Hash Trash from 2012


cockmonkey’s log, beerdate 1.28.2012

You know, for a day in January it was pretty damn nice out.  Almost warm, and definitely a bit sunny.

The trail start point was unfortunately partially occupied by the landowner wielding a chainsaw, but fortunately he finished his work before we got too rowdy (and particularly before we got back for circle).  Sometimes knowing the landowner does not help the hare.

cockmonkey (hare)
Porn Starboard
Virgin Mike
Jimmy Crack Whore
Pussy Factory
Pop Top
Counterfit Dick
Big Piles
Virgin Katerine
Virgin Art
Suckit Wrench (super late for trail)
Anticock with a K, Yankee’s Suck (well, he was present for chalk talk then went home, the wanker)


This was about 5 more bodies than were expected when the hare purchased beer that morning and set out the checks.  There seemed to be enough beer, however the pack brought along their own drinking vessels as adequate numbers of those had not been preset.

Another thing that was unexpected since our hare doesn’t pay attention to sports, or really what is going on at Umass at any given time: there was some sort of sports event going on at the Mullins Center.  A very popular sporting event.  One that meant there were lots and lots of pedestrians walking over parts of the trail, parking over parts of the trail, and possibly giving the hare a heart attack when some came out of the woods right next to the first beer check.

But all the pack who stayed for trail (and was there when the pack left) made it to the first check, eventually.  Even if it did take some extra noise making to make sure they all found it.

Then the so far gentle trail went uphill.  Oh the horror!  Except, lets be honest, it really wasn’t that much uphill, or even all that steep.  But its the thought that counts.

Somewhere during this time frame Suckit had shown up at the start point, and started wandering around Umass until he found some marks, and then managed to find the second beer check while our hare was waiting for the pack.  Extra entertainment was found while we enjoyed our brew on a picnic table as a frisbee was found.  And whilst the beverage was being enjoyed our hare left to finish the trail.

And off the hare ran, past the kids smoking joints pretending they were smoking cigarettes.  Encountering locked doors changing the plans for the trail.  And freaking out when she strayed too close to the lacross field where practice was going on and heard many a whistle pierce the air.

Shortly after the hare reached the end point the pack started to trickle in.  FBI was Decibelle, FRB was Counterfit, and DFL was Suckit.  The hash shit couldn’t be awarded since it wasn’t there.

On after had us all at the ABC where we discovered beer that tasted like Chocolate Pudding, as well as some other super tasty brews and food.

Supposedly there is a trail this weekend, but I haven’t heard anything more about it besides it will be in the Wendell State Forest.


cockmonkey’s log, beerdate 3.10.2012

The hash trash that finally happened, but its only a month late for a trail that happened three weeks after it was originally scheduled.

It was that time again, time for us to get lost in the boondocks of Wendell, perhaps to stumble across a poorly hidden (or well hidden and we’re just really lost) pot farmer’s patch, in hopes for beer, and hoping that its is not well aged Old Chub beer.

Super Chicken
Counterfeit Dick
Accidentally Anal
Jimmy Crack Whore
Friar Fuck
Shitty Trail (woof)
Suckit Wrench
Big Piles (hare)
Anticock with a K, Yankees Suck (hare)

The pack gathered at the ranger station for the Wendell State forest, some of us later than others, and then loitered and drank beer as our hares were missing!  Oh the tragedy!  The pack inquired about the Zombie Jesus Trail for this year, and was shocked that it was not going to happen, which resulted in a compromise date being found (Friday the 6th instead of a Saturday), and the trail was once again on as planned.  Fortunately before the beer ran out they arrived, making a heroic effort to crest the hill leading up the the ranger station after a long arduous journey prelaying trail.

So the pack was off, and the hares were off to go get the beer and put it out at the check point.  Down the hill we went.  I must say I remember the hill being WAY longer and steeper when I was a kid, much fun for sledding on.  But even with the gentler slope and ongoing thaw there was some accidental sledding going on, with Jimmy having a very close call before we reached the beach.

If only one thing was to be said about the trail here it would be: scenic.
Forest, waterfalls, rock formations, cliffs rising above it all, and did I mention a tit check?  Tit check would have also been a FANTASTIC place to enjoy some beer, but it wasn’t to be, and we had to trudge even further for our beverage.

And then we saw it.  A familiar dark truck.  And in it was cheap beer and oreos.  Along side it were Anticock with a K and his faithful hound LaLa.  Big Piles was out acting as sweep and was no where to be seen until he, Friar Fuck, and Shitty Trail finally appeared.  It seems our cohare almost got himself and the visitor lost!  But it all worked out in the end, and with the faster wankers already off to finish the trail some of us decided to take the adventurous ride out while Anticock decided to test how well his 4WD worked on the icey road.

Finally we were all back at the beginning, but circle was not to be there.  Instead we made it to Chateau de Anticock for circle, a location hosting beer, food, hot tub, and sheep.  Circle was had, hot tubbing was enjoyed, food was eaten, Counterfit gleefully was able to report to his wife that her brother is not gay, and Suckit celebration overflowed onto Anticock’s lawn (sorry).

So ends the belated recollection of trail #255.  More may have happened but I was driving a drunk hasher home with occasional stops along the way.  Zombie Jesus write up following soon.

#256 | Zombie Jesus Hash #4

cockmonkey’s Log, Beerdate 4.6.2012

What the fuck.  Since when is this trail on a Friday?  Hell, when was the last time Happy Valley did a Friday trail?  Well it happened anyway.

In attendance (maybe… I make no promises that this list is at all complete or accurate… there was rain and my car window was open and my hashing shit was sitting right there…):jesus
cockmonkey (hare)
Suckit Wrench
Big Piles
Counterfit Dick
Pussy Factory
Anticock with a K
Willy Wanker
Virgin Seth (I think it was Seth, if it wasn’t it might have been a Sean)
Virgin Zach (maybe)

Yes that’s right, we had TWO virgins, and who made them come?  A mother’s boyfriend (or was she married to him making it a stepfather?  There was a bit of beer at that point and I was a bit lazy in writing this.  TLDR: His non-biological paternal unit made him come).  For garb we had our Easter Jesus (Willy Wanker), our centurion (Anticock with a K), and some schmuck running around in a turban (Cajonas).

Well, in her normal true style cockmonkey was recovering from some sundry injury on her foot, so the trail was prelaid.  So sorry pack, no snaring on this trail.  Once everyone was present chalk talk began and Easter eggs were gone over (namely if they’re in a playground/church/elementary school those may actually belong to kids, others were free game).  Then the hare was off with the beer on her back to the first beer check, and at some point the pack was off on the trail.  There was likely some more beverage consumed and some warm up for the trail.

You know what was really cool about this trail?  A lack of reused beer check points!  Also eggs with candy and adults running around collecting them on their quest for beer.  What was disappointing was that the frat parties the trail ran by did not offer Easter Jesus beer.  They did offer Cajonas beer, who for some reason failed to accept, but did brandish his backpack full of empties at them.  The first beer check was in the woods off a walking trail, the second was on the rail road tracks.  In case you are wondering, passing trains do horrible things to flour marks anywhere on the tracks.  Between the first and second beer check we lost an Anticock who was being a lazy wanker and just returned to the start point.

Then there was circle and drinking and virgin dementing and prizes (Oh My!).

Overall another successful running of the Zombie Jesus trail, and we really should do another hash trail soon (besides, regular trails force me to actually write these things in an almost timely manner).


cockmonkey’s log, beerdate 6.14.2012

It was a sunny (or maybe it was cloudy) buggy evening.  But since we’re creeping towards the summer equinox it looked like some afternoon hour rather than 7pm (ish) in the evening.

Not only is this hopefully the start of our seasonal hashing season (ie actually laying trail every other week), but we eventually had present return visitors, new visitors, new to the area, a backslider, and the usually wankers.

Big Piles (hare)
Anticock with a K, Yankees Suck
LaLa (woof)
Suckit Wrench
i’m always soft
Morning Missile (visitor from across the country)
I Eat Cum
Just Dan
Just Brian

Piles had wisely planned on doing a live trail, then IEC showed up, so in chalk talk both back checks and song checks were addressed.  It was pointed out the folly of this,as it assumes that IEC will actually be paying enough attention to notice the checks, or that he’d even be on trail and not zenning his merry way along.

Because i’m always soft was running late the pack gave the hare a nice cranium start, though the bottle of rum that one of our visitors has brought probably helped as well.  IEC and Anticock (with his trusty familiar) set off at a walk after a reasonable wait, with the pack waiting a little bit longer.  Eventually even the pack was getting antsy enough that they took off, with your illustrious scribe staying behind waiting for i’m always soft to show up.  So they pack headed off into the poison ivy infested forest, and about 5-10 minutes later the late backslider got around to showing up.

The pack was very considerate and left stick and rock markers at checks for us slow lagging wankers to catch up during the first part as the trail twisted and turned through the woods on offroad and foot paths.

And then the light was in sight!  The sky opened up and the rays of heaven shown down on a tall, fortunately not injured this trail, scruffy hare with his supply of refreshing beverage.  But as the last of us to start the trail showed up and relax, we realized, where the fuck was Anticock?  We all realize he rarely runs, but how did he end up that far behind (and us particularly late starters didn’t see him at all on trail)?  While we continued to enjoy our drinks and check for ticks Anticock ambled in, having pushed the limit on a wrong way at a check.

From this check the trail went first deeper into the woods then out of the trees into various green leafy matter and thorns and not yet ripe berries.  Even more exciting we were right along side a sheer drop off that was part of a quarry – and a blasting zone!  Sadly there were no explosions on going (or really anything exciting going on with the heavy machinery), but we still had a magnificent view when we found our beer check along the ridge.

Eventually once again everyone was at the check except Anticock.  After a lengthy time to enjoy our brews we realized that he probably wasn’t coming to the check and we continued on our way.

The pack followed Piles instructions back to his “Beer Somewhat Near” check… then things went their own way.  The pack decided to take off after IEC in his zenning adventures, then decided to just follow the power lines back.  IEC did his own thing that eventually works out.  cockmonkey eventually said “fuck this” to trying to keep up with a pack that was completely zenning (forgetting of course that the trail did cross the power lines near the beginning), turned around, found the trail and ran that back to start.  Of course since the zenning pack actually did take the more direct (if less scenic) route back people assumed that cockmonkey was lost and went looking.  Suckit found cockmonkey following the true trail back to the start point, but our visiting Just was still off in the woods looking for her (which is what you get by trying to be helpful).

There was a rather distracted and short circle.  People were lame about coming up with accusations and about accepting them, but we had one sort of social.  I blame the long stretch of time it took for everyone to get in to the end point (starting with Anticock who seemed to have just gone straight back to start after the first check) to cockmonkey’s arrival following he actual trail, and the increasing number of mosquitos.

The on after was to be at the Moan and Dove, but we were so late all the food places near were closed, so we went to the Hanger for a large pile of meat and beer.

Next Happy Valley Trail (#258): June 28th, Hare: Anticock, start point TBD, somewhere in the Easthampton or Northampton area

July 6 – Da Pitts Trail, contact Counterfeit Dick: Counterfeitdick@msn.com
July 7 – “preview” of GAP, contact also Counterfeit Dick (as far as I know)
July 12 – Second Annual Big Piles Hash Crash Bash, Hare: Suckit Wrench, start point TBD, somewhere in Amherst or Belchertown area.  THIS IS A BICYCLE TRAIL!
July 26 – hopefully another HVH3 trail, anyone want to hare?  Bueller?


cockmonkey’s log, beerdate 6.28.2012

Anticock (hare)
Suckit Wrench
Just Jenny (CVNT)
Not Enough Fingers (CVNT)
Vomit Sutra (CVNT)
Pussy Factory (Da Pitts, PooFlinger)
Counterfeit Dick (Da Pitts, PooFlinger)
Virgin Mindi
Jimmy Crack Whore (also PooFlinger)
Super Chicken (supposedly still Hartford, but we’re starting to not believe him)

The start point was in the center of Florence, not at an address per say, but rather on a large island at the intersection of three roads with a fountain (water sports anyone?), with the Florence VFW on one side, and the Lily Library on another (where there was a free public concert going on).

Our visitors from CVNTs arrived before the hare, Vomit in his kilt and regalia.  When arriving at the start point and finding a hasher waiting, the hare decided to play ignorant and ask Vomit if he was Scottish or a cross-dresser, until admitting that he was also there for hashing.

Suckit Wrench and cockmonkey arrived after chalk talk thanks to what appeared to be several very bored State Police.  Super Chicken arrived after that, right before the hare was about to leave with beverages.  The trail was to be cajun, with three checks drawn for chalk talk (piss break, tit check, song check).  So we were all present, with a good idea of how to follow the trail, and the hare was about to go place the beer when it came to light that our illustrious hare couldn’t remember where he started marking the trail!  Finally that was located and we were given one last parting remark from Anticock, that there was to be some check at some event going on that wasn’t in chalk talk.  Something about something in a circle.

The first leg of the trail was fraught with peril.  And by fraught with peril I mean Virgin Mindi was the trail’s first casualty, escaping fortunately with no more than a small patch of concrete rash on her arm (rather than also on her arms, hands and knees).  However as she retained far more skin and blood than was feared, she declared it “only a flesh wound” and continued on trail.

Then we came to a circle with to c’s in it.  It obviously meant to be something other than a Creative Commons licensing mark.  Since it was right in the middle of a cruise night with some absolutely gorgeous cars we looked around a bit while searching for the next mark.

At this point we were still wondering where all the promised shiggy was.  However, we did not have far to go, trail soon went along side a field, and from there into the woods onto no discernible form of footpath at all.  Through the shiggy and into the water and across the stream!  We managed to make our way through the treacherous current and slippery rocks without any damage and discovered a path slightly less shiggy… and a tit check!  All of the ladies decided to ford the stream at an angle where there were more opportunities to avoid the water and heading in the direction the faster pack members were heading, so we came back on path almost right at the check.

And off went the trail including by another hash mark we were not told about in chalk talk… a large pile of flour vaguely resembling a face with an open mouth (the resemblance was increased by the addition of two eye holes).  But out of the woods and through a field and back into the woods again!  But our perseverance paid off as once we made it past the brush pile fencing the beer was in sight.

Eventually the mosquitoes forced us away from the beer check and back on trail to the start point.  Well at least they did for most of us.  Turns out one of the pack autohashed, hopping in the hare’s truck as the beer was brought to circle.

Circle was held in a slightly less public location, this time at the Veteran’s Memorial across from the Florence VFW.  cockmonkey stood in as RA for circle as Big Piles was in Utah and Anticock was the hare.  The second order of business of circle (after bringing the hare in) was to demonstrate how to do a down down and to dement Virgin Mindi (as she was to soon drink for other infractions).  When asked who made her cum she replied “You want the list?” demonstrating a proper hash mindset.  Since the person who introduced her to hashing was several states away, we had Anticock stand in as sponsor to show how to do a down-down.  Once we finished with the dementing and welcoming Just Mindi into our sordid ranks, we got on with business, starting with FRB (Counterfeit Dick), FBI (Just Mindi), and DFL (Pussy Factor).

Other down-downs were called out for both infractions and honors, including a family down-down (we had siblings Pussy Factory and Jimmy Crack Whore, plus Vomit Sutra, his sister Just Jenny, and his mother Not Enough Fingers.  Counterfeit was allowed to drink with them as well as he has had relations with one of the siblings).  The family down down marked the second time during circle that Anticock started a song in the middle – completely forgetting the beginning!  The first song was “It’s a small dick afterall” and the sibling song was (of course) “Dinah won’t you blow me.”  Other down downs included blood on trail, visitors, birthdays (cockmonkey’s was in 4 days), backsliders, and a tribute down-down for Veterans as we were at a Memorial.  Vomit Sutra introduced a new verse to “Shitonya” – “Cockinya” to the delight of hashers present.

There was also a nomination by Counterfeit Dick for a naming of Just Mindi.  True such things are rare one one’s virgin trail, but two things were brought to everyone’s attention whereas she had practically named herself by her actions on today’s trail.  1. A soft serve ice-cream shirt with the words “Tasty Top” and 2. A blood-letting hash crash on her first trail.  So it was that Just Mindi became Tasty Topple, because it was so fitting we couldn’t resist.

The hash shit was absent, as the bearer was in Utah.  So in absentia we awarded it again to Big Piles, and nominated Suckit Wrench to drink for Piles.

July 8th, 2pm, CVNTs trail at Harris Hill Ski Jump in  Brattleboro VT, http://harrishillskijump.com/directions
Ski’s optional
July 12th, 7pm, Big Piles Memorial Hash Crash BASH, likely in Amherst
Cranium count requested.  If you want a tag contact cockmonkey with name, home hash, and preferred form of protection.
For those who are not familiar with the term “BASH” it is a bicycle hash.
Da Pitts – stay tuned for July trail
PooFlingers – stay tuned for July trail
August 17-19, 5th Annual GAP.  Register bitches!  http://413h3.com/
We ended the circle without having attracted any police attention, and disbanded to our homes and food

#259 | Big Piles Memorial Hash Crash BASH #2 (BASH #3)

cockmonkey’s log, beerdate 7.12.2012

A gorgeous, soon to be buggy, evening, on which we all gathered to celebrate the occasion where we managed to not kill Big Piles with our trail.  The Happy Valley Hash House Harriers (and guests) met for their 259th trail, our 3rd BASH, and our 2nd Annual Big Piles Hash Crash Bash.

We gathered in the parking lot of the Amherst Comcast Office, 160 Old Farm Rd.
Suckit Wrench (hare)
Big Piles
Just Jenny – CVNT
Vomit Sutra – CVNT
Counterfeit Dick – PooF

Chalk talk was easy, and done while Suckit started trail, scurrying off on his one-speed at impressive velocity.  Cockmonkey took care of the formalities as by the time everyone showed up it was a bit late.

Eventually the pack followed soon to run into tragedy, but not of the hospitalization kind.  Just Jenny, riding her mother’s bike thanks to her brother, found a hole in her rubber.  Fortunately Vomit is actually MacGruber and quickly used a bandaid (or was it the bandaid wrapper?) to patch the hole so they could safely continue their fraternal recreation.  Shortly after that Cajonas caught up to cockmonkey to pass on the news of the flaccid tube, at which time cockmonkey failed to pull both feet out of her toe grips and proceeded to reacquaint herself with gravity.

So by the first beer check we had one crash and one blow out.  But there was beer (and mosquitoes) and we were all alive and uninjured.

But eventually trail must go on, and we continued up the hill and out of the boonies to Rt 9.  Up the hill on Rt.9 and off again, past the new Dwight Chapel.  And now the good part.  Downhill!  WHEEEEEEE!

After a good bit of downhill fun, cockmonkey decided to zen, even knowing that it was probably not a good idea since she never really learned the roads of Amherst Woods.  So after zenning the long way and missing one of the many song checks, the cockmonkey joined the rest of the pack at the second beer check.  This was at a random large area of concrete in the woods, which served as a nice place to stretch out and enjoy some kool-aid masquerading as beer.

At this point it was getting dark enough that it was time to bring out the head (who said head?) lamps so we could find our way back to start.  Vomit kindly shimmed Just Jenny’s bike lamp with a condom so she’d have a steady beam.

Then there was circle, and beer was drunk, accusations flew, and ultimately cockmonkey got the hashshit for some reason or another (but she’s cool with that because she has something to add to it).

Next trail is scheduled for Thursday, July 26th.  Possibly by Cajonas (and if not him, likely Piles).  So stay tuned for more info.


cockmonkey’s log, beerdate 7.25.12

It was a dark and stormy night, with warnings for thunderstorms, tornadoes, locust, rains of frogs and locust, cats and dogs living together!

From different corners of the valley the pack assembled.  From Wendell, the sad twangs of a guitar abandoned by Anticock.  From Belchertown a loud thump and swearing as cockmonkey dropped a 25 lb computer on her foot and Suckit Wrench attempted to help.  From South Amherst the clank of beer bottles with Big Piles.  We straggled together for our epic trail.

Against the elements we stood.  Vehicles huddled against the might of the storm while we stood defiant, wind lifting our kilts.  Little did we know that this day was the start of the World Naked Roller Derby Tour, where they played in the streets in a cross country tour starting right in our path.  All the backsliding wankers who were absent missed out.  Sorry.

But finally, battered and worn we finished our epic journey starting in one parking lot and ending in another.  Triumphant we we feasted and drank and made plans for the future.

Cockmonkey remains the bearer of the hash shit for another week for the botched attempt at breaking her foot before trail.


Next Trails:

Thurs. 8/9, 19:00 HST, University Drive, behind Athena’s pizza.  Give me a craniums up if you’re planning to be there.

Thurs. 8/16, Happy Valley Hash to prelube you for the GAP Hash.  Anticock said something about crash space, I assume cranium count would be useful for beer count.  Please note date, we are shifting our hash schedule back one week.

Where: Wendell State Forest Ranger Station
Hare: Anticoch (HVH3)
Why: Beer & Shiggy
Extend your GAP weekend with another hash! Explore the wilds of Wendell State Forest. See where Puffy endured the infamous Friar F#ck ass crack down-down and other interesting tid bits of history!
Promises: Beer, Shiggy, Views, Contour Lines, On After BBQ

Thurs. 8/30
Hare: TBA

Has been finished.  This means we should have shirts made up soon.  Everyone stare intently at Big Piles until he gets it done.


cockmonkey’s log, beerdate 8.9.2012

Let’s just pretend this hash trash is written on time, ok?

Start Point: 65 University Drive (Behind Athena’s Pizza)

Big Piles (hare)
Suckit Wrench
Vomit Sutra (CVNT)
Not Enough Fingers (CVNT)
Tasty Topple
Just Tim (CVNT)
Just Jenny (CVNT)
Counterfeit Dick (Da Pitts)

We all gathered behind a pizza parlor of questionable quality (and unknown if it is still even in business), where we were serenaded by someone’s radio off in the woods somewhere.  Who the fuck knows where, it wasn’t from the direction of any business or any area that made sense, but what did that matter?  We were gathering for beer!  Not only that but the Just Jenny came prepared with her plastic champagne glass and her drinking straw glasses that squirt all over her face.

The chalk talk had a few marks that were different from usual, including BVFC – which is not “Beer Very Fucking Close” as we all thought.  In fact it was “Be Very Fucking Careful” at which we have to wonder, what the fuck is the hare thinking?  Hashers, careful?  But we took it in stride and off went the hare.  We then realized we had NO BEER while we gave an appropriate cranium start!  Fortunately we were able to unlock Pile’s vehicle to get at the beverage inside.

So bellies full of lightly chilled alcoholic foam we made our way after the hare.  Through check after check we ran (or walked, or meandered).  One false led to a homeless encampment.  Behind Big Y we briefly lost our way.  Where did the trail go?  But then it was found and much dashing was done as the pack reformed to find ourselves so close to the beer check.  Sweaty hashers enjoyed cold brews while the dew point matched the current temperature.  It was damp and slippery all over!

But the mosquitoes eventually drove us forward, on to find yet more beer and maybe to a spot with fewer blood suckers.  After getting stumped briefly (well, maybe a bit longer than briefly) in the Stop & Shop parking lot we refound the trial and found the first BVFC.  At a cross walk going over Rt 9.  Probably a good idea for us to be somewhat careful at that point.  By now light was fading so cranium lamps started being turned on as we scampered through a residence complex and into the woods again.

And then there was Beer!  And not only that but there was a huge tire swing.  BEST BEER CHECK EVER.  Seriously, if you weren’t there you missed an awesome party.  Also the tire managed to hold like 6 of us on it at once without the tree it was on breaking.  Thank the yeasty gods.  Eventually we realized that we’d have to actually make our way back to the start point for more beer and circle.

FRB – Suckit Wrench
FBI – cockmonkey
DFL – Just Jenny

Blood on Trail: Tasty Topple (surprise!) and Counterfeit Dick (blister, we figured oozing bodily fluids was close enough)

Birthday! – Vomit Sutra (42!  The answer to life, the universe, and everything)

Visitors (only more than half the pack) sang a very shaky rendition of “I met a whore in a park one day” and we celebrated Just Tim’s first Happy Valley visit (Vomit made him come).

Whining on trail went to Just Jenny and Not Enough Fingers.  Counterfeit Dick was hit with Flat tires on trail.  cockmonkey had to drink for forgetting the hash shit.

Next up: Hash Trash for trail #262


cockmonkey’s log, beerdate 8.23.2012

Start: Peter Pan bus terminal parking lot.

cockmonkey (hare)
Big Piles
Anticock with a K, Yankees Suck
Tasty Topple
Suckit Wrench
Just Nick
i’m always soft

For something different cockmonkey decided to be adventurous and do an 100% live trail.  Ok, maybe it was because we weren’t going to have any super fast r*nners present, but that’s besides the point.  We had a surprise visitor, Just Nick!  Sadly he won’t be in town for long, on his way out of state, BUT he should be back around the major holidays so we totally need to do trails then (I recommend that he send out a feeler email to the lists to prompt us to lay trail).

The trail started off uphill behind Osaka’s in a fragrant beginning for trail, only to then turn at Herrell’s (sorry not through Herrell’s).  From there cockmonkey took the trail away from the center of trail, with a bit of accidental veering on powder (rather than actual turning on powder).  The first beer check was also behind a restaurant, however less stinky than the earlier foray.  Not only was it behind a restaurant, but it was at i’m always soft’s apartment!  Surprise!  The pack grew by one as i’m always soft joined us now that he was out of work.  We had a bit of a wait for everyone to get to the check, as Piles was lost on trail back at the Herrell’s turn.  Once Piles arrived cockmonkey went off to continue trail.

From there the trail continued to explore the parking lots of Northampton, as well as a tour of the Noho homeless row.  At a song check the pack stopped for a photo opportunity once they noticed  some graffiti saying “Fuck Pigs” which Anticock took with his phone and stopped to send to Piggy.  And that was the point that Anticock lost the pack, he played with his technology and when he looked up the pack was out of sight.

Whilst the pack followed the trail through its turns and road crossings, Anticock meandered until he found some marks and followed them.  Believing he was going the correct way he asks some people hanging out at a check to tell the pack that the trail went a different direction than he was heading, to which they replied that the pack already had been through and heading the opposite direction of him!  Meanwhile the pack was making its way to the beer check and eventually arriving to the where cockmonkey waited with the beer behind the Forbes Library (“B” also stands for Books!).

After we had all finished our beer we realized that Anticock was probably not making it to the check and was probably in fact at the start point.  So the hare went off to lay the last little bit of trail to the end, down a delightfully steep trail in darkness, across the street, down three floors of stairs on an apartment building, and we were there at the start point.

Since the RA was present, he actually got to lead circle.  Sort of.  It required some prompting since it’d been awhile.  cockmonkey did quite a bit of prompting, but didn’t try to get a fire drill going.

Anticock and cockmonkey were each nominated for the hash shit, but Anticock won it.  THEN he broke the awesome “Honk if your Horny” bike horn that cockmonkey had JUST added to the hash shit, so the pack has also nominated him for the hash shit for next trail as well.  cockmonkey is attempting to figure out a way to attach the squeaker bulb from the horn on to the hash shit as is.

We need someone for next trail, it may be time to move to weekends.  There is a request however for a trail this Thursday, August 30.

TRAIL REQUEST: There is a request for a HVH3 Trail next week on August 30th, with a whole bunch of CVNTs coming down if we have one.  Any volunteers?

CVNTS Trail – Sunday August 16th, 1PM Start, Harris Hill Ski Jump.  Let Vomit know if you’re heading out.


cockmonkey’s log, beerdate 9.23.2012

Location: Amherst Amtrack Station

cockmonkey (hare)
Suckit Wrench
Just Seth
Just Francis
Just Megan

Anyone notice something wrong with this?  Lots of “Justs” back for their first trail in MONTHS and so few regulars.  Shame on you lazy wankers.

Now Tasty Topple WAS going to be at the trail, but apparently she got into a family “cleaning groove”… is that a new euphemism for wild monkey sex?  Anticock with a K was also absent, but was incommunication with the list just the previous day about having run into Tasty Topple and Just Dan in Northampton the prior evening.

The trail was a dead lay, b/c it was a Sunday and the hare didn’t feel like staying ahead of the pack.  Shit happens.  The trail was a lovely tour of Amherst, starting by going into Amherst College to a back check sending the pack back to Rt. 9 and down the hill.  Sadly, unlike the Zombie Jesus Trail, there were no frat parties offering beer to thirsty hashers happening by, but there was beer… well hidden beer.  Well enough hidden that even though the hare was the last to the BN mark she was the one to whip it out.

By the way, anyone else know Narraganset made a Fall brew?  I sure as shit didn’t.  But they do!  So we drank our seasonal ‘ganset on the dead train tracks enjoying a beautiful fall day.

And then to the fun part of the trail.  Once we got past the underbrush as we cut from the tracks across someone’s yard to the street, trail twisted and turned through Amherst, but did NOT lead to a check at the CVS parking lot.  No, instead it actually went to Amherest College grounds, where we enjoyed some pumpkin brews.  There the sage-like hare answered questions about how hash names worked, and amusing stories were exchanged.  In case anyone was wondering some possible ammunition include Just Seth’s email address is “naturenut69” (also, from on-after we learned that he has variously acquired the nickname of “Green Man Cheddar”) and Just Megan has the high honor of knocking over 12 brand-spanking-new motorcycles at a dealership (Toppling Crotch Rockets?), and don’t forget the first time Just Megan and Just Francis came hashing they claimed to have names!

How one would go about laying their first trail also came up in discussion, and let me tell you, we had a pack of Justs eager for their first lay.  There’s also interest in some sort of Halloween hash, and it occurred to some of us that someone hasn’t done his fall lingerie/we’re all really showing up just for the hot tub trail… So if that isn’t subtle enough, Anticock, want to lay a trail in Wendel say on Saturday, November 3rd (right after Halloween, so close enough to still warrant costumes)?

Once we got back to start circle was nice and lazy.  Course there was really only one person who knew any of the songs, so that was probably part of it.  Of note there was drinking for back sliding and for dorky techie running shoes.  No one drank for the hash shit because it WASN’T THERE!

No hare determined for the next trail, so someone should volunteer to lay it (on a Sunday please, my Saturdays are eaten by other people’s weddings this month).


cockmonkey’s log, beerdate 10.7.12

Start Point: 150 Fear St, Amherst MA

cockmonkey (hare)
Suckit Wrench
Just Mike
Tasty Topple
Big Piles
Vomit Sutra (CVNT)
Just Heather (CVNT)
Just Tim (CVNT)
Virgin Andrew

For a day that started out cloudy and windy, it was rather nice by the time trail started, if still overcast.  Shockingly the pack was largely on time.  We will say nothing of the hare not arriving before 3, but close enough to pretend she was there by 3.

Trail was to be live, cockmonkey decided to be risky and see if she could stay ahead of the pack (and hope that the pack wouldn’t go all out to catch her).  Chalk talk was short, mostly standard except for one particular, BN was for BEVERAGE Near, not beer, as the alcohol was not guaranteed to be beer.

Towards the UMass campus the trail went, past student housing and those poor souls who live in houses surrounded by student housing.  Then to the mud and the thorns!  As this was a campus/urban trail all the shiggy we could want was condensed into about a 10 foot stretch (that Big Piles simply routed around) that qualifies as one of cockmonkeys not so bright ideas (at the time I figured “Oh hey, this is looks really short and a good place for trail” which soon turned into “Well shit, I wish I had included YBF in the chalk talk”).  Good thing everyone knows not to wear new shoes on trail!

The variously mud-splattered and thorn-scratched pack eventually approached the BN, but Big Piles forgot chalk talk and yelled out “Beer Near!”  There was no BEER at this check, instead they were greeted by an also muddy and scratched hare drinking spiked coffee.  Coffee with Kahlua (or an off-brand version of it anyway) was the drink of choice at this check, nice and warm in honor of the cold day.  Whilst the pack imbibed their brew the soggy hare made her way with the flour towards more water, but hopefully not through it!

Turns out Umass is doing some crazy building right now, which threw in a few surprises as large sections of sidewalks, accesses to buildings, and even the rare open space, are not cut off from access (well, unless you want to pole vault a fence).  Even so there was still opportunity to meander through the duck pond (via bridge and island) and run around in a circle jerk.  And it was the virgin’s time to shine, Virgin Andrew found the beer check (though missed the BN) that the hare was enjoying a Long Trail at.

It wasn’t far from the second beer check to the end point, just a well placed acoustic sound check, and a meander through the maze that is Southwest.  FRB was Just Mike, FBI was Just Heather, and DFL was a tie between Big Piles and Suckit Wrench.

As Just Heather was driving, Vomit Sutra was nominated as her Proxy.  It was mentioned that the Woodchuck Pumpkin has a really odd aftertaste, that it is slightly flavored like vomit.  Cockmonkey licked Vomit Sutra, and declared that they taste nothing at all the alike.

Circle was RA’ed by Big Piles, and first things first, VIRGIN!  Vomit Sutra made Virgin Andrew come, so we pulled him in circle to be an upstanding example.  We questioned to test Virgin Andrew’s mental agility and morals.  None of his answers were correct, but were definitely entertaining to the pack.  “Pussy?” was his guess at “All you can eat for under a buck,” which at least indicates he was thinking in the right direction.  For the square root of 69, he answered “7-8-9?” and finally for the bus full of homosexuals he said if they were lesbians he would definitely enjoy getting off.

Tech in circle went to Tasty Topple, and then Just Tim joined her for failing at starting the song he volunteered for.  After much stumbling he started us off in Jesus Saves.  Vomit, Suckit, and cockmonkey got Blood on Trail, and then Piles, Vomit, Just Tim, Just Mike, and Pornstarboard were brought in for having Clean Shoes (fitting considering the thorns and mud trail went through).  We had a lot of clothing violations; Just Tim and Just Heather were nailed with Racist Behavior for brazenly wearing clothing advertising racist gatherings – even if they were mud filled ones, Suckit Wrench and Tasty Topple then got matching hash attire, Big Piles self accused for kilt owners not wearing their kilts (but of course when one kilt drinks, all kilts drink), and then finally lack of hash attire for hashers who have been to more than four trails went to Just Tim.

Then it was brought up that Vomit Sutra had been very sneaky, in fact it had gone mostly unnoticed some how, but he had left circle to urinate!  He was hailed into circle for it, but had to run and take care of it once again (now we know why he wears a kilt!).  Finishing circle up we hit Pornstarboard and Just Mike with backsliding, and then to our glee, got Just Mike for cranium gear in circle.  The final down-down was for Just Andrew (virgin no more) for bringing a spatula to hash, with Vomit brought in for instructing Just Andrew to bring said spatula.

NEXT TRAIL: Sunday, October 14.  Somewhere in Palmer, MA.  It’s a DOUBLE Virgin Lay!  Pornstarboard and Just Mike will be providing us with a trail.  Normally we don’t approve of unsupervised virgin lays, but Pornstarboard gets around, so we’re letting them try.

We have all been advised that we should look for naked pictures of Pornstarboard online!  And on that note HashSpace names can be changed, so if you’re stuck un-named but a regular hasher it seems arrangements can be made without you being stuck with a “Just” profile.

There will be a Black Friday Hash.  Guess when?  Look it up, Albany and 413.

Possibility of a CVNT Halloween trail, ending with crashing Jenny Cougar Melon Can’s big annual Halloween party.  But no promises yet.

Also, no shirts yet.  We must all look disapprovingly at Big Piles about this (and not at me any more, its been months since its been my responsibility)