was Suckit’s cousin who only knew that he was invited to enjoy some beer.

Start time moved from 6:30 HST to 7 HST. You know, like we do. Largely waiting for Suckit and his cousin. We will wait for virgins. Wouldn’t you?

Well finally the people who said they were coming came, so out was time for chalk talk. Chalk talk was pretty simple, though the pack was earned that trail might list rather than really follow a straight line.

So the hare was off, and really hoping she could stay ahead of the pack. What the hell is up with actual athletes joining the pack? Damn overachievers. Long story short, the hare scampered.

The hare scampered a lot. She kept thinking she heard whistles and pack calls. Who knows if this is true. Don’t care, more scampering.

Fortunately it seems no one got lost on the way to the beer check. Unfortunately the hare sliced her finger open on a bottle cap, but we think ask the blood was kept out of the beer.

Well, flour staunches blood flow, right? So, onwards! Hopefully the scenic beer-check hold the pack long enough for the hare.

Maybe the trail nominally going through The Harp will allow them down?

As the hare hauled the beer out of its hiding place and began lugging it to the check she heard a voice. And lo and behold the hare beheld UFO. Unfortunately for UFO this did not count as snaring the hare because she was not close enough to touch the hare until cockmonkey was sitting at the check opening a beer. Eventually the rest of the pack showed up.

The last bit of trail was short, with only minor trespassing.

Circle began with calling the hare into the circle. Feedback varied from ‘hopefully first of many’ from Virgins Sarah and J to ‘I think there’s a tick on my balls’ from Two Minute Ride.

Then the dementing of the virgins. Our virgins were not good at math, though eventually Virgin J guessed 8.5, which is actually pretty close. A few of the regular hashers actually got the joke completely for the first time. As foot the bus full of gays Virgin Sarah would get off many times, Virgin Rob said that it would be hard to stay on while getting off, and Virgin J would be the first to leave. No one really knew what to make of the dollar bill, with Virgin J guessing ‘George & 2 vag’ due to the number of harriets with dollar bills, and Virgin Rob offered ‘a Springfield whore’ as an answer. They were also less than helpful to their Uncle Jack, with Virgin Rob curious about how hot Jack’s wife was.

The virgins came for different reasons. Virgin Rob heard there was beer and came. Virgins Sarah and J were variously talked into it. Their sponsors helped demonstrate how to do a down down. At ‘what does not go in you, must go on you (etc)’ Just Shaun added in ‘true story.’ And Bilbo remembered his virgin song!

FRB was Suckit (how did that happen?)
FBI was UFO/Virgin Sarah (and when one virgin drinks…)
DFL was Virgin J

As circle progressed Just Shaun repeatedly spilled his beer, ‘like a retarded puppy humping every piece of furniture it gets attention.’

I can’t read all my notes. But lots of people drank for pissing/leaving circle, some blood on trail, nerd names, tech on trail, and a few others. Cockmonkey had to drink for taking the pack through a bar with no stop. Especially as they ran by the owner who wanted to know what they were doing, and Piles had to answer ‘looking for beer.’

Future trails were announced, on-after decided, and we disbanded to go our different ways


cockmonkey’s log, beerdate 7.3.13

Start: The Harp

Hare: Anticock with a K

Pack: Suckit Wrench, cockmonkey, Just Rob, Pornstarboard, Just Mike, Big Piles, Not Enough Fingers, Vomit Sutra, Metro Testicles, Nutter Butthole, Counterfeit Dick, SHOW ME THE PENIS!, Just Karen, UFO, Bilbo Teabaggins.

The original plan for this trail was going to involve tubing, but due to excessive rain the planned for stream had developed some rapids and the plans were changed.

For a change from the past weeks of rain, it was a bright (hot), sunny day. Hashers from all over the area were present. We didn’t know what to expect, except that at some point we were likely to get wet. Trail was to be cajun. This was also apparently a somewhat punctual trail, so with the trail prelaid the pack was sent on their way before the arrival of UFO and Bilbo.

So off we went down the road. And kept going past the turn to take us to Puffer’s, and then on even further. Finally we turned into UMass by the new dorms and made the final stretch to the beer check. We were all horribly thirsty, but cheap beer is like water, right? Actually, there was water as well, but there wasn’t any Just Rob. Hopefully the heat combined with his gaping head wound didn’t do him in, so we had the hare in his truck go back along the trail to see if he was still alive.

Before we started off on the next leg of the trail the hare came back, without Just Rob but with Bilbo and UFO. One hasher for two? I guess that’s a fair trade.

So uphill the pack went along trail out of UMass. And then away from Amherst towards Puffers. The pack may have gotten a bit spread out, with our intrepid scribe falling quite a bit behind. In fact, by the time our scribe reached the shores of Puffer’s Pond, the pack was gathered on the far side and the beer was being brought in from the water by Counterfeit Dick. Rather than walking around the pond, cockmonkey swam across Puffer’s Pond to the beer.

Well, fortunately, Just Rob was not dead in a ditch. He autohashed with the hare, but we got to make him drink for it later.

Techincally there was trail from the pond back to the Harp, but the pack voted to zen their way back. Cockmonkey hopped in the back of Anticock’s truck.

Circle was buggy. We could have done it on the deck at the Harp, but there were all sorts of people eating/watching TV on the deck and their kitchen was completely closed that evening. Counterfeit Dick avoided this completely by heading home early. Due to the various ways that we all ignored trail, FBI (SHOW ME THE PENIS), FRB (Vomit, with Heather as designated drinker), and DFL (cockmonkey) were based on the beer check not arrival at the Harp.

The hare was accused of being too punctual. We also had Bilbo, UFO, cockmonkey, and Just Rob for autohashing, and Just Rob, Nutter Butthole, Porn Starboard, UFO and Bilbo were hit for missing a beercheck.

Around this time Metro wanted to premier a new song, “Fuck me up before you go, go,” and promptly fucked the song up. At least I think he did. I might have been too busy slapping mosquitoes. The fuckers.

Cockmonkey happily called herself in for birthdays, which also hit Just Mike and Anticock. Then Just Mike had to stay in for cranium gear. And then later he was back in for being the only blood on trail.

Big Piles, Porn Starboard, UFO, and SHOW ME THE PENIS! were all hit with digitizing.

Someone threw out “checking out Porn Starboard’s ‘chesticles’, at which most of the circle went in, but oddly enough, not Just Mike, her legally bound other half. We dragged him in on principle.

About half of us drank for changing before circle. In particular cockmonkey who swam across a pond fully dressed with her shoes on.

We called in the visitors, but the only song Nutter knows is Yogi Bear, so off that song started. It was rolling along nicely until Bilbo killed it by singing that Cindy likes girlbears… and calling her bi-polar… That’s our RA, keeping it classy.

Backsliders included Metro Testicle, Anticock, Porn Starboard, and Just Mike.

Vomit proposed a down-down for being Metro Testicle, but we decided it was weak and made him (and by him we mean his proxy, Nutter) drink.

At this point we were being eaten alive by insects regardless of bug spray and ran out of beer. So what was the point of more accusations. Announcements were thrown out quickly, and then religion.

#275 | BASH #4
Third Annual Big Piles Hash Crash Bash

cockmonkey’s log, beerdate 7.18.13

Start: 100 University Drive, Amherst

God, it was hot and sticky, and that’s just Vomit’s shorts, we were all pretty sweaty before trail started.

The Hare: Suckit Wrench
Pack: cockmonkey, Metro Testicle, Big Piles, Just Rob, Vomit Sutra, and a special appearance by Tasty Topple!

That’s right, the hasher in a brace, recovering from a serious injury, made it to trail.  What’s your excuse?

Well, we finally decided that no one else was showing up, at least not until the end when we expected Tasty Topple.  So chalk talk was brief.  Basically we were looking at a Cajun trail, with true trail arrows standing in for ‘beer near’.  We are not sure why, but it made sense to the hare.

So of went the hare on his one speed BMX.  We meanwhile enjoyed hydration while allowing the hare to actually get far enough ahead of our larger multi speed bicycles.

Eventually we stopped jerking off, locked up our cars, and rode off into the sunset after beer.  This year we actually managed to have several people wearing helmets, instead of just Piles.

Fortunately for all of us, Suckit had decided to shorten the trail in respect for the god-awful heat.  We still managed to get lost briefly, helped by the leavings of a flour fairy on the bike path bridge.  Supposedly Suckit never even went on the bridge…  Anyway, eventually we found the trail and shortly after the beer (yay).

Well, then it was off to the next beverage check, which was not quite so close as the first.  Cockmonkey, being both the slowest and a secret co-hare, decided the marks were merely a suggestion, and spent about half of this leg of the trail zenning.  After all, she did set out the check.  This meant that she showed up way before everyone else (what a jerk) at the beverage check.  Fortunately Suckit found where she hid the beverage, and they dug in to the tasty drink.

So, it turns out that mixed drinks when you’re sweating balls can be risky business.  But you know what?  Dr. McGillicuddy’s Vanilla in Coke is pretty damn tasty, especially with 3 or 4 shots in it.  I think the rum and coke was good too, but I didn’t have that.  Either way, after this check getting back on the bikes was questionable, but Suckit mounted up and rode off into the sunset (or maybe not, I have no clue what direction the sunset was relative to the direction he went, but I’m sure he was facing it at SOME point).  As the pack started off, cockmonkey had some trouble getting back on her bike, so she started to zen for saftey, walking her bike as she recollected her balance.

Eventually everyone was on their bikes, even if one was blatantly ignoring marks and making her unsteady way back to start.  That being said, it was pretty hard to actually ignore the 20+ ft long squiggly marks left by the hare (which is pretty impressive considering he was drawing them with sidewalk chalk while riding a bike).

But when we got back to start guess who was there!  TASTY TOPPLE.  That’s right, crutches were no hindrance for her (or at least only a minor one).  What’s your excuse for not cuming?

So circle, with the hare, pack, and Tasty Topple.  It got started in an understandably drunken disorderly way.  Suckit drank for attempting to set the record for longest hash marks EVER.

As FRB we had Vomit Sutra, FBI we had cockmonkey (because even if you discounted the zenning, she would have been the first bitch in), and DFL was Just Rob.  Tasty Topple was honored for failing the sweat test and backsliding.

Somehow things got to Piles reminiscing about having a foreskin at some point, but has no clue when it was snipped or even any related painful memories.  Maybe he just wanted to tell us about being naked in the bathtub as a child.

Our visitors were Metro Testicle and Vomit Sutra.  I have some note about Metro getting to “I have to pee!” while making a really funny face and then losing it, but I think it had something to do with their song and laughing rather than him pissing himself.

Oh yeah, aren’t we supposed to make the hare drink for laying trail?  About that… and let’s pull in cockmonkey since she helped.  Cockmonkey also drank for “zenning for saftey” or perhaps for hitting the drunk wall before finishing the second drink check as well, and Suckit for tech on trail (some sort of distance gadget).  Then they both drank again, but this time for blood on trail.

Just Rob had to drink for polluting the air during circle… this could have been for farting or for cigarettes, I don’t remember.

Then Vomit called in anyone who lacked a bike, or needed theirs worked on before trail pulled in circle… Just Rob, cockmonkey, and Tasty Topple (so what if she can’t ride a bike at all right now?).  The circle then called in Vomit (as well Just Rob for his Sweat Cape) for changing before circle.

Nerd Names got almost everyone in. Vomit Sutra, Suckit Wrench, cockmonkey, and Just Rob.

Then someone pulled out “Nipples on Display” and called Just Rob into the circle,  who’s chest hair was described as “like a bonsai gone wrong.”  Then that was turned into not showing nipples, and it was decided that “Girls Gone Hashing” should be a movie.

Vomit brought up his favorite accusation, “If your name is Metro Testicle” – of course he was drinking for Metro.

Just Rob and Tasty Topple were brought in for recently having staples removed, which was followed by named hashers without a name necklace on (Tasty Topple, Big Piles, Vomit Sutra, Metro Testicle, and Suckit Wrench), and a whistle check (cockmonkey, Just Rob, Tasty Topple, and Metro Testicle for Vomit Sutra).

#276 | Two Minute Ride’s Virgin Lay

cockmonkey’s log, beerdate 8.1.13

Hares: Two Minute Ride and Big Piles

Start: Somewhere in Hatfield behind a waste water treatment plant.  Shitty spot, no?

Pack (I give no promises that anyone’s name is spelled correctly, particularly the NFN wankers, but then they haven’t been named yet so it doesn’t really matter):
From the Happy Valley (or possibly not, a few of the virgins I have no clue about): Suckit Wrench, cockmonkey, Bilbo Teabaggins, UFO, Just Sarah, Just Shaun, Just J, Virgin Betty, Virgin Ryan, Just Rob, Just Karen, Gunz and Blows Jizz, Just Jim

From our friends up north, the CVNTs: Vomit Sutra, Nutter Butthole, Not Enough Fingers, Metro Testicle, Stage Fright, Just Trevor, Just Vic (aka Sparkles), Just Sarah, Just Jesse, Virgin Megan, Just Amanda, Virgin Teryn, Virgin Rob

That lone wanker from Da Pitts (and at the only official PooFlinger): Counterfeit Dick

That’s a big pack (and a lot of not named hashers)!

In addition to this being a virgin lay, it was also Vomit Sutra’s birthday.  And possibly national clown day.  And someone told us that Vomit Sutra hated clowns.  So was there really any other option than to do a secret clown theme for this trail?  I think not!  Also, we were given promises of happy fun wet times, and were all advised to bring something that we could float on (pool noodle, life jacket, blow up doll, etc).

As you can imagine, we made for a rather… distinctive looking group.  Particularly since we were so colorfully arrayed in the middle of fucking nowhere (wait, I’m sorry, arrayed by a river behind a poop filtering plant, and possibly a regular boating launch point).

Sadly, it turns out that Vomit Sutra doesn’t actually really care about clowns either way, but we still had fun with the theme.

So we circled up go chalk talk which the hares had drawn out.  There were a lot of checks.  Joke, song, group hug, tit, dick.  Even YBF, which Vomit requested that it be changed to ‘you’re being fucked.’

Meanwhile Vomit’s family gathered with intent of shenanigans.  Sneaky, like moose, they gave him cream pies right to the face.  Of course we weren’t sure what exactly was in the pie tins, so Gunz rose to the challenge and tasted Vomit Sutra.  I’m sure we could have asked Nutter Butthole or Not Enough Fingers, but tasting also works.

Well, this was a virgin lay, so we had a virgin explaining the trail marks.  He did a fine job of explaining what each check meant, but forgot to actually explain how one followed trail to find checks and to find trail again.  So cockmonkey stepped in to give a primer explanation on how to run trail for all of the virgins, and then Piles finished the chalk talk tag team.

Vomit blessed the hares liberally with flour (and carpenter’s chalk), and then the hares were off.  Meanwhile the pack wasted time with ‘My name is Joe’ and various dicking around.

So out we went to explore a small part of Hatfield.  At least some of the many corn fields in Hatfield, and exposing private parts in said corn fields.  But eventually trail leads to even better things than awkwardly exposed sweaty penis.  Like beer (after a quick dip in water).

While at the check on the shore of the Connecticut River, Two Minute Ride pulled out his own birthday surprise for Vomit Sutra.  See, what Vomit Sutra really wanted for his birthday was a speedo.  Well, it wasn’t a speedo, but it was a quite dandy man-thong, which Two Minute Ride had attempted to decorate with “hashy birthday”.  To be honest, as Vomit quickly stripped naked in front of all of us and donned said thong, I didn’t look too close.  There was also a high quality pink & white cow spot print holster and gun set for him.  Ya, just picture that.

Well, the pack was told we had to wait until the hares got to the opposite bank of the river to start, and there was a group up check (to make sure we all got across safely) on the other side.  Well, that makes it hard to snare the hare.  Well played.

Getting us all across took a long time.  But we all made it safely and ran along trail, promptly got lost, then found trail again.  By now it was starting to get darkish, particularly when under tree cover.  We also caught the notice of some mundanes who were entertained by our cavorting.  Eventually, after discovering some deep mud, we found the beer check.  The hares seemed to have scattered early on, so some of the pack started to make their way earlyish as well since there was still some daylight if little.

Well, Gunz may have been fast enough to catch up to the hare, but the slow wankers who left early weren’t, and in fact were still wandering around further along the river when the pack who stayed for extra beer enjoyment started to catch up.  Around this time we realized we had to cross the river again, so we started to dive in and make our way across.  In case you’re wondering, it’s rather difficult to swim across the Connecticut River with a full beer in hand floating on a pool noodle.

So it was time for circle, and if we weren’t wet enough already, it started to rain.  Also, we had a huge ass pack with a lot of virgins.  Circle may have gone on a bit, to the point where we decided to delay naming Just Rob (even though it meant not getting to embarrass him in front of his virgin).  The best accusation possibly of all time came from Just Trevor and was something like “If you smell like Paula Deen (or was it Betty Crocker) fucked the Stay-Puffed Marshmallow Man inside a creampuff.”  I was laughing pretty hard, and a bit drunk, but it was awesome.

There were various things announced, next PooFlinger trail, next CVNTs trail, next HVH3 trail (also a virgin lay), GAP.  Then we closed out with hash religion and those of us not stumbling home to pass out went to the on after.

#277 | UFO’s Virgin Lay

cockmonkey’s log, beerdate 8.15.13

Start: Behind Silk City Tavern (now J.J.’s Tavern), Florence

Hares: UFO & Bilbo Teabaggins

Happy Valley: Suckit Wrench, cockmonkey, Just Rob, Big Piles, Just Shaun, Virgin Emily, Guns & Blows Jizz, Just Caleb (NEW TRANSPLANT YAY!), Two Minute Ride, Virgin Tim, Pornstarboard, Just Mike, Anticock with a K, Virgin Erou, Just Ryan, Virgin Hannah, Virgin Hannah^2 (SURPRISE VIRGIN!)

CVNTs: Vomit Sutra, SHOW ME THE PENIS!, Nutter Butthole, Just Mike

Da Pitts/PooFlinger (ok, so there are other PooFs, but TFB): Counterfeit Dick

So I’m not sure if we’re getting bigger or if wankers come out of the woodwork for virgin lays. I think I’m just going to have to announce all my trails from now on as “virgin” lays and see if anyone notices…

So this was exciting. New location, new hares, new hashers (including both transplants to the area and virgins), new tattoos (and the resulting peeling skin covering Two Minute Ride’s back).

Chalk talk was a bit complex, lots of different checks, some “social” checks that require the entire pack (like a Jesus Saves Check or a Group Hug Check), others only requiring a handful. We had the normal checks, tit checks, dick checks (though the artistry inspired Piles to ask if it was in fact a Lance Armstrong check). Then once chalk talk was completed Piles led the blessing and we shooed the hares off.

Turns out it is pretty easy to waste time when you’ve got a pack size of roughly 20. Also it is very easy to attract attention, especially when the bike path runs right alongside where we gathered. And for once, this was a good thing. A young lady succumbed to our beckoning (or at least her curiosity) and came to see over who the hell the large group of wankers in kilts were. Once she found out we were running for beer she was signed up, and Virgin Hannah^2 joined the pack.

So that Virgin Hannah^2 wasn’t completely lost, we handed her a beer and cockmonkey reviewed the chalk talk. At this point we decided that Guns & Blows Jizz was just flat out missing, so it was time to get going. Pockets were emptied, cars locked, and the pack was off… and then Gunz showed up. Better late than never, eh?

It didn’t really hold us up much, mostly because the pack got a bit lost almost immediately, and then divided and further confused along with general inability to find marks. Thanks to some uncertain checks and a back check we also definitely confused the locals.

Through a number of group hug checks and through an apartment complex with a police officer talking with some residents. Finally we found beer in the shiggy, and there was much rejoicing. This was also a great time to silly big spray as the blood suckers were emerging. To give the hares a cranium start and the pack time to finish their beer a round of ‘I used to work in Chicago.’  Two Minute Ride really likes the verses with HIV or AIDS in them, I wonder what that says about him.

Eventually we actual got back to trail (and about a dozen group hug checks), and into a cemetery. And what better to do in a graveyard on a public road than to have a Jesus Saves check in front of a oddly suggestive grave marker.

One thinks that the hares forgot quite how long Jesus Saves go on for. Really, we tried to keep it short. About that… We eventually finished the song. Eventually. God damn it is a long song. We did finish before full dark.

The next beer check wasn’t. In fact it was a Holy Spirits Check. Mmmmm Jaeger (or at least mmmmm if you like liquorish).

So here comes the part where we were (mostly) as bit of a dick. See, the check was on the bike path. And we started right of the bike path. Of course we were maybe two to three blocks down the street from the start had we even bothered to go up that way (well, some of us bothered to go to the street before zenning). End result was 90% of the pack made it to start before the hares. Gunz was not one of those to make it back early. Maybe he showed up when the pack should have, or maybe he got a little lost.

So one cool thing about our where the trail started is that we were right behind J.J.’s Tavern (does that make anyone else think of J.J. the Jet Plane?), and our hares had talked with the proprietor beforehand and secured permission to be loud and raucous on the lovely outdoor second floor patio. This meant we got to order food BEFORE circle. Awesome.

If you’ve never been there, the second floor patio is pretty boss, however it was also a bit awkward to do circle on because it was kind of distractingly neat. That and the horseshoe shaped bar only had one entrance, so we had a built in circle but lots of shuffling around to get in and out of it.

Our FRB was Two Minute Ride, with Nutter Butthole as FBI. DFL was Gunz (that’s what getting lost will get you),

But this WAS a virgin lay, so we the hares needed to get in circle even more than normal. Feedback included: too many water crossings, too much hash (marks) on trail, not enough headstones, more religious based fellatio, something about holes in shoes by one of the virgins, expressions of feelings towards the wasps on trail, and that group hugs are kind of weird with just two people.

And then it was time for the virgins. We had a lot of them. Most of them came to drink, Virgin Erou came to enjoy life. Virgin Hannah^2 was made to come by the hashers, and her goal was to find the hidden treasure (at which points kilts were raised… though it may be worth pointing out that at that point whatever was under the kilts no longer counted as “hidden” treasure).

Well, then something different happened. We had caught the eye of some dudebros at the bar who were there to celebrate their (soon to be arriving) friend’s 21st birthday. They came by and asked if we could perhaps sing for their friend. Sure, why not?

Then came the questions. We’re pretty sure Virgin Hannah^2 was a hasher in a previous life because she knew how to answer ALL THE QUESTIONS. Even the square root of 69. Well, perhaps she didn’t answer “all you can eat under a buck” but I would argue that “my next drink” works just as well. Either way, we had our way with the virgins, all of them, at once, right out on the patio. Oh baby oh baby. Then we tossed them out of the circle because they were no longer virgins and we had other shit to do.

Like harass dudebros watching our shennanigans. How, do you ask? Well, they were on the edges of circle and they CLEARLY failed the sweat test. So Jessie & Alex were pulled into the circle for a down-down, since they had just witnessed virgin instruction. Should they ever make it to a hash they are still virgins because they’ve never been on a damn hashing trail. Oh yeah, we sung them Yogi Bear. I’m not sure if they’ll be hunting us down after that.

Birthdays would have been short and sweet, but one of the virgins had an August birthday, and when one virgin drinks, all virgins drink. I’m just going to say now, there was a LOT of that the whole evening.

We not only then brought in the backsliders, but for the hell of it brought in people who had no clue what was going on. Because we can. After all, if you weren’t paying attention how do you know the accusation doesn’t apply to you?

And did we say birthdays? Brodude birthday boy showed up! Ok, I’m actually being mean, they might not actually be brodudes, but too fucking bad, are you writing the hash trash? That’s what I thought. So we brought him into circle and sang to him along with giving him a 21 bun salute. Or at least he saw lots of man ass, math is hard. I’m sure it was more than enough. Then we gave his friends more shit, because why not (possibly had something to do with them playing with their phones while standing in circle as we serenaded the birthday boy). Earlier we had sung Yogi Bear, so you’d think we might be nice and do a short song. Heh. About that. How about Frigging in the Rigging?

Then because it was getting late and we had things to do, we did a big catchall down-down for a laundry list of accusations. We had some humiliation to dish out.

That’s right. We had some naming to do.

First off we brought in Just Rob. I told stories, I am not going to write them out in full here, catch me in person because they’re way better that way (especially if I’m drunk). First story involved his work history, as a stripper, which surprised most of the circle (and possibly intrigued a number of the ladies). I may have gotten some details wrong, but any story involving pizza delivery and a job offer to be a stripper works well, and apparently he is making this the new official version. Then there was the story about how he fell asleep going down on his girlfriend not once, not twice, but THREE times in a go. So then came the questions. He considers his biggest tip ever was $500 when he was auctioned off, he likes squirters, and he was once known as Cowboy LeRoy. Of course he wouldn’t dance for us, so Bilbo danced for Just Rob. I’m not sure Just Rob appreciated it. We had some fantastic (and horrible) names thrown out, Cooter Snoozer, Femcakke, Kimchee Cum Dumpster, Cunlingzzz, but the winner was suggested by Counterfeit Dick: *zzznrk* Twat?

So, one more naming before we’re done. After all, even if his attendance has been sporadic, Just Mike has been hashing for a year or two and has even laid trail. What did we have on him? Well, he wasn’t ever a stripper, but he is now legally bound to Pornstarboard and is a huge fan of boobs (yay boobies). Other things that were unearthed include that he has a PhD, that he doesn’t like butts/anal, doesn’t like cats (or maybe its just cats walking in while he’s having sex), has lots of antique weapons, and that perhaps his most awkward sexual encounter was when he fell asleep mid coitus… while on top. Name suggestions included Fuck-a-by-Baby, Irish Contraception, Oh You Said Axe, Pussy Equations, Wiggle My Anus, and the list went on until Rear Admiral was suggested. At that point we voted between Rear Admiral and everything else and Rear Admiral won by a landslide.

Then one last thing before religion. THE HASH SHIT RETURNED TO THE HASH. We had a whole new crop of hashers who had never seen our hash shit, nor even any true hash shit. Actually, our RA didn’t know what to do with it, so cockmonkey was called in to run this part of circle. So first, the accusations. Big Piles was nominated by cockmonkey for promising Anticock that he wouldn’t get it again if he brought it back, Anticock suggested that someone from the CVNTs get it because of the “Happy CVNTs” thing, but that was shot down, Just Hannah^2 was suggested because she was trail treasure, and Two Minute Ride nominated Gunz and Blows Jizz because of lots of lost.

Well, as it turns out Gunz was REALLY excited about the hash shit. It totally rocked his world. So much that he campaigned for the hash shit. So yes, he won, though I’m not sure if this is good or bad considering it now seems to be his precious. So we started singing for the cleansing of the hash shit when the bartender came up to talk to us. Seems we were a bit loud and the neighbors were complaining… so we got KICKED INTO THE BAR. Um, OK. Well, anything from there is just anticlimatic especially as we only had 3 more songs to finish circle completely.


Hare: Big Piles

Start: Amherst Creamery Building (100 Fearing St)

Pack: Suckit Wrench, cockmonkey, *zzznrk* Twat?, Gunz & Blows Jizz, Just Rob, Anticock, Bilbo Teabaggins, Just Jim, Just Ryanne, Pornstarboard, Rear Admiral

Newly Relocated: Stunt Cock

Visitors: Vomit Sutra, SHOW ME THE PENIS, Nutter Butthole, Just Sarah, Super Chicken, Just Shanti

It doesn’t always rain on a Big Piles trail, but if you think it’s going to rain hard it’s likely a Big Piles trail.  Fortunately the worst of the rain clouds wandered off by the start of trail so this was only a lightly rained on trail.

By the time your faithful scribe had shown up to the start we had a good collection of motley wankers gathered, with the hare out placing the beer.  It seems I wasn’t the only one running late.  Then because I was trying to make note of who the hell was actually hear and it seems collect hash cash my bra step up to plate and gathered everyone’s money.  I will say, that was one of the easiest times I’ve had collecting everyone’s hash cash (note to self – use tits to collect money).

We had an awesome pack gathered, including some hashers we hadn’t seen in ages like Super Chicken, and others who were newly settled like Stunt Cock.  However since the hare was off hiding the beer (he said something about working late, as if), we had to amuse ourselves.  Let’s just leave it as kilts + hackey sack.  I know you’re all jealous that you weren’t there.

So eventually the hare showed up to lead chalk talk.  Pretty standard shtuff.  There was some debate about what a whichy-way looked like, but regardless of if it looked like an IUD or not, it was to be treated as a check for dumb people (trail goes one of two ways).  We also were warned of a Super Song check, which was a social check that we had to wait for the entire pack (spoiler alert: it was in walking tunnel under the road that has amazing acoustics, you know, the one the pack has drawn their own song checks at when cockmonkey took trail through there and failed to).

So we were promised “virgin territory” with this trail.  I mean, yes, we were dubious since it was UMass, but who knows?  But let me tell ya, the ground the trail covered looked awfully familiar.  Perhaps the hare thinks ‘virgin territory’ includes new assfault.  Maybe we should tell him that even with cosmetic surgery, you’re only a virgin once, or maybe we can let him keep his delusions.

Definitions of virginity aside, the trail did have its definite upsides.  For one thing, with the students just beginning to move back in there were all these campus tour groups of parents being led around as we ran amok.  In a more interesting hazard trail went around drum corp practice, which lead likely to confused percussionists due to our whistles, and improvised communication between hashers who were drowned out over the drums.

Well, once we figured out our way around the YBF and all the construction we were soon back on familiar ground.  How familiar, do you ask?  Well, it involved the parking garage, so pretty darn familiar.  Around here the hare ALMOST was snared, after all we have some actual fast fucks in the pack now, but he some how managed to avoid capture and make it to the beer check.

Actually, for a well used location, it was a rather scenic beer check.  For once we were on top of the garage which was quite lovely (and abandoned) as the sun sank in the sky.  Quite pretty and refreshing.  But all good things must come to an end, and more importantly, there was more trail to run.

Actually, the end of this trail got a bit delayed.  The pack sort of lost the trail.  There was a lot of wandering around.  Most of us knew where we were… but we weren’t sure if there was another beer check or not, so we didn’t want to zen on back to start.  After much milling, back tracking, retracking, and all that, we eventually found trail and followed it back to start.

So then circle shit happened.  The hare was harassed for a lack of tit checks, for lots of trees but no bush, not enough stairs, etc.

FBI and FRB were Nutter Butthole (with Vomit Sutra as designated drinker) and Stunt Cock.  DFL was *zzznrk* Twat?, plus everyone else who had no clue what was going on.  Unsurprisingly that was most of the circle.

It was also SHOW ME THE PENIS!’s birthday.  Some of the menfolk wanted to give her a salute by lifting their kilts.  cockmonkey mentioned that if it’s down it’s not a salute, to which Vomit Sutra yelled “I NEED A FLUFFER!”

Accusations included Rear Admiral’s whining about marks on trail (“it’s hard!!”), PENIS was nomina3ted for not wanting to wear the birthday hat, lots of damn wankers for Nerd Names.  Vomit called in all men not wearing their kilts regimental, which mostly seemed to be to make Just Sparkles drink.  He defended himself saying his wife told him he had to wear something under it (she clarified “at work”), and then he proclaimed that “Victor’s secret is pay per view only.”

Different accusations brought in named hashers without hash ID (necklace, tags, etc), and then hashers without whistles.  Backsliders and visitors were also appropriately honored (Just Jim seems to consider himself a visitor at both CVNT and HVH3 trails so that he can drink extra).  There were even some false accusations but guess who didn’t write them down clearly enough?

And then we came to the part that some of us had been waiting for.  See, Gunz and Blows Jizz was named in a very confusing circumstance at NURD, and wasn’t even sure if that was his name for a time due to two different names being used for him at the event.  Well, he had been too eager for a renaming to “Fire Fairy” before, but we told him that we had faith in his ability to do something to earn himself a new name.  Well, we had time to gather some dirt and hashers from other kennels were coming up to us and asking if we’d renamed him yet.  So it seemed about time.

Gunz probably wishes he hadn’t asked to be renamed back in June now.

Well, before this trail a secret tribunal of his peers met (hahaha), and exchanged stories and ideas.  So we came into this with a few suggestions to get the ball rolling.  Stories about shitting on trail, getting lost, not liking condoms, paranoia, metrosexual leanings, and the like came out during this tribunal (aren’t friends great?).  Our top contenders were Shit Where’s My Dick?, Toilet Trees, Manscapades, Shitting Pretty, Blow Dry Me, and Free Range Dick.  God damn the pack.  Seriously.  We rounded up suggestions, and stared voting so many times to narrow down the list, then some wanker couldn’t keep his fucking mouth shut.  Additional fodder for names included his pride in the hash shit and working at Curves.  Some of the last minute suggestions sucked, some were pretty damn good.  Additional suggestions included Plunge Me Softly, Dude Looks Like a Drunk Lady, Dickglowmancer, and many others.  Well, after a painfully long and drawn out series of narrowing down votes (seriously, do you guys not get the whole concept of ‘final selection’?), we got to the final vote… and from now on Gunz and Blows Jizz will be known as Granny Groper.

#279 | Granny Groper’s Virgin Lay

cockmonkey’s Log, Beerdate  9.14.2013

Hare: Granny Groper & Bilbo Teabaggins

Start: 50 Payson Ave

Pack: Suckit Wrench, cockmonkey, Rear Admiral, Pornstarboard, Just Jim, Virgin Justin, U.F.O., Just Caleb, Virgin Alden.  Our visitors Vomit Sutra, Butter Butthole, Not Enough Fingers, Just Sparkles, Just Sarah, Stage Fright.  Two Minute Ride could also be considered a visitor of sorts note as well.

Pretty darn nice day.  Too bad about the big road construction detour mixed things up.

Turns out that start point was actually just a “near by”  parking spot.  And by near by I mean what the fuck where is the stay point?  Surprise trail before starting circle.  Fortunately everyone seemed to be able to find start.  Good thing there was plenty of beer at start.

In leiu of Big Piles absence the deputy hash cash (cockmonkey’s bra) had to step up.

It took a few false starts to get chalk talk laid out and started.  Maybe it was the hares’ first time with another man?  A few special things, in particular we were to expect glittery stars near every check.  Some… unique new checks were introduced, including a DD, or ‘double dick’ check, and a KN, or ‘knight check’ that involved the FRB finding a beer, everyone taking a knee while he chugs the beer, and something fancy about how we were to get up that no one remembered.

We let the hares go, drank more beer, warmed up, then went off.

We so learned that this was a bit of a taste-the-rainbow trail when it came to marks.  All sorts of colors, often right next to each other. Pink, blue, this green the exact color of tree moss.  Occasionally flour.

Well, eventually we found a BH.  We knew the hares said they’d be waiting, maybe hiding, at the beer.  Only, the BH seemed to be written from the wrong direction.  But we very clearly followed trail to the BH.  And we couldn’t find the beer or the hares.  We looked for so long.  All over the fucking place.  Eventual a backpack was found abs we dug in.  Still no hares.  Well, might as well drink all the beer.  While lounging with our beer we found out that the Putney hash that Two Minute Ride joined did not recognize his True Trail tattoo (which he tells non hashers is a tribal symbol meaning something or another), nor were they familiar with much hash history or traditions.  Plans have been hatched for a road trip to a Putney trail.

With the beer almost gone the pack realized probably going to have to either find the hares who laid trail to the check but not away, or just go back to start and hope they show up before that beer ran out.

Then, when we were facing the dangerous possibility of having to make a decision, what did we see in the distance?  Nothing but two cautiously approaching hares.  They continued making their way as some of the pack walked towards them… at least until the pack let loose a cry and charged. Then the hares bolted (dare I say like rabbits?).  The pursued, with the closer faster pack tearing through the shiggy after the panicked hares.  The rest of us pursuing at a bit slow pace, following the trail of wreckage.

Eventually we found some trail markings, and then the FRBs, the hares, and the beer.  Turns out the hares had mislaid part of the trail and let a false trail from a check lead right to the second beer check.  So Granny Groper was divested of his pants (he was the one actually snared after all, and by his good friend Two Minute Ride), and the hares were off to improv the rest of the trail.

On trail we learned stories about Virgin Justin – scoring with a catholic girl named Virginia after singing “only the good die young”, his enthusiastic tenure as an alter boy, and serving as ‘youth minister of the unit’ while in the Marines.

Then we found the knight check.  Or at least Virgin Alden did, and he gamely stood up to the challenge.  He even managed not to live up to his shirt’s statement of ‘awkward.’

However, this all was not enough for the hares.  Or maybe it was the swamp they decided to go through, or maybe it was that we barely could tell where the trail went.  Either way, Bilbo and Granny unexpectedly became one with the mud, and then found part of the pack waiting for them up ahead.  Whoops.

Well, not all of us run that quickly, so this capture was unnoticed by many.  In fact, Not Enough Fingers and cockmonkey decided to take advantage of such modern marvels as public park bathrooms and their toilet paper.  I mean, they were far enough behind it wasn’t going to make a huge difference.  Well, turns out trail back to start ended up going awfully close to the original trail out, and Fingers and cockmonkey caught up with the pack trying to find the new trail laid back to start.  Maybe there was a different trail leading from where we were to start, but we were pretty close so some of us decided “screw that” and retraced the old trail, with the rest of the pack following shortly after.

Finally we all made it to start and were greeted by a pantsless (but boxer brief wearing) Granny Groper and a kiltless and shirtcocking Bilbo Teabaggins, and fortunately, lots of beer.  Circle took a little while to form because of some offroaders driving up and asking questions, but it eventually formed.

When called into circle, Bilbo shared that he was “bruised all over, including my pride, which I left somewhere in a swamp.”

We then brought in the Virgins.  We had to, one of them was a FRB.  Just Caleb made Virgin Alden cum, and due to her role in maintaining the website and fielding queries of interested wankers, cockmonkey made Virgin Justin cum.  We started with the normal dementing, but someone (Just Jim) decided to answer questions for the virgins.  So he was pulled into the circle and made to kneel with the virgins for fucking things up.  We found out that Virgin Justin has helped his Uncle Jack off before and that Virgin Alden’s favorite animal is a cock.  Sounds shockingly hashmanlike.

FRB was the newly Just Justin, FBI was Nutter Butthole, and DFL was Pornstarboard.

The next bit largely is us making the hares drink a lot.  First we called in the hares for being snared (there was flour involved).  Then Rear Admiral self-accused stinky hashers, which pulled in the hares who smelled like swamp.  Then any hares who were snared twice (and when one hare drinks…) were called in by Two Minute Ride (who then forgot his song and had to join them).  Blood on Trail/Hash Crash.  1st time commando (Just Sparkles & the hares, just because).

Then almost the entire circle was called in for a combo of dirty fingers/digitizing and nerd names.  Bilbo had an awesome song that I don’t remember at all.

Since Vomit Sutra has begun hashing with us pissing during circle has become a standard accusation, often as a preemptive action.  Because we know it will happen.  This time we also got Stage Fright (who was not as sneaky as he hoped) and Just Sparkles.

Just Jim was brought in for air pollution.  Then our visitors, all the CVNTs and for the first time Two Minute Ride.  A new accusation for us was anyone with a star, be it on nipples or elsewhere, on them – this pulled in Just Sarah, cockmonkey (with Bilbo taking over as DD), and Nutter Butthole (with Vomit Sutra as DD).  Then to Vomit’s dismay, Nutter started Yogi Bear.

Vomit Sutra then attempted to call in anyone named Stage Fright, which we allowed along with anyone related to Stage Fright.  Turns out Vomit had a song he was just waiting to sing just to his brother, so it worked out regardless.

Vomit Sutra and Two Minute Ride were called in for having hash tattoos, and then there were various other accusations to finish things up.  Now, our dedicated scribe had to leave before circle finished, but she made an attempt to figure out what the hell happened after she left.  It seems the pack was too drunk to award the hash shit so Granny Groper kept it and a handful of the pack went to the on-after.

Now, normally hash trash stops there.  But something different happened this week.  It seems Granny Groper was negligent, and he left the hash shit unattended allowing a dastardly deed to be committed.  That’s right, someone made off with the hash shit.  How do we know?  Well, let me say it wasn’t Granny Groper who alerted us to it (he must have been smashed).  No, it was the ransom note.

ransom1 ransom2

A shocked Granny Groper realized that the hash shit was NOT in his car, and has agreed to pay the ransom.  So hopefully at our next trail the hash shit will reappear.

#280 | MoHos trail

cockmonkey’s Log, Beerdate  9.29.2013

Start: Village Commons parking lot, South Hadley

Hare: cockmonkey

Pack: Suckit Wrench, Tasty Topple, Bilbo Teabaggins, Just Ryanne, UFO, Just Justin, and Virgin Farrah.  And for just circle, Just Jim.

Pretty nice day, especially for a trail through virgin territory.  At least I don’t think we’ve hashed through MoHo before, but good enough.  The trail was dead laid because the hare had no clue how secure the potential hiding place were, and nothing ruins a trail like missing beer.  What’s even better is new hashers coming back after their first trail, and bringing a virgin (well… hash virgin… she was married to him and they had several kids, so that question caused some confusion for her until we explained).

We were hoping to see Granny Groper.  After all, he said he’d be there to ransom back the hash shit.  But to no avail.  I guess he doesn’t love it all that much.  😛

Another nice thing was the HVH3 busiiness cards cockmonkey had ordered were in and actually at the trail.  So those were handed out to wankers who wanted to spread the word about us.  They’re pretty damn snazzy if I don’t say so.

Lots of the usual suspects didn’t make it.  Many were off engaging in racist activity.  Or skipping trail because they were too tired from racist activity.  We don’t buy it, Tasty Topple made it and she’s still on crutches.  A whole bunch of other wankers just didn’t make it.  My suspicion is really they didn’t come because it wasn’t a virgin lay.

Well a simple chalk talk was done, with a warning about all the miscellaneous sidewalk chalk that was NOT laid by the hare.  The hare gave Tasty Topple a beautifully drawn (haha) map for the walker’s trail.  Then the hare stepped out while introductions were being made to haul the beverage to the first check point.  Oh yeah, the second reason for dead lay is I really had no clue how many people were coming.  We had a few that didn’t replay who came and a whole bunch who replied that didn’t come.

I’m going to assume things went beautifully for the pack.  At least they all made it to the beer check, and at about the same time Tasty Topple made it from the walker’s trail.  I love it when things work out well.  Meanwhile, as the pack was exploring the Mount Holyoke campus (which seems to be reminiscent of Hogwarts), the hare made her way to the beer check with plenty of time and spent the wait watching a Blue Heron hunt for small fish and frogs.  It was pretty cool, sorry you all missed it.  Either way, the pack eventually showed up and we all enjoyed some Pumpkin Wheat homebrew.

Then the hare shooed the pack off, and Tasty Topple and the hare (hauling beer) took the walker’s trail to the second beer check.  The hare had to scamper a little bit to get out of sight at one point, but it was pretty close to the beer check (for walkers, the pack still had a seriously kickass song check coming up) and the hare is paranoid.  The second beer check was also quite scenic, and we got to hear stories of the type to make the teacher student relationship awkward between certain hashers (we’re not sorry).

Then one last haul to the end.  Awesome.

Well, Mr. Stumpy our illustrious RA was actually the first in.  As for the Mr. Stumpy part, somehow Bilbo got some mysterious infection from romping around in the swamp two weeks ago.  That takes talent.

More stories came out as we regathered for circle, such as the time Just Justin got a bloody nose during sex.  He hoped it would just stop so he kept going, but it didn’t stop bleeding.  Virgin Farrah was just happy that he wasn’t crying.

Feedback to the hare included “not enough tits” and “not enough dick” (which provoked some kilt raising, of course).  Our FRB was Bilbo Teabaggins, our FBI Just Ryanne (who we should probably think about naming soon), and DFL was shared between UFO and Tasty Topple.

Then it was virgin time!  Yay.  By the way, Big Piles is way better at dementing virgins than the rest of us.  We miss him.  Damn him for being off having fun rafting.  Virgin Farrah was sponsored by Just Justin.  She wanted to come with Just Justin (as Bilbo added, “no one wants someone to come without you).  For the dollar bill question she got REALLY close, then veered completely out to left field, and she was not amused by the square root of 69.  As for the bus she’d probably get off multiple times (woo!) and she’d probably watch her Uncle Jack.  We questioned if her standards were low enough, but it was mentioned that she DID have 3 kids with Just Justin, so was that really in question?  Supposedly Just Justin sometimes has a magic stick, though it’s also sometimes a roll over and go to sleep stick.  Good to know.  Then for fun verbal flubs Bilbo informed Virgin Farrah that “what does not go on you must go in you… wait a second…”

Backsliders were called out, which was just Tasty Topple, so we expanded it to “medical conditions” and pulled in Bilbo.  Digitizing got Just Farrah, Just Justin, UFO, and Suckit, and Nerd Names became a social, because why not?

For Hash Crash/Blood on Trail we had a few overachievers.  Someone fell down the stairs.  So Just Justin, Just Farrah, and UFO (for cutting her leg open shaving before trail and it was STILL bleeding).  Tech on Trail was UFO, Tasty Topple, and Bilbo Teabaggins.

Then Just Jim swaggered in.  Actually rolled in.  He was on his motorcycle.  So he got pulled in for motohashing and failing the sweat test.  Just Justin had a song  – the 4 Skin song.  Only he sang it the way cockmonkey does not the local hashers.  So 😛

Tasty Topple was the only named hasher without a whistle, and Just Jim (like always) was pulled in for air pollution.  Then were various announcements (including Tasty Topple’s offer of a virgin lay) and on to the on after.

#281 | Pirate Hash!

cockmonkey’s log, beerdate 10.12.13

Pirate Hash!  Or, Pornstarboard & Rear Admiral’s virgin lay take 2

Hares: Pornstarboard & Rear Admiral

Start: Burleigh Park, Palmer

Pack (what a scurvy gathering of wankers they are too):
Happy Valley: cockmonkey, Suckit Wrench, Anticock with a K Yankee’s Suck (which he admitted they are sucking right now), Just Rob, Just Jesse, Celine Ding-Dong, Just Ryanne, Super Chicken (really, at this point he isn’t really doesn’t count as a visitor), Bilbo Teabaggins, Just Shawn, Virgin Keith

CVNTs: Nutter Butthole, Vomit Sutra, Stage Fright

Summit: Pussy Destroyer

PooF: Counterfeit Dick

What a unsavory bunch of characters.  We had pirate captains, cabin boys, music pirates, and probably even a few butt pirates.  In exciting news the 10th (I mean 15th) Anniversary shirts were finally done!  You know you all want one.  Its what the cool kids are wearing.  In the case of cool and completely random Vomit Sutra suddenly ran off to the tennis courts and came back with loot.  Someone’s left behind windbreaker with zip off sleeves and an embroidered teddy bear and the words “why me?” on it.  So that was overly exciting.  We also got to hear how Celine Ding-Dong was named.

Why were we here again?  Oh yeah, hashing.  We eventually got to that.  Off into the unknown like the fools we all are.  Fortunately we managed to not get completely lost before the first beer check.  Yay beer!

It was after this point that things got a little funny.  The hares said something about going back from the beer check to some check on the trail.  We were all finishing our beer still, so we chilled while Anticock started off on the “walker’s trail”.  We figured the runner’s would catch up to him eventually once we finished our beer.

Ok, so back track along the trail until the last check.  Turns out we were right, we DID catch up with Anticock, only a lot sooner than we thought.  We checked every which way multiple times to no avail, leaving only the original trail to this check and the trail back to the beer check.  WHERE DID TRAIL GO?????  We were at a check, and CLEARLY trail would go in a new direction…

Well, we eventually gave up and started following the trail that led us up the hill in the first place.  Either trail actually did back track more than we imagined, or we could wander back to start and drink beer.

So… maybe what the hares told us wasn’t go back to the first check and trail goes on from there, but something a little bit more complicated.  Something about “double check” but what drunken wanker knew what that meant?  Turns out we were supposed to back track down the hill like we were already doing in defeat, because we found a new trail coming off a check further down the hill.  Well, shit.  On-On!

After a little bit we came across a booty check.  No, not the type of booty you would expect with hashers.  Rather since we were pirates today there was some treasure to plunder (including such goodies as mardi gras beads, candy, and nips) and instructions to sing Frigging in the Rigging.  Mmmmmm booze…

Then we had to find the trail again.  This led to the pack running around in circles for a bit.  Going out on paths that spiraled out from the booty check we kept coming back to the booty check or coming back to trail we had already run.  There couldn’t be another part of trail that looped back through a previously used check could there?  I mean, we at least had some warning about the first one… well, trail did recycle and go on.  And on a bit more out of the woods and down the street until a Song Check cuddling up against a YBF.  I’M SO CONFUSED (not really, we went back to the last check before the song check and on from there – and probably confused the neighborhood).

But back into the woods and on to the next beer check.  Yay beer!  Also tragedy, because it turns out that Just Shawn and his virgin had to leave before the end of trail.  Something about meeting people for a Red Sox game.  We informed Virgin Keith that since he pulled out rather than going through with it, he’s still a virgin for his next trail.  Which I guess works because he was only there as Just Shaun’s ride at first and really didn’t even know what was going on.

Well, trail must go on.  And so it did.  Through the woods, cross a stream, past a quite familiar hollow in the woods (beer check location from last year), and on.  Now, at this point we knew we were going back to start, and so when we hit a check that sent us away from where some of us thought we should be going, some of the slower wankers (cockmonkey included) lingered behind, and then decided to check the other path to see if trail met up ahead.  Shortly after calls of “YBF” are heard, as the faster wankers found a trail end and turned around.  Coinciding with this, cockmonkey discovered some hash marks on the ground and started running along the trail (shocking I know, she actually ran).  Turns out this was not only the way to go, but we were actually shockingly close to the end.  As the runners caught up, hashers began to burst out of the woods at trail’s end.

So then it was time for circle, so we could get to food, and the best way to start that is with the hares.  Feedback included: beer on trail was redemption for trail, concerns about diabetic shock, “have you considered seeing other co-hares?”, lots of booty, great beer, “no one told me to bring a compass,” and “insert motivational speech here.”  We sang them “Shitty Trail.”  Then called Pornstarboard right back in for cranium cover.

FRB was Counterfeit Dick and FBI was cockmonkey.  DFL was a shared honor with Stage Fright, Just Ryanne, and Celine Ding-Dong.  Turns out Celine was actually a surrogate drinker, but this was never announced, so both he and Just Ryanne (who he was drinking for) were called right back in.

The next accusation was a bit of a cascade.  Nerd Names got Just Jesse, Bilbo, and cockmonkey.  Then Pornstarboard joined them for tech in circle while she looked up lyrics to the “lobster song.”  Then cockmonkey had to stay for cranium cover in circle.

Since we just had tech, might as well continue with that.  Tech on Trail!  Just Rob, Stage Fright, Suckit Wrench, Bilbo Teabaggins, Pornstarboard, and Nutter Butthole.  Digitizing is like digitization, right?  So Counterfeit Dick, cockmonkey, Just Jesse, Bilbo Teabaggins, Vomit Sutra, and Rear Admiral all came in for digitizing.

Now next we had a treat.  We had NEW SHOES.  Not only that, but on our RA!  We made sure to only use the shittiest beer possible.  😀

Same gear pulled in Pornstarboard, Super Chicken, and cockmonkey (they were all just jealous of our spiffy new sweatshirts).  Celine started off with “My Girlfriend is a Vegetable” but it took a few minutes for us to catch on due to almost a completely different tune.

Backsliders were Just Rob, Pornstarboard, Rear Admiral, and Anticock with a K, who admitted that yes, the Yankees are sucking this year.  Named hashers with no gear or ID included Rear Admiral, Pornstarboard, Nutter Butthole, Celine Ding-Dong, and Bilbo Teabaggins.

We actually had no hash crash/blood on trail!  So then we went on to the hasher with the most looted booty.  They thought it was cockmonkey, but Just Jessie has WAY more in his pockets than cockmonkey had in her bra.  Dead Whore was sung much to Nutter’s disgust.

On a somber note, we held a social for Puffy, a hasher many of us knew.

Celine Ding-Dong was pulled in for Air Pollution, and since we know he does this on purpose, we pulled out Old McDonald.

Pissing in circle was Pornstarboard, Pussy Destroyer, and Vomit Sutra (pre-emptive).  We learned the song “Jerking off in Silence” to the tune of “Sound of Silence”.  That brought the response of “That brought a tar to my scrotum.”

For visitors we had Just Jesse, Nutter Butthole, Vomit Sutra, Counterfeit Dick, Stage Fright, Pussy Destroyer, and Super Chicken.  We decided that at this point Super Chicken is actually a back slider, but since he missed that down-down, we let him in as visitor.

We called circle there because we were hungry and had to be out of the park by dark, but we started trying to pry out stories of Just Ryanne since she is about due for a name!

#282 | Zombie Crawl & Tasty Topple’s Virgin Lay

cockmonkey’s log, beerdate 11.3.13

Hares: Tasty Topple & cockmonkey

Pack:  Celine Ding-Dong, Just Amanda, Just Megan, Just Ryanne, Virgin Kelly, Just Dan, Suckit Wrench, Pornstarboard, Big Piles, Just Shaun, Just Francis, Virgin Eric, Rear Admiral, Just Justin.

From the CVNTs: Hymen Hero, Emergency Medical Tits, Just Katie, Just Keegan, Virgin Nico, Just Kaitlin

Lots of you wankers who replied as coming on Facebook didn’t come.  In case anyone wonders I really don’t like using Facebook to gather responses, it is seriously unreliable, and I’m talking about compared to normal hasher reliability.  Decent pack either way, with a mix of zombies and zombie hunters.  That being said, when the hare is still recovering from a broken knee, your excuses have to be way better.


So this was Tasty Topple’s virgin lay, because she’s awesome like that.  cockmonkey came along to help her through this new experience (and to clamber through the areas that Tasty Topple’s knee couldn’t quite handle).  She got to lead her first chalk talk, and did pretty good.  Most of chalk talk was pretty straight forward, with one special themed check, a Zombie Check (like a group hug check, only moaning about brains, and maybe trying to eat brains).

As is only fitting for a zombie trail, it was a dead lay.  So after chalk talk and group photo, we sent the pack off.  Tasty Topple’s knee decided running trail with them was not such a good idea, so she cut ahead to the first beer check, while cockmonkey cut across campus to try and photograph the pack running trail.  Off through campus they went.

Lots of new hashers is totally awesome, except for one thing.  It’s like when people think sex is supposed to be polite.  WAAAAAY to quiet and not sharing what’s going on.  This led to lots of zombie like clueless wandering around.  Beeeeer…. beeeeeeer!

The good thing is if people were actually looking for marks trail was at least reasonably marked.  This meant they actually found the BN marking.


Rather looks like swarming zombies doesn’t it?

Beer (and baggo) proved to be tasty.  We reserved the really shitty beer for circle.  Then we pointed the pack into the woods, and cautioned them that while we tried not to turn on powder there was no way in hell the marks followed straight lines.  Also, that when they got to the start point to keep going, there was another beer check.

Sadly it seems the pack failed to notice the giant tree vagina while following our marks.  That or they’re not all that imaginative.  We also proved that the Walking Dead way exaggerates quite how quiet zombies are.  Seriously.  Fall leaves + shiggy + lots of small trees = noise.  But then there was candy and beer and you know how the rest goes until we met up for circle.

It was cold during circle.  So cold.  And it’s only going to get colder.  Dammit.  So lets try and make this quick (ha).

Feedback to the hares included “Wooo!”, “More boobs”, “fear of impalement”, “too many leaves” and other stellar bits of insight.  Then for even more fun we got to take care of all our virgins.  Three of them as it turns out.  Virgins Nico (Hymen Hero made him cum), Eric (Just Megan made him cum, and all he knew was she asked if he wanted to go for a run), and Kelly (who Just Amanda made cum).  Virgin Kelly giggled when asked what the sqrt of 69 was, and then said somewhere between 8 and 9 (actually, that sounds more like an Eiffel Tower than 69 to me…).  Virgin Eric would stay on the Bus, and Virgin Nico would help his uncle Jack off if he was paid.  As for when the dollar bill came out, we got “A Friday night in Springfield?” from Virgin Kelly and “Metaphorically speaking?  … I have no idea” from Virgin Nico.  Then we found out tthat Just Amanda wasn’t sure how to demonstrate a Down Down, having only hashed once before.  She did OK after we went through the tutorial however.

FRB: Suckit Wrench
FBI: Just Katie (with Hymen Hero as Designated Drinker, though she did have water, he just wanted to drink)

DFL: Just Keegan/Just Francis.

Hash Crash/Blood on Trail: Hymen Hero, Just Eric, Just Nico, Just Katie, Celine Ding-Dong, and Just Shaun.  Piles had to jump in because he forgot the lyrics to his song.

November Birthdays included Big Piles and Just Francis.

Backsliders!  We had a few.  Just Dan, Just Francis, Just Megan, and Big Piles (that’s what you get for having fun rafting in national parks!)

Visitors: Just Nico, Hymen Hero, Just Keegan, Just Katie, and Emergency Medical Tits.  We expected more visitors but they didn’t cum.  EMT and Just Keegan stayed in for cranium gear in circle.

Then because it was cold we just did one big almost social accusation orgy started off with bringing Just Shaun in for leaving last trail early.  Then we added in Whistle Check, Digitizing, and Pissing in Circle – bringing in Just Keegan, Tasty Topple, Just Katie, Big Piles, Hymen Hero, Rear Admiral, Just Megan, Just Francis, Just Dan, and Celine Ding-Dong.

From there we went to the much warmer location of Tasty Topple’s home, to enjoy beverage and the company of a few hashers who joined us late including Bilbo Teabaggins and the visitor Toothpick Dick.

#283 | Happy CVNT Trail #1

cockmonkey’s log, beerdate 11.5.13

So some half-minds got together and decided our kennels should do co-operative trail in our shared region of Greenfield.  Only things happened, so the original CVNT hare was unable to fulfill his manly duty (but it’s OK, he made up for it while acting as co-RA), so Bitey stepped in as the CVNT hare.  Bitey isn’t actually all that useful, so Big Piles stepped in to help cockmonkey lay this.

Hares: cockmoney, Big Piles & Bitey

Pack: Just Sparkles, Hymen Hero, Nutter Butthole, Not Enough Fingeres, Vomit Sutra, Bilbo Teabaggins, Just Justin, Emergency Medial Tits, Pornstarboard, Rear Admiral, Virgin Chris, Virgin Margarita, Suckit Wrench, Just Ryanne, Celine Ding-Dong, SHOW ME THE PENIS, Just Kelly, UFO, Metro Testicle, Virgin Danielle, Jimmy Crack Whore, *zzznrk* twat?, and Virgin Tony

Normally I’d separate out who’s from which pack, but as they’re all HVH3 or CVNT wankers, I didn’t see the need for this trail.

Trail had a spontaneous change of start.  Not on any particular effort by anyone, but mostly because everyone parked in the big public lot across from the start point, so we just decided to stay there.

The day was actually pretty nice for November, so that was cool.  A few wankers from other kennels were unable to make it for various reasons, and we had a few unexpected people show up.  Fun times.  So once it seemed that everyone who was going to cum had arrived, it was time for introductions and chalk talk.

So they’d be at the best angle, we brought all the virgins together (and put Bitey where he could observe, having never actually been taking on trail, only helped with circle).  We went around the circle for introductions, but Virgin Tony tried to be cute and claim his name was Hairy Ball Joint, obviously jealous of the name Suckit Wrench almost got years ago.  No one bought it… silly virgins, you don’t have a name when you start hashing.  I’m sure no one will remember this when it comes time to name him (*snicker*).

Chalk talk did nor originally include any tit or dick checks, but the pack whined so they were drawn in regardless of any intent to include them on this purely urban trail.  Pack marks at checks were also explained, though we later learned perhaps they were not explained well enough due to a pack mark that looked something like a true-trail arrow inseminating a check.  But hey, if the pack wants to help eachother get lost, who are the hares to complain?  Trail had a few notes/special marks.  One was the Moose check – a social check where they must all sing the moose song, the reasoning would be obvious when they got there.  We also indicated that some of the BH marks might have annotations, and that those annotations should be read and were not at all indicative of the fact that one of the hares forgot to check if the bar was still open when the trail start was moved earlier….

So leaving the pack in the hands of not one, but two, RA’s, the hares dashed off with their colored chalk to lay the trail.  There was some sort of warm up, we have photos of Vomit Sutra shaking his (surprisingly clothed) ass, I will assume it was amusing and warming.  Then off when the pack, not too far, because the first check was about 100ft from the start point (which they later complained was too far without any marks, whiners), and one of the quicker wankers turned the check into a tit check, to the joy of all the men.

So, somewhere between the start of trail and the first beer check the pack lost Jimmy Crack Whore.  Maybe it was at the back check?  No clue.  But the first beer check was at a bar, so a round for everyone and public bathrooms for those so inclined, and general warming up.  The hares waited around for a bit after everyone showed up, but Jimmy remained missing.  So, with regards to daylight and not wanting to be snared by bored pack once the beer was gone, it was time for the hare’s to leave.

Trail then took a nice little trip away from Main St in Greenfield, touring some grounds of learning, before weaving back.  The hares thought they had a close shave as they crossed a parallel intersection two blocks down from where they thought they saw the pack running, but who knows if it was actually them.  The hares made it not only safely to the beer check, but cockmonkey had time to run further to the friend’s house where she had stashed the beer, carry it back, and then hide behind some trees as we watched the pack come within 10 ft of us before veering off in their search.  Now, when Vomit Sutra, Nutter Butthole, and cockmonkey had scouted, the beer check had been somewhat well screened… since then a lot of shrubbery had been trimmed, so the beer check migrated slightly to the side, towards what appeared to be an abandoned hobo camp.

So the pack happily drinking homebrew, but Jimmy STILL not in sight, the hares laid the final dash back to start.  It really wasn’t far away, but we laid it anyway.

Well, the pack made it back, and various things were being dug out of cars, and attempts made to reach the still missing Jimmy, but before we had to decide if we had to go search for him, he showed up!  Huzzah, no rescue party was needed!  So get the man a beer and lets get circle started.

FRB: Rear Admiral

FBI: Nutter Butthole (with Vomit Sutra as DD), and then back in for cranium gear

DFL: *zzznrk* twat? or Jimmy Crack Whore, so both went in.  We weren’t really sure if epic lost on trail counted as DFL or not.  But with twat? in the circle the only song we could sing was “Hot Vagina”


Virgin Danielle made herself cum (with a little help from cockmonkey)

Virgin Tony was made to cum by Suckit Wrench
and Virgins Chris & Margarita were made to cum by family!  Pornstarboard and Rear Admiral

None of them guessed “All you can eat for under a buck”.  However Virgin Margarita guessed “pussy” for the square root of 69.  As for poor old Uncle Jack, Virgin Chris would push him over the edge, Virgin Margarita would let Virgin Chris take care of it, Virgin Danielle would use the drain pipe, and Virgin Tony felt morally obligated to help.

When asked for a Joke, Song, or Body Part, we got three jokes and Tony lifted his shirt up and yelled “boobs!”

Jimmy Crack Whore because we haven’t seen him in AGES.  Also *zzznrk* twat?, UFO, and Metro Testicle.  Celine Ding-Dong was brought in for air pollution while we were at it.  Then twat? got Old McDonald for leaving cranium cover on.

Technology!  Just Ryanne and Just Margarita

Blood Relative to another (present) hasher: Just Chris, Pornstarboard, Not Enough Fingers, Vomit Sutra, Suckit Wrench, and *zznrk* twat?

In honor of the holiday weekend, we brought in all Veterans/Active Duty hashers, so Vomit Sutra, Just Justin, and Just Chris

It was cold out, so we started lumping things together.  Wanker names + pissing in circle + digitizing, oh fuck it lets make it a social.

Kilted hashers without kilts or wearing their kilts as a skirt brought in Vomit Sutra, Just Sparkles, *zzznrk* twat?, Pornstarboard, UFO, Big Piles, Suckit Wrench, Bilbo Teabaggins, Just Justin, and cockmonkey.

Trail Treasure: UFO found a basket and Hymen Hero was now sporting a “sale” pennant sticker.

Then we did announcements and went off to the on-after for food.  And I’m sending this out 2 minutes before I should be at our next trail because I’m waiting for Just Tony who’s lost his keys and wanted to carpool with us.

#284 | Celine Ding-Dong’s Virgin Lay

cockmonkey’s log, beerdate 12.24.13

Start: Mt Holyoke trail head (did someone say head?), Batchelor St, Granby

Hares: Celine Ding-Dong & Two Minute Ride

Pack: Just Tony, Big Piles, Bilbo Teabaggins, Just Ryanne, Just Danielle, Just Justin, Suckit Wrench, Tasty Topple, Virgin Joe, Virgin Rachel, Just Kelly, cockmonkey

CVNTS: Metro Testicle, Just Amanda, Hymen Hero, Emergency Medical Tits, and Just Katie

I showed up late so I missed the hot beverage that we were supposed to mix the peppermint vodka with, so I just drank the vodka straight.  It was actually pretty good.  However, I showed up in time to hear 99% of chalk talk, so I guess it wasn’t too late.  There were some familiar marks, some new marks, some weird marks.  Something about a hook check, a crescent moon (sneak a cheek b/c it was cold and the hares were being nice… or they just knew we’d be lazy and do a running moon), and a spank machine check, and some other shit.  Some of the marks would be very very blue and some would be very very white – the hares had both flour and chalk but kept them segregated.  On the bright side, it meant that since we had no snow on the ground none of the marks would be colors that we would otherwise see on trail.  This is always a good thing (discernible from natural occurring random shit, it doesn’t really matter to us if the hare uses pure or mixed powder).

So lets let those damn hares get the trail started, so we can get to the beer and generally get warmed up.  Bye hares!  We’ll see you soon!

So off we went, with some runners, some walkers, and some in between.  This trail seemed like it would work out rather well for the walkers, as the first check had a YBF (or was it a back check?  I don’t know I was too far behind) that nicely reunited the pack.  In fact it seemed like we were destined for several checks along this pattern until we got to the Turkey/Eagle split.  Well, the Eagle branch of the trail was so hard there were NO MARKS AT ALL.  The Turkey part was nice and easy until we got to an undecipherable mark.  Was it a Joke Check?

I’m going to fast forward a bit here.  You don’t want to know how long we spent trying to find the trail from the wtf check OR along the Eagle split.  It was a long time.  It turns out the hares meant the Joke Check we found to be a YBF but failed at drawing three lines and that the Turkey/Eagle split was to be treated as a check (they’re lucky Big Piles stumbled across some marks in some random direction off in the woods, because we were about to go back to the check BEFORE the split).

From here trail got interesting, some people followed the marks, others followed an actual trail, so we got to a check and weren’t really sure who came from the right direction, particularly since every single mark since the Turkey/Eagle had been placed behind trees/rocks/obstacles so that you could only see them when you passed them.  So what is a hasher to do?  We guessed!   It’s like putting together furniture from IKEA, you have these step by step directions but you have no clue if you’re actually following them correctly or if they were written in the right order.

Then we found our first hook check.  Some people followed it and ran to the end of the line like they were supposed to.  Others did the expected thing which was to just stand at the check and wait for everyone because actually the pack wasn’t that spread out.  And off we went again, through windy foot paths, hidden powder, and between trees.

And then, up a treacherous winding path we found the hares and BEER!  Yay beer!  There were various shenanigans at the beer check, including some sort of extreme beer sharing between Hymen Hero and Metro Testicle.  The hares were razzed a bit about the wtf check and marking a trail for people running in the opposite direction.  It’s a virgin trail, we have to give them shit about lots of things.  Also, it helps keep everyone warm.So then the hares were off again, down a precarious hill and away.  We waited until they were out of sight and let out a coordinated “ON-ON” to the result of a satisfying yelp of fear from Two Minute Ride.  Then we actually finished our beers and went down the trail.We found several hook checks – we think the hares were worried.  On the otherhand, viewed from the right angle a hook check looks just like a Joke check…

There might have been a Spank Machine check at some point, but someone called out true trail so we followed that which led away from the Spank Machine on the bridge.  Oh well.  On to further exploration of trail, we didn’t know where the hell we were.

Now, there wasn’t a second beer check.  It was a shot check of shorts.  Also we had a total recall tit check, but none of the ladies had three breasts.  So, did you know that rum and cranberry juice is AWESOME mixed together?  I sure as shit didn’t.  Note for the future: Captain Morgan’s Black + Cranberry Juice = Win.  So the other awesome part about that combination is you get blitzed really quickly.

So about being really drunk.  Makes running trail even more of an adventure.  Sense of direction is a little fuzzy.  We were off after the hares again when several of the hashers made observations about quite how drunk they were.  The last of these as Just Tony, who stated that he was “A little more than drunk” and then distracted all conversation from how drunk someone might be by falling nuts first into a tree in the middle of the trail.

Well.  We did manage to all make it back to start mostly all in one piece.  Actually all the people known for horribly injuring themselves came out just fine.  However Virgin Rachel did wrench her ankle and we can only assume that Just Tony’s nuts were a bit sore from their close encounter of the aboreal kind.

So as the pack gathered at circle out came extra jackets, the propane heater, sleeping bags, and blankets.  People might have been a bit cold.

So then to the chilly circle.  We started out absolving everyone for cranium gear in circle.  We didn’t want to deal with it.

The hares were called out for the wtf check, for the T/E that really wasn’t that was right before the wtf check and we spent more time than we wanted at.  Pack had a lot to say about dicks – not enough, shrinking dicks, “i love penis” you know, the normal stuff.  But overall the pack seemed pleased with trail.  Or maybe their faces were frozen in grins.  And was Just Justin pissing while humping a tree during circle?  I’m not really sure.

FRB was Metro Testicle
FBI was Just Ryanne
DFL was Hymen Hero because of pissing on trail.

Virgins!  Virgin Joe and Virgin Rachel.  Just Kelly made them cum.  We were impressed that they both came at once for the same person.  They weren’t so good at math but their responses to the bus full of gays were “I don’t think I’d have a choice” and “just the tip.”  As for poor Uncle Jack, it looks like he’d be left on the roof.

Tech on Trail: Tasty Topple (who wanted to cum in circle), EMT, Bilbo Teabaggins, Metro Testicle, and Just Ryanne.

Hash Crash: Just Tony, Just Amanda, and Just Kelly

And then a social for everyone else because it was COLD.

Now we DID have a naming to take care of, so we decided to do that at the on-after.  So, to the Yardhouse!

So naming Just Ryanne.  We now were able to start thawing out and there was really no one but us and staff in the bar, so it seemed like a great setting.  Lets be honest, had we tried to name her outside at circle she would have gotten something like “its so cold my dick has turned into a clit” and we knew we could do better than that.

Nothing like the interrogation of someone to be named.  We had some ammunition on her already, cause it seems that Two Minute Ride does in fact kiss and tell, and a few stories she told already (like a super shitty sacrifice so not to cock block her friend).  We learned about escapades on rewarding a tow-truck driver while they were on the road (while being of small stature worked in her favor for that feat, his statures apparently lacked where it counts).  We learned of anal adventures, innovative uses for bic pens, getting caught getting it on at a (closed) mental hospital, even a preference for girl/girl porn.

However the jackpot came when asked about what she likes to fantasize about.  She immediately turned to woman who is not only a fellow hasher, but one of her professors.  “Tasty Topple!  Don’t judge me!”

I think it was safe to say no matter what ideas we had been generating at that point, some sort of “hot for teacher” reference was going to be made in her name.

Oh so many ideas, some good, some not so good, but we were looking for just that perfect mix of horrible excellence.  So Just Ryanne was NOT named Bic It Or Flic It, nor was she named Grand Theft Anal, or Mega-Sore Ass, or even Ball Points Deep.  Hot For Teacher and See Me After Class weren’t clever enough, and I’m not sure any of us got Penjamin Stanklin at the time except for the one who nominated it.  But finally after a long, arduous, and probably embarrassing process, we found the name.  From this point forwards Just Ryanne will be known as Semen After Ass.

#285 | Scrooged Hash!


Twas the weekend before Hashmas and all thru the Valley
Not a Creature was stirring, not even Anne Malle (Cause she’s dead! R.I.P.R. [Rest in Porn Reruns])
The Pack Gathered ever so slowly
At the Wendell State Forest Ranger galley
For Happy Valley was hashing,
If you didn’t cum
Aren’t you sorry?

What? Happy Valley Hash No. 289 If that number is’t right it’s okay, its tradition.

Where? The Wilds of Wendell State Forest in Wendell, Massachusetts

Why? I’ll be damned if I know why – been doing this for 20+ years and I still haven’t the foggiest idea why.

December 21st, 2013

The Hare: Anticoch, co-Layers included Dewey Do Me! and our newest Hash Hound, “Roxy Lady”.

The Pack:Just Jimmy:Rhode Island,Just Katy:CVNT, Vomit Sutra:CVNT,Celine Ding Dong:HVH3,Just Justin:Okinawa, Just Kelly:HVH3,2 Minute Ride:HVH3,Dewey Do Me!:HVH3,Big Piles:HVH3, Counterfeit Dick:Da Pitts/Pooflingers,Hymen Hero:CVNT,Semen After Ass:HVH3.

Trail conditions for this ramble thru Wendell State Forest were just perfect for a shiggy and snowy hash. Thanks to global warming or whatever it is, the temps were in the 50’s, but  the snow was in many places calf to knee deep.

The pack gathered ever so slowly, so the Hare waited a healthy Hash Standard 30 minutes, plus about another 15 before asking for a 15 minute cranium start to lay out the beer check. The Hare donned snowshoes and was off, but only for about 5 minutes before he turned around and came back, realizing he forgot to mention where the trail started.

True trail commenced behind the Ranger Station and proceeded down a snowy slope to the first of many checks. Trail was spotted (The trail was marked in Orange Hashthrax)going further downhill towards the dam at Ruggles Pond. After a couple of tricky checks, true trail crossed a narrow, icy set of boards above the dam and ran towards the field and pavilion at Ruggles Pond. ( The same site as many a Buffett Hashes) The big shining “B” was alongside the pavilion denoting salvation in the form of Pabst Blue Ribbon in cans along with cheesy-poofs. Right at the beer was a strategically located “Circle T”. Just Kelly graciously cleared the check for those gathered to witness the double glorius event.

At the beer check the pack grew in size to 11 not counting the hare with the late arrival of Big Piles, who was technically DFL to the beer check. Two Minute Ride, who BTW was dressed in seasonally appropriate hash attire of red and black checkered sport coat, red tights and a Santa-esque body suit with strategically placed black buttons, needed to take a leak and while doing so gave the assembled masses a sort of burlesque number. Thanks TMR! (Don’t worry, it was caught on camera.)

After about 40 minutes, a.k.a. until the beers ran out, Counterfeit Dick commenced chasing Hashthrax down some snow mobile trails and across some whitetail lays. Trail followed the shoreline of Ruggles Pond before zig-zagging uphill thru the forest.

Whichy-Ways, a Dicks Check, and an appropriately marked in yellow pee “P” check, slowed the pack down so that the final dash to the finish took about 20 minutes.

The Pack caravaned back to the Hare and Hash Hostesses’ farm for circle, chow and hot tub.

Semen After Ass was drafted to scribe, so thank you for this wonderful accunting of trail and afterwards antics! Big Piles RA’d.

The Hare was called into the circle and was vilified, mortified and glorified for his and Dewey’s lay. Trail marks were in the high 69 range, and it was good. Hare’s song was SHITTY TRAIL, which people had a hard time spelling (??? – I dunno, I guess that’s why they’re Halfminds)

FRB was 2 Minute Ride (I think) and DFL was Just Kelly. FBI was Just Katy. Hymns were sung, beer was doused and slated. Many, Many hashers violated the hat in circle rule and stayed for multiple songs.

All the usual miss-steps and foibles were brought to everyone’s attention but those notes did not survive the rain that began towards the end of circle.

After circle, we held a Yankee Swap for Hashmas presents. Among those items exchanged were: An edible candy G-String, Thigh High French Fishnet Stockings, Digestibe Strawberry Lube, a gift certificate for a hand-made Hash necklace by CD, a six pack of Sierra Nevada, a fifth of Peppermint Schnapps, a box of stuff, a box of green Peeps and various condoms, and some other stuff.

Dewey Do Me! BBQ’d up some chicken titties and swordfish and along with other sides we chowed down in style. BTW, The Hare announced that since it was almost Hashmas that this was going to be an old-fashioned Happy Valley “Hare’s Treat” Hash, so no one was charged Hash cash. Beers provided were PBR in cans and Yuengling Bock in bottles, and two growlers of Element Brewing’s Extra Special Oak. Other things passed around included something called “Oatmeal Cookies”.

At this point there were suddenly quite a few Nekkid Hashers and Harriettes entering the Hot Tub and from there the night degenerated into a blur of spilt drinks, snow angels and a final shout of: “WHAT’s The Matter with youse people, Have you no homes to go to?”

The final hasher was unceremoniously kicked out around 10:00 p.m.
Extra Stuff left at the Farm following last nights Hash:
One Bluish colored Sports Bra thing.
One Petite pair of black pants
One black bikini underwear thingy
One pair of greenish dry socks
One lone gray wool sock
One Blackwatch style Sport Kilt with two buckles
One box containing an Edible Candy Bikini bottom
One little black blanket
That’s all we have found, so far!