Hash Trash from 2006

HVH3 No. 136?

Saturday, January 7th, 2006
Pulpit Hill Road, Amherst, Massachusetts

Hare: Sodom Me!
Time: 1300HRS.
Weather: Sunny, highs in the Upper 20’s.
Ground Cover: Packed powder, about 5-6″ snow.
Terrain: Hilly and ice covered ponds.

The Pack: Just Alexis( 2nd ? HVH3 Hash), Just Amy ( 3rd ? HVH3 Hash), Dewey Do Me!, Anti – Coch, Hand Job?, Big Piles, Cainus Lickus, Comes On Vacation,

Virgins: Virgin TJ, Virgin Carolyn, Virgin Alex

Visitors: Pied Piper – Gypsies In The Palace H3 – San Francisco, Just Jim – Anchorage, AK H3

The pack assembled at Chez Sodom Me! at the pre-annointed time, which in Hash standard time parlayance, was half past HST, and pre-lubed for the run with a mixture of good beer on tap from Sodom Me!’s new Kegalater and left over hash beers from the 2005 season.

The hare did a chalk talk for the pack but especially for the virgins. The hash for saturday was light blue A#thr*x on snow. COV was tasked somehow, to go get chalk for the hare down at Cowls, but the slightest hint of chalk was eventually seen on trail.

The trail started with a check at the end of Sodom Me!’s driveway which caused Pied Piper to search north on Pulpit Hill Road and Cainus Lickus to search east towards Puffers Pond. Most of the pack went west along the trail network above the golf course. This meandering herd eventually had to back trail because the FRBs ran smack into a YBF. The hare who was sweeping trail was gleeful as everyone came back past him to the last check and True Trail was spotted leading south along Pulpit Hill Road.

At another check, Hand Job? (Sure!) searched further southwest, and a few hashers checked a trail towards the northern part of Puffers Pond. But True trail was going southerly thru some woods and popped out going towards that meadow on the west side of Puffers Pond. Trail then snaked along the icy edge of Puffers Pond and it was here that we had our first real misshap of the day.

Some people were ice fishing with regular fishing poles and as one was casting (?) his lure caught hash hound Zuni in her forehead just above her eye. Luckily for Zuni there was a Doctor in the pack ( actually Zuni’s Mommy is a Vet, COV ) So COV, and the Hare took Zuni back to the SP for a quick extraction. They managed to quickly perform the procedure and made it back in time for the first beercheck.

Speaking of which, another check was placed on the trail along the pond and one of the virgins and Pied Piper were spotted emerging from a long YBF. Trail proceeded past the major beach at Puffers Pond and then at the beach was the beercheck. However, most of the pack by-passed the beercheck and continued on trail.( Which where they were was way up a steep hill) Those of us at the rear of the pack harangued and shouted “BEER HERE!!!” as loud as we could and that brought the errant hashers back to the beer. We ligered there just a short while and then the pack resumed trail, which went up that hill.

Now being yer scribe and a charter hasher of the HVH3 and having done a zillion cubed hashes at Puffers Pond I JUST KNEW where the next beer check was gonna be, so I talked Dewey Do Me! into Zenning with me to the next beer check. But oops, we got fooled by that twicky wabbit and we marched all the way to Cushman Center on a good trail, where we did find all kinds of neat half-eaten, ring-necked pheasants, but anyway, we wasn’t on any hash trail. We took the RR tracks back, and once we conquered Dewey’s “Stand By Me” fear of crossing an icy-covered Railroad trestle over a stream and road, we went all the way back to the SP. Luckily for us the pack was very understanding and offered their meritorious heartfelt feelings of condolence for missing the second beercheck, which translated means we were gonna do a down down fer that indiscretion.

The pack moved the circle into Sodom Me!’s Chamber of Horrors so we could be closer to the Kegalater. The hare demonstrated how to do a down down for the virgins.AS he did this we sang him the “S – ach – eye, T T Why, T R A eye L” song.

Comments about his trail included the following harangues:

Was it marked?
Why only one beercheck?
Not enough snow! ,Hills, Fish hooks, etc.

The visitor, Pied Piper was also demented to demonstrate how they do a down down in

San Francisco. As he did this we sang him, “He’s a Hasher, He’s True Blue” song.

Next up on the menu was the Virgins.

Virgin TJ who is from Amherst, was made to cum by Sodom Me! So Sodom Me! assumed the position behind TJ so he’d get the full grasp of Sodom Me!’s name.

Virgin Carolyn, who is also from Amherst, was made to cum by Big Piles.

Virgin Alex, who hails from Marthas Vineyard, was also made to cum by Sodom Me!

Queried by our Co-GM and Demetress COV, Virgin Alex couldn’t quite get past the 8 point something aspect of the square root of 69. He explained he couldn’t understand the significance of the digits. Mathematically speaking, those “Stinking Digits” may come back to haunt him for his future naming.

Virgin Alex would fuck a sheep as long as it was a black sheep. Sheep Fucker!!!

Virgin Carolyn Would get off! from that mystical busload of Lesbians. ( I think thats a regular run for the PVTA…)

New Cummer Just Jim last hashed in Anchorage, Alaska, he said about two years ago. He’s a transplant to Amherst and was made to cum by of all people – Virgin Carolyn!

We sang him the “Hymn, Hymn” song.

Backsliders were annointed with a special down down and were sung “A Sol, Asol, A soldier I will Be…”

Backsliders were: Happy Valley’s Suite Judy Blue Eyes herself, Hand Job? and Just Jim who of course mentioned it had been two years since his last hash.

Yer scribe and Dewey Do Me! were demented for missing the second beercheck and we had to do a down down.

Technology on trail went to Just Jim for some sort of wristband chronograph running thingy.

Over-achievers for doing three hashes in seven days were: COV, Cainus Lickus and yer scribe. ( Halve Mein hash last saturday, Rhode Island Hash monday and the HVH3 hash on saturday.)

Blood on Trail were hash hounds Zuni, for the fish hook incident and Hash hound Ellie for running full throttle into a line of barbed wire. Proxies for the hounds were Cainus Lickus for Zuni and yer scribe for Ellie May. ( My hand written notes get a little hard to read from this point on…) Song sung was, “Hashers, Meet The Hashers”

Virgin TJ was demented for wearing not only one racing shirt but layers of them!!! Sodom Me! was cited for not coaching his Newby of this serious infraction! Roll Back! Rollback! Oh Rollback My Foreskin For Me, For Me! song was their special treat.

Hashit nominations were the hare for something or other and to yer scribe. As usual the ballots were as fair as any you’d expect in any Florida election and I was once again presented the Hashshitstick.

Upcumming Events include:

The Robbie Burns Pre-Lube Hash for all western Mass, Eastern NY, upper Vermont and Westchester County and Hardfarts in range, hash. Saturday, January 21st at Unity Park In beautiful downtown Turners Falls. 1300HRs. Promises Urban Blight and BEER! Dewey Do Me! is the hare.

The Robbie Burns Hash in Boston the following day, check thier website for details.

Anal Boston Marathon Hash. Rego is now open. The weekend in April that coincides with Patriots Day.

The Summit H3 1000th – March 24th 26th in Blairstown, N.J. Cost is currently $99 per person. Its a three day event at a campground. address questions to “Papoose” ,

Also, the Rumson Hash’s 1st Anal “CoMotion-By-The-Ocean” Hash, May 19,20,21 In and near Neptune, N.J. Direct questions to “Dave the Mason”

Don’t forget the Halve Mein Red Dress which also cums up in the spring.

Okay, Okay, this Hash trash is a long bastard a’int it!

HVH3 Scribble

Happy Valley Hash House Harriers: Run 136

Hares: Dewey Do Me!, Anti-Cock

Happy Valley: Canis Lickus, Comes on Vacation, Yeast Boy, Big Piles, Ellie (Canis Australis), Just Mike, Just ?, Just ?, Just ? (I’m sure they know their own names)

Halve Mein: Pig F*cker, McCavity, Bodsa, Poptop, Willy W*nker, Peace O’Chum, Nice Snatch, Laurel and Hardly Running (Canis Glossus Maximus), Tubslut, All Holes Hoping, Gay Underway, Just Joe, Just Denny, Just Tim, Just Daryl

Boston: Muffalotta, Friar Fuck, Holy Ozone, Hair Club for Queers, Nipples Erectus, Crucif*cks, Zena (Canis Territorialis)

Could this really be Happy Valley? With all these Hashers? OK, 15 of them were the Halve Mein not much life brigade (those only coming out to Turners Falls) and the no life brigade (heading on to Boston to complete another lost weekend). A few enthusiastic Bostonians had come out to prelube their own hash and there were even a few Happy Valleyers to be seen in the crowd.

The pack assembled in a muddy parking lot on the Connecticut River enjoying the sun and 50 degree temperatures, noticeably warmer than our Happy Valley/ Halve Mein sojourn to Searsburg in October. After the requisite pre-lubing and chalk talk for our 4 virgins the pack headed down river towards an old mill complex where trail wound down to the river. Your scribe was taking pictures of the (artificial) falls and was about to rejoin trail when the YBFed FRBs headed back up the hill on rejoined the walkers on a path by a canal. In the nature of canal towpaths the trail was flat and wide and soon brought the FRB’s to a beer check down by the swollen river.

While most of the pack enjoyed a beer (OK it was Genny Cream Ale so “enjoyed” and “beer” should be considered relative terms) Tubslut gave hash hound Ellie some good wood. Suitably refreshed by their lubing of choice the pack picked up trail again and some inspired trail finding by the FRB’s (who were convinced trail headed down the river despite the lack of flour or chalk evidence) saw the walkers and slower runners get well ahead through residential streets.

The pack soon found themselves on another canal and after a short run down the towpath the E/T split took the Eagles back out on the other side of the canal while the Turkeys headed towards town. The Eagles were rewarded for their overachievement by a long run down the canal and discovered their “no beer beer check”to be a blackberry brandy check. Luckily 8 eagles braved the run (with a couple of virgins looking like they regretted the experience) and the brandy was disposed of with no lasting harm to any individual’s digestive system. Meanwhile Willy W*nker started to remove his clothing while the Halve Mein “midgy-rakers” (aka dumpster divers) searched out an assortment of dumped items, so the good people of Turners Falls were treated to the sight of Snatch returning to town with skis while Pig F*cker pushed Laurel in an old stroller.

Trail brought the Eagle pack back to what passes for civilization in these parts and checks were found well marked by the Turkeys until the trail climbed a set of stairs. Checking left, right and straight from an unadulterated check failed to reveal the hallowed hash so the eagles decided to zen, despite the hares warning that this might miss a beer check. This was no standard zen though, this was inspired. Shopping carts were obtained on the street and raced. A house was spotted with a big sign saying 69 and duly photographed. Then rounding a corner the trolley derby spotted the golden trail mark BN and entered a cafe to find the rest of the pack enjoying some great local beers.

In their excitement the Eagles had mislaid their virgins and Just Joe so Pig F*cker backtracked to find them and discovered their rookie mistake… following the actual trail. Once the whole pack was reunited and refreshed our clever hares didn’t waste good drinking time by doing much running to the end and the pack quickly ditched their shopping trolleys and other detritus of choice and jumped into cars for the ride to the on-in. FRTs (front running tubbers) were soon soiling the hot tub while the rest of the pack circled on the deck. By this time January had returned with a vengeance and circle was quickly dealt with in whipping winds and plunging temperatures. Not before the FRT’s had been regularly detubbed to have their crimes recognized of course.

In brief summary as it was way to cold to scribe, down downs may have gone to:
HalveMein visitors
Boston visitors
Hot tubbers: Just Joe, Tubslut, Pig F*cker, Muffalotta, Willy W*nker, Crucif*cks, Holy Ozone.
2 hash shits (hares): Anti-cock was awarded the Happy Valley shit for something (maybe dead trail: who needs an excuse), Dewey for something else (laying live marks on a dead trail or whatever).
Lost shit: McCavity, COV, Snatch, Anti-Cock, Friar F*ck

A very swift version of “Swing Low” closed circle before the now hypothermic pack poured into the house for hot food and tubbers tubbed on into the night.

*It has been reported that Just Joe may have been named in the tub, but for now this scribe will adhere to tradition 69 which states that what goes on in the hot tub stays in the hot tub.

**It should be noted that tradition 69 does not preclude mention of those who manage to fall out of the tub and off the deck. Will Bodsa please report to the next available circle to receive her down-down.

HVH3 No.137 Hark! A Lark in the Park!

Say What?
Happy Valley Hash Number 137
“Seahawks / Steelers Pre -Superbowl XL Hash”

This was a co-hared hash brought to us by Sodom Me! and the lovely hasher formerly known as “Just Amy”. It was, her Virgin Lay.

The Hash began at high noon at Groff Park in South Amherst, just off Rte 116 on Mill Lane. The pack dribbled in, cumming in spurts until a proper quorum was reached, critical mass being 16 hashers and a pack of hash hounds. Speaking of the hash hounds, a civilian with child called on Amherst’s finest to harangue us about pooches being off leash. The Barney Fife wannabe was actually fairly nonchalant about his business, but a hasher began whining to the cop about parts of the park being okay to have a dog off leash. Now boys and girls, readers of hash trash all, Uh, ya don’t dot the eyes and cross the tees when yer standing around drinking copius amounts of brews with cups in hand as the cop is talking to you. Next time, just smile and say “Thank you officer, have a nice day!” and just leave it at that, okay, that’s my two cents on that…


The Hares, Just Amy and Sodom Me!

The Pack: Anti-Coch, Dewey Do Me!,Yeasty Boy, Cainus Lickus, Comes On Vacation, Mr. Hankey, Hand Job?, Col. Mustard, Just Alexis, Just Alex

New Cummer: Schlopy ( That’s sloppy with a “ch”, kind of like Anti-Coch with a Scottish Ch thrown in, but thats another story)

Virgins: ( 3 virgins!) Virgin Ria, a reporter for the Yankee Brew News, Just Russell, Just Avi

Sodom Me! and Just Amy exlained hash markings for the virgins and explained a new mark, or perhaps an old mark we haven’t used in awhile, a circled “S”, which stands for a “Song Check” Virgin Russell at this point asked a strange question about whether or not dogs could get STDs? Hmmmm, what could we do with that tidbit of info???

Trail was pre-laid and the Hares swept trail. BTW, conditions were rather nice for Febrewary 5th, nice enough that AC and Yeasty Boy both wore the hash tartans, aka, Happy Valley mini-skirts, aka, kilts. Trail proceeded northeasterly along the river that abutts Groff Park, then climbed a slippery, muddy hill to the playing fields. Trail then crossed over some rusty barbed wire into a huge field where the pack momentarily lost trail. Some FRBs sounded On ON, but I’m not sure what that was about, because the sweepers guided us towards the remanants of a very muddy, pot holed Mill lane. The field was very wet and muddy, which was the secondary theme of the day, “wet and muddy”. Trail then went east on Mill Lane until we spotted a left turn at an entrance for the Rail trail. But true trail veered left and went under an old railroad bridge to Beer Check No.1. Yea! The check was scenically located along the swollen banks of previously mentioned river. Beer Check beer was growlers of BBC.

On On brought the pack to a check on the Rail Trail. A long falsie led east and true trail ran west. But just for a short while then back into some wet ‘n muddy fields north of the rail trail, above Southeast Street. The view was spectacular. Trail ran uphill to an old abandoned house that belongs to Amhesrt College. It was a cool looking old house. Trail zigged and zagged around the house to a “Song Check”.

We sang Jesus Saves, and some other songs. Then pack was off! Off on a long pursuit of a false. True Trail went around the back of the house into some woods which led a to a steep little embankment above the rail trail. The FRbs rejoined us at this point. Now it was at this juncture that the most spectacular hash crash in some time was observed. Comes On Vacation somehow got her foot caught in something and dove head and shoulders into a wet ditch alongside the rail trail and she totally soaked herself. Luckily she didn’t wrench her neck or anything except get totally soaked. Mr Hankey also had a sudden shift but he caught himself, which was probably a good thing for Col. Mustard who was riding shotgun on Mr. Hankey’s back.

Trail then crossed over the rail trail, and some more rusty barbed wire, but thankfully Schlopy held the wires apart as hashers and hounds traversed this obstacle.

Trail then led into a huge wet ‘n muddy field ( are ya seeing a pattern here?) The pack checked hither and thither and eventually found trail as it led to another barbed wire obstacle. But just beyond this obstacle lay Beer Check No. 2! Beer Check beer was, Growlers of BBC and bottles of Hefeweizen, yum E! We also convened a CHH meeting. Virgin Ria also took pictures of the pack as the sun tried to break thru some clouds and I bet the pictures will look good in the next issue of Yankee Brew News.

Then it was off again into the wet ‘n muddy fields. This time trail led thru even more sticker bushes and down to a water obstacle. We crossed it without much of a problem but then realized after travelinga bit of a ways we had to cross it again but at this point you had to cross an old beaver dam then leap across a deep little stream into mud. Most everybody made it okay. Some chose to back track and zen trail to the next meeting point. The rest of us looked for trail on the muddy and slippery banks of some streams until trail was spied and then after crossing some more rusty barbed wire we made our way into a, you guessed it, a wet ‘n muddy field. We were getting close to the start point at Groff park. Trail went behind a highway garage and then emerged onto Rte 116. We went south then east onto Mill Lane and thenst back to “A”.

COV & CL grabbed acooler full of beer and we circled up in the middle of a baseball field just beyond a sign that said, “Stay off the fields, Mud”

At The Circle:

Virgins were first on the list.

Virgin Ria when asked who made her cum, resoundingly replied, “YOU ALL MADE ME CUM!!!”
Virgin AVI and Virgin Russell replied Just Alex made them cum.
Question 1 went to Avi, his favorite barnyard animal is a goat.
Question 2 went to Russell, who would most definitely getoff being on the magic bus.
Question 3 went to Ria, who must have cut that class on Math or Human Sexuality and didn’t quite know what the square root of 69 was.

We sang the virgins , You May Be A Joy to Your Mothers, but yer a pain in the asshole to Me!”

New Cummer Schloppy demonstrated how to do a down down for the virgins, but then he had to do another one for wearing a hat in circle.

Next was Violations and they were done as a group, more or less.
Hash Crash – Comes On Vacation
New Sneakers -Cainus Lickus ( Drank his down down from his sneaker, YUCK!)
Backsliding – Mr. Hankey
Changing before circle – Schloppy
Blood on Trail – Yeasty Boy & Anti-Coch

Then there were comments about trail:
AC – Not enuf rusty barbed wire
Schloppy – Not enuf thorny briars
Just Alexis – Nut enuf mud
Virgin Russell – Not enuf blood
Hand Job? – Not enuf… I cant read my writing on that one.
Yeasty Boy – “My Balls Hurt!”
Dewey Do Me! – Not enuf Shiggy

Song sung for violaters was, “This is Your Down Down song”

Cumming Attractions Include:Buffet V June 15th or something.

February 18th, next HVH3 hash will be in Conway at Just Pat’s and hares will be Just Pat and Gag Me!

April 1st we will do an April Fools Hash in Haverhill and re-invade Yeasty Boy and Skirt Chasers neck of the woods.

Last bit o nastyness wasa namimg for one harriette formerly known as Just Amy.

The pack was aksed to relate what we knew about her and comment sincluded her service to the town of Amherst as an EMT and a Fireman. Hence, she must play with hoses and squirt on things and such.She also is an Environmental Engineer who designs water traetment palnts and such.

Her name is not: Call Force Ho, Plays with Shit, Pole Dancer, Pole Slider, Firey Bush, or Cum Guzzling Crack Whore. For eternity and then some, she will forever be known as (in the Biblical sense of the word of course) “Burning Bush”

Now, remember at the opening circle, Just Russell made that comment about dogs and STDs? It is very rare for a spontaneous naming in the Happy Valley, but the pack felt this was called for in this case.

Just Russell was not named: Pooper Pumper, Stud Puppy, Dirty Doggy Style, Puppy Phucker, Purina Doggy Chows Down, Doggy STDs, Dog Germ Me! ( People were getting kind of drunk by now) Syphilitic Crack Whore, Doggy Do Me!, Sniff Dawgy Dawg, And something else I scribbled. After careful thought, Just Russell will be henceforth be known as, Poopy Pumper / Puppy Pooper Pumper A spontaneous naming is such an honor!!!

The ON In was held at the Hanger in Amherst where we quickly killed off 4 pitchers of beer amongst 8 people and 5 platters of 727 wings. Curiously just before we left, Just Alex made a comment about if we gave him $2 each he would drink a bottle of ketchup. Just thinking out loud, but how does “Two Buck Ho” sound, or “Ketchup Guzzling Crack Whore” rub ya?

Then it was off to Sodom Me! and Just Alexis’ abode in North Amherst for a stupor bowl party. We chowed, drank, laughed, goofed on the Seahawks, watched commercials, reconvened the CHHs, and watched the World’s Greatest Geritol Band, Le’ Rolling Schtones. Somewhere along the line the Pittsburgh Steelers captured thier franchise’s 5th Vince Lombardi Trophy.

Oh yeah, we also made up a rule that everytime the announcers said a Polynesian name like Polumalu or TittyPUPU, or whatever that guys name was you had to drink. At one point John Madden said Palumalu like three times in a row!

Okay, enough, enough already, I didn’t write this much shit in Grad School, I’m out of here!

HVH3 Scribe

ps, Dewey & I can’t make the next scheduled HV hash. Can somebody step in and do the scribe duties? Thanks ON ON!

Happy Valley #139 | Hell ’em in Pelham!

Hare: Sodom Me!
Start: The Congo Church at the intersection of Meetinghouse Lane and Amherst Road.
Start Time 1400Hrs HST, 4MAR06
Weather: Sunny, brisk and a little above 32 degrees F.

The Pack:
Mr. Hankey,Big Piles, Burning Bush, Cums On Vacation, Cainus Lickus, Just Alex ( Hash No.4), Just Alexis (hash No. 5), Anti-Coch, Dewey Do Me!

Virgins: Virgin Little Oral Annie, oops, I mean, Holly from Oradell, NJ

Virgin Hannah from some place called Boston.

Visitor: Peace ‘o Chum – Halve Mein H3 ( Albany,NY)

Latecummers: Just Pat, Gag Me w/ a Resurr-erection.

Hash Hounds: Zuni, Scruffy, Ellie May.

Latecoming Hound: Asia.

Sodom Me! explained his hash marks for the virgins and his marks were slightly different than the norm, but were well explained to the pack.

The hare axed for a 6.9 minute cranium start and was inexorably granted a 10 minute cranium start. He being one fast little wabbit he should have given us a cranium start!

COV the RA, led us in a warm-up Father Birmingham, which is a twicky song to do while balancing a 16 oz. cup of Belgian White in your hands. Thanks to Yeasty Boy, who donated the keg of Belgian Ale.Introductions were also announced prior to the hare’s departure.

Trail led down the Hollow of Meetinghouse Lane. Parts of the trail were covered in ice with a thin layer of fresh snow. Dewey Do Me! showed the pack the incorrect way of navigating trail for the day with a quick Hash Crash. Luckily she managed to break the fall with her backbone and back of her cranium. ( She didn’t get too badly hurt).

Trail proceeded north on Meetinghouse Lane to a “backcheck eight.” This had us go back up the hill almost to the start and then the new “check” led some members of the pack to follow a false easterly into the woods. True Trail ran west along a pitched incline covered in ice, snow and leaves. Trail then went down, up and then down again thru a series of ravines. Eventually, trail crossed that bridge at the opposite end of the Amherst Reservoir where we had cake and champagne for Flutters Graduation/AC’s B-Day hash a couple of years ago.

Trail then went west along the stream/reservoir until a few hundred yards below the dam, where we found beer check No.1. Some more Belgian White and some Budweiser Select, Mmm, Mmm, Mmmm. Budweiser, made me remember why I am a beer snob. But anyways…

Trail then went up an old road, liberally scattered with checks and such, and then crossed back over Meetinghouse Lane. Trail then went into some thickets and brambles, butb then came out on a deerpath that became a trail.

Trail then proceeded to the crest of a incline above another dam and pond, and this is where beercheck No.2 was. We all hung out above the dam, where the sun warmed us all up. It was so warm in the sun, you could shed a few layers until we got back on trail.

Trail re-commenced and meandered thru some more ravines and easier trail back to Meetinghouse Lane. Trail then more or less followed Meetinghouse Lane back to the SP.

It was at the SP that the circle up was held.

At The Circle:

First Order of business was the Hare. He was serenaded with the S-H-I-T-T-Y Trail song. Comments about the trail included but were not limited to: Not enough shiggy, not enough enthusiastic virgins, not enough blood on trail, not enough ice, and other stuff which I couldn’t write down fast enough.

Then Virgins:
Virgin Hannah was made to cum by Just Alexis.She wouldn’t get off the mythical bus of Lesbians. ( course she is a Smithie)

Virgin Holly made herself cum, (woo hoo!) Holly seemed to have been well coached because she knew the sq. root of 69.

Both observed the Hare demonstrate a down down, then after being sung, Here’s to the virgins they’re true blue… they did their DD’s correctly.

Next Up was the visitor from Halve Mein cuntry, Peace ‘o Chum. POC was sung “Hashers, meet the Hashers” and because she wore a hat in circle drank two DDs.

Then it was violaters:
Latecummer: Gag Me…
Hash Crash: Dewey Do Me!
Hat In Circle/Technology on Trail/Changing before Circle: Peace ‘o Chum
Hat in circle/ Gear Geek ( Ankle Gaiters?) Sodom me!
Backsliding: Mr. Hankey (missed one hash!), Big Piles ( Missed one hash), Gag Me! (missed a few), Missed opportunity AC and DDM ( missed one)
Song Sung was, “With an F, with an FU, with an FUC… etc”

Hashit: Nominated were COV for not properly passing off the hashit at the last hash with a proxy taking the hashit for a hasher that wasn’t present at the last hash.

Dewey Do Me! for a spectacular hash crash.

and AC for no reason at all…

I got it again when balloting was closed before it began.

Hash Announcements Followed as:

Next hash: March 18th, a saturday Halve Mein / HVH3 hash somewhere on the NY / Mass line. Also Chum’s B-Day hash. Hare is Chum and COV.

Summit Green Dress Hash also on Saturday March 18th probably in Cranford, NJ

Summit 1000th Hash in Blairstown, NJ March 24,25, 26.

Boston Marathon Hash – Easter Weekend in Boston.

Harrisburg / Hershey Stinko de Mayo Hash – First weekend in May.

Halve Mein NURD, Mother’s Day Weekend in May

Rumson Hash Co-motion by the Ocean the weekend of May 19, 20, 21

Buffett V – June 16, 17, 18

Secondary theme of “Get Flutter Really Facked Up!”

Hash Religion Followed to close the hash run.

Okay, On In was held at the hanger in Amherst.

The On After was held in the hot tub in Wendell.

We also played multiple rounds of “Flutter’s Gay Jenga”

At around 20:30 Hrs we decided to call Cajonas and Flutter but couldn’t figure out their phone numbers, we also apparently called Yeasty Boy and thanked him for the keg, but I don’t remember that.

Everybody split by 2 a.m.

Things discovered following the hash:
A blue/gray fleece jacket with ten bucks and a chapstick in the pocket ( Cainus’ ?)
A blue hooded sweat jacket, with DMO Construction logo on it ( Just Alex’s )
A 15.5 gallon keg of Belgian White Ale ( Yeasty Boy’s ?)
and still leftover from the Turners Falls hash: a purple bath towel.

ps Sodom Me! you might like to know I persuaded some individuals not to decorate yo’ face with colored sharpies when you passed out on the couch. For some reason no one tried to nail Big Piles either.

Yo’ Mos’ Humble scribble,

HVH3 Run #140-something, May 4th

A not so brief and somewhat rambling report from your friendly neighborhood Substitute Scribe regarding Happy Valley H3 Run #14n where n = an unknown number greater than zero and less than ten, May 4, 2006.

Run number one-hundred-forty-something convened at Sodom Me!’s lair around 6:00 PM. Our Halve Mein friends will be disappointed to know that we once again convincingly smashed the boundary of double digits, even without counting the hash hounds, of which I think there were three at the beginning and five at the end. Being reasonably sure no one was pregnant at the beginning, and taking into account typical canine gestation periods, this means someone who shall remain nameless (Dick.com) only showed up for circle, and brought a couple of hounds. OK, I lied about the remaining nameless part. Apparently his pooches are not winners of the “plays well with others” merit badge and remained somewhat segregated. Here’s the list of those present, retrieved from my somewhat muddled brain, with some much appreciated help from COV:

Comes On Vacation
Canis Lickus
Sodom Me! (hare)
Burning Bush
Hand Job?
Gag Me (until circle)
Big Piles
Just Nancy
Just Dave
Just Drew
Just Cameron
Just Alex
Just Dan
Virgin Molly
Virgin Karen
Virgin Brian
Dick.com (at circle only)
Just Jason (at start only)
Hash Hounds Zuni (aka Cock Blocker), Scruffy (Face F*cker), & Kodi. I don’t
know Dick.com’s pooches names.

The trail:
Taking a hard right out of his front yard, our hare, Sodom Me!, successfully outran us on a merry chase down unused dirt roads and wooded trails, crossing streams (with bridges, thank you), through fields, a tree farm (a little too early to poach one for next Xmas), bloody underbrush (see note below), and scenic railroad tracks. Personally, I found the railroad ties and gravel to be a bit of a challenge after the second beer check. I believe at least some portion of the pack followed every false at the abundant checks and the one back check. Both beer checks occurred at stream crossings, which hash hound Kodi enjoyed (the stream, not the beer) and shared with those standing too close when he shook off excess stream contents. On the up side, this may have rinsed some blood off our legs (see note below regarding bloody underbrush).

In spite of Dick.com showing up only for circle, I think we had the same number of hashers at circle as we did on trail. Being fairly sure that no one was permanently lost or killed on trail (see note below re: bloody underbrush), this means a hasher who shall remain nameless (Gag Me) bailed out before circle, and shall be dealt with appropriately the next time she dares show her face. OK, I lied again about the remaining nameless bit.

Three virgins were officially welcomed at circle. If I remember correctly, Virgin Karen came up with an approximately correct square root of 69, Virgin Molly got off with busloads of lesbians, and I’m afraid I don’t remember Virgin Brian’s preference in barnyard animals. Was it a goat perhaps?

It was also somebody’s birthday, so we had a rousing chorus of Happy Birthday FY.

Bloody underbrush: If Halve Mein’s McCavity was there, that’s what he might have called it. Much blood was spilt on trail as the hare took us through thorns, barbed wire fences, and my personal favorite, a barbed wire fence across a stone wall shrouded in thorns. I’m not saying there was too much shiggy, but when we did down-downs for blood on trail, I think there was only one person left singing while we drank. Those of us craniuming out to NURD will likely still bear visible marks on the portion of our legs exposed below hemline. And something is making one of my scratches itch.

After the circle proceedings were completed, many of us reconvened at ABC (which may have contributed to my not remembering some things, like whose birthday it was). Just as circle ended Burning Bush lived up to her name, being called to a fire, but she put out and showed up at ABC not long after the rest of us were seated.

I think a good time was had by all, especially whoever Burning Bush put out for.

Somewhat respectfully submitted,
-Big Piles, Sub-scriber for the traveling Scribble, Anti-Cock with a k.

HVH3 #145 or so | Big Piles Virgin Lay

Happy Valley No. 145
May 18, 2006 – Thursday
1800 Hrs
Parking Lot #12 at the UMASS Amherst Campus
(Basically the most Northwestern part of the main campus grounds)

Hare: Big Piles Co-Hare: Cainus Lickus

The pack: Hand Job?, Just Drew, Burning Bush, Just Alex, Anti-Coch, Just Cameron, Sodom Me! Just Brian, Just Jason, Just Jim.

Virgins: Virgin Elliot, Hand Job? made him cum.  Virgin Erin, Just Alex made her cum.  Virgin Jose, Sodom Me! made him cum.

This was Big Piles virgin lay.Feeling rather innadequately equipped or something he axed Cainus Lickus to Co-Hare with him as if an experienced Hasher could somehow ever hope to un-clusterf#ck somebody’s virgin lay…It just don’t ever happen that way, a virgin lay is a virgin lay, but more about dat later.

Bit of a pause here – as I reminisced about my virgin lay, back at the “stroke” of midnight as 1979 turned into 1980, but enough of my jaw jacking, this is about Big Piles mis-adventures…

Big Piles did the chalk talk and explained some unusual marks. Some people call ’em “back checks” Big Piles calls ’em “Beer Checks”, at this point we knew we wuz screwed. Big Piles also spoke about some mysterious codes we would have to know in order to extricate the beer from the beer checks. Some flashed back to a certain Turners Falls code of behind the third birch tree on the vernal equinox, while others flashed back to a Worcester Calculus hash mark that stymied people at BMP’s virgin lay. Anyways, the numbers of the Beast were not 666, they were “5133” or “some order thereof” as it was left by BP.

At that he and Cainus Lickus took off axing fo’ a 6.9 minute cranium start.

Sodom Me! stepped up to the plate and assumed de-facto RA duties. He led the pack in a decent rendition of Father Birmingham.

( BTW, It actually didn’t rain on the hash thursday night!)

The hares actually got close to their asked for 6.9 minutes, getting a six minute start. The pack followed hash north to a check at the top of the parking lot and got swacked early, Most Justs and Virgins following the off trail FRBs for a few minutes. True trail was soon discovered going north on a dirt and wet grass path over a small stream. Just Drew managed the first hash crash and blood on trail just before the stream. I had tripped over a vine and was just about to turn around and say”Watch out for that vine” when I heard the inevitable”Oh Shit!” and splunk sound of a hasher down. Oops! Sorry ’bout that.

Trail then came to a check and true trail then ran east. The main pack followed trail north but it was a false. They came back and checked another false until Burning Bush spotted true trail across a ditch and then trail ran into a thicket of briars. Just beyond the briars were a series of dirt mounds that had to be climbed and descended. Beyond that was a grassy patch, and when approached a “Beer Here” was heard. Sodom Me! being FRB, I believe, to the beer. The hares were there waiting. Good stuff in in 20 oz. cans. Yum Yum! Oh yeah, and supposedly fresh baked big chocolate chip cookies.

We hung out there for a little while, the hares getting a new cranium start. Some of the virgins explained where they were from while a “Just” let us know a little bit more about him: Just Jim said, and I quote, ” I feel like I have an IRON LUNG” He also made a comment about “Nipple Pies.” TMI

Then the pack was off thru more underbrush and slopes. Trail ran thru the parking areas behind the Lederle Grad. Center, then made a left up some back street to the intersection of North Pleasant Street. Trail crossed over and an arrow pointed into a overgrown line of hedges that broke out to a fenceline surrounding a construction site next to the UMass Education building. It was here that a huge clusterf#ck ensued. Nobody could spot trail. We looked all over the place for it. We wasted a good 10-15 minutes here. We then spread out, all looking in different directions hoping to pick up the trail. Eventually, Hand Job? was spotted way down past the Lederle Center waving and shouting, though we of course couldn’t hear her.

When we caught up to her she was looking for trail because she was had found a check. She and some others couldn’t find any hashmarks near the direction of main campus, so I crossed the street and found two hash marks going east. This also confounded the pack and we spent more time searching. We then crossed back over the street and started looking by the Campus Center. I spotted an arrow and we followed it towards the duck pond. But we all had a nasty suspicion that we had missed a beercheck so we all separated again to search all over the main campus. Sodom Me! Thought the “5133” stood for a parking spot, so off he went to check the Parking Garage.

We all met back up again on the other side of the duck pond in total confusion. Hash Marks were found and Sodom me! rejoined us as we traveled west towards the Mullins Center. We followed hash marks to the street on the west side of campus but were again confounded by the markings.

We all decided to bail the trail as it was approaching 2000HRs. We thought one last try might involve meandering towards the Outing Club Shed ( we had also lost Burning Bush) While on the way there, I spotted the hares way off in the distance outside the west side of the parking garage. We chased the hares as they ran under the parking garage. Lo and behold, that’s where the beercheck was. Ah, the amazing power of beer!

We all abused the hares, and drank their beers. Growlers of some delectable microbrew, BBC I think.

All too soon it was time to go back to A for the closing circle.

My, My this is turning into a long trash…

Circle Antics:
Hares in the Circle – Trail averaged out to a negative 6.9 rating.
Hares were sung the SHITTY TRAIL song

Virgin Elliot was asked about the sq root of 69
Virgin Erin would get off on a busload of lesbians
Virgin Jose prefers sheep and would F3ck one, “Sheepf#cker!!!!”
Sung the They are Hashers they’re True Blue Song.

There were many, many, many accusations!

Autohashing – Big Piles
Backsliding – (me) Anti-Coch
Ran away from last hash – Just Jason
Changing before circle – Just Cameron
There were more but I got stuck drinking beer instead of taking notes.

Next up were namings for Just Cameron and Just Alex

Just Cameron was not named: Biscuit Eater, Snatches Little Urinals, Cum Guzzling Crack Whore, Wayne Campbell’s Chocolate Starfish. She was named ” Jiggles the Handle” and will be known as “Jiggles” for short.

( All in reference to a certain rendevous with U B during the NURD weekend, I think.)

Just Alex was not named, Siamese Cock ( He’s got an identical twin), Le Cock, Wayne Cambell’s Chocolate Starfish, nor Cum Guzzling Crack Whore. He was however named, ” Le Marquis deux Brokeback”

After that I spilled beer on my notes and they all dissolved.

The hashshit made an appearance and there was nothing the hares could do to keep it away from themselves.

The hashit was properly cleansed by AC and was awarded to Big Piles for his virgin lay. But for some reason I think Cainus Lickus walked away with the hashit.

Announcements were made, but of course the biggest one was, Buffett V cumming June 16, 17 18 at Wendell State Forest. I think the rego will be up by the time you read this!

Yours Most Humbly,
HVH3 Scribble

HVH3 5-1-3-3 hash | Big Piles Accounting of trail No.145 or so

Well, we got to the 513 (eventually), but we’ve still got that other 3 leftover, not to mention a sheet of stickers not used to mark the indoor part nobody got to, and a nice section of trail nobody but the hares ran.

With the evidence safely washed away by today’s rain, I think Canis & I can now claim that we laid a perfectly good trail yesterday, and the fact that the pack of half blind half minds over-zenned and jumped a section of trail, necessitating the hares having to rescue them from approaching a back check from the wrong direction is purely their own fault. Having already done a down-down for it, that’s my story and I’m sticking to it. 😎

I still had fun, and I hope you all did. After all, how often do you get cookies on trail fresh from the oven? If I ever lay another trail near the grad tower, there will be clear and obvious marks there… leading to a back check 5,133.

-Big Piles

Dutifully reporting on HVH3 Run #147

Having forgotten I was supposed to be remembering things and/or writing them down, as Acting Substitute Scribe in the absence of Anti-Cock, I am now attempting to reconstruct the evening’s events based on my own and others’ hastily scribbled notes, vague recollections, and perhaps a few outright lies to fill in at least some of the gaps. In other words, nothing outside the usual. So:

HVH3 Run #147: Canis Lickus Gets a Birthday Lay
Thursday, June 1, 2006, 18:00 HST
Cadwell Memorial Forest in Pelham or thereabouts

Hare: Canis Lickus, for his birthday lay

The Pack, as far as I can decipher and/or remember:
Yeasty Boy
THNFKA Just Drew
Comes On Vacation
Have A Tit For Humanity
Sodom Me!
Just Jason
Just Brian
Just Erin
Marquis de Brokeback
Just TJ
Just Dan
Burning Bush
Just Emily
Virgin Kelly
Virgin Erich (with an actual “h” at the end, unlike Anti-CocKKK)
Virgin Hound Titan
Just Jim
Hand Job?
Big Piles
And a visitor from afar – I’ve forgotten where – Madrid?: Just Thariq

Late-cummer: Anti-Cock-with-a-K showed up for the On-After at The Hangar.

After introductions and chalk talk, our illustrious GM Canis Lickus took off to live-hare a trail (fully dressed, rather than in his birthday suit as would have seemed more appropriate). The 6.9 minute cranium start was generously calculated as the approximate time required for the pack to warm up with our equally illustrious RA COV leading us in hash aerobics of both “Father Birmingham” and “Hey, My Name Is Joe”, not that we wanted much warm up in that humidity.

Trail went, uh, through the woods. Sometimes on well-worn trails and sometimes through a good dose of shiggy. There were several well-placed checks, and on multiple occasions the latter part of the pack gratefully encountered FRBs returning from check-backs, but the hare was true to his word that trail marks would actually be visible, acceding to the whiners who got lost on Run #146. The first beer check came at a lovely screen house which kept out all the bugs except the ones small enough to fit through the missing piece where some of us also entered. After quaffing a variety of canned & bottled goods (Boddington’s & a chocolate stout among others) we set off after the hare again, and trail eventually brought us to beer check #2 at a cemetery where we paid respects to some fallen Civil War folks and some fallen trees, by polishing off a few growlers of BBC.

On returning to the start point there was much business to be conducted at the circle.

The hare was regaled with “Shitty Trail” as well as a rousing chorus of “Happy Birthday F*ck You”.

As to welcoming our virgins, it should be noted that Hand Job? had made several unsuccessful attempts in the past to make Virgin Erich cum, but I’m happy to say I was able to make Virgin Kelly cum on the first try. Canis Lickus, by virtue of his name, proxied for their Virgin Hound Titan. Virgin Erich seemed non-committal about getting off on the bus. Virgin Kelly, being of overly scientific mind, needed a little assistance to come up with “ate something” for the square root of 69, but at least didn’t go as far as asking how many significant digits we wanted, as happened recently with another virgin who shall remain nameless because I forget who it was. In any case, the assembled circle decided that their standards were in fact low enough to be part of the Happy Valley Hashers.

It was noted at introductions that there were a lot of “Justs” in the assembled group, so some namings may be due, but at least one of them is a “Just” no more. Just Drew was not named Comes From Behind, Leatherneck, Oral Massager, Scrotum Stroker, Scrotum Stomper, Reach Around, or the ever-popular Cum-Guzzling Crack Whore. He was named, and shall henceforth be known in the hash as, “Purdy Mouth”.

I believe it was around this time that the neighborhood watch politely asked us to keep it down, and wrote down our licence plate numbers. Whether this was for future police action or if they were just stuck for ideas in solving their Sudoku puzzles, we’ll hopefully never know. If any further action was taken, it was after we had departed for The Hangar.

Several HVH3ers who had already been given names in recent times were given official hash whistles, including Sodom Me!, Have A Tit, Marquis de Brokeback, Burning Bush, and yours truly, Big Piles. Sodom Me! seemed particularly offended that up to now I have been wearing an actual river rescue whistle at the hash, so I think I’ll have to use both from now on.

Down-downs were awarded to Yeasty Boy for a widely witnessed Hash Crash on trail, I forget who for backsliding, and most interestingly, to the three-way of Burning Bush, Just Jim, and Just Dan, for a combination of clothing issues as follows:

Just Dan showed up in a r… r… race shirt, so Burning Bush gave him her shirt.
Just Jim used the excuse of coming direct from work with no appropriate running attire in order to get into Burning Bush’s pants. (Note to self: try this line on her at Buffett Pre-lewd). This left Burning Bush as the one running buck-naked, instead of our birthday hare, which to my mind is preferable anyway. (BB, contact me to arrange terms to prevent distribution of incriminating pictures amongst your co-workers.)

And finally, the Hash Shit was re-awarded to Canis Lickus for forgetting to take the Hash Shit with him on trail.

HVH3 #148, Buffett Pre-pre-lewd, Thursday, June 15th, 18:00 HST, probably Groff Park in Amherst, hared by the probably clothed Burning Bush, but one can always hope, or claim to need her shirt.

Buffett Weekend!!!!!, June 16-17-18, Wendell State Forest:
HVH3 #149, Buffett Pre-lewd, Friday June 16, 18:00 HST, Wendell State Forest, hared by Anti-CocKKK (pub crawl to both Millers Falls bars?).
HVH3 #150!, BUFFETT V, Saturday June 17, 14:00 HST, Wendell State Forest, hared by COV & CL.

Hares needed June 29, July 13, July 27. (I could probably do one of the latter two; I’ll be away in Utah 6/29)

Submitted with all due respect, which ain’t sayin’ much in this crowd,
-Big Piles, Acting Substitute Scrawler

HVH3 No.151

Happy Valley No. 151 or “The Marquis deux Brokeback Pops His Cherry at Haring”

June 29,2006 – Amherst, Mass.

The Hares:
The Marquis de Brokeback and co-hare Sodom Me!

The Pack:
Dewey Do Me!, Anti-cock, Comes On Vacation, Cainus Lickus, Just Jim, Burning Bush, Just Carli, Just Brian, Just Erin, Just Dan

Virgin Jenn, Virgin Matt

Pig F#cker, McCavity ( both of the Halve Mein HHH )

Hash Hounds:
Zuni, Face F#cker, & La La ( from Halve Meins)

Latecummer / Stealth Hasher:
Gag Me w/ a Res-erection

Total: 17 hashers and 3 hash hounds, and that’s not counting the Asian guy coaxed to almost join us at beercheck No. 2.

The SP for the Hash was Chez Sodom Me! The skies were threatening thunderstorm, but the weather improved as the circle gathered. The Marquis did a chalk talk for the Virgins, and mysteriously already had baptized the trail with his blood. Trail commenced with almost all of the pack taking a not so long false into the woods on that trail next to Sodom Me!’s abode. Folks came back to a check out front and started looking. True Trail went west towards Rte 63 but then cut left, down an embankment, an into the meadow above Puffer’s Pond. Trail then went down to the parking lot and cut left and then up onto the rocks above the Puffers Pond waterfall for beercheck no.1. Nice, scenic views.Song sung was “Free Beer For All The Hashers”

After the beercheck, trail went across the street into the network of trails along the stream that goes into the Mill River Park. There was a Turkey/ Eagle split that split the pack, but everyone joined back up again for beercheck No. two, which was located on a cliff sort of a thing above the stream across from Mill River Park. Some of the pack frolic’ed in the stream and started impromptu wet tee shirts going. A jogger was accosted to join us, and almost did, I think it was the sight of a half nekkid, beer slurping, PF’er that chased him away. Perhaps??

Trail then went back into that network of trails in the woods and snaked back to Puffers Pond, via some ass-fault and a new housing area. Trail led to the first beach at Puffers Pond and “aweigh” in the distance, in the middle of the pond was a bright green sign that read, “BH” An overacheiver or two swam out and retrieved the buoy, but the real check was right there on the beach in the form of quarts of gin & tonics!!! The downs were down-downed, and that led to a Charlie Foxtrot in the water, most everyone cavorting and splashing, tossing midgets, and all… At this juncture, Gag Me showed up and hung with the pack. I think she left when the pack moved on.

Trail then swung around the backside of Puffers Pond and then back to Sodom Me’s. Nice trail for a virgin lay.

The Circle:
The Hares were sung the S-H-I-T-T-Y, T-R-A-I-L song.

Visitors were next in. Pig F#cker & McCavity were sung, “They Are Hashers, Thru & Thru” They replied with, “Le Popier” ( Hey, F#ck the French, I don’t know how to spell that one.)

Then Virgins:
Virgin Matt hails from some place called Framingham, his favorite barnyard animal is a horse, and he would have sex with one. ( “Mr. Head” )

Virgin Jenn hails from Westboro ( which is east of here, I think) She was quite well coached, or just very good at math ’cause she knew the sq. root of 69. She was also quite excited by the prospect of being on the Northampton Cross-town bus.

After all pertinent info was extracted from the virgins ( both sponsored, I believe by Burning Bush) they were sung, “Pizsonya”.

FRB was Just Jim and DFL was Anti-Cock, and when one scribe drinks all scribes drink, so McCavity joined us, then since Just Jim was an overacheiver, then all overachievers had to drink, and then all GMs got in there too. I forget what song was sung.

Then- It was HVH3 backsliders who missed Buffett V. This was Just Dan, Just Jim, and Just Brian.

Then, Accusations:
Hash Crash- Sodom Me! ( Fell over the beer cooler at Check No. 2)
Blood on Trail- Marquis
Getting Roto-Rootered – Anti-Cock (Unmentionable), Just Erin (splaying herself on barbed wire)

There was a social, ’cause “Flutter’s …!”

I had to do a down down for getting drunk and nekkid at Kasperkill, and Brokeback had to join me cause he’s the Marquis de Brokeback

Then everybody who pissed, laid cable, and a social had to do a down down.

Hashit Proxy was me for Madame Flutterby, then voting was , Just Erin, Marquis, and me. Narrowed down to Erin & Me, I got it somehow.

Matching Shirts: PF’er, COV, Sodom Me! – We sang ’em “Wack It Off”

Buffet VI – June, 2007
PF’er’s B-Day July 1st (w/ a down down)
Burning Bush’s B-Day Hash August 3rd.
Happy Valley Regatta, soon…
Next Hash – Two weeks
PA Interhash Sept 29 – Oct 1st, Harrisburg.
Shay’s Rebellion Full Moon Hash – Tuesday, July 11th SP Millers Falls.

Run #148 Hash Trash

What’s that smell, you ask? It’s what a hash trash smells like after it sits around for 6 weeks. Read it and weep.

HVH3 Run #148, Buffett Pre-pre-lewd

Convened at Groff Park in Amherst, Thursday 6/15/2006, 18:00 HST

Burning Bush

Obliterating the double-digit ceiling once again, I believe there were 17 HVH3 (including the 2 virgins), 2 illustrious visitors, and 3 hash hounds (including 1 virgin).
Comes On Vacation
Canis Lickus
Purdy Mouth
Le Marquis de Brokeback
Big Piles
Sodom Me!
Just Jose – wanker
Just Brian
Just Jason
Virgin Darleen
Virgin Karlie
Hand Job?
Anti-Cock with a K (officially as of the Buffett V renaming)
Just Jim
Just Caroline
Have A Tit For Humanity

Visitors – Spank Bank & Pig Fucker, both of Halve Mein H3. Good thing McCavity didn’t show, because I said I’d never mention him in a Happy Valley Hash Trash again. D’oh!

Hounds – Face Fucker, Cock Blocker, Virgin Denali

Late-cummers – Just TJ, Just Erin (since named How Many Licks)

After a warm-up with Father Birmingham and some tense negotiations between Virgin Hound Denali and Hash Hound Face Fucker, trail started off well enough, but before long confusion reigned. I’m still not entirely sure what happened, but Buffett V, a two week vacation in Utah, and getting fairly inebriated at the Green River Festival all occurred between the run and this writing, so certain important brain cells may be missing in action.

Apparently the pack missed a river crossing at a check, and came to a true trail arrow which the hare had to tell us we shouldn’t have seen until later in the trail. We back-tracked a bit to a check, and found that trail crossed the river, but on the other side we found another check.

From that point, we searched long & hard for trail, but only found two marks leading away. I understand Pig Fucker found a true trail arrow to the left of the check, pointing in the wrong direction, indicating we had probably lost trail earlier than we thought. Unfortunately, by the time he found it the pack had already zenned its way from the second mark right of the check, across several miles of untracked shiggy (OK, maybe that’s a slight exaggeration), to find what should have been a later section of trail. I was quite sure we were not where we should have been, but there wasn’t much to be done about it at that point.

A bit later, after another river crossing during which those who enjoy such things were treated to the sight of Anti-Cock with a K’s kilt-less butt, we arrived at a Jack Daniels check next to a foot bridge that looks like it won’t be standing for much longer. Here the hare informed us that we had in fact lost trail and missed a beer check. She also let us know the only reason the trail crossed the river at a chest-deep spot was that she had to cross it when she was scouting trail and she didn’t want to be the only one. The pack split, some going back with the hare to the missed beer check, and some continuing onward across the bridge from the JD check. Confusion continued to rear its ugly cranium, and eventually the portion of the pack I was with returned to the start.

A portion of the portion that went back to the beer check would have been a group of DFL’s, but were picked up for a bit of auto-hashing by late-comers Just TJ & Just Erin. Their lame-ass excuse of being arrested floated for a bit before being revealed as a pack of lies and sinking to the bottom of whichever river crossing you prefer. The rest of the pack, along with the hare, eventually showed up as well.

Lost on trail for a bit was Purdy Mouth, who was last heard saying, “Don’t wait for me, I know where I am.” He eventually showed up at the start, sans the new shoes we were going to make him drink from. The total number of crimes against the hash on this run was astronomical, but the intentional ditching of the shoes and getting lost on trail in the process earned Purdy Mouth the Hash Shit.

Other items from circle:
Virgin Darleen – Burning Bush made her come. Her somewhat overly precise and yet still inaccurate answer to the square root of 69 was “8.2”

Virgin Karlie – Claimed someone named “Hossein” made her come. If she found herself on the proverbial bus full of lesbians, she said she would indeed get off.

Virgin Hound Denali – Virgin Karlie made her come (there’s an interesting mental picture). Virgin Hound Denali was asked no questions, but spontaneously demonstrated her oral technique, plunging her snout into a vessel of our favorite beverage to consume the contents, suggesting to this humble scribe that any dog who likes beer that much was meant to be a hash hound.

Item found on trail – A bong, found by Spank Bank

Violations – far too many to keep track of, but a couple of my favorites were blood not quite on trail for Anti-Cock with a K, as he managed to cut himself opening a beer can prior to circle, and our very own RA, Comes On Vacation, calling Sodom Me! and yours truly, Big Piles, by our nerd names. I attribute this to her being distracted by the fact that tonight’s trail put Burning Bush dangerously close to being in competition for COV’s “Shiggus Maximus” title. I attribute AC’s cutting himself on a beer can to lack of practice. No, wait, that can’t be it.

Just Jason had been whining about wanting to be named because he was moving to Florida, so the hash obliged by passing up the suggestions of Brace Fucker, Rated AARRRRRRR, Medium P???(something I can’t decipher from my notes), and the ever popular Wayne Campbell’s Chocolate Starfish. Surprisingly enough, he was named Cum Guzzling Crack Whore, partly because we knew he was moving away, and the general consensus is that we don’t care what they call the bastard in Florida. But that lasted all of 30 seconds or so, as he was doused with blue chalk and arose from his knees to an instantaneous re-naming to become Papa Smurrrrrf. We also understand that later that evening, still covered in beer and blue chalk, and driving a rental car, he tried to evade a police car that was attempting to pull him over, by turning down a side street, into a random driveway, and turning off the engine and lights. Moments later the officer knocked on the driver side window and asked our hero if he was trying to get away from him. This could have put a crimp in his plans to move to Florida, but the officer received an emergency radio call, handed back the license and registration, and proclaimed him the luckiest guy in town. All the rental car company wanted to know was why the driver side craniumrest and seat were blue.

And so ends another excruciatingly long and yet inaccurate and uninformative hash trash. My day’s work is done.

-Big Piles, Associate Scribe

The Other Run #154

This was posted to the mailing list AFTER the next hash trash, regardless of when the trail actually occurred.

Will the real Run #154 please stand up? If the numbers on the web site are correct, and I think they are, counting from Buffett, Burning Bush’s Birthday Lay last night was actually Run #155. Here’s an approximation of the hash trash for the previous run, the real #154. I think. By the way, I forgot I was scribing, so the usual illegibly scribbled and water-smudged notes are entirely non-existent. This is reconstructed from memory and physical evidence gathered at the scene, analyzed by a team of forensics experts.

The Other Happy Valley H3 Run #154

Convened 1800 HST, 7/27/06, at Atkins Reservoir in Amherst.

Hare: Canis Lickus

Comes On Vacation
Le Marquis de Brokeback
How Many Licks?
Big Piles
Just Kelly
Hash Hound Titan

Apparently Burning Bush was waiting for me at my house, or at least COV’s cell phone thought so. Multiple attempts to speed dial BB rang the phone at my house instead. Had I only known, it could have been a very different evening… But Burning Bush remained among the missing and we struggled valiantly on without her. There was a brief wave of nostalgia as we realized the Happy Valley H3 had returned to its earlier days of single digit packs. It was soon replaced with derogatory thoughts of all you wankers who didn’t show up. Wait ’til you read what happened. You’ll be sorry you missed it.

After a brief chalk talk, the pack warmed up with Father Birmingham, giving our live hare the traditional cranium start of approximately 6.9 minutes.

Trail began out the main trail from the parking area, but quickly came to a back check six, sending us most of the way back to the start. Our hare set a good number of checks and false trails, and though the pack was small, we were a wily bunch, and deciphered true trail leading us through the woods, roughly circling around to the far side of the reservoir to the first beer check. It was a beautiful evening for a hash, in spite of being a bit humid, and the beer check could not have been better located. On a small point of land, amongst the trees, with a nice breeze, we lingered substantially longer than required, enjoying a couple of our favorite beverages. The ladies in the pack seemed to enjoy the two guys who had been swimming nearby when we invited them to join us for a beer. One of them had some horrible muscle deformity that we were too polite to ask about, but if I’m not mistaken, it was a bad case of Hypergymnasioliftus. His deformity didn’t seem to bother How Many Licks?, who referred to them later as “those two hotties”.

Not to be outdone, the gentlemen invited some eye candy of our own. Having spotted the Swedish Women’s Volleyball team skinny-dipping nearby, we quietly stole their clothes and then informed them that swimming in the reservoir was frowned upon by the local authorities, and they had best come join us for a beer at once.

Sadly, hash hound Titan was left without female canine companionship, and lay down next to a tree and licked himself.

A day or so passed in pleasant conversation and gratuitous sexual activity.  At some point the hare left to lay the rest of the trail, but we were unmotivated to follow. Under the circumstances, there was little danger of us catching him. Eventually the beer and condoms both ran out, so we decided to move on, and tracked our hare through a long stretch of significant but not horrendous shiggy, and found him waiting patiently for us at the 2nd beer check, where he had kept himself busy by building a tasteful two-story tree house with some nice shrubbery out front and a crushed stone pathway to the entry ladder. The Swedish Women’s Volleyball Team moved in, and, to the best of my knowledge, is still living there. One of these days we’ll have to go return their clothes. From there, trail continued on a somewhat circuitous route back to the start point, where we discovered it had actually only been a couple of hours since we started, adding fuel to the persistent yet unproven rumors of a time warp in the vicinity of Atkins Reservoir.

At circle, the hare was regaled with “Shitty Trail”. I understand that it’s traditional to abuse the hare and put down his trail, but, aw, shucks, I kinda liked it.

Uh, we all did down-downs for something. Don’t remember what the violations were, except for CL and me both having Buffett V shirts on. I think the information was still intact in my brain until last night’s On After following Burning Bush’s Birthday Lay, but the combination of an intervening hash and only sleeping four hours last night seems to have removed it. I do remember that the Hash Shit was nowhere to be seen, nor was the current holder, so it was awarded to Anti-Cock-with-a-K in absentia. Hash Shit for life!

On-after was slated to be at The Harp, but when we arrived they told us the kitchen was closed. Some of us were definitely in need of food, so we re-convened at The Hangar for wings and a bit of our favorite beverage. I seem to remember something happening there, but I don’t remember what. Feel free to make up your own story. It will fit right in with the rest of this hash trash.

Disrespectfully submitted, with some assistance from COV regarding memories of the Swedish Women’s Volleyball Team,

– Big Piles, Second Assistant Undersecretary to the Scribe

HVH3 No.154 (?)

Happy Valley No. 154 ( Give or take a hash number)

August 3rd, 2006

Hare: Burning Bush ’cause it was her birthday { Happy Birthday – F#CK YOU!!!}

Where: [Start] Pelham Meetinghouse and the trail network behind it.

The HVH3 Faithful:
Blow My Pipes ( Uh Huh, yer reading that right!), Anti-Cock, Just Kelly, Just Emily, Comes On Vacation, Cainus Lickus, Yeasty Boy, Marquis De Broke Back, Big Piles, Just Jennifer, Just Matt, Nanodick

Spank Bank & Pig F#cker from the Halve Meins. Tight Lips from the H5 ( Harrisburg / Hershey),

Dr. Flatus from the Morgantown, West Virginia H3. Masternator from the Worcester H3.

Pete, who was made to cum by Burning Bush.

Yer scribe had just spent 5 1/2 hours driving north from Long Beach Island in South Jersey and was afraid I might miss the start of the hash. So, I took the shortest route from Wendell to the Pelham Meetinghouse, which means I traversed Meetinghouse Lane. Ergo, I spotted some pre-laid hashmarks along the way. Oops, sorry ’bout that BB. But as I turned into the parking lot I was pleasantly surprised to see Blow My Pipes, the founder of the Happy Valley Hash, with a shit eating grin on his face…Face! – Who said, “Face!”

There in the lot was a large crowd of hashers. Regular pack members, new faces, visitors and backsliders, like me. A nice turnout for Burning Bush’s Birthday Hash.

The virgin among us, Pete, was called into the circle to be administered the chalk talk from Burning Bush. She showed all the usual marks and explained that, ” BH does not necessarily mean BEER HERE!, it could mean “BEVERAGE HERE” – oh oh, last time she did that it was a Jack Daniels check.

Cainus Lickus led the assembled masses in a rousing rendition of Father Abraham with Pig F#cker and Spank Bank adding some colorful lyrics to the well known hymn. Just Kelly’s dog, in a frenzy of pre-hash jubilation, started knocking over cans of Rolling Rock, obviously a beer snob dog – just like the rest of us.

Then it was off in pursuit of beer and hash marks. Trail diverged from it’s usual well-worn path down Meetinghouse Lane and this time went east into a dense thicket of pine trees, shrubs and intense shiggy. Luckily the pack also had to contend with high temps, high humidity and mosquitoes. The shiggy was really tough to traverse, it led down hill to a ravine with a stream. The stream bed was filled with slippery, moss covered stones.The hash marks were concealed amongst the stones, so the only way to be sure you were on trail was to either get in the water, or to closely monitor the marks from the banks. All the while the stream bed was climbing a grade to beercheck number one, which was right below the dam on the upper Amherst water reservoir. The check consisted of two growlers of BBC Steel Rail Pale Ale. Piggy F#cker decided to test the waters, and went frolicking in the water. ( Little did we know that we wouldn’t see him again until the circle…)


Trail then went uphill, and followed a ridge west towards Meeting House Lane. After the trail croosed the road, it zigged and zagged westerly along the north bank of the steam, eventually meandering up to the rockslide pool on the upper brook. Here was the “beverage check.” The check consisted of a frosty cold bottle of Jaeger Meister. At the pool, almost everybody went in for a dip. Comes On Vacation was almost taken out of play by Just Kelly’s dog, who decided to try the rockslide into the water. Unfortunately the dog forgot to yell, “Lookout below!” before plowing into COV.

Trail then crossed the lower stream and took the south bank back to the lower reservoir. Here was beercheck number two, or beverage check number three. (This was in the same place as the combined Flutter Graduation / Anti-Coch birthday cake – champagne check of two years ago.) Dr Flattus and Anti-Coch went for a swim in the thermoclines of the reservoir. The top 18 inches of the water were hot, and the lower levels were really cold. It felt kinda neat.

Trail then took the shortest route back to A. ( Up Mtg. House Lane)

The Circle:
The light quickly dissapated and it made taking notes difficult. Here’s what I have:

Hare Song for BB was SHITTY TRAIL. Comments about trail included, “Not Enough Shiggy”, “I almost poked my eye out with a sharp stick”, and “Not Enough Jaegermeister”

The visitors sang Jack the Necrophiliac, led by BMP. {BTW, that was a really sick song}

Virgin Pete was thoroughly demented by COV. I couldn’t hear what he said for favorite barnyard animal. Asked by Yeasty Boy what the square root of sixty-four was he barely had time to blurt out 8 before half the pack began hurling insults at Yeasty for saying 64 instead of 69!!!! If he found himself on a busload of well dressed homosexuals, he would get himself off in his pants. ( Hey, I can’t make this stuff up , that’s what he said.)

FRBs, DFLs, and other accusations ( Like the Marquis for missing that his tags were firmly planted on the hashit for like three weeks since the Sunderland hash) all were made to do down downs.

A special belated birthday social was called in honor of monday’s Gispert’s birthday.

The nominations for hashit were:
Marquis de Brokeback for something or other. Blow My Pipes for backsliding or something. Anti-Coch for some trumped up charge, Comes on Vacation for something or other, and somebody else for something else. COV was the one chosen with this honor by an overwhelmingly loud vote from the pack. BMP was asked to help cleanse the hashit vessel since he was the one to create our still original hashit. Then

Anti-Coch did the traditional passing of the hashit down down and then COV did her accepatnce down down.

Then it was hash announcements:
There will be a Halve Mein BASH on saturday. I believe the Hare is Dirt Bag. Check their website or NortheastHashing.com for details. ( a BASH is a bicycle hash)

The Next Shays Rebellion Full Moon hash will be Thursday night, August 10th. Hare will be Sodom Me! He promises to post the particulars by Monday.This is one day past the full moon but this way we can road trip to the Albany Full Moon Hash.

The Next HVH3 hash will be the following Thursday night.

The On In was held at the hanger in Amherst, Mass. I left at about 10:30 because of the barrage of food and beer soaked napkins that were flying back and forth from Sodom Me & How Many Licks’ table towards ours and vice-versa. I thought it only a matter of time before we got thrown out or mauled by some drunk with a beer stained splot on his forehead, HEAD – Who Said Head!!!!!!!!!

Late Cummers: Sodom Me! & How Many Licks

Respectfully Submitted,
By Yer Scribble,

Happy Valley No. 158 | “Eunice Williams Memorial Hash”

Greenfield , Massachusetts – August 17th, 2006

Hare: G-Funk’s own, Big Piles

The hash start was at the intersection of Eunice Williams Drive and Green River / Plain Road.

Hash start time was supposed to be 1800HRs, but due to some malingerers and latecummers we never started on trail until 1845HRs.

The Pack:
Just Amanda, Just Nancy, Just Darlene, Purdy Mouth, How Many Licks?, Sodom Me!, Dewey Do Me!, Anticock, Comes On Vacation, Burning Bush, Cainus Lickus, and hash hound Just Cody.

( Just Darlene, Just Nancy, Just Amanda, could you e-mail the scribe -me- and lemme know how many hashes you’ve been to? I should be jotting this down at the hashes, but oops!)

Virgin Scott

Just Michael

Conspicuous Backsliders not present and racking up copius quantitties of beery down downs:
Cajonas, Madame Flutterby, Marquis de Brokeback, Hand Job? Col. Mustard, Insignificant Digit, Mr. Hankey, Wet Spot, Have a Tit, et al…

Big Piles explained the hash marks to those assembled and especially to Virgin Scott. Most of the marks were of the well-known variety, but some hadn’t been seen in awhile. Those being: Nipple Checks, back checks, and a new one – “Dead Chick Check”, which in Big Piles’ lexicon somehow equated to a beer check.

Having completed the mission briefing, Big Piles axed for a 6.9 minute cranium start. Cainus Lickus, who had finally completed a cross-country trip from Shutesbury or Amherst or something by way of Hoboken, led the pack in a tribute to Father Birmingham and Joe from the button factory. The farmer haying his field had a look of bewilderment on his face as he was driving his tractor and watching the assembled pack look like a convention of epileptics preparing for a run.

The magic hour finally arrived and the pack was off driving north hard on Green River Road into Leyden. After approximately .69 miles there was a clusterf#ck on trail. A whichyway had most of the pack make a right and down a steep slope towards the Green River. Cainus Lickus opted left and followed trail up the Green River Road, sort of, but then he lost contact with the hashmarks. The pack followed some marks along the river and then crossed over the river and found hashmarks and a true trail mark. This trail was up a steep slippery slope above the Green River but soon enough came out to a Dead Chick Check next to memorials erected to the memory of Eunice Williams. Eunice Williams was the wife of Reverend Williams of Deerfield, who after a February, 1704 raid by Mohawk tribal members and their French ( F#ck the French!) allies killed DFLs who couldn’t keep up the pace on a forced march to Montreal.

Meanwhile, Cainus Lickus returned from his pursuit of hash to catch the tailend of the DFLs. After some consultations and checking, true trail(?) was spotted and all made it to the Dead Chick check for a beer and to take in the scenery of a covered bridge and a waterfall. But when the beer was finished, no more hash marks were found in any direction. Plus, the hare had said he’d meet us at the beer check. He wasn’t there and the light was disappating quickly. We began to suspect that a turn or two might have been overlooked at the clusterf#ck. We opted to follow Eunice Williams Drive back to “A”.

At the start, Sodom Me! volunteered to go check trail again to see if he could find Big Piles and MORE BEER. He was joined in this pursuit by Just Nancy, Just Darlene and Virgin Scott. The rest of us opted to stay at “A” and finish off some frosty cold Genesee Cream Ale.

Sodom Me! found the hare waiting patiently at the first beer check with a cooler of growlers and some other beers. They came back as did the others for circle.

The Circle:
Comments about the trail ranged from,”Not Enough Water!”, “Started Too Late!”, “Not Enough Poison Ivy!”, ” Not Enough River Crossings!” to “Not Enough Nipple Checks!” The Hare was sung the SHITTY TRAIL song.

Next was Virgin Scott. He is from Maine by way of UNH and now lives in Northampton. He was made to cum by Just Darlene. His favorite barnyard animal is a sheep, and he would have sex with one. Ergo, “SheepF#cker!” He thought the square root of sixty-nine was 7.5. He failed math for the day. Just Darlene demonstarted a proper beer down down for the virgin. He was oded with “Joy to Your Mother” Virgin no more, Just Scott.

Latecummers & Backsliders were next on the chopping block. This included, Just Amanda, Just Nancy, Purdy Mouth, and Just Darlene. They were sung, “Hashers, Meet The Hashers.”

Then it was FRB,& FBI – Sodom Me! was FRb and Just Nancy was FBI. They were sung, “Them, F#ck Them!”

Same shirt violaters were braces of: Anti-Cock and Dewey Do Me!, Burning Bush and Sodom Me!

Cainus Lickus and Comes On Vacation, Big Piles and Purdy Mouth. ( Or some combination there of, sort of…It was getting real dark and I was taking notes by flashlight thingy.) No haberdashery went to How Many Licks?

Racing apparel – Just nacy, Spilled Beer – Purdy Mouth, Maing Us miss a beercheck – Big Piles, Getting caught signing up for the DC Red Dress Hash and the PA Interhash under an abbreviated hash name, me.

I found some trail treasure along the bank of the Green River consisting of a dayglow orange dog bone. But when I went to hand it off to the current holder of the hashit, Cainus Lickus, the hashit was not in his possession!!! He was nominated again for the Hashit. He also self-incrimminated himself as deserving the hashit. But I was also nominated for hashit because of registering for two hashes using an abbreviated AC versus my full hash name. The voting was rigged, as it usually is, and I won the hashit, but it couldn’t be properly handed off according to the ancient ritual, because it wasn’t there! Song sung was “Rollback.”

Next Hash will be Thursday night, August 31st. Hare will be Anticock. Time and location will be announced.

Begin thinking about nominations for our first annual AGM, probably to be held in conjunction with a Christmas / Holiday Party. Also, lets begin a discussion about a holiday party.

There is a Going Away party for Bodsa & McCavity and a prelube hash at 11:00 a.m. saturday morning in East Greenbush, N.Y. The party starts at something like 1345HRs or 1400HRs saturday at the the Bodsa & McCavity Ranch. Erections are something like, Take whatever route you wanna to Rte 20 west in East Greenbush. Turn left onto Ridge Road. go a coupla blocks and make a right onto Linden. Park where you see all the drunk hashers ( corner house). Bring a dish or dessert.

The On In:
The On In was held at the People’s Pint on Federal Steet in Greenfield. The People’s Pint is a microbrewey with a great atmosphere and good munchies. We were met there by latecummer, Just Michael. There was a four piece Jazz band playing. I ( Anti-cock) was pleasantly surprised to see an old friend from Jonathan Dayton HS ( Springfield, NJ ) circa 1975 vintage, playing in the band.

We sat, drank some more, ate some and gave free earwashes to many of the harriettes, except the one who is wise to our antics and will probably start wearing earmuffs to all future hashes, Just Darlene. Hmmmm? Is there a name in there somehow???

That’s All Folks!


HVH3 #159

Hash Trash, HVH3 Run #159, 8/31/2006, Belchertown

The hash convened in Belchertown, just off Route 9, next to the Swift River just below where it exits Quabbin Reservoir, at 18:00 HST, except for the AOW visitors showing up late enough to miss the chalk talk and start. Come on people, even the cops showed up before half of the pack.

Hare: Anti-Cock with a K

(HVH3) Big Piles, Just Kelly, Comes On Vacation, Canis Lickus, Burning Bush

(Halve Meins) – Pig F*cker, Nice Snatch, Amazon.cum (It was clearly established that Amazon has forsaken the Boston hash and sworn allegiance to the Halve Meins).

(Auburn/Oxford/Woostah, all latecummers) – Black Hole, Masternator, Comes Half Way, Just Nate, another Just… Chris maybe?

(Fort Useless Virginia, also latecummers) – Massage This, Blow My Pipes (both rumored to be moving back to this area soon).

Others in attendance: 3 Belchertown police officers, 2 Massachusetts state troopers, 1 great blue heron, 1 beaver.

Apparently someone drove by the start and saw an out of control, rowdy, and very dangerous crowd of at least three people standing around having a beer, and decided to call the police. This being the biggest crime in the area all day, three Belchertown police cruisers paid us a visit, and two state police cruisers (one unmarked) from the barracks across the street stopped by to see if they could get in on the action. I’m sure they were all a bit disappointed. One of them asked Anti-cock with a K for his ID, and asked if anyone had been drinking here. We looked around at the can of Schaefer on the bumper (I didn’t know they still made that stuff), and the growler of BBC sitting on the ground, and said, “Why no ossifer, we haven’t dreen binking.” Well, OK, we didn’t say that, but we did look at the beer can & growler and decided there was no plausible deniability. ACwK explained that we were a running club and a few people had a beer before they started out on the trail. The nice officer asked where we were running and AC explained everything to his satisfaction. He asked us to put away the evidence, not drink there anymore, and left us in peace.

Meanwhile, trail went down the road a short distance before turning left to cross over (i.e., through) the Swift River and came back up the other side toward the reservoir, crossing route 9. At some point it crossed back through the river and went off into the woods. There were rumors of a large poison ivy patch. That’s about all I know about the trail, since I was on injured reserve with a torn meniscus in my left knee and didn’t actually go on trail. The latecummers arrived at about the time the pack went out of sight after the second river crossing, and AC & I directed them toward the remaining trail. All went off in pursuit, but Massage This returned shortly, having given up in favor of sitting with AC and yours truly at the start. It was around this time that we saw a beaver. Draw your own conclusions.

The pack eventually made it back to the start and we mostly piled into Just Kelly’s van to move circle up the road and into the woods a bit so as not to disturb the sensitive locals and generate yet another visit by the local constabulary. It seems unlikely they would have been quite as nice the second time around, with a much larger group and a full cooler of beer.

FRB was Pig F*cker
FBI was Just Kelly
DFL was Amazon (after going back to retrieve stuff left on trail)

Many other down-downs were handed out, including all the latecummers, Amazon and Massage This in honor of their first ever HVH3 hash, masternator for alcohol abuse, Amazon for stuff left on trail, Burning Bush for being so drunk earlier in the week that she couldn’t get into her house even though she had her keys and then got stuck going in through the window, Canis Lickus for pissing during circle, Amazon for too much clothing. Black Holes new looking shoes were carefully analyzed, and failed the gravity test, so he was made to drink from them. And what of the hash shit? Where was the hash shit? Previously awarded to Canis, he failed to have it on trail, and was given a double down-down and re-awarded the hash shit for the offense. There must have been other violations, because I know I did one for something, but details are lost to the mists of time.

The on-in was held at McCarthy’s, a pseudo-Irish pub next to the Belchertown common. We took over the outdoor deck and proceded to be the rowdiest crowd to not get thrown out of the establishment in years. Many songs were sung, thanks especially to PF and Snatch. Nice Snatch even managed to Alouette one of the non-hasher patrons from inside who came out to see what the hell was going on. Apparently they’re not used to seeing people have that much fun in that town, but with a name like Belchertown, who can blame them for being a little down.

Respectfully submitted,
Big Piles, Sub-Scribe

HVH3 #160 | SRFMH #4

Hash Trash, Shays Rebellion Full Moon Hash #4 / HVH3 #160, Amherst

The hash convened in the parking lot of Michael’s Billiards at 18:00 HST, and at a combination of the less hostile nearby bank parking lots by about 18:30.

Hare: COV

Pack: Canis Lickus, Sodom-Me!, How Many Licks?, Le Marquis de Brokeback, Just Kelly & hash hound Titan, Big Piles (still on injured reserve), and Virgin Hillary, who asked, “Do you always get in this much trouble at the beginning of a hash?” Continue reading for the events that prompted this question. Notably missing was Anti-Cock with a K, but it’s not like he started the SRFMH… Oh, wait…

The hash got off to a rough start, convening in the parking lot of Michael’s Billiards, soon to be harassed by the proprietor, who told us we couldn’t have beer there. So we put away the beer. He soon returned to interrupt the chalk talk, telling us we couldn’t write on the parking lot. COV was nearly done with the chalk talk, so she finished us off orally and then the hare was away.

The proprietor of Michael’s then threatened to tow our vehicles if we left them there, so we moved them to the other corner of the parking lot, which is now Village Pizza or something. They came out again and said they owned the whole place and would have our vehicles towed if we left them there. Sodom-Me! explained that we would have come in to patronize his establishment after our run, but since he was mean to us we would be going elsewhere to spend our money.

We moved to the two bank parking lots immediately across the street and the pack took off from there, having used up well over 6.9 minutes of the hare’s cranium start without a traditional pack warm-up.

The trail went to places unknown to me for a while due to my limited mobility, but COV gave me a craniums up to the drive-able 2nd beer check, which was at an old abandoned house set well back up a slope from Southeast Street. There was a nice view with an orange full moon rising through some clouds, quite well orchestrated by our hare. Bonus points for aesthetic achievement.

After the second beer check, in a mass case of over-zenning, the entire pack failed to follow trail to the 3rd beer check. The trail actually looped back to the location of the 1st beer check for the 3rd beer check. All became a little suspicious something was seriously wrong when the hare was not found back at any of the start points. This provided the rare circumstance of a live hare being DFL without having been snared, which just goes to show you that strange things happen on a full moon.

Circle was held hiding behind the fence enclosing the trash behind Amherst Crossing, in somewhat hurried fashion due to our exposed location. Speaking of exposure, COV realized a bit too late that she had been facing the security camera for the bank’s drive through ATM while changing her shirt. I’m sure it gave some security person a cheap thrill, and the images are now probably being featured on a porn site somewhere on the web. But it’s not like COV is undergoing a security clearance review or anything… Oh, wait…

FRB was Sodom Me!
FBI was Just Kelly
DFL was the hare

TFG was yours truly, Big Piles (TFG = Too F*cking Gimpy to run trail)

Other violations included cranium gear in circle for COV, blood on trail for How Many Licks, and not having the hash shit on trail, again, for Canis (who plans to bring it to the next hash if he can remember where he hid it).

Virgin Hillary was unclear who made her come, but with some prompting decided it was Le Marquis de Brokeback. The difficulty with which we acquired this information would seem to bring into question whether he made her come at all.

Virgin Hillary would stay on the infamous bus full of lesbians. I’m pretty sure we asked her what her favorite barnyard animal was, but that information cannot currently be located in my notes or my memory. The folks who worked on my knee warned me that there is often a bit of retroactive amnesia from the anesthesia, but it might also be possible to attribute this to recent doses of Percocet or just general lameness of the Sub-Scribe other than what’s wrong with his knee.

In any case, Virgin Hillary was appropriately welcomed to the hash.

The hash shit was awarded in absentia to Anti-Cock with a K for not showing up to the full moon hash which he founded.

On-in was at ABC Upstairs. Hand Job? apparently tried to find us at ABC, but didn’t know there was an upstairs.

Respectfully submitted,
Big Piles, Sub-Scribe

Getting Shown the Highway 161

“Oh Ahm In The Basement, Mixing Up The Medicine, Out On The Pavement, Looking Out For The Government, Aw – Lookout Kids, Yer Gonna Get Hit, God Knows When, But They’re Doing It Again…

…and again, and again, and another Happy Valley Trail Cut Down in It’s Prime by the man in the black and white car…


Or – “Thanks for the warning officer. Beers? [two coolers, one marked 36 Silver Bullets,  everybody with a beer in their hands] What beers?”

Hare: Sodom Me!

The Pack: Comes On Vacation, Cainus Lickus, Anti Cock, Big Piles Marquis de Brokeback, Yeasty Boy, Hand Job?, Just Kelly, How Many Licks?

Hash Hounds: Titan, Zuni, Scruffy ( FF’er )

Latecummer: Officer *** of the Hadley PD

Location, Location, Location:

Un – named trail that leads to the Hadley Reservoir off Bay Road, about half a mile west of Atkins Farm Market. Fresher hash territory.

The hare, Marquis De Brokeback and myself pulled up to the SP at the same time, having met the Hare at The Spirit House in Amherst, where he was just putting the last lugs back on his tire after having gotten a flat tire. We helped the hare carry beers out to his car then drove to the SP.

At the SP one side of the street was marked no parking, so we consciencessly parked on the other side of the trail and parked in a way not blocking access. Of course that was right under some signs that said something to the effect of, “Hadley Permit something or other, Only!”

By the way, it was a beautiful, warm sunny day with temps in the upper 70’s or low 80’s.

As we were unloading beers and the hare was mixing hash flour and chalk, scantily clad girls on bikes were peddling up to the swimming holes and people with dogs were out exercising their dogs, and others passed us making it seem for all the world like a nice place to go for a walk, swim, bike ride, or jog, – or our variation thereof…

Now since the Hare had gotten porked time wise by the flat tire, he asked and we agreed ( Me & the Marquis that is) to set out the beer checks for him. He said there would be three but we got only the vaguest idea of where he meant them to go. We thought we understood that the “Last” Beer Check was optional as it would become the closing circle, so we divided the beers up that way with good beers for the beerchecks and piss beer for the down downs. We set off in the general direction eof trail expecting to follow trail but we didn’t see any hash marks. But lo and behold the hare put a true trail arrow out indicating a turn and soon enough there was the “first” BN by a pond. We set the beer out and camoflaged it well. We searched for further signs of trail but couldn’t find any. We asked a civilian if he had seen the hare and he had. He indicated which way we should go. ( Turns out he is the Cross Country coach for South Hadley High School)

So we ambled along and amazingly found “Beercheck No. 2” by another pond. We set the beer out and camoflaged it. We were now looking at 5 minutes to 1500HRs so we decided to go back to the SP as everyone was supposed to be arriving.

When we got back, hashers were arriving and some of us cracked into the down down beers. The Hare arrived and asked us about the beerchecks. We related the above tale and he gave us the incredulous, “You guys f#cked up Look.” Turns out we had set out beerchecks Numbers two and three, not one and two. Which also means we set out one with good beer, the down down cache was good beers, and the quantitty not quality beer was gonna be beercheck number one. OOps! So the hare & I and Big Piles, who is still recovering from a serious knee injury, decided to set out beercheck number one and hopefully get it there before the pack arrived.

So, The hare did a brief chalk talk becuase there were no virgins for once, and off went the pack. Trail quickly entered the shiggy and started climbing those nasty things called contour lines. This trail by the way was on the side of the ridge of the Holyoke range of mountains south of Rte 9. Big Piles, Sodom Me! and I heard the pack every now and then and luckily we got to the beercheck at about the same time as the FRBs.

The first beercheck was at the site of the Old Cold War alternate SAC HQs for Westover AFB. This is a huge underground bunker, that when originally built was constructed to withstand a “nearby” strike by a nuclear weapon. It currently houses a climate-controlled warehouse for records for Amherst College. We stayed there awhile talking, joking, shooting the breeze, and drinking slightly cold Silver Bullets. Like I previously mentioned it was a beautiful day, just hot enough, really sunny, some breezes, really nice.

Then it was on to the next beer check. Trail went downhill to the Hadley Reservoir. We stayed there a little while, the hash hounds enjoying the water, us drinking beer, when all of sudden you could hear a vehicle climbing the trail. Of course it was a latecummer in a black & white police car. Out climbed Officer ***, a young, sharp looking Hadley officer. His first question was, “How many of you are Hadley residents?” Only Hand Job? could answer with an affirmative. Then he asked whose vehicles were parked at the beginning of the trail. By the way he asked I could tell what I thought was up. I said, Hmmm? by the way you’re asking it sounds like there are a bunch of tow trucks down there.” He said, “Yes, there are five tow trucks” – – -” “Just Kidding…”

He then explained that legally, most of us were trespassing and he could arrest us. He aso noted the apparent surplus of brewskis, which apparently also aren’t allowed there. (Oops!) But he was polite and so were we, once we got HJ! to stop rambling about confusing a dump sticker for a recreation permit…anyway, he made it clear that we were to close up shop and hit the highway (hence the hash title, “Getting Shown the Highway 161”)

So we toted all the remaining beers, grabbed beercheck number three and ambled over in drips and spurts, Heh, heh, he said “spurts”, to the parking lots behind the Eric Carle Museum, which I think were technically on the Hampshire College Campus.

At The Circle:
The Hare was first up and appropriately sung to after his trail was disected and bashed for all the world to see and hear about.

Next was the FRB, Cainus Lickus, and the FBI, Just Kelly.

Then it was backsliders, Hand Job? Anti Cock, and Yeasty Boy.

Then same shirt violaters: Cainus Lickus, Comes on Vacation, Sodom Me! and Big Piles.

Blood On Trail was Big Piles for getting a scratch on his toe that bled a single drop of blood.

( Mysteriously sheeps baaing accompanied BP into the circle, Hmmmm?????)

Song Sung was “Hold it in your hand Mrs. Murphy”

Then, Hare’s helpers were nailed. That being, Anti-Cock, Marquis de Brokeback and Big Piles, and the hare.

The awarding of the Happy Valley Hashit:
The current and long standing holder of the hashit, who has “had It” since a hash in early August at Sodom Me!’s abode, again did not bring it on trail or to the hash. Cainus was asked if the hashit was actually stolen and if he was just part of a major government coverup. He replied, “No” but that he had hidden the hashit somewhere in his house from visiting Halve Meins so well that he can’t remember where he hid it. Soooo, he still has it. Sounds like he probably will for awhile longer. So he did a virtual cleansing of the hashit and then a down down for receiving it. Song sung was the Stain of Cum song.

Then my notes say something about sprayed, but I can’t make that part out.

Next up was a naming for just Kelly.

She was not named:
Olive Oyl, Most Likely to Show Me, The Short Fat One, Boss Love, Doggy Obedience, Hash Hook Up, Do Me Doggy!, Hat Trick, Cum Guzzling Crack Whore II, “He Shoots – She Scores”, Snake F#cker, Nice Puck, or Slap Slut. ( She shows her Swiss Mountain Dog in obedience and she played ice hockey, and apparently once she -oh never mind. Anyway she is none of the above, she will from now on and forever be in the hearts of her fellow hashers as ” Doggy Dominatrix” or “DD” or “Double D” for short. Some sung was sung and then she was annointed with holy water and magic dust ( sprayed beer and leftover blue hash, which coincidentally matched her top and all the flour and chalk in her hair wouldn’t look out of place anywhere in the Happy Valley)

Hash Announcements:
September 29, 30, and Oct. 1st – The Pennsylvania Interhash in Harrisburg, PA

Columbus Day Weekend the DC Red Dress Run ( sold out but registrations are available thru the swap page)

Next regular Happy Valley hash will be saturday September 30th. Details TBA

Next Shays Rebellion Full Moon Hash will be on Monday, Columbus Day at Chez AC and Dewey Do Me’s Start time of 5:30 p.m. promises: Beer , Bonfire, Hot Tub. and a theme TBA.

Last up was hash religion, then the On After was held at the Moan & Dove.

Respectfully Submitted,
yer Happy Valley Scribble.

HVH3 #162

HVH3 #162, Saturday, 9/30/2006, Northampton, MA
“Get your kicks on Route 66”

Hares: Just Darleen (virgin lay), and Burning Bush.

Just Scott
Just Emily (but not for long)
Comes On Vacation
Canis Lickus
Le Marquis de Brokeback
Just Juan
Virgin Drew (MdBb’s twin brother)
Big Piles

Notes? What notes? We don’t need no stinking notes!
OK, maybe we do. But I forgot I was scribing at the start, and at circle I found myself unprepared, without paper or writing implement because we walked from trail start/end to the back yard of Just Darleen’s nearby house in order to do circle in a place more likely to break our string of visits from the law enforcement community. So, I’m attempting to reconstruct the events from memory. In other words, standard procedure.

The hash convened at 14:00 HST at Veterans Park on Rte. 66 in Northampton. Burning Bush’s chalk talk included standard but mostly illegible marks because, as we all know, her hole is too big. Just Darleen took over for the last mark because she wanted to explain a type of check heretofore unseen, and we found that Just Darleen’s hole was too big as well. When the co-hares had to confer over whether the new mark was EWS or EWC, I asked if it was a Spell-Check. They settled on EWC, which stands for Ear Wash Check, where no one is allowed to proceed past the EWC until they either give or receive an ear wash.

Trail started out down Rte 66, crossed the road shortly after the bridge over the Mill River, and took us into the woods for a nice run/walk on trails near said river. The trail was somewhat challenging, threatening to cross the river at a couple of points, but true trail never required us to get our feet wet (just a few ears).

The first beer check was at the edge of the old Northampton State Hospital campus, where discussion included security cameras, with police sirens in the distance right on cue, and burial of patients on the hospital grounds in unmarked graves, which caused some of us to look down at the ground around our feet.

The second beer check was at a very nice spot next to the river, where I’m sure we amused, offended, or horrified some folks in kayaks and single sculls on the river. Discussion there included hash names not based on the names of companies where said hasher is employed in spite of obvious targets. Burning Bush escaped a name related to Tighe & Bond, and COV said she and several others were not named for the company where she used to work, Hyman Construction, at which point I commented on the coincidence that I actually used to work at Hymen De-struction. It loses something in text, so I guess you had to be there, but this was only one of the many bright spots in one of the funniest hashes I’ve been to in a while. If you weren’t there, you’re sorry you missed it.

The pack nearly missed the third beer check, having to be called back to a Frisbee golf hole where we consumed more BBC, and got in the way of some actual Frisbee golfers. Marquis & Just Juan didn’t hear the Beer Here call and missed the beer check entirely.

I arrived at the Ear Wash Check with Just Darleen, who backed away from me two steps for every one I took toward her. This could give a guy a complex. But sooner or later all filled the requirements for moving on in one way or another.

Circle included much continuing humor, now lost to the mists of time, beer, and jello. FRB was either Marquis or Just Juan. I think they both drank, and did so again during violations (they were FRBs because they missed the third beer check). FBI was COV, no surprise as she was the only female actually running, with the co-hares sweeping a dead trail and Just Emily a walker, although I think we were all walking by the end, after polishing off the several growlers of BBC at the beer checks… mmm… good beer.

Virgin Drew was demented by COV. His twin brother, Le Marquis de Brokeback, made him come. Seems a little sick to me. I guess it’s a twin thing. He did not seem to care what the square root of 69 was as long as he was involved. His favorite barnyard animal is a pig which he would f*ck if he was a male pig. I can’t remember his answer to the bus question, but give me a break; I’m working without notes here and it was a good party. Marquis demonstrated the art of the proper down-down, and Virgin Drew followed, welcomed to the hash, a virgin no more.

Violations not previously mentioned included matching shirts for MdBb and myself, cranium gear inside the circle for Just Darleen, something that earned COV the “Dumb, dumb, she’s so f*cking dumb” song, but I can’t remember what, Canis Lickus for still not having the hash sh*t, and a cruel but deserved water down-down for Canis for crashing & totaling the Subaru on the way home from the previous hash.

If I could pause for a moment of sobriety about sobriety, HVH3 is small enough without losing any of our friends to jailhouses, hospitals, or morgues. Cabs, crash spaces, or simply waiting it out are all options. Like my boss at Zoar Outdoor tells the raft guides there, “Play hard, play safe.” It’s not that hard to do both.

OK, you can pick up your beer again.

After violations were dealt with, Just Emily was named, and here is where my scribe duties may really crash and burn. Let’s see. She has a history of showing up only occasionally, and when she does come, it’s always with Burning Bush. Hmm. She was seen sprawled on the ground at Buffett V, recovering poorly from the previous evening’s debauchery, but eventually rose again. Some things she was not named were Comes Occasionally, Comes In Spurts, and a few other things I can’t remember, but in the midst of a circle of hashers doubled over with laughter, she was named, by proclamation with no vote necessary, Old Faithful.

The On-in was a house party at the home of Just Darleen and Just Scott, where burgers, hot dogs, sausage, beer, jello shots, and Beirut were in abundance, and although Mr. Hanky was not in attendance, his presence was felt due to an overflowing toilet leaking into the kitchen from upstairs.

By the way, several of us are now experiencing withdrawal symptoms from the chip dip that one of the non-hashers brought to the party. It was some sort of combination of cream cheese, sausage, salsa, and who knows what else, which combined to form a highly addictive compound, well suited to the Scoop version of both Fritos and Tostitos. I had to wait for the effects of the dip to wear off before I could drive home safely.

And in closing, I’d like to take this opportunity to not mention McCavity one more time before he & Bodsa leave the area.

Somewhat respectfully submitted,
– Big Piles, Sub-scribe

HVH3 #164

HVH3 #164, Saturday, 10/14/2006, Pelham.  Double D’s Virgin Lay

Hares: Doggy Dominatrix and her faithful hound Titan (their virgin lay), with minimal advice from yours truly, Big Piles.

Sodom Me!
Le Marquis de Brokeback
Insignificant Digit
Big Piles
Hash Hound Titan
Newcomer: Sir Cums A Lot (formerly of Denver)
Virgin Jessica
Virgin Blair

The hash convened at 14:00 HST at ye olde meetinghouse parking lot at the corner of Amherst Rd and Meetinghouse Rd, where there is a meetinghouse, with a parking lot, but I guess you knew that.

Sodom Me! ably took over RA duties for the MIA COV. After introductions, the hare gave the chalk talk, with special attention to our virgins. You may recall that it was determined at a previous hash that Burning Bush’s hole was too big. In this case it appeared Doggy Dominatrix’s hole was too small (I’ve volunteered to correct the situation). Burning Bush & Old Faithful are haring the next hash. Will Old Faithful’s hole be just right?

Our hare took off for a 6.9 minute cranium start, live haring her virgin lay, while we warmed up with Hey My Name Is Joe and Father Birmingham.

Notable in the pack besides our two virgins (more on their deflowering later), was a newcomer formerly of Denver, Sir Comes A Lot. We hope he does. Marquis spotted him on campus at UMass wearing a hashing t-shirt and stalked him until he agreed to come to a hash. Don’t worry Sir Comes, he’s mostly harmless. But if you don’t keep showing up we’ll have to send Sodom Me! after you.

Notably missing was the hash shit, last seen in the hands of our GM, Canis Lickus. Also notably missing was Canis himself, along with our RA, Comes On Vacation. They proffered some flimsy excuse in advance about being on official hash business in various Asian countries, including attending World Interhash. Seems to me Thailand is a long way to go just to avoid showing up without the hash shit again. A lot of other wankers were also noticeably missing, but don’t deserve to be notable.

Trail started off in the usual way from this start point and covered a good bit of ground both sides of Amherst Rd. Our hare and her hash hound were fleet of foot and awaited us at both beer checks, with a Sodom Me! check, er, I mean song check in between, where Sodom Me! lead us in a round of Monday Is a Wanking Day. The song check may not even have been necessary, as we dawdled a bit at the first beer check, including a round of Alouette for the virgins.

At circle Shitty Trail was sung for the hare, and the virgins were properly demented. Doggy Dominatrix demonstrated the art of the down-down, as it was her dominating ways that made both virgins come. Virgin Jessica would stay on the proverbial bus, and needed to be educated in the ways of hash math, as she gave the square root of 69 as 13. Virgin Blair was asked three questions, of which I can only remember one. When asked what her favorite barnyard animal was, she answered, “The cock”. The follow up question of “Would you f*ck a cock?” seemed superfluous. I pointed out that Virgin Blair had to answer three questions (there really were three, I just don’t remember them) but Virgin Jessica only had to answer two, so I asked the dollar bill in front of the crotch question, to which Virgin Jessica was unable to come up with the answer of “All you can eat under a buck.”

I failed to write down who the FRB was, so I’ll assume it was Sodom Me. FBI had to be one of the virgins, (Jessica, I think) as the hare was the only other female present.

Violations-wise, Insignificant Digit did a down-down for backsliding, and was accused early on of wearing new shoes. Upon close inspection we determined they were in fact new, but his vehement protest pushed us to the point of subjecting a shoe to the gravity test, which it failed miserably. Since he was still protesting and whining about being very upset if we
poured beer in his shoe, although apparently not opposed to drinking it, the hash went soft on him and only made him do a down-down out of a can of beer stuck in his shoe. What is the world coming to? The GM and RA go away for a few weeks and discipline goes out the window. What’s happened to the rules? Oh, wait, there are no rules.

Nerd name use was rampant throughout the hash, pretty much requiring a social down-down. Hash religion closed the circle proceedings and most of us adjourned to the Hangar for the on-after, where we discovered that Sir Cums A Lot is a vegetarian, but we won’t hold that against him. More wingsfor us.

Somewhat respectfully submitted,
– Big Piles, Second Assistant Associate Scribe

Hash No.165 | Old Faithful’s Virgin Lay

Quote from on trail: “Virgin Lays Are So Highly Overrated”

HVH3 No. 165 or Old Faithful’s Virgin Lay, aka “I think there’s a colony of ticks in my crotch”, or “Sister Harriette, here’s five bucks, go get some more flour and chalk.”

The Hares:
Old Faithful
Burning Bush

The Pack:
Just Jen,How Many Licks?,Marquis de Brokeback, Just Drew, Purdy Mouth, Just Matt, AntiCock, Papa Smurf, Tubslut, Sir Comes Alot, and a hasher in a red dress with a tiara ( The Burger Queen?)

Virgin Colin, Virgin Nick

Latecummers: Big Piles, Doggie Dominatrix, and Hash hound Just Titan.

Old Faithful with an assist from veteran hasher Burning Bush started this “charlie foxtrot” from the most North-easterly corner of the UMass campus, parking lot number 13. AC was axed to be the stand-in RA as the most senior HV hasher present. ( were y’all just goofin on my gray hair?)

The trail was supposedly half a dead lay, so after the hares gave their chalk talk and everyone was properly introduced, they axed for a 6.9 minute cranium start. The mixed crowd of veterans and virgins began the festivities with an ode to Father Birmingham.

This hash was a nod to the Halloween season – many hashers were dressed in costumes. We had a Burger Queen? , a Gaysian, a caped super hero smurf, a purple masked/ beer gutted/ pizza delivery crusader, a Tubslut, a Vampiress, and some hungover hashers from the previous evening’s festivities on Pulpit Hill Road.

Trail meandered over and up to East Pleasant Street then people got kinda screwed up by the abundance of flour hash marks…we crossed the street and circle jerked for awhile then Purdy Mouth and AC checked into the fields beyond East Pleasant St. Meanwhile the rest of the pack proceeded up East Pleasant and found trail, but then they made a left turn onto Eastman Lane where AC and Purdy Mouth reconnected with the main pack. The trail ducked into some woods and quickly we had our first water crossing of the day. Many more would follow.

I should mention here that the wind was whipping around furiously. It was strong enough that at one point all 260 pounds of me was knocked off my stance at a checkpoint.( And I wasn’t even drunk yet!) After crossing the stream we entered a large meadow and soon lost trail again. People searched all over for it then AC spotted it heading back up to Pleasant Street. There was a check at the street that split the pack, but true trail was spotted proceeding north again.

Trail eventually made a right turn into the North Amherst Cemetary. It was there that we encountered Burning Bush’s idea of a refreshment stop. Some sort of lime green liquid liberally drenched with some sort of grain alcohol or harsh vodka. After an eternity we started on trail again and were advised to go back to the last check on East Pleasant Street. Again we were stymied by the plethora of hash marks and circle jerked around until a faint blue splotch the size of a dime was found on Blackberry Lane.

Trail then proceeded east and into some woods behind Blackberry Lane. The woods quickly became a quagmire interspersed with thickets of brairs. Little did we know that we were also being assaulted by battalions of blood thirsty ticks. The people in costumes were raising hell about sticker bushes ripping their skin and clothes, especially those in shorts. Those of us in denim jeans and sweatshirts tried not to snicker too loudly. The black swamp mud was of the perfect viscosity to pull off sneakers that weren’t tightly tied. The hares ingeniously hid hash marks on sticks lying on the ground, and since we were facing west into the dropping sun, it was right in our eyes and made following trail all that more challenging. ( Okay, so there was alot of bitching on trail – visions of a Hand Job trail danced through my head…) Somewhere along here abouts Sir Cums Alot made the comment about giving the hares five bucks to go invest in more flour! Purdy Mouth was shouting “RU?” every 15 feet, somebody, I think it was Papa Smurf, yelled,”There’s people in front of you and people right behind you, so S.T.F.U!!!! You’re on trail!!!!” [I thought that was funny]

After a long strectch of briars, streams and oodles of black stinking mud, we came to a stream and followed it up to a culvert where we met the Hares. This was just below Cherry Lane. Hoping for a bottle of water, or a cold beer, all the hares had was a witch’s brew that resembled bloody puke in a cup. Having just spent a week puking and crapping my brains out because of dysentery, their concoction didn’t really appeal to me. It looked like a base of peachtree schnapps, followed by Carolyns Irish Cream and Grenadine. The result as mentioned was something that looked too much like a bloody puke. We sang some songs like Jesus Saves while the hares made their escape.

Trail then proceeded more or less back to A.

At the circle:
The hares were brought into the circle and were properly doused with beers for their sins. Trail rankings were tabled and trail earned a rough score of 6.9 although the stanines were a wee bit skewed by green liquids. We sang ’em some song I think it was tied to a urinal.

Next up was accusations and there were many many accusations. I will try to list the accusations: Blood On trail – everyone (“Social!”), technology on trail, Just Drew and AC, Backsliding – Papa Smurf, Uh, I should’ve taken notes… Latecummers, Big Piles and Doggie Dominatrix, There were a shitload of accusations, I can’t remember them now.

Hashit nominations were 100% Cainus Lickus, should we ever see the hashit again, he will guard it for life.

Next Up were Virgins and their sponsor. Acting Dementress was Purdy Mouth. Burning Bush demonstrated a proper down down as both virgins came because of her. ( a note here: The virgins seemed very well coached except for the simple math problem) Just Colin would not get off the bus, his favorite barnyard animal is a pig. Jus Nick said stuff too, but this Butt Nut didn’t take notes.

Yadda Yadda, beer, songs, beer…

There’s a hash in Palm Beach sometime soon or so says Papa Smurf, Anti -Buffet Rego will be up soon it will be capped at 50 drunks this year. $160 bucks or promises of good head will tap you in.

The Next regular HVH3 hash will be in two weeks, TBA

The next Shays Rebellion Full Moon Hash will be this sunday night, November 5th. I’ll do an announcement shortly. We’ll probably meet in Amherst.

Enough already, stop the madness!!!!

Yer Scribble,

ps Sodom Me! is still missing in action at press time. Last seen stumbling up to his room saturday night after a losing battle with a keg of BBC, mumbling and incoherent.

Shay’s Rebellion Full Moon Hash #5

The fifth running of the Shays Rebellion Full Moon Hash was held on Amherst Common on Sunday, November 5th, 2006. (1500hrs)

Hare: Anticock

The Pack: Doggie Dominatrix, Big Piles, Purdy Mouth, and special guest hasher from the Near East, Cajonas 🙂

And a guest from the Near West: Spankbank from the Halve Meins

The hare was pleasantly surprised by the appearance of a long backsliding, early member of the Happy Valley Hash, who offered as his excuse for backsliding, being stuck in Iraq for a year and saving lives by flying an air ambulance. Oh, Okay, but he still had to do a Down Down for backsliding, I mean rules are rules especially when you have no rules…


The hare explained to the pack that this would be a “Cajun Trail”. All those assembled had never done a Cajun trail before so those hash marks were explained. All hash marks are “True Trail.” Any hash mark has the potential to be a check. You run past a hash mark and if you then don’t see any for awhile you go back to the last one you saw and start looking in any direction for the next one.

Trail began on the northwest corner of Pleasant Street and Rte 9. It then proceeded north a short ways and turned left and then north again by the building that looks like the Bates Motel. Trail then crossed over the street and went in front of the ABC building. The ahs mark there was a “check” and trail took that tiny pathway along the ABC into the backyard of the Jones Library. Thentrail cut across that historic bldg next door and went west on Amity Street. Trail then cut south on Dana Street and went west on Rte 9 along the Amherst College football field. At Snell Street ( across from University Drive) trail turned left and at the end of that short block the BIG BN was found, uh by two hashers. Apparently a couple of people shortcutted trail down Hazel Ave and missed the huge BN on Snell Street. Anyway, the BN led a to a well concealed bottle of VSOP Brandy in a small patch of woods carefully skirting the perimeter of a Hobo’s campsite.

After the BN the trail went east on Snell Street and two or three hash marks later came to a Y in the trail. Bearing left up a ramp led to the bike path, but true trail marks were under the old railroad bridge and continued east on Snell St. Then trail turned left and entered some woods and eventually went onto the bike path a few hundred yards from where that other entrance was. Everybody chose the path of least resistance and took the ramp onto the bike path. Somehow after going a longways they found trail marks to the east on the bike path. Trail then went east on the bike path to Rte 116, where it emerged and entered the Amherst College Campus. Trail then went back to “A.” All told it was about 3 miles not counting any extra checking people did. FRB was Spankbank. FBI was Doggie Dominatrix. DFL and LOTA was Purdy Mouth ( LOTA = Lost On Trail Again)

We somehow “lost” Purdy Mouth on trail. We waited about half an hour after every body came in, then left him a note to join us at Rafters for the circle and On In. Apparently as we were driving away is when he showed up triumphantly with the bottle of VSOP in his hands.

At Rafters we circled up inside around platters of burgers and nachos and pitchers of beer. Guest Hasher Spankbank of the Albany Clan graciously accepted the offer to RA for us. The Hare was sung the SHITTY TRAIL song after his trail was adjudicated or something. Backsliding was Cajonas and Purdy Mouth. ( UGLY song) Cranium gear in circle was Big Piles, Pissing and shitting on trail was Hash hound Titan so DD did a proxy down down. Missing the Beverage Check was Cajonas, and Big Piles.

Other notes: Cajonas mentioned he sang Father Abraham outloud twice while visiting

URrrrrrr in Iraq, the birthplace of the prophet Abraham. Hmmmm???? And all they sold over there was near beer???

Announcements: The Halve Meins next hash is Veterans Day weekend on sat the 11th. Amazon.cum is haring and it was mentioned that it might be a good hash to combine with our next regularly scheduled hash which is also the 11th.

Anti Buffett is cumming up too, but the rego has not been posted yet.

For a change we sang something else for a closing song and I forget what it was…


Next Shays? At the next full moon, Hares anyone? Anyone ? Buehler? Anyone?

Shays Full Moon Rebellion Hash #6

Sunday, December 3rd, 2006 – 1500HRS.

Hare: Doggie Dominatrix

The AO: (Start & Finish) Parking Lot #26 at UMASS – Amherst, and mostly in and around UMASS.

The Pack:
Just Drew, Cainus Lickus, Anti-Cock, Col. Mustard, Mr. Hankey, Cajonas, Hand Job? ( Yes, please), Big Piles, Comes On Vacation, Sodom Me!

Pig F#cker, Nice Snatch, Amazon.Cum, Halve Meins all
Tubslut, Ah? Happy Outerborough Mein-chester NY Bethel / Rumson Valley Hash

Virgin: Just Phillip (Sodom Me!’s virgin)

Hash Hounds: Titan, Zuni and Face F#cker, and the “Invisi-Hound.”

Latecummer: How Many Licks?

The latest installment of the Shays Rebellion Full Moon Hash began once Tubslut arrived, which was more or less right on time. AC introduced the Hare, the multi-talented and very demented Doggie Dominatrix. She went on to do a chalk talk for everyone’s benefit especially the virgin, Virgin Phillip. During the chalk talk the hare had a hard time writing BN with the chalk bottle. Someone mentioned she’d be better off with a “bigger hole”. She then axed for a ten minute cranium start as this trail was live hared by herself and her trusty co-hort, Hash Hound Titan.

Comes On Vacation graciously Ra’ed and then introductions were had. This was followed by a pair or so of warm up songs, those being Father Birmingham and Joe from the Button Factory.

The start of the hash was kind of cold. Not so cold that we would normally even mention it, being hardy New Englanders, but its been so darn warm up until now that we aren’t acclimated yet, plus the wind was really blowing. But all that didn’t stop the Halve Mein visitors from wearing kilts. BTW, The nicest micro-mini kilt award goes to Amazon.Cum.

So trail was off thru the parking lots of UMASS. Trail went south then turned east towards the main campus parking garage. Trail then skirted the west side of the Duck Pond before doing a U Turn in front of the Fine Arts Bldg and going north on the east side of the duck pond. Trail went north then east by the construction area just before the Graduate School of Education then trail went into some woods up by the Sylvan Residential Area. Trail crossed over Eastman Lane then went into the woods and trails of the old equestrian area on Orchard Hill. Emerging above the Orchard Hill residences trail then skirted the downward sloping trail alongside the Chancellors House before beercheck number 1 in some bushes at some bldg. There were some good beers to be had and all hashers were present except Mr. Hankey and Col. Mustard who had bailed on trail.

After the beers were killed off, the pack went in search of beer check number two. Trail went south until it came to Massachusetts Ave on the south side of the main campus. trail then went west until the playing feilds south of the Mullins Center. here the pack had to spread out to find trail, just as the light began to fade. The group effort paid off when the far ranging pack found trail as it slipped along the Mullins Center to a brook in a ravine where we found the hare and beerczech number two. Somewhere along the way, Pig F#cker found a beaver (sic) and stuck it on his cranium.

At the beercheck we comensed to sing a bunch of the more rowdy hash songs in our repetoire. The Jesus Saves song, and some other ones I didn’t write down. Soon enough it was time to hash on back to “A” for the circle.

At the circle:

Comments about the trail ranged from, “It sucked!” to “Driest my feet have been on a trail in a long time” to “Not enough mini-skirts” to which CAINUS!!!! replied, “Yes – but one real nice one!” – We sang the hare a song but I’ll be damned if I can remember which one it was.

Visitors: that being Pf’er, Amazon.cum, Nice Snatch and Tubslut. They were sung, “Why were they born so beautiful”. For a visitors song they sang, “Mrs. Landers”.

So, we had a virgin at the hash. Virgin Phillip observed the vsitors’ down down so he was briefed. Sodom Me! made him cum. asked the simple math question he replied, “8.2”

He would stay on the mythical bus and his favorite barnyard animal is a donkey. If he was a female donkey stuck on a desert island he would let a male donkey f#ck him. “Donkey F#cker!!!!!” Having found his morals low enough to join our rank and file, he was serenaded with a lovely version of Aquarius ( a.k.a. The Hairy Ass song)

Shortcutters had to do a down down as did, all kilts, scribes, dogs and dog owners, and then it was a social.

Cranium covers in circle were Tubslut, Pf’er, Cajonas and others.

Accusations: Tech. on trail – The hare

Beaver on Cranium – PF’er

Bailed on Trail – Mr. Hankey & Col. Mustard Proxy down down for HJ?

Although this was a SRFMH, the Happy Valley Hash piggy backed, so Cainus was nominated for the HVH3 hash shit which is still missing in action. He was sung the Horse’s P#nis song.

FRB was Sodom Me! and FBI was somebody. Over achiever was PF’er. Song Sung was with an F You See Cay Why Oh U song.

Bragging about beating Lance Armstrong in the NYC Marathon earned Sodom Me a DD. Then all marathoners had to drink.

Announcements: The Halve Meins are at it again Weds. night at the Victory Cafe at 16 Sheridan Street in downtown Albany at 6pm.

anddddd ANTI-BUFFETT 3 this friday at Smugglers Crotch, VT.

Circle closed out with Hash Religion.


OY VEY!, What a bonfire!!!!! We sacrificed many many things to Pele the Volcano God. Poor Billy Billy Billy, no more Halloween antics for Billy. We started with lots of beer, wings from the Hanger and pizza, but then it was all about alcohol and pyromania. I bet quite a few hashers there got a good tan last night. At times you couldn’t get closer than 12 feet or so from the fire.

Next Shays Rebellion Full Moon hash will be next year, on or about, January 3rd.


HVH3 #170

“Stranger Things Have Happened On A Trail Hash”

Sunday, December 18th, 2006

Hare: Sodom Me!

The Pack: Like a Happy Valley Trail of Yore, Comes On Vacation, Cainus Lickus, and Anti-Cock, plus hash hounds, Zuni. Face F#cker and a visiting Halve Mind Mongrel, La La.

Latecummer: Dewey Do Me!

Start: Amethyst Brook Nature areola off Pelham Road, Amherst.

The pack waited a half hour, or Hash Standard Time, to wait for additional showees and then we was off following the hare on a live hared trail. This was a Cajun Trail.

We passed some civilians and then Cainus decided to do his good deed for the day by returning a Poodle that decided to hash with us rather than it’s master.

True trail stopped at an abandoned 1964 Corvair for a P Check.

Then we was off again in pursuit of the mythical BN.

We stopped at one point for a gaggle of ATVs to rally and pass us.

We found said BN by a bridge across a stream. Drunk dialed Flutterby,Then it got weird!

Or shall we say strange…

No, the beer wasn’t laced with any Hallucinogens, but we stopped for the beer and then those of whom we won’t speak asked what we were doing. Those of whom we won’t speak seemed impressed, invited us to join them for beer and then were surprised that we had some too and a bottle of JD. COV was impressed by their, uh, thingys, and asked if she could ride one. They replied in the affirmative and so she did take the thingy for a spin shall we say? Then those of whom we won’t speak asked us to********** , so we did.

It was very interesting indeed, scenes of “Last House on The Left” flitted thru my mind, especially after Sodom Me! was *******ed by one of them, but it turned out okay. We had some######, then we ########ed thru the ####### and then it was time to go.Sworn to secrecy thats the way we’ll leave it. At least until the statue of limitations or Jack Daniels pries our tongues open.

We all drunk dialed PF’er for some reason, but I think he replied in the same cryptic style.

We circled the wagons at Sodom Me!’s and sacrificed pizzas and wings to the NFL Gods but to no avail becuse the Giants were just that bad and lost to the Birds.

Circle: Cainus still has the hashit.

Next Happy Valley Hash / Shays Rebellion Full Moon Hash
This’ll be a combo Full Moon Hash and a party becuse AC and Dewey Do Me! are celebrating 19 years of a temporary move to Massachusetts. Yes, it was January 1st, 1988 and we moved up here just for a few semesters of Graduate School and now it is somehow 19 years later.

So what better way to celebrate than to have a full moon hash and a party.

Friday Night, January 5th at Chez Dewey & AC in Wendell.
1900HRs. Bring a flashlight, and a sleeping bag and pad.