Hash Trash from 2009

#219 | Zombie Jesus Hash #1

Yes, the HVH3 is still alive and kicking!  Here for your reading enjoyment is a pseudo hash trash dredged from my steel-trap memory.

HVH3 #219, “Zombie Jesus Day Hash”, or “Want some candy, little girl?”
April 11, 2009
Hare:  Cock Monkey
Pack, that I remember:  Cajonas, Baton Moche (newcummer), Just Robbie, Jimmy Crack Whore, Burning Bush, yours truly, and visitors Counterfeit Dick, Friar F#ck, and Friar’s hash hound Shitty Trail.  Seems like I’m forgetting someone, but maybe that was it.

The pack assembled at the Amherst Amtrak station at 14:00 HST, with a little coercion.  I had to give Burning Bush phone sex to make her cum.  The hare did a chalk talk which explained most of the marks we found on trail, including plastic Easter eggs.

We did a rather lackluster version of Father Birmingham to warm up, and then the chase was on.  Trail went through assorted parts of downtown Amherst and the Amherst College campus, and we found assorted goodies inside the plastic Easter eggs.  It was mostly candy, but at least one sample of peaches and cream flavor warming lube turned up.  The hare claimed there were several eggs with condoms in them, but we didn’t find any, so we figured the local kindergarten kids got to them before us.  I can picture the scene at some random homes later in the day… “What’s this mommy?”

The first beer check was briefly interrupted with the sighting of an officer of the law, but beers were successfully hidden and he passed us by with nothing more than a suspicious gaze.  The second beer check was more secluded, and featured the obvious song of the day, “Free Beer for All the Hashers”, which I managed to screw up just as much as all the other songs I couldn’t remember all day.  Hey, it’s been a while, what can I say?

Arriving back at the Amtrak station, we waited briefly for the train and assorted sensitive ears to depart, and we moved a little deeper into the inky shadows for circle.  Baton Moche bailed out before circle, so we’ll have to abuse him for that next time.  The usual down-downs were awarded for various deeds, and although it seemed silly to call anyone out for backsliding under the circumstances (not having a hash run since Anti-Cock’s sledding hash in February), Cajonas volunteered himself since he was measuring in years instead of months.  The hash shit went to yours truly for an assortment of violations, errors of omission, and misdeeds, such as not arranging a hash run since Anti-cock’s sledding hash in February, or for about four months before that.  The vote might have been closer if I had remembered to remove my cranium gear in my own circle.  Dammit.

The on-after was at ABC, where I recommend the Wedding Witte.  Quite tasty, IMHO.

Disrespectfully submitted,

-Big Piles


cockmonkey’s log; beerdate 7-23-09

Haring the trail was Anticock suffering from PBR induced hallucinations.  From his journal:
“Trail was practically impassable at times.  Vertical climbs, sheer cliffs and impenetrable jungle-like vegetation.  We could hear the hare calling over the counter rotating helicopter blades.  At times, he would law down cover fire from the mounted .50 caliber gun, to ward off the zombie horde.  To calm ourselves, we would sing sea chantys, and huddle together for wormth in the chilly 30 degree twilight…

Fucking PBR…”

In his delusional wanderings he laid a ‘cajun’ trail.  Any mark was on.  Thankfully he had the foresight to turn off the electric fence.

The pack consisted of a motley crew from various sordid locations.
From Happy Valley: Big Piles, Gagreflex, cockmonkey
From Da Pitts: Counterfit Dick
From Halvemein: Pig Fucker, DeciBelle

supposedly there was a Laurel but I have no clue who that was.

In attendance for circle and festivities was Tub Slut once he finished his rendezvous with the llama.

cockmonkey was awarded the hash shit for not bringing Just Rachel to the trail, and was informed that the pack will in fact finance Rachel’s breasts if hash cash is the issue.
Caviat:  Just Rachel has been informed that her breasts are financeable.

In the hot tub we expeirenced technical difficulties and a lovely flirtation with Counterfit by Anticock as he attempted to fix the tub.
In the cooling water of the tub we conviened a General Hash Meeting and held elections.
GM – Big Piles
RA – Anticock
Scribe – cockmonkey
Beer Bitch – Gagreflex
Fluffer – cockmonkey
Hash Cash – Big Piles

Find locations for Buffet.
Submit T-shirt designs.  And if you’re submitting a design please have it be a finished drawing not a scrawled sketch outlining your grand idea.

Next trail August 6th, or close to it, Hare Needed!


Cockmonkey’s Log, Beerdate 9.6.09

Meeting at a shady Umass parking lot near Village Park, Suckit Wrench, cockmonkey, Just Austin, and Just Rachel were in attendance with Big Piles as hare.  Trail started approximately at 7pm.  Careful timing meant that Knob Doctor arrived in the window of time when no one was there as the pack was arriving late and the hare was setting the beer.  The trail can be described as ‘lost’.  The pack became lost for extended periods of time at repeated instances, as well as loosing Suckit Wrench while thinking that he was doing REALLY well on the correct trail.  The most notable loss was apprently about 20 feet from the beer marking, before continuing to look in all the wrong directions and then finding marks from the last trail laid by Piles and getting even further lost.  At 9pm the pack stuck at an obsolete ‘true trail’ mark and in a building that was being shut down for the night, we went back to the start point where we discovered in fact that Suckit Wrench was not on the correct trail ahead of us all this time.  Eventually Piles made his way back to us as well and we were able to have circle.

Horribly our newly elected RA, Anticock with a K, Yankee’s Suck, the man with two assholes, was absent so Piles led for us.

Even more tramatic was the absence of our newly elected Beer Bitch who was out in Seattle, but somehow we managed.

Also of note, none of the wankers who offered to finance Just Rachel’s breasts were present.

Next trail for 9/20, either Suckit Wrench’s virgin lay (w/ cockmonkey as cohare) or a trail by cockmonkey, start point to be determined depending on hare.


cockmonkey’s log, Beerdate 8.20.09

On this auspicious we gathered to celebrate Suckit Wrench’s virgin lay.  Thank you all for cuming to help me de-flour my boyfriend.

From the northern reaches we had Knob Doctor!
From the southern metropolis we had Super Chicken Shit
From the actual western part of the state we had Counterfit Dick
From the far western lands we had Pig Fucker and DeciBelle,
And from our dear home we had Anticock, Big Piles, and Just Rachel.  Just Austin arrived, freed from child care, in time for circle.

Hares: Suckit Wrench and cockmonkey

There was much of both mosquitoes and beer on the trail, and all bug repellent was soon sweated off as the pack mounted the trail.  It was dark before trail ended.

The hash shit was passed from cockmonkey to Suckit Wrench.

The next trail is tenatively schedualed for 9/10 starting at Lederle Grad Research Building at Umass, Hared by Anticock.


cockmonkey’s log, Beer date 9/10/09

In attendance at the 10th anniversary (or at least approximately so, as days get blurry as the beers pile up) we had:
Anticock (hare)
Big Piles
Gag Reflex
Knob Doctor
Suckit Wrench

Despite Anticock initially forgetting that he was haring trail today, and then being tied up in the doctor’s office, he did in fact have the opportunity to set beer out and preset trail.  Knob Doctor, Suckit Wrench and myself caught the hare before the trail started laying a false trail.

While waiting for the rest of the pack to arrive we watched Anticock anoint the ground with flour, and I shared the highlight of my workday, learning the instructions for urethra inserted suppositories (for men).

Once everyone showed up we let Anticock go on his way, dodging buses, cars with dancing drivers, and wandering college students.  While letting him enjoy a full cranium start, Piles regaled us with his heroic efforts to protect nature in Colorado, and his torrid affair involving a cougar, bear, and sharp rocks.

Deciding that we had let Anticock meander enough unpersued we set off hot on the trail.  On the trail we endured grueling climbs and more check points than a frat boy has dirty cum rags.  At one point Gag Reflex took off, found more trail, was unable to find us, and ran on ahead, repeatedly finding false trails surrounding a cop car.  Eventually he found the beer.  The rest of the pack found the trail and finished up after the cruiser was gone, and partook of shitty beer in circle.  The beers of the day were PBR and Chub.

Circle was had, beer was drank, songs were sung with varying degrees of sucksex as the RA referred to a clipboard of notes introducing songs we had never heard before.  Ultimately the hash shit was uninamously awarded to Anticock for forgetting the trail among other reasons.

Next hash is tentatively set for the WEEKEND of 9/26, preferably on the Sunday not the Saturday.  Volunteer for hare is need (Baton Mouche, any interest?  I know you’ve expressed interest in haring and need weekend trail dates).

We then proceeded to the Harp for some damn tastey burgers and more expensive than expected beer.  Tales were shared, Anticock proposed a wonderful idea for a 10th anniversary shirt that now needs to be drawn up, which then led to me having fun talking about some of the more interesting/odd sex toys out there (such as the Cone, http://www.conezone.info/).  After food bills were paid, a glass was smuggled, and outside cockmonkey finally aquired a hash shirt (yay).

Once again: Hare needed for Trail #227, Tentatively on 9/27, but hare’s choice!


cockmonkey’s log, beerdate 9.27.09

It was raining.

And I learned that liquor stores don’t open till noon on Sunday.  That and some liquor stores charge $9.75 for growlers before deposit.

Haring the trail was myself, cockmonkey.  Whilst questing for beer the cranium count for the day’s trail almost doubled, increasing the needed fluids.  Fortunately I was still trying to find the damn beer so I didn’t have to go buy more.  So inbetweenst finding suitable beverages, correctly placing them, and mobile directions to incoming hashers, we all gathered under an awning.  Except for Piles who was getting naked in the rain and made us wait until he came.  The Just Rachel rule didn’t apply as she is recovering from back issues requiring hospitalization and good drugs and was enjoying those good drugs while not causing further injury to her back by staying home.

In attendance:
Baton Moche
Suckit Wrench
Just Austin
Virgin Eric (Just Austin made him cum)
Jimmy Crackwhore
Counterfit Dick
Big Piles

Trail started at Watroba’s in North Amherst.

Chalk talk was given through pre-made drawings in a notebook, origionally in an attempt to not have to deal with drawing it out in the rain.  Since we were under an awning, no one was impressed and beverages were drank in apology.  And the hare was off!

Trail was origionally designed so that the pack didn’t have to get their feet wet.  But it was raining, so the lack of river fording was gone to waste.  The trail also apprently went through some poison ivy.  But there were no small children, or more importantly, offended parents in the vincinity of the trail and the beer check.  The trail was run, walked, meandered along.

Items of note:
Anticock was the first to the beer check.

Before circle Counterfit and Jimmy Crackwhore felt the need to don more sporting apparel and took off their pants (and put on their kilts).  During circle we properly violated the once-virgin, learned that hashers can’t do math for shit (on a scale of 0 to 6.9, one usually does not vote “9”), and generally drank shitty warm beer.  cockmonkey got awarded with the hashshit for being the only bitch on trail.

Items of business:
Baton Moche said he may lay the next trail on the weekend of the 17th.  No news from him yet, so we’ll see.  Any back up volunteers?
If you want more tits on trail go recruit them!  I’m less likely to get estrogen poisioning from a penis so my recruitment can be a little lopsided.
Anticock, any progress on getting your shirt design drawn up?


cockmonkey’s log, beer date 10/25/09

In attendance from the Happy Valley:
Big Piles
Jimmy Crack Whore
Suckit Wrench
cockmonkey (hare)
Just Austin

Visiting from Halve Mein:
6.9 on the Rectum Scale
Seize her Cooch
Pig Fucker

Today the sun smiled down upon the hash, and it was good.

Beer was placed out on trail at the scheduled start time of 1pm, at which point the only hasher in attendance besides those who regularly sleep at the start point was Jimmy Crack Whore.

The last of the Happy Valley hashers rolled in by somewhere in the vicinity of 1:30.

A misunderstanding led to the Halve Meins to believe there was a 2pm start time… but they arrived early at about 1:45 and it was good.

Pants were removed and kilts were donned.  Chalk talk was given in a mostly undyed flour, since there was whining the previous trail about the orange flour and fall leaves.  Then the hare was away.

The crafty Pig Fucker saw through a back check and immediately detoured to the true trail.  And down (or up) the trail the pack all eventually went, through a number of checks, a tit check, and whichy ways.  The real problem arose when Suckit Wrench and Just Austin started zenning from a whichy way… one where both ways were correct.  They had a nice adventure through the neighboring cow field and the liberally sprinkled cow patties, until they came back to the back check from the other side.  During this misadventure much of the pack arrived at the beer check, enjoyed some beverage… and when we were still missing half the pack.  Piggie ran back down the trail to find the missing pack members and returned with 6.9, Lego, and Anticock but couldn’t find Suckit or Just Austin.  Since one of the missing hashers lived at the start point, and the other frequently sleeps there, it was decided to continue with the trail since in the worst case they’d just wander back home.

And again, the hare was away!

Before the pack had a chance to persue Suckit and Just Austin stumbled out of the woods at the beer check.  And there was much rejoicing.  The pack went ahead while the latent Happy Valley hashers had their beer.

Upon return to cockmonkey’s apartment the front running bastards informed the hare of the emergence of the lost hashers and that they were following behind.  Since they were several minutes out, the beer check was retrieved whilst the pack enjoyed a variety of brews.

Once we were all gathered the grill was lit and circle was held while we waited for the coals to ready.  Infractions were brought out, including taking the wrong way at a whichyway where both ways were right, office technology/scholarly behavior in circle by the RA.  The hash shit was awarded to Anticock for his clipboard.  Later the dasterdly Pig Fucker hid the hash shit and it may or may not have been retrieved.  I am wondering if I’ll find it hidden in my apartment over the next two weeks.

Before the circle ended we had one important piece of business to take care of.  Naming of Just Austin, brought out by cockmonkey who had much ammunition for the naming.  The key sources of inspiration were his ex, his job, his car, and words out of his own mouth.  The suggestions of the pack included Bitch Magnet, You Fucked What?, Mr. Pullout Man, Missed her Bush, Lost my Nut, Dude Where’s my Nut?, Cunt her Pin, Suckit Wrench fixed my Nut, Can you fix my Nut?, Pull Outs will be Proscecuted, and Pay before Pumping.  Through cheering and noise the hash settled on a name, and from henceforth Just Austin is now Pull Outs will be Proscecuted.

The next trail was announced for November 7th, hared by Jimmy Crack Whore.  More detrails to follow soon… we hope.

On-In was a tastey sucess, with some more meat needed part way which was picked up by 6.9 and Anticock.  There were burgers, curly fries, beer, and much rejoicing.

And I REALLY have to do an empty’s run now, with the empties from the hash adding on to our already prodigious empty beer bottle collection.


cockmonkey’s log, beerdate some Saturday in early November 2009


Actually, reportedly there was not nearly enough compliance with tit checks, so shame on all of you who didn’t whip ’em out.

This trail was set in a location close to some, but apprently universally far enough from many kennels’ centers of operation that we had an amazing turn out from many different hashes.  Personally I had only vaugely heard of the Brimfield State Forest before, sort of how I know the names of various hill towns in the Berkshires that I may or may not have passed through unknowingly as driving down Rt 2 or the Mass Pike.  I believe we had people from several different (or maybe just overlapping) Boston kennels, from Burlington, from CT, from Da Pitts, from Halve Mien, and of course from the Happy Valley.  Possibly some from the Happy Valley I’ve never met before.  Either way, there were lots of us, and it was good.  Including singing about digging up dead whores to fuck again as a lone female drove through our group to locations unknown.

In attendance, in no particular order or indication of home hash because I didn’t have much room to write everything down on my unemployment check envelope:
Jimmy Crack Whore (the hare!)
Big Piles
Pussy Factory
Gag Reflex
Suckit Wrench
Pullouts will be Prosecuted
Sensa Cajonas
Couterfit Dick
Krusty the Meat Miser
Tainted Bone
Pig Fucker
Anticock with a K, Yankees Suck
I Eat Teabags
I Eat Cum
Just Heather
Super Chicken
BBAG (drinking for three, apprently Cletus the Fetus does not get alcohol)
Spunk in the Trunk
Just Sager
Dude Where’s My Virginity? (negelcting to provide alcohol for Cletus the Fetus, but dutifully insuring that the negelected alcohol was drunk by someone else)
Catheter the Great
The Buttler Hit It.

We had no virgins, but with such a turn out the hash gods smiled upon us.  As they did (along with the pack) on Jimmy Crack Whore by giving him a very generous head start since he had decided to do a completely live trail.  After drinking cherry cordial and a rousing round of warm up songs, the pack was off.  Sort of.  A few people were still getting ready, or had to pee, or were taking the walker’s route.  So the pack started off, and eventually everyone else did too.  Thank god for zenning to cut out those large loops that the fast wankers had already plowed through.

The walkers and the runners made it to the check NEAR the beer check around roughly the same time, and then commenced to look in 20 different directions to find the right way.  Someone eventually found generally the right way and there was a flood of zenning hashers to the beer.

Between the 1st and 2nd beer check the pack splintered, but there was a tit check, but we eventually all made it to the beer check where we had beer, mudslides, and fire.  IEC had also managed to find the secret hare on his way through the trail.  Counterfit Dick made a belated appearance to the check, but did successfully arrive.

Finally the fire was put out and we went onward to the NEXT beer check.  Yes there were THREE beer checks.  And another tit check, but not much waiting at it.  At this point there was no longer a walker’s trail, so the distances were shorter and all arrived without too much time discrepancy to enjoy beverages.

Eventually we all made it to circle.  BEFORE full dark.  BBAG had a charlie brown Christmas tree with him, so the dance was done.  Circle was haphazard, with much drinking for head (who said head?) gear.  IEC was given a special drink for finding the super secret special hare.  Somewhere there are photos of circle as I believe Spunk in the Trunk was doing her duty as Hash Flash, even though it wasn’t her home hash (however now I know that I can get away w/ taking photos as an extention of being scribble).

Hash Shit nominations were as follows:
cockmonkey for hash crash
Anticock for not doing a trail where we could use his hot tub in too long
Cojonas for potentially attracting police attention with his bright saftey vest
Jimmy Crack Whore for marks that were not in the chalk talk
Anticock for not giving his name correctly
Anticock for having song cheats on his cup (after he was harranged for a clipboard at the previous hash)
IEC for racing and hash crash

Ultimately though a long ardorus voting process the Hash Shit was awarded to Anticock.

By then it was getting dark so the hash decided to go somewhere where they could see the beer to find it, and perhaps get munchies.

Jimmy Crack Whore’s map for the walkers:

gaze upon the fine artistry!

Black Friday Hash: Halve Mien, Nov 27th
Drunken Pilgrim Hash: Burlington, Nov 28th
something somewhere on the 29th I believe, but don’t remember

Anti-Buffet, Dec 4-6