Hash Trash from 2011

#243 | Zombie Jesus Trail #2

cockmonkey’s Log, beerdate 4.23.11

As the winter melts into warm sunny days, we gathered together on a grey rainy day to get drunk and search for easter eggs, starting the new Happy Valley Hashing Season.

In attendance:
cockmonkey (hare)
Suckit Wrench (hare)
Big Piles
Down Down Dog
Just Courtney
Just Miseph
Jimmy Crack Whore
Willy Wanker (Halve Mein)
Tap That Teacher (New Haven)
Cooter Shooter (New Haven)
Virgin Francis
Virgin Kelly

The trail started at the classic Zombie Jesus origin point, the Amtrack station in Amherst.  The two hares’ plan to prelay parts of the trail for a pleasant convoluted trail.  The weather had other ideas, and much of the pack showed up in gear that showed them to be that odd breed that may frequently r*n WITHOUT beer!

Unlike last year, we did not have twice the number of responses show up to the trail, so there was plenty of beer.  Even better, Anticock showed up with the hash shit, so that the trail treasure acquired last November was finally bestowed where it belonged.

After chalk talk and explaining the easter egg hunt, the hares skittered away hoping to dash far enough ahead to escape the faster pack.  Through the woods of Amherst College the trail went, through deep stream bed, down railroad tracks, to the first beer check.  Whilst the two growlers were breeched to the thirsty pack, the hares took off once again, this time taking the pack through the tennis courts, up suicide hill, through the center of Amherst.  However near the second beer check disaster struck when cockmonkey had a spontaneous hash crash, spraining her ankle.  The hares managed to make it to the beer check before the pack caught them, however it was determined that cockmonkey could not finish the trail.  Suckit Wrench took off on a mad dash for the end point, while the pack finished their beer, and some shockingly spoke of racist behavior!  Once the pack took off, cockmonkey followed in the vehicle that the beer check was hidden in, to reach the end point for circle.

Some of the pack arrived shortly after both hares, some a little longer, and a few of them took a startling long time.  Unfortuantely there was a slight miscommunication, and we lost a hasher to the On-After, where they expected circle to be held.  The last hashers who arrived for circle took their time, due to extra “beer checks” they added to the trail.

During circle it was discovered that while in previous years there was a complaint of too many eggs, this year the number of eggs had been reduced to too few.  However prizes were distributed, for FBI, FRB, DFL, for finding the special eggs, and last of all, for costume.  Costume went ultimately to Willy Wanker for the return of hashing Jesus, earning him a pack of tuxedo condoms.  Circle took a long time.  By the time it finished over half the pack had earned themselves a down-down for leaving the circle to urinate.  Ultimately the hash shit was awarded to Just Miseph, for some reason, possibly real or possibly made up.  The virgins were demented and introduced to hash religion, and the pack left to go their ways, and to the On-After at the ABC (to consume excellent beer and fried pickles).

Anticock volunteered to hare the next trail, possibly on Thursday, May 5th, the day before Red Dress, or possibly on the following Thursday.  Beer interfered with forming a strong census.

#244 | Graduation Hash

The trail that almost wasn’t
Wherein we learn that cockmonkey can’t count.

The day dawned damp and cloudy, but there was hope for a trail was to be laid that evening.  So happy was our hare of the day.  But then disaster struck, the rain came down and the pack started calling out, one by one.  Finally the only pack remained was Anticock and Suckit (who to be honest didn’t really have a choice about his attendance) and the hare was forced to realize that perhaps the trail would not happen.  Dejectedly the word was sent out that there would be no trail.  Then lo and behold, with less than 4 hours to go, messages starting appearing about attendance of MORE hashers.  First it was the virgin who was responsible in absencia for the presence of TWO virgins at the Zombie Jesus trail, with her returnee from same trail.  Then was Jimmy Crack Whore announcing that he too would be cumming.

Suddenly, we had a pack again.  So again the trail was back on!  Huzzah.

Trail started at new location (well, new for a start point anyway), at the corner of SouthWest.  While waiting to start the virgin was introduced the the celebration cry of “FLUTTER’S GAY” and was given the chance by Anticock to ask Flutter himself if he was gay, and admirably rose to the opportunity.

Present for trail:
cockmonkey – hare
Suckit Wrench
Jimmy Crack Whore
Virgin Megan
Just Francis

Since it was a small pack cockmonkey decided to pre-lay and run along with the back of the pack.  The theme of the trail was graduation, as it was once again that time of year.  Present were commemorative dollar store 2011 necklaces, graduation robes, and formal wear.  Unfortunately the trail was forced to detour from original plans do to massive asbestos removal operations going on in the South West dorm area, but still it wound its way through Umass.  The trail featured two scenic beer checks in virgin trail territory (well, as much as ANY area of Umass can be referred to as virgin), ducks, women’s lacross, and run by’s of places of previous and current employment for Happy Valley Hashers.  The virgin was also introduced to the joy that is Jesus Saves.

Circle, despite a vow by Jimmy was quite short.  There was no hash shit to be had since Just Miseph was in Virginia.  The virgin was demented.  Infractions were created.  Beer was had.  Sadly no one was able to make the on-after.

Photos feature shots from beer checks, Pile’s work place, and evidence that I can’t keep track of numbers.

Next trail is set for June 9th in Wendell, and the following trail on June 16th in the Amherstish area


Some sights on trail



I swear it says 244 not 243!


cockmonkey’s log, beer date 6/16

The Happy Valley Hashers (and friends) met for the 6/9 hash in classic timely hasher fashion a week late.  Perhaps it is a little later than normal, but at least it got us back on schedule and hell raining down from the sky.

Anticock (hare)
Suckit Wrench
Jimmy Crack Whore
Super Chicken
Just Miseph
Big Piles

The hashers gathered in the woods of Wendell land on the shores of Fiske pond, and soon learned that this meant there was non-hasher nudity!  Most of the pack arrived and loitered before the hare, including some introduction to the wildlife (ticks).

The trail started with the instructions to ignore any signs of property lines and trespassing, with the assurance that we would not be shot at by irate locals.  The trail was prelaid, so the hare held back to wait for Piles since he was expected but not yet present.

So the pack headed off down the road after seeing the first mark.  Then further and further until we finally found a second.  Then we headed down between sparse marks in search of checks.  And kept going.  And going.  Finally we found a turn off at a no trespassing sign, marked with a large chalky arrow.

Now came the shitty part of the trail.  Truly shitty.  I mean we’re talking large piles of shit and from many different sources!  Forget the straight and narrow path, this was long, bumpy and riddled with horse-laid booby-traps.  Our intrepid scribble was perhaps a little behind the pack at this point, but followed the trail to its logical conclusion.  The beer check.

The beer check was filled with mosquitos and brought the presence of Piles.  Huzzah!  The pack took off before our faithful scribe was finished with her beverge, so quickly took the lead.  Piles and cockmonkey headed out after them once free of beer, but soon heard the rumblings of an encroaching truck driven by the hare.  Gratuitous showing of Piles’ shapely thigh convinced the hare to pull over for some disreputable hitchhikers, dropping them off near Lake Wyola, where the path once again would enter the woods.

The short-cutting scoundrels took off and managed to stay in the lead of the pack arriving first once again at the pond where they were met by the site of Anticock bearing beer and baring ass crack (which, by the way, mosquitoes loved).  Once all were present we took refuge from the blood sucking swarm and went to Anticock’s for circle, food, and hot tub.

For some reason cockmonkey presided over the circle.  We are still trying to figure out the wisdom of this, but it happened none the less.  There were accusations, drinking of some excellent brews, and song.  AND, a naming.  Since the next trail to be laid was scheduled to be a virgin lay by an unnamed hasher.

So Just Miseph was brought into the circle, but before suggestions could come forth the fateful words came out of his mouth after hearing Anticock mangle the pronunciation of his given name, “its all soft vowls.”  Well, good thing we were already planning on naming him.  So suggestions that were brought out included Heterosexual Twink, Helicopter Dick, It’s Always Soft (and variations thereof).  Ultimately, despite his protests that we could in fact come up with a far more offensive name, and we probably could, but we were drunk and lazy and not known for sound decision making, Just Miseph was christened “I’m Always Soft.”

The circle was closed, some absconded, food was offered, and ultimately many of us made it into the hot tub.  Some of us probably stayed a bit too long in the hot tub, but that is another story.


Trail #246- I’m always soft’s virgin lay.  6/30, starting at the parking lot for the Noho unemployment office and VA hospice., 6:30 hst.

Trail #247 – Big Piles Memorial Hash Crash Bash.  Let us know if your cumming!  If you’d like a hash tag with emergency medial information please supply your hash name/nerd name/HMO/emergency contact/latex allergy/favorite lube.  If you don’t want to share that info cum anyway, it should be a good time (as long as no one breaks their neck again).


Hash Date: 30JUN11 – 1830HRS

Location of SP, Industrial Drive, Northampton, People’s Proletariat Soviet Socialist Republic of Taxachusetts.

a.k.a. I’m Always Soft’s virgin lay, co-Hared with Cock Monkey!

The Happy Valley Pack: Suck It Wrench, Big Piles, Cajonas, Anticoch.

Perennial Visitor Extraordinaire: Counterfeit Dick of the 413 / Da Pitts Hash

The Pack gathered at the pre-anointed time and place specified by the Virgin Hare and his cohort. We did not espy the extra virgin hare as he was off laying beer checks or some such s#it, and left the chalk talk to Cock Monkey. She explained the marks and said it was an A to A hash. She did let slip something about Smith College, at which points murmurs of “Never Leave Camp” emanated from the pack. There was an enviable assemblage of hash marks explained and such, then the co-hare was off into the setting sun.

The remaining pack went over some new takes on Hash Hymnal items trying to get ready for the BP Crash Hash cumming up on July 14th. Then we wuz off in pursuit of the beer.

We followed trail across the railroad tracks, kind of behind Koll Morgen, and then we trapsed over towards King Street. We crossed over and zig-zagged along, sometimes finding trail and other times being stymied by the hares not mentioning trail could turn on powder, kind of like a Cajun trail would, but eventually true trail was found. Another clusterf#ck ensued around the Stop & Shop, but trail was discovered and behind a moat behind Stop & Shop we found the FRBs, Cajonas and Counterfeit Dick along with the hares ready to dole out cups of Opa Opa Rasperry Wheat Ale.

Soon enough we recommensed the trail giving the hares barely 3-4 minutes cranium start. Trail meandered towards the Smith College Campus with nice views of the sun setting on the Holyoke Range. The next beer check turned out to be at I’m Always Soft’s girlfriend’s apartment house, but not before the hare was snagged by Counterfeit Dick, or was that by Suck It Wrench? I don’t recall, we wuz after all drinkin’ – Lemme axe you a question – Do you Like drinkin? – Shure Ya do, ahem, where wuz we?

Oh Yes, sitting on the back porch or the hare’s girlfriend’s house drinking Opa Opa Blueberry Ale. (Oh yeah, so that’s why I’ve had the shits all day) Trail then snaked around and over towards King Street and a Tit Check by an underpass, by a lingerie store of adult novelty place. Trail then went back to the SP.

At the circle: Not in this order, but this shit really happened, Cock Monkey twisted her ankle some where along the way, so instead of icing down the hare we iced down Cock Monkey’s ankle. We did however have enough ice to pack the hare’s shorts with cubes. He was then forced to endure some shitty rendition of a song called, “What A Miserable Lay” – But what the heck, He’s Always Soft anyways.

There were a bunch of accusations and such, but I didn’t write them down and the regular Scribe was a co-hare, so whatever. Cock Monkey got awarded the Hashit.

Next Hash, is the Big Piles Crash Hash, which will actually be a Crash Hash Bash on July 14th to start at the old Comcast building parking lot near Valley Medical on Rte 9 in Amherst.

The Hurlington Interhash is cumming up. The Pack axed me if I could do another Cave hash near Albany / Halve Mein land, so I’ll try and coordinate with the HMs and see what date we can cum up with.

The On In was held at Packard’s. The assembled masses leaving there about 12:30 a.m.

I swear this has been the truth, the whole truth and nothing but lies, ahem, the truth, so Help Me Gispert!

Anti-Coch, with a  ‘CH’ – Yankees are in First Place, so Fuck You You Fucking Fucks!

cockmonkey’s notes: I’m not sure where Anticock got some of this from (like the spelling of his name, claims of blueberry ale, etc)

#247 | Big Piles Memorial Hash Crash Bash

cockmonkey’s log, beerdate 7.14.2011

Suckit Wrench (hare)
Big Piles
Jimmy Crack Whore
Counterfit Dick
i’m always soft

Not present due to medication: Anticock

Chalk talk was what could be expected when you have a pack setting up bicycles that they likely haven’t been on since last year’s trail, and then the hare was off.


There was no prelube/downdown beer.  There was a list of reasons that could have been pulled out, but of course it was ultimately blamed on the hare.  i’m always soft came to the rescue and swung to the nearest liquor store to pick up some quality (cheap, warm) beer.

Now with bicycles adjusted and primed with beer, the pack was off.  WHEEEEEEE!

And there was beer!  At the site of the crash that sent Piles to the hospital a year past.  From there the trail went through shiggy, sand, and shitty pavement, reuniting with the Rail Trail.  The pack shot past the second beer check when the cajun trail turned to a faint foot path to the side, but it was only a short detour and soon we all enjoyed our beverage.

The bike path then continued down the bike path into Belchertown, ending at a formidible hill, that most of us lazy bastards walked up.  Kudos to the hare for actually riding up the hill on a one-speed BMX.  However at the top of the hill was the down hill portion of the trail.

Unfortunately the downhill eventually ended, and we were back on the straightaway of the Rail Trail.  And shortly before getting off the straightaway, the hare was snared by Counterfit Dick.  The front-riders of the pack enjoyed some cigarettes while watching the local fauna (bird watching lesbians).

Somewhere on the downhill the hare began to run out of flour.  And began leaving these strange long white swipes of chalk as he rode.  Once we got off the rail trail and onto foot paths marks became even fainter, until the entire pack ended up making its own way in different directions back to the start.

We eventually realized that there may have been a third beer check, as the entire pack zenned various ways back to the start.  At that point we decided we were already at the end and drinking beer, so we’d wait a little longer.  Fortunately before we felt the need to actually go searching for the missing hare he peddled his way in with a half empty growler from the third check.

At first vote it seemed the hare might escape getting the hash shit, but it was decided there were so many nominations that perhaps we needed to vote on each infraction separately, so that while on any one vote he may have not gotten the loudest vote, cumulatively he definitely won.


cockmonkey’s log, beerdate 7.28.11

Big Piles (hare)
Pig Fucker
Counterfit Dick
Full Service
Tub Slut
Suckit Wrench

Yay trail.  Yay not torrential down pour on a Piles Umass trail!  Yay!

There were lots of visitors.  In fact the visitors out numbered the home hashers.  So all of you HVH3 wankers who didn’t show are lame.  We had a hasher from Florida so really there’s no excuse.  Well maybe an orgy would be an acceptable excuse.

Hash trash was done on some lovely pristine black top, previously unsullied by hasher tutorials.  Obviously we’ve been slacking.

Trail went off towards shiggy and stray bunnies.  And even better for some of us slow wankers who may have done some zenning, massive black berry patches (fortunately easy to skirt around).

The back of the pack came to a check with no chalk in any direction, but fortunately the front of the pack knew exactly where to be.  Signaling from the tit check across the road behind the elementary school (since the tits were all at the back of the pack).  From there it was just a long uphill detour to the first beer check.

From the first check trail led to a false and then into a field, eventually leading the happy pack to another tit check, where nip was flashed and likely made some random student in the basketball court quite happy and confused.  The trail to the second beer check led to some zenning by a few through the nice new (air conditioned) science building, and finally resulted in a nice secluded beer check.

The final leg had a some of the pack making a guess as to where the trail would go when a check didn’t seem to work right.  Turns out the three (Suckit, cockmonkey, & Piggie) were wrong, but eventually they got back on the trail, even if it was near the end…

And then more beer was drunk, and circle was had, infractions were made up.  The hash shit went to Cajonas, cause for the first time in years we could actually award it to him since he wasn’t around for just that weekend.

Hare is still needed for next trail!Also, check your spam filters since it seems that people are having trouble getting mailing list messages.Hares should send out trail announcements to other lists as well (like Albany).


cockmonkey’s log, beerdate 8.11.2011

The following contains an unreliable account of the last trail, particularly of the attendance list which may or may not have gone through the laundry.  List of names mostly supplied by Anticock with some fill in from my spotty beer logged memory.I would like to say for the record that for all his enthusiasm, and dare I say pride, in awarding “i’m always soft” to the hasher formerly known as Miseph, Anticock seems to never be capable of bringing himself to say or even type the name.

Big Piles

Counterfeit Dick
Pussy Factory
Jimmy Crack Whore
I Eat Cum
Grab Bag from the Reading H3, former GM of the Jersey Gypsies
Anticock (hare)
Suckit Wrench
i’m always soft.
Virgin / Just Ellen
Virgin / Just Brian     EDIT: AKA Virgin Ryan
Virgin / Just Sean     EDIT: AKA Virgin John
Virgin / Just Duff
Just _________ (I can’t remember your name, but I remember that you apparently have come all over the place and oft bring virgins… I’m sure I’m just a few beers short).      EDIT: Just KristenThere were a lot of people.  Even better, there were multiple creatures that are known as hariettes!  Three cheers for tits.

In consideration for the Harp’s kitchen hours trail started pretty close to on time, after I’m sure a very careful chalk talk by Anticock.  No way ANY marks would be left out of a chalk talk by such a diligent hare, especially with FOUR virgins, and some wankers new to the Happy Valley, plus I Eat Cum who’s known for creating his own trail when it suits.

However all of this is hearsay, since the noble scribe arrived to the trail late.  However, in this case late was just bout right, not too early, not really too late, for the hare had included a back check to SP.  Not really sure what SP was as none of us saw these arcane marks in the chalk talk, but with in a brief wait the entire back made its way to the start point for the first beer check.

Turns out this was to be the trail of many beer checks, and some wandering.  Some of us may have missed a check or two and still managed to be present at three.  We even were graced with some Jack Daniels at one check.

At long last we gathered at the Harp, ordered food, than circled up.  We warmly welcomed the virgins, punished the slacking, and drank for everything.

Most importantly however is the announcement of the next trail, which will be THURSDAY, AUGUST 25th, starting in the big parking lot attached to the Peter Pan bus station.

This will be the 250th running of the Happy Valley Hash House Harriers, and there was some noise being made about dressing in clothing appropriate to King George’s court (or that of his courtesans).  Hare is Anticock.  Hope to see you wankers there.



cockmonkey’s log, beerdate 9.8.2011

Suckit Wrench (hare)
Just Francis
Just Dan

Hey!  It wasn’t raining!

Also none of you wankers showed up.  But its OK, we drank the beer without you.

Suckit took off laying trail on his bmx bike, so we knew we were not giving him much of a head start.  Don’t worry, we made him drink for it.

First part of trail was on assfault, where we encountered some very fast rodents, and some safety conscious walkers.  If you are curious, we would be much safer if we wore bright reflective colors, but I don’t think any of us care.

We split a growler between the four of us at the buggy beer check before continuing.

Soon the trail entered into the realm of shiggy just nicely timed as it started getting rather dark out.  Flour fortunately stands out quite nicely in twilight.  Perhaps the most exciting point is when following the trail, we encountered the hare coming back towards us.  Turns out he had made a wrong turn in the dark and had to massively back track.  Yes, we made him drink for that.

The proper path for the trail involved water.  Lots of water.  75% of the hashers ended up with water filled shoes, including the hare.  Much of the water entered shoes during the search for the second beer check, before we discovered that we had been thwarted by hooligans.  Yes, I said thwarted.  Some persons unknown had found the beer check (perhaps curious what the bright yellow bag contained…) and made off with the beer.  They did however leave us the bag and the cups…

Then it was a collective adventure to the end point, with a side detour to play on small tricycles strewn about Rolling Green’s parking lot, where we held circle which was very brief in large part because cockmonkey was the only one who remembered many (relative to others present only) songs.  The hash shit was not awarded because it wasn’t there.

We need a hare for the next trail, tentatively Thursday Sept 22, or on Saturday the 24th if we want to make the switch to weekends.


cockmonkey’s log, beerdate ????

Trail started with the hare scurrying back to the start point after laying the beer, but it turned out there was no worry for no one was on time.  In case anyone was wondering, the trail was to start at 1:30, rather than 2 or even 2:30 when everyone else seemed to be aiming to show up for.  Fortunately trail was scheduled for 1:30 start and not 2 or 2:30 or perhaps trail might have not started until 3:30 and then we would have not been able to proceed to phase 2.

Eventually Present
cockmonkey (hare)
Suckit Wrench
Big Piles
Pussy Factory
Counterfit Dick
Super Chicken
Jimmy Crack Whore

The weather was absolutely gorgeous.  The sun was shining with fluffy white clouds present.

At least at first.

Turns out it was all a ruse.  While our hare was waiting at the first beer check a few  rain drops hit.  Then the faucet was turned on full.  A moment later Counterfit Dick appeared and was hailed by the hare from the slight shelter of the beer check.

While enjoying some brew we wondered where the pack was.  But we were not left waiting for long, as the front of cockmonkey’s kilt began vibrating (excellent place for a pocket imho).  Who was calling?  Not some clueless mundane or well-meaning relative, NO, it was Anticock informing me that all of the supposedly prelaid chalk marks to indicate a beer check must have been washed away because they simply didn’t see any.

The reason he didn’t see any was there was no Beer markings was that they were at the wrong beer check after deciding to explore a whim and go off in their own direction rather than follow the trail, and were at the second beer check.  Offers of directions to the first beer check were turned down, stating that everyone was already there and that it was raining hard.  Of course the beer was locked in the car at the beer check.

So cockmonkey dashed ahead to try and keep ahead of Counterfit, the challenge difficulty increased by the rain having washed out a carefully prelaid loop intended to allow the hare to get ahead of the faster wankers.  Miraculously the hare managed to not get snared, and arrived to libate the pack.

By now the downpour had basically stopped.  In fact, we could see the sun again.  The pack made their way to the start point, with Counterfit ending up getting completely off track and ultimately coming back from the start path.

There was circle and drinking and awarding of the hash shit.

Jimmy supposedly is laying a trail this Saturday.

Then we went to ABC to wish Handjob? a happy birthday.  And there was more beer.


cockmonkey’s log, beerdate 12.18.11

Hey, a month ago we had a trail.  Guess who never did a write up about it!  Course we haven’t had a trail since then, but the not-actually-a-hash-but-we’re-

pretending-it-is trail tomorrow sort of made me realize I should actually type this up.Maybe some day they’ll actually be on our website!  EDIT: AND NOW IT IS!!!Present (well, Past now):
Counterfit Dick
Suckit Wrench
Virgin Alyssa (YAY!)
Pig Fucker
Army of Darkwhores
Big Piles (aka Whoops, Fuck, Shit, Ow, MEDIC!)
Canis Lickus (holy fuck, Canis was at a Happy Valley trail?)
Anticock with a K, Yankees Suck
La-La (woof)

So.  It was a little bit cold.  Not freezing, just enough to make your nose run really nicely, and to make you consider if you REALLY wanted to wear that kilt or not.  We had the return of a long lost Happy Valley hasher.  We had visitors.  We had a long time stalker virgin!

Somewhere (I believe on Suckit’s phone) we have a photo of the chalk talk.  It was informative and educational.  It included a 69 check.  Which was like any other check, but if we were inspired, we were encouraged to go with it.  I’m still not sure how this is different from any other check.

The trail was long and winding.  With cute circle jerks, and some nice long arcs that us slow fuckers could catch up to the pack on.  Perhaps best of all was the pack laid song check in the tunnel.  Shame on Piles for not laying one there himself.  The acoustics (and Piggys sack of balls) were just too perfect to pass up.  Tennis ball hackey sack is not impossible, if you were curious.

Then the first beer check.  There was beer, stories, beer, song, beer, and where the hell are Anticock and Suckit, oh hey did I mention beer?

So we finished up the beer, left Piggy’s balls, and went off looking for more beverage.  Turns out Anticock and Suckit missed the check all together and were waiting (shivering) at the second beer check.  Did I mention that it was a bit cold?  So was the beer, but that was alright.

Eventually we decided it was time to actually finish the trail.  Which was done with maybe not all of us following the trail.  BUT we all got there for the ever important circle.  We had all sorts of infractions, and some virgin dementing.  Canis had offered to act as surrogate sponsor for the virgin at the beginning of the trail… but by the end had run off into the sunset for some quality time with Piggy where they exchanged caresses and carelessly left stubble burn… well maybe that didn’t happen quite like that.  Either way, drinking occurred.  Virgin was demented.  The hashshit was awarded.  Hooray!

Hope to see many of you in oh, about 12 hours at the Moan and Dove to investigate/corrupt/recruit the Pioneer Beer Runners.