Hash Trash from 2004

Either a whole bunch of hash trashes were never written or this group has no idea how to count.  Either way, enjoy their tales.

1 JAN 04 New Years Hangover Hash

North Leverett Co Operative Store

Pick up hash rules.

The pack assembled, remarkably on time at 1330 HRs.

Hashers Present: Hand Job, Mr. Hankey, Col. Mustard, Comes On Vacation, Cainus Lickus, Dewey Do Me, and yours truly, Anti-Cock.

We flipped a coin and decided that since no one called it in the air, we would nominate NFN Ellie as the hare. ( I should mention that Scruffy and Zuni were also present, but I forget their hash names).

Trail proceeded south towards Rattlesnake Gutter, which is a glacial spillway gorge from the old Lake Hitchcock days following the last ice age.

There was a check that held up the pack at the waterfalls on the Mill River. Trail was detected going uphill ( ofcourse) into Rattlesnake Gutter. Just past the blocked off section, trail changed from a firm grip to an icy hard pack.

The first beercheck was in a bear cave that was luckily uninhabitated.

Trail proceeded along the length of Rattlesnake Gutter until we reached a backcheck that drove us back up hill towards the midpoint of the Gorge.

A false led to some exploration of small caves, but TT went back on itself, towards the entrance to RG. The trail dipped down to the base of the waterfalls on the Mill River. Then shortcutted across some powerlines back to the Leverett Coop.

The On In was at the scene of the previous nights festivities. Beverage of choice was Yuengling Porter.

We are on a winter’s relaxed schedule, so our next hash is up for grabs for anybody who wants to hare.

HVH3 Scribe.

BTW, COV, what No. Hash was this?

Holyoke Hash HVH3 #76

Start: 330 Whitney Ave. Holyoke, Mass. 1400HRS.

Those Present: The Hare: Anti-Cock, Cainus Lickus, Hand Job, Col. Mustard, Just Frank. ( 5th Run and in need of a Hash name.)
Visitors: Follow My Tits, and Super Chicken. Hartford H3

Chalk Talk was held in the parking lot of the Old Heritage Bank Bldg. All signs were explained and then we moved as a pack to the gazebo by the pond for the SP. The Hare axed for a ten minute HEAD start. Little did I know that my comfort would be short lived because FMT had spotted my pre-laid back check on her way to the SP. But luckily I did getaway without any problems. About two thirds of the trail was pre-laid, but I still needed to set the last mile or so.

Trail left the parking lot and proceeded towards the Holyoke Mall, thence to a back check 4, but as mentioned that was spotted, so the pack only had to search for true trail by the mouth of the driveway. TT was obscured by a big earthern berm across the street in the parking lot of another office building. Trail ran across the parking lot and then to a hole in a fence. But first you had to leap a swampy, muddy ditch that was too wide to really leap across. So most members of the pack chose to add a couple of hundred yards on by going around the obstacle.

True trail then mostly ran south along some ass-fault thru an industrial park. There were some checks and such, but it was mostly a straight shot south. Hash marks were few and far between, but so what. Trail then cut a corner thru a bank parking lot and then up a little hill to the west. Then trail turned right onto Quarry Road into the Holyoke Water Reservoir Land. The beer check was at about the halfway mark of 3 miles. The beercheck consisted of some rusty cans of Schlitz, some Ho Hos and stale Granola Bars. Oh yeah and water left over from the Buffett hash. Nothing but the best!!!

Trail then continued north towards the reservoir. Now this was some really muddy trails, but not really that difficult. Trail crossed the tracks of the old PVRR and then ran north along the western shore of the reservoir. This trail eventually looped almost all the way around the reservoir. Except for Hand Job and Col. Mustard. HJ and CM knew the area and spied a short cut back to the SP that cut about 1 1/2 miles off. The rest of the pack followed trail into some woods and down a hash path that led to a little cliff above the RR tracks. That obstacle being navigated then led east along the tracks back to the SP.

Hand Job was FBI and Col. Mustard was FRB. FMT was sweeping trail, so therefore, DFL.

Circle was held in the parking lot. Trail having taken about two hours. (Hare away was at 1440HRS and pack was in by 1700HRS.) Marks for the trail ran the gamut. Too long, Death March, not enough ass fault, not enuf Schlitz, etc. etc. were some of the  comments. Some Hash songs were sung. People did Down Downs and then we had the On After at the Hanger in Amherst.

Next HVH3 Hash will be Sunday, March 28th. ( Hartford will probably skip next week because most everybody will be drinking beer in Holyoke, watching the St. Patrick’s Day Parade.) I think Cainus or COV is going to Hare. We are trying to avoid drill weekends so Cajonas, Flutter, and Beaver can join in. ( What’s Heather’s hash name again?)

HVH3 Scribe

HVH3 #77

The 77th Running of the Happy Valley kennel took place on March 27, 2004.

Hare: Cainus Lickus

Start: A parking lot behind the soccer field at Northampton H.S. ( Off Milton Street) Start Time, about 12:30.

The Pack: Anti-Cock, Mother’s Beaver? ( I have a mental block on H’s name; can somebody do an addendum or shoot me a note with her real hash name please), Cajonas, Comes On Vacation, Madame Flutterby, Scruffy, and Zuni.

The Hare axed fo’ a 15 minute cranium start, and his request was not so graciously acceded to. Doh! Meanwhile, it was a beautiful day in Northampton. The temperature felt like high 60’s and sunny. We had some Magic Hat No.9 and tried to stretch out a whole winters worth of sloven and debauched living.

( Authors note: I had stepped on a big rusty nail about two hours before the hash, so the Magic Hat was strictly for Medicinal purposes.)

The pack left on trail and proceeded down some ass fault, but quickly found a nice, oozy, muddy trail alongside the Mill River. ( It’s like every town in Western Mass has a stream called “The Mill River”, just in case yer wondering…) Trail followed the River for about a mile, mile and a half with some deviously well placed falses, most of which went uphill, so we naturally assumed they’d be true trail. I myself got off trail and fell behind the pack after checking two too many falses. Trail soon led to the pond below the Greenhouse on the Smith College campus. By the way, it was such a nice day out, that people were kayaking in the river, softball games were being played at Smith College and tons of people were out jogging, walking dogs, etc.

Since I was behind the pack I had to stop and check every check mark. Some were labeled with true trail signs, and others had personal signs like, MF->, or C->, so those wern’t bad. I did miss one though, the one before the bridge across the river, and that sent me as far as the street, past the dyke. ( Yea, I know, it was Smith College, but I mean a real “earthen” Dyke.)

Trail then crossed the river and made a left by the track and soccer fields. Some buildings came up, and I thought perhaps I was near salvation (the BN) but that was not the case. Trail ran past some parked busses and then along the far side of the 1/4 mile track. It was here that I ran into Comes On Vacation, Zuni, and Scruffy. They were coming back from a long false check.

Trail then went uphill onto the grounds of the abandoned Northampton State Mental Hospital. A couple of falses had us checking in and around various abandoned buildings, but within about ten minutes COV had spotted true trail, which of course led us down a slippery, muddy, covered in wet leaves slope, back down to the river. Trail was laid over a partially frozen skunk weed swamp.Nice, very nice! [ “Kill the wabbit, kill the wabbit…”]  Trail then ran westerly, before it again went up that same slope. We ran to a small trail junction where we again joined Cajonas, Madame Flutterby and Heather/Beaver/ whatever her damn hash name is, which is the one I have a mental block of.

They had found a back check four and were searching in a clockwise fashion for the trail. I spotted trail off to the side of the trail and we proceeded thru some woods, across a ravine, and then uphill to the beercheck which was behind an old building at NoHo State Hospital. ( If you’ve ever seen the Charlize Theron, Toby Maguire Movie, “the Cider House Rules”, then you’ve seen where we were.)

The wabbit had left behind some delightfully refreshing Old Speckled Hen, Murphys Irish Stout and some other really good beers.

Since we all had been on trail longer than expected by the Hare ( Because falses, and that back check thing) he met us at the beer check and we opted to finish the trail and do the circle.

We held circle at the Hospital grounds and the violations and such were nominated. I some how was declared the FRB, though I may here note, I was technically not the first person to put their hands on a beer…COV was FBI and Heather/ Beaver/? was LBI and DFL. BTW, first to last was a matter of seconds.

Anways, I also nominated MF with a violation for not bringing the Hash Shit, but he informed us/ reminded us, that it’s actually the major league, backsliding Mother’s Little Douche Bag who has the hash shit! ( Ways to show MLDB our “love” were discussed. If you know what is bad for you, you’d better pick the time and place – before we do…) Speaking of backsliding, Cajonas joined those in the center for a down-down. When it was the turn of the Hare in the middle, I attempted to pour some beer in his vessel, but he some how managed to wear more of it than drink it. ( I really was just trying to pour it in your mug which you held over your cranium, but you kept moving).

About this time we sang Swing Low to the delight of some innocent bystanders, but then we  were observed by the long arm of the Apparatchnick security gurads. So we froze in place, except for Cajonas who hid his vessel in his “dockers”, if you know what I mean. This ruge worked and the evil guards went away.

We drove back to the SP and then proceeded to The Office in Williamsburg/Northampton. This is a little dive of a bar, old guys were playing poker in a back room, biker types hanging at the bar, etc. Hasher ambiance everywhere. Cainus ordered a pitcher of Magic Hat and there was free popcorn by the score. COV ordered some pizzas delivered and a good time was had by all. I had to leave a little early, so that by 3:45 no one had been ejected and no brawls had begun. I did have a little run in with a local PD on the ride home, but that turned out OK, with just a “keep the speed down next time”, alright, thanks…

Till next time, which will be two weeks, Saturdy, April 10th at Cajonas’ in  Belchertown. Hartford should be next weekend, their time and place TBA.

Hummingly Yours,
HVH3 Scribble and Drivel

HVH3 No.77 (+/- a hash#)

Or something like that.

Hash Number +/- 77 or Flutter’s Fatboy Hangover Hash in Chicopeepee.

Madame Flutterby graciously hosted a Fatboy Hangover hash on Sunday, April 25th which  started at the Hu Ke Lau on Route 33 in Chicopeepee, Mass. We’re calling it a hangover hash because almost half of the hashers returned from the Halve Mein NURD Hash to do the hangover hash.

HVH3 Hashers in attendance: MILWF, COV, Cainus Lickus, Col. Mustard, Hand Job, and Anti-Cock.
Visitors:[ Hardfarts all ] FMT, and Havelock

The pack assembled at 1350 HRs at the pre-arranged assembly area for a short pre-lube and the usual chalk talk. We sang some warm-up songs, (“Father Birmingham, Likes Alter Boys, and Alter boys like Father Birmingham…”) and we waited around until a little past 1430HRs, then took off in pursuit of a hangover cure. We later found out that Hand Job just missed the start and  Havelock was not too far behind her. Then FMT arrived just after them.

We followed hash marks east behind the Hu Ke Lau, then south and then east again just above the parking lot where the Fairfield mall used to be. Trail then ran towards and along Fuller Road towards Westover AFB. Trail then zigged and zagged thru a trailer park then back out to Fuller Road. Then it ran west thru a large construction site sortof thing to the first beer check. We refreshed our wanker souls with nice cold cans of Pabst Blue Ribbon and what were the other ones? Schlitz? Oh and this is where we were joined by the hare and he informed us that FMT, HJ, and Havelock were on trail. So we opted to wait for them until they could join us.

We On On ‘ed back to trail and ran about 3/4 of a mile to the second beer check. It was in some Hole in the Wall Tavern whose name I never noticed. COV and Cainus tried recruiting at the bar.

We had some brews and ran back to the SP.

After Hare in the circle, we brought up accusations on trail. MILWF was accused of committing the most heinous crime of attempting to hide hashing in new sneakers. She vehemently denied the fact that they were new, but upon being confronted with drinking or wearing, she chose to wear her “newness” out of ’em.

Which leads us to our second accusation, again against MILWF. This time for having a very lame hash name that was not awarded by the HVH3, much less having been named at a BH3 away hash. A renaming was demanded by the pack, so after thoughtful nominations ( “Toy Box”, “Cum Guzzling Crack Ho”, and there was another one I’m forgetting) , hence forth she will be the hasher known as,

“Drill Me, Sergeant!!!”

The circle did some religion and the hash went in Peace.

The next hash will be in two weeks, still at least one more Sunday. hare will be yours truly. ( Anti-Cock) Place and time TBA.

HVH3 Scribe, AC

Flutterby’s Graduation Hash, Happy Valley H3

Okay, so this is a partial hash trash for the Happy Valley hash last Saturday (yes, yes, I have started on the hash trash for Wednesday, too… it will be done tomorrow, maybe). It needs some amendment/correction/additions for stuff that I missed, i.e. The body painting with frosting incidents. [ body painting, couch painting, Cat Painting, floor painting, etc.] –Cums Alone, traveling scribe

Date: Saturday May 8, 2004
Hare: Anti Cock
Theme: Flutterby’s Graduation Hash
Start: Duck Pond in the middle of the UMass Campus
Beer Checks: (1) in the back of a parking lot on the UMass Campus
(2) across a river somewhere in Amherst
On-in: Behind a bar in Amherst
On-After: at Anti Cock and Dewy Do Me’s farm in Wendell
Time: 1:00 p.m. HST
Total Distance: 5 miles, just guessing (trail was set by the hare on a bike)
Scribe: Cums Alone
Weather: 75 degrees, sunny and warm

Happy Valley Hashers Present: Anti Cock (hare), Cainus Lickus, Cums on Vacation, Drill Me Sergeant, Hand Job, Mama’s Little Douche Bag, Madame Flutterby
Boston Hashers: Cock Climber, Cums Alone, Puff-n-Stuff, Schniedelwutz, Stuff Me
New York State hashers: Pondscum, Sphinctersicle
Virgin: Arna
Late Cummers: Dewy Do Me (she stayed behind, we caught up with her back at the farm)

The Start and the Run:
I have no idea where we ran, since I have never been to Amherst before.  We started from the duck pond in the middle of the U Mass campus. Stuff Me and I arrived before any of the other visiting hashers (and we were almost a half hour late . lots of traffic on Rt. 9, plus the U Mass campus is huge and we got lost). Eventually all who were expected arrived. Anti Cock was hare, and he was setting it LIVE??? This looked like an obvious chance to snare the big guy (what was he even thinking?). 3 marks would be on, thus ensuring that someone in the pack would eventually, probably sooner than later, snare him. We did brief introductions and sang the Button Factory warm up song (even tho it was a lovely, sunny, warm spring day). We took off in pursuit of Anti Cock, following marks in a large circle jerk around A, and then past the Chancellor’s house (very nicely landscaped, I might
add).  We ran over a couple hills and finally, by some soccer fields, saw a BN! Sure enough, at the very back of a large parking lot, was a beer check.  We refreshed ourselves and continued onward for a mile or two down a road somewhere in Amherst.

Those of us in the back walking were very surprised to see Anti Cock riding toward us on a bike (so that’s how he managed to stay ahead of the pack!).  He said the second beer check was nearby. We followed trail along some river, and saw that we were supposed to cross the river on some logs.  Nope, no way. We looked, to no avail, for an easier way around, and realizing that we had to go back to A (around 3 miles from where we were standing), we turned around. We walked and walked, and then Anti Cock pulled up with a load of hashers, and his bike, in the back of his pickup truck. He gave us all a ride back to our cars, so we could drive over to the location of the circle (behind a bar).

The on in:
Hashers had driven approximately 2 miles from the middle of the U Mass campus to the on-in location. We were waiting around, and Sphincter drove up and said that Puffy had been pulled over by the police. After laughing a bit (thinking of Puffy having a coronary), we tried to figure out what could have happened, since he wasn’t speeding. A call was placed to Puffy, and he said it was for an expired inspection sticker (and it wasn’t even his car … he was driving it for Cock Climber, who had ridden to the on in with other hashers). So, after a $50 ticket, a slightly lighter Puffy arrived.  He apologized to Cock Climber for the new wet spot on the driver’s seat.

Schniedelwutz was RA (giving Puff n Stuff a well-earned rest). Anti Cock was given a double down down for setting trail on a bike. (a hare down down and a sweat test down down)

The criminals, Puff-n-Stuff and Cock Climber were given a down down for the police incident.

Hand Job was given a down down for leaking on trail.

Flutterby accused Sphincter of wearing new shoes. Not only were they new, but he had taken them off and put them back in the box. Both of them got to drink out of the shoes to inaugurate them.

Then the majority of the pack, who had chosen not to get wet, got a down down.

The Happy Valley Hashit had reappeared (kind of like the Boston Hashit, which disappears for months or years). It was awarded to Anti Cock, to the tune of “Fat Boy on a Little Bike”.

Team Drunk got a down down. They tearfully proclaimed “Our boy’s all grows up now!” Flutterby, a college graggiate! No way!

* Virgin Arna was brought into the circle for abuse. As we were standing in a gravelly parking lot, modified knee pads were given for his use (the cold packs from the cooler). Arna made himself cum, but he does like it doggie style. He didn’t know the square root of 69, but was welcomed to the hash with a down down anyway.

We did hash religion and adjourned. Some hashers caravanned to the on after at Anti Cock’s in Wendell. Stuff Me and I stayed for a couple of brews, but left. There were apparently a few hiijinks, since Cock Climber sprained her ankle at the on-after (tripped over something on the deck in the dark).

Chant: “Fat Boy on a Little Bike” – the pack to Anti Cock, as he sped by on his bike

“He’s been reading Doggie Training for Dummies. Notice how well behaved Pondy is.” – Flutterby regarding Sphinctersicle
“That was no camera.”
“You don’t bring me flowers anymore.”
“That’s 3. I didn’t know he was a thrower when I married him.” – Pondy to Sphincter after he hit her in the eye with a piece of chalk (he had also thrown a beer can at her, and I forget the third item)

— Cums Alone, your humble scribe

HVH3 No. 83?

Hash Date: Thursday evening, May 20th, 2004.
Hare: Comes On Vacation
Hounds: Anti-Coch, Cainus Lickus, Col. Mustard, Hand Job, Mister Hankey.
Virgin: Just Mike
Start. (1830 HRS) A parking area a few hundred yards east of Atkins Reservoir on Cushman Road in Amherst, Mass.

Virgin Mike and Anti-Coch got to the start a little early, but luckily the hare’s POV was in plain sight along with a cooler of delicious beer on ice. We figured this to be an offering to the hash gods so we indulged in some ritual. Before long everyone else arrived.

The Hare appeared and led the assembled kennel in a chalk talk on top of a bridge across a feeder canal to the reservoir. I forget how much a cranium start she asked for, but I believe she got it. Besides, we were too busy enjoying the beers and applying bug spray. Virgin Mike commented that Off isn’t necessarily a good idea fer yer balls under a kilt. Anti-Coch also broke in his new kilt with it’s first hash.

Trail proceeded west on Cushman Rd and then ducked into some woods which ran by some bogs and then along a canal. At a check, Hand Job went north across the canal, while Cainus went south. Anti-Coch decided to go into the canal ( and it was good! ), ( unless of course you depend on that place for your water supply…) True trail ended up being south along the dam that holds the water back for the reservoir. It was a really serene moment, geese swimming by, sun setting in the west and hashers.

Trail then proceeded west along Cushman Road and then the pack got confused by a check at the base of some uphill road. Trail was eventually spotted further west and then it ducked into a trail south of the road. This was a long logging road which eventually led us to BEER CHECK No. 1!!!! As usual for a COV trail there was some really good brews in a bag. I believe it was Tetleys and some Newcastle. Trail then went south a cuople of yards to some ass fault and a check. Again we was confused, but Cainus spotted true trail going easterly. I don’t know what road we were on but there were some old farms and ponds and it looked really cool.

Trail eventually went north along a trail and on to BEER CHECK No. 2!!!!!! This trail was receiving high marks in my book. Trail then got shiggalicious and light began to fade. We were all taking turns being FRBs and DFLs because the trail was well laid ( I said “Laid”, he he he he…) Anyway, the trail went hither and thither, and eventually for the first time in mammary, I somehow became FRB! I figured, what the heck, I’ve done lots of down downs, why not one for over-achieving for once. As Cainus and I sprinted for the trails end, I was passed by a very familiar looking Toyota Tundra. It was black and even had an OnOn footsie. Hmmmmm?

At the trails end I made a beeline for the canal and had a very refreshing skinny dipping experience. I was soon joined by Virgin Mike.

We soon circled up. Anti-Coch gave the trail a 6.9 for two beer checks and scenery, Virgin Mike gave the trail a 15, well whadya want – he’s a new wanker,  Cainus gave the trail a

.69 to average out Mike’s 15. Mr. Hankey gave the trail, a 7, I think, because he liked it. Col. Mustard gave the trail high marks too. I forget what Hand Job gave it, but I’m sure it was favorable. Accusations for the hare were: Not enough water, shiggy, and stuff. She had to do a down down to that song about the little bird on a pole.

Virgin Mike was then placed in the proper position and instructed how to do a down down. When asked who made he cum, he replied, “Joe”. I was screwed, it had been so long since I had brought a virgin I forgot to pre-indoctrinate him about that. Unfortunately there was only one  drinking vessel, so Scruffy and Zuni, the Hash hounds, were kind enough to let me use their water bowl. So I had to join Virgin Mike in a down down. His favorite Barnyard animal is a rooster, a.k.a. “A Cock!” His favorite sexual position is doggy style, WOOF! WOOF! Asked if he ever found himself on a bus full of queers would he getoff? He replied “Most Certainly!”

After some more debauchery and such,  we all caravaned to Cainus and COV’s abode, and for once we didin’t even have to break in. COV made some delicious chow, I forget what it was called, but heh, We was drinkin’

We all hung out till about 10:30ish and then me and Just Mike hit the road.

Cainus Lickus volunteered to hare the next hash which will be on Thursday, June 3rd.

Your Most Humble Scribbler,

ps, the registration page is up for the Burlington Invihasional and also Boston’s 35th weekend Boston’s 35th Analversary is the weekend of June 4 – 6. The Burlinton Invihashional is the weekend after Buffett III ( So that would make it July 16, 17, 18.) that was originally Hartford’s 100th, but it sounds like they are going to combine their 100th with the invihashional and call their 100th either one of the Ugh’s or a fatboy hangover hash.

HVH3 #84

The 84th running of the Happy Valley Hash took place thursday night in the face of gathering clouds and the promise of heavy showers. The few, the valiant, the usuals, met at the Amherst HS parking lot at the prescribed hour of 1830.

The Pack:
Hare for the evenings jaunt thru the Amherst environs was the HVH3 GM Cainus Lickus. The pack included Comes On Vacation, Just Arne, and myself, your humble scribble. Also in attendance were the kennel hounds, Scruffy and Zuni. After a brief chalk talk, the hare asked for a generous ten minute cranium start.

Late Cummer:
Just Donna

Trail ran thru the HS parking lot on into the street by the Junior HS. Here a check separated the pack but Just Arne found true trail proceeding easterly towards a trail thru some woods. ( I don’t know the names of some of the streets I’ll be drescribing because we ended up going thru a part of town I had never seen before)

When trail emerged from the woods, we were on some asphalt for a couple of blocks in a residential neighborhood. Trail then ran ( I think ) northwesterly towards a check which caused us some searching for awhile. COV found trail running thru a cemetary. Just Arne and I were accosted by a civilian with an attitude, who told us not to go in there because it was private property. We humored him just long enough for him to watch our backsides disappear into the cemetary.

Trail had some checks in there, then ran off onto a trail network alongside some RR tracks ( the Amtrak line ). Trail snaked this way and that with many checks causing us some confusing consternation, but we eventually found trail true every time. Eventually trail ran out of the woods thru a meadow, and then eventually to a check near some housing complex. We had to search some long falses, but Just Arne found trail as it meandered thru some housing complex. I think it was also the UMass Career center. We also were joined by the hare, who came looking for us. ( We spent quite awhile checking some falses and at some checks ). We crossed over North Pleasant Street south of the N. Amherst fire station, and entered a trail network in what used to be the steeplechase area for the UMass riding club. We ran uphill towards where there is a housing area by windmills ( sort of west and north of there actually, by some radio tower antenna thingy) and found a cache of delicious brews.

As we stood at the beercheck we were serenaded by a peregrine falcon who was roosting on the tower thing. We were also treated to dive bombing mosquitoes and violated by ticks. Oh, and COV spooked a deer on trail; we also spotted a huge double rainbow, and after the beercheck, we saw a fox on the UMass campus. But anyway, we left the beer check and proceeded back to “A”. In route, the skies opened up and we were treated to a refreshing drenching.

At the HS parking lot we held the circle. There were actually no accusations for anything on trail! We sang a couple of hash classics. Comments included: Not enough rain on trail, not enough ticks, wildlife, etc. We ended with Hash religion.

The On In was held at the Amherst Brewing Co. While there we were met by Just Donna.

We discussed Jimmy Buffett III business and our next hash. I’ll be haring on Thursday night, June 17. Hash start will be at the intersection of Rte 63 and 47 on the Montague / Sunderland border. 1830HRS.

On Saturday, June 5th, COV, CL and myself ran the Boston 35th Anniversary hash in Millis. It was a well attended, and fun hash. Many thanks to Boston’s “The Fat One” and his wife for hosting the event. There was plenty of black ooze shiggy on trail and my good sneakers are now my newest shiggy sneakers. At the end of the trail was a shower and a heated in ground pool. And…Beer!

At their circle, I shamelessy advertised Buffett III. I think we’ll be drawing a healthy turnout.

HVH3 Scribe

HVH3 #85

HVH3 #85 Hash Trash
When: Thursday, June 17, 2004
Start: Junction of Rtes 47+63 in Montague, North of Mt. Toby
Hare: Anti-CocK (with a K, -k?)
Pack: Madame Flutterby, Drill Me Sergeant, Comes on Vacation, Canis Lickus, and the regular hash hounds

Pack gathered up in a wonderful road side location, risking life and hearing while all sorts of vehicles careened past along the short 1/4 mile road between Rte47 and Rte 63. All drivers looking a bit askance at the fools parking in the non-breakdown lane. Hare was suspiciously unvehicled with a stupid grin on his mug… or perhaps that’s just his standard look… Hare gave a minimal chalk talk insisting that there was no need for the typical elaborate AC Beer-Check directions. (recall the fallen birch triangulation off of rising venus directing to the pregnant biker nun who will ask you three questions…)

Having asked for a 10 minute cranium start, hare immediately scurries down the roadside embankment and into the babbling river… (wunderful) leaving the pack to kick the stones about and fear for their safety while more traffic careens by. Discussion ensued about using the perfectly good bridge just down the road, in sight even, but the more ardent hashers won out. About 8 minutes after the hare (screw him and his 10 minute ‘who-said’-start) ‘most’ of the hashers waded across the raging ankle deep torrent and into the farside woods. A couple checks and false trails and… (bastard) trail recrossed the mighty Sawmill River about 200 yds down the road from start.

Trail then proceeded on assfault for 1/2 mile or so with a couple checks run out by the intrepid Madame Flutterby (soon to be Fraü FlatternVorbei). And then… into the hay fields we went, following bread loaves worth of flour into the middle, with the trampled trail laid out by the hare, (hmm, do ya think he went that way?). And out in this here field there was this huge sign telling all who cared to wander out into the middle that this was some sort of conservation, thing, area, place…. didn’t bother to read it, sorry. Anyway, it became apparent that the hare wasn’t lying when he mentioned that he used alot of flour to mark this trail, as the wee woodland creatures were scurrying about looking to gather up enough to make a loaf or twelve. (What fox, I didn’t see no stinkin’ fox.) And then back out to assfault.

A lure or two to get the pack into the woods failed, and then came the check that is probably still visible from the top of Mount Toby, poured with enough flour to feed a third world family for weeks, mountainous masses of white powder right after Tony Montana’s heart, “Gee Opie, do you think we’re on trail?”… yet, probably just enough hash to keep a small pack together. Roughly 7 false trails were run out from the “check that could be seen from space” but the persuing pack found true trail. A long slope side tour of the Sunderland landfill began. Eau du methane anyone? Or was it just some gravel pit thing?

A short obstacle course through some logging and down to Cranberry pond, we found the hare at trail’s end. Shorty Corona’s and some other piss water were quafed in abundance. Ever notice how those seven ounces just disappear quikcer than you expect? A brief circle with down-downs for the hare, FRB, FBI, DFL. Some accusation was fabricated to give the other member of the pack a down-down, (couldn’t leave them thirsty!) and this hash was done. All in all a good trail. There was beer, it had to be good.

There was some discussion about where to on-after and with seconds of deliberation, The Harp was chosen over The Route 63 Roadhouse… fud being a definite at the former. Out on the Harp’s nearly new deck we discovered that People’s Pint ESB is NOTHING like Newcastle as our barmaid suggested. Of course this did require several sample pitchers to insure.

Canis Lickus
HVH3 Temporary Scribe

The Happy Valley 95th

( I’m cc’ing this to Boston for Snatchsquatch’s benefit. I want you to know that Just Courtney was properly baptized into the world of hashing at what so far was perhaps our best trail of the year )

Holy Smokes!!!

That was a damn good hash last night! It had all the essential ingredients for a decent hash. The four V’s – A Virgin, Veterans, Visitors and Beer. ( Well, okay, but on the phone B’s sound like V’s )

But lemme back track.

Hare: Comes On Vacation

SP: Fort River Elementary School parking lot, off Northeast Street in Amherst, Mass.

Start time: We actually started hashing at about 1930 HRs.

The Pack: Cainus Lickus, Dewey Do Me!, Anti-Cock, and hash hound Ellie May.

Visitors: 3.5 Inch Drive ( from South Florida’s “Hurricane Hash” ), Circumspector (also from the “Hurricane Hash” ), Follow My Tits ( Hartford H3 ), Garfield ( Hartford H3 ), High Bush ( Hartford H3 )

Virgin: Just Courtney

The pack assembled amidst Piels ( Remember that beer? It was really cheap, I think their catch slogan was Piels Real Draft Beer.  A nice cold can of Piels…Oops, I mean peels of thunder and bolts of lightening, but then the skies cleared and the setting sun began to shine down on the 95th running of the Happy Valley Hash House Harriers.

The Hare greeted us, and we all thought that since the area had just been soaked by buckets of rain, that there was no way she could have pre-laid trail. Plus she didn’t look like she was covered in shiggy sauce, so we figured it had to be live hared, which it was.

She axed fo’ a ten minute cranium start, and she was off. We were prepping for the run by drinking Red Stripe Jamaican beer and Long Trail Ale ( How appropriate, Huh?) Anyways, since we were imbibing and socializing with the vistors and virgin, nobody really noticed whish direction the hare took off in. After some usual mirth and such, the pack began searching for hash marks. Trail was spotted going south westerly, sort of towards the southern end of the school parking lot and back towards Northeast Street. Trail then went south on NE St (confusing, ain’t it.) Then east at the intersection with Route 9. Trail was on Ass Fault for about 3/4 of a mile then, turned off at The Maplewood Farms Micro-Brewery. Yum Yum yer thinking, well so was we, but the Brewery is closed for the summer ( That wascully wabbit! )

Trail then entered a huge farm field with Belgian Draft Horses on one side and woods to the left. The FRBs starting dashing thru this field while the rest of the pack meandered on thru. ( You’ll now get solely my pespective, as I was not one of the FRBs. ) High Bush and I spied trail going thru a break in some thickets. Trail then crossed a decent sized, but shallow stream. How refreshing we thought. Then trail proceeded into some dense underbrush and came out to a small rivulet that was just a little too wide to leap. So we plunged on into it. Plunged is the right adjective to use, because plunge into knee deep sucking mud is what we did. Trail was hard to spot because of dense poison ivy, brambles and underbrush ( Why does poison ivy always seem to cohabitate with those damn sticker bushes???).

We then spied trail flowing along the banks of that same muddy rivulet. We crawled over, under around, and around logs and mudholes, but eventually began to just use the center of the rivulet as it was the path of least resistance. At this time we realized that it sounded like the FRBs were just around a bend and very near to us.

We emerged from the rivulet into a decent sized stream. The stream had a good current to it and at first wasn’t too deep. But this is where we caught up to the FRBs. Shades of COV’s “Mekong Delta” Hash from last summer began to flood my memory bank. But this time instead of Packed Fullah Seamen diving into every hole, we had Garfield as a measuring stick to measure how deep the water would be. The water quickly became ‘Nads high’, or as the Virgin put it, “Oh Oh, My undies are getting wet”, at first that took a moment to set in, ya know, cause girls always say that around Happy Valley Hashers…

But we soon were in varying depths of muddy swirling water that filled our sneakers with pumice action grit. The Virgin Courtney took one decent dive, properly baptizing herself as a Happy Valley Hasher. Most of us were either hip deep or sometimes chest deep in the water. The banks were covered in brambles and poison ivy, so we mostly stayed in the water. We went on like this for perhaps a mile and a half.

We eventually emerged somwhere east of Amherst. We thought that perhaps the Hare would take mercy on us and shuttle us back to the SP, but OH NO…It was on on to the beer check. Trail proceeded easterly ( I think ) up some path that looked like a bike path, then into some deep, dark woods. The light began to fade and trail became harder to follow, but we ambled up and down some ridges along an arroyo like brook thing, then found the Hare at the beer check.

The check was just off the grounds of an apartment complex, so we walked on over to a picnic table for the closing circle. We did the usual down down songs fro the vistors, virgin and hare. Backsliders were also properly dealt with. Virgin Courtney was made to cum by Boston’s Snatchsquatch. She seemed well indoctrinated and impressed us all by her enthusiasm and sense of humor. And if she were on that immortal bus, she would not get off, but stay on for the ride! ( I think that was what she said? ) The visitors from the Hurricane Hash were really nice folks and they sang us some new songs that were easy enough to remember so maybe we can share them at Buffett. ( The new songs that is) Perhaps we should note here, that if the band KISS ever needs to replace Gene Simmons, that replacement could be Circumspector, if you know what I mean…

The apartment complex security guy’s attention ws grabbed by the sight of so many open beers and obnoxiously obscene songs, so he came over for a visit, but it worked out well enough as  we tried to recruit him and we beat feet quickly back to the SP. the Hare shuttled folks back and some of us opted to march back the mile and a half or so.

The On In was held at Rafters Sports bar in Amherst on University Drive. We walked in to be greeted by a tie score of 3 to 3 in the Yankees / Radd Suxx game in the Bronx. I believe it was the ninth inning and the Yankees had the bases loaded. Thus began an interesting evening of your humble Scribe, aka the only Yankees fan in the whole damn bar, vs the resident Radd Suxx goon squads. Amidst huge piles of wings and pitchers of beer we socialized, flipped each other off for every hit, error, wild pitch etc. We so were enjoying ourselves that we forgot to do a mis-management about Buffett.

I left the bar in the 13th inning with two Radd Suxx players on, one on third and one on first. Derek Jeter had just left the game after that impressive catch in the stands. We thought he was spitting out teeth as he emerged all bleeding and such.

When I got home I learned that THHHAAAA Yankees Won. So I did the neighborly good deed of calling Flutterby up while he was on a bus in the Bronx returning from the game. He sounded like he really appreciated the call.

Our next hash will be July 15th and the next one after that will be July 29th. I promise a special treat for the July 29th hash!

OOPs! Actually, our next hash will be Buffett III next weekend at Wendell State Forest.

Your Most Humble Scribble,
Anti Coch

ps, Really nice trail COV!!!!!!!

Buffet Hash Trash

Date: Saturday & Sunday July 10 -11, 2004
Hares: Anti Cock and Cainus Lickus
Theme: Jimmy Buffett III
Start: Wendell State Forest, in a big field, our own private campground
Beer Checks (4, all in the woods somewhere): by the lake, on a scenic overlook, by another lake and at a lean-to in the woods
On-in: Wendell State Forest
Time: 2:00 p.m. HST
Total Distance: how the heck would I know, it involved swimming a quarter mile or walking around a lake, a lot of up and downhill trails through the forest, and a tiny bit of traveling on dirt roads. It took 3 plus hours
Scribe: Cums Alone
Weather: nice and warm, 75 with some humidity

Hashers Present:
Boston: Bumble Beaver, Cums Alone, Doggie Treats, Just Donna (3 or 4?), Eats Around the Hole, Friar F*ck, High An*s, Lickalottapuss, Menage a Tw*t, Nipples Erectus, Paris Sucks! Puff ‘n Stuff, Queen LaQueefa, Shine On Harvard Moon, Shitty Trail (Hash Hound), Snatchsquatch, Sponge Bath Square Pants, Syphilitic Horse Molester, Sugar Plum Fairy, Wee Willie Wanker

Burlington: Suck Faster Bitch!

Happy Valley: Anti-Cock (Co-Hare), Cainus Lickus (Co-Hare), Colonel Mustard, Comes On Vacation, Dewey Do Me!, Drill Me Sergeant!, Drippi Dick, Just Frank, Hand Job? Madame Flutterby, Mr. Hankey, NFN Danette, NFN Ellie May (Hash Hound), Virgin Pete, Virgin Scott, Yeast Injector

Hardfarts: Follow My Tits, Garfield, High Bush, Packed Fullah Seamen

Ithaca: Side Show Jesus (BTW, I believe he left behind a Hawaiian Shirt)

Syracuse / Ithaca / Halve Mein / Hawaii: Just Craig

Worcester: Blackhole, Mastanater, My Newt Dick, NFN Deej, NFN Jenn

Virgins: Pete & Scott (both Happy Valley), plus 4 from Boston: Jen, Jay, Kristin, Loren, Kim

The Start and the Run:
The pack gathered from all corners of the northeast for Buffett III. The kegs had been tapped by the time Doggie Treats and I arrived. We commenced setting up the tents, but not too close to the horseshoe pit nor the volleyball net. DT’s brand new tent was missing the tent fly (Hilton’s Tent City is giving her a new one in time for the Burlington InviHashional). Fortunately, I had brought an extra tarp, so a makeshift covering was made using the tarp and bungee cords.

We prelubed and readied ourselves for the run. Trail would be marked with flour, since most of it was off road. More than 3 marks would be on, unless it was marked false. Not all falses would be marked. Somehow, during the initial circle, I missed the announcement about avoiding swimming by sticking with Cums On Vacation.

Trail went off into the woods, and within a quarter mile we found the first beer check. After a couple beers, trail went on through the woods, and lots of shiggy, bushwhacking and general difficulty. We emerged from the woods to the shore of another lake, which we were to swim across. It looked to be a quarter mile across. Hmmm, how good an idea is it to swim after several beers? Based on my shabby performance with a swim test on Friday, I joined a half dozen others who were opting not to swim. We crawled through dense underbrush up away from the lake; intent on finding some way around to the beer check we had seen on the far shore. We heard an engine in the distance.  Low and behold, we emerged in a farmer’s field. He was on his tractor, baling hay. He gave directions to the nearest road to us, and we skirted the field, where we came upon another pack of motley hashers, who were walking around the lake via the road. We arrived at the swim check, and hashers were still swimming across. Doggie Treats was helping Side Show Jesus, who was having a bit of trouble due to asthma. Several hashers
jumped in to assist. He emerged from the water, a bit winded, but okay. So, we drank some more beer. And then we commenced walking to the third beer check, which was up a fairly difficult trail to a scenic overlook. And, so we drank some more beer. From the third beer check, we walked a good distance through the woods, past a waterfall and along a stream. It was getting kind of late. We found beer check 4 at a lean to in the woods, fortunately only 400 yards from A.

The on in:
Anti Cock had disappeared (he and Virgin Pete went back to AC’s place to take a shower . ummm, okay). Finally we gave up waiting for them, and enlisted Dewey Do Me as a proxy hare. Puff-n-Stuff was RA. Comments included: “You rat bast*rd”, “F*cking dangerous”, “I almost chewed off my arm I was so hungry”, “I almost chewed off his arm I was so hungry”, “First time I got wet”, “4 beer checks, second time in the lake”. There was also
a comment about getting giardia from the lake. The hares did their down down (Puffy joined them, since he was the secret swimming hare) and sang the Yogi Bear song.

As we were still waiting for Anti Cock and Virgin Pete to arrive, all the kennels got a down down, and had to sing a song for their brother and sister hashers.

Shine On, Suck Faster B*tch and Doggie Treats were dementoresses for the virgins. *Virgin Scott said John & Cindy (Cainus Lickus and Cums on Vacation) made him cum. However, he prefers the barnyard goat, missionary style. He demonstrated missionary style with Such Faster B*tch.
*Virgin Jen said that My Newt Dick made her cum. And bikinis, not boxers or briefs cover her bush. When asked if she would f*ck a sheep, she said, “yes, twice.”
* Virgin Jay said that Virgin Kristin made him cum. When asked “what has
two thumbs and likes oral s*x?” he pointed to Shine On. He said he likes any s*xual position, but from behind is nice, and demonstrated with Suck Faster.
*Virgin Kristin said that some friend of her brother made her cum, a marine.  And if she were on a busload of lesbi*ns, it would depend on how long the ride was to determine if she would get off or not. She suggested one or two weeks as being necessary.
*Virgin Loren said that virgin Kristin made her cum. Shine On explained why women like 70-year-old gynecologists. However Loren had no idea what the square root of 69 was.
*Virgin Kim said that virgin Kristin made her cum. But no one knows where the pictures are. She demonstrated a fake org*sm, to which someone commented “Even I wouldn’t fall for that.”
The virgins were given a down down and welcomed to the hash.

And finally, Anti Cock and Virgin Pete arrived, all clean and showered.  They were given a great big down down. And sang the *sshole song. Virgin Pete was ministered to by the evil troika of harriette dementoresses. He claimed that Anti Cock made him cum (probably in the shower together). He likes a more strenuous s*xual position, standing up with the woman’s legs around him.And if he were going to mate with an animal, he would choose Anti Cock’s llama.

Black Hole’s son was due for a name (Just Craig??). He was not named Incest is Best, Pumped by Daddy, Father Does Me Best (this was due to the father-son unusual method of pushups). He was named Push It Deeper Daddy.
Frank, the master brewer, was also due for a name. He was note named Cocktail Weiner, nor Yeasty Boy. He was named Yeast Injector.
Just Donna has hashed at least 7 times with various kennels. Despite peer pressure, Wee Willie Wanker would not spill any secrets. She was not named Cheezy Colon nor Bowdoin Swallows. She was named Humpa Lumpa.

* Pussy on trail: Wee Willie Wanker
* Not wearing hash attire (changing after the run): Paris S*cks, the virgins, Queen LaQueefa
* Hat in circle, virgins
* Auto hashing: Snatchsquatch, Lickalottapuss (who started late and found trail by driving around)
* Sweat Test failures: Menage a Tw*t, and Madame Flutterby
* Losing the hashit, again. Anti Cock
* Taking showers: Anti Cock and Virgin hare Pete

“A bunch of asparagus does not equal a zucchini”
Lick My *ss crack”. Doggie Treats to Side Show Jesus, who is a Yankees fan and made the mistake of saying “Yankees rule”.

And after the circle, we had a huge barbecue, while the mosquitoes feasted on hashers. We also had beer, and yucca, and margaritas until the midnight run that I missed due to passing out.

Sunday morning dawned a bit too brightly, but we had plenty of food (bagels and cream cheese). There was a fat boy hangover run that I missed due to falling back to sleep in my tent. However the pack woke me up to give me a down down for waking people up at 6 am, when I had joined others who were eating an early breakfast.

All in all, it was a wonderful Buffett hash. The venue can accommodate larger numbers, and the state ranger liked the hash (they want us back, go figure).

— Cums Alone, your humble scribe

Upcumming Events:
* Blew Moon Hash in NH – July 30-8/1
* Hash Clam Bake: August 28
* Sky Di*e Hash September 18-19

Buffett Hash Trash Addendum: aka The Sunday Festivities.

In order to protect the guilty and inspire the innocents, I should note that some of the facts will go unmentioned or rather un – named. But I should add this sooner rather than later because of the dimming effects of the early onset of alcohol induced Alzheimers, Sure you know what I’m talking about. Lemme axe you a question, “Do you like drinkin?”….

Sunday morning rolled around much too early especially for those who participated in the midnight naked hash. Madame Flutterby hared the midnight run and the turnout was pretty numerous as it included just about all the former virgins of the afternoon’s hash. The beer check was memorable only because it was like warm Labatt’s in cans or some other major X from Canada.

Puff ‘N Stuff hared sunday mornings hangover hash. This hash was also well attended and was remarkable in mammary for a tequila check and the sighting and try at recruiting of the lesbian horse riding club.( That really happened.)

At the on after circle for the Fat Boy hangover hash it was discovered that some people were still sleeping so circle moved on over to Cums Alone’s tent and from there over to former virgin Just Jay’s tent. Just Jay was made to do a wake up down down. Such a pretty sight. ( BTW Jay, you were ratted on by Just Tracy )

There was still plenty of beer and Margheritas left and vodka etc, so as the hashers packed up and the numbers dribbled downward the rest of us kept on partying until late in the afternoon. Some of the Harriettes who were still left made a demented game of titillating and teasing the poor ****** and his *****. They guilt tripped him into doing belly shots off their scantily clad hasher platforms. Luckily Friar F#ck was there to capture all this on film. This went on for awhile until we drained the remaining nectars, and until
about 1700HRs.

We then policed up the relatively very clean site and returned to Chateau Anti-Coch and Dewey Do Me! No one violated any of the sheep or the Llama. We did order some pizzas and practically everybody crashed hard as we watched Monty Python In Search Of The Holy Grail.

Hash No. 97

Hare: Cainus Lickus

Location: Cadwell State Forest in Pelham, off Route 9.

Reason: Beer

The Pack: Dewey Do Me!, Comes On Vacation, Yeast Injector, Anti-Coch. Hash Hounds: Ellie, Zuni, and Scruffy.

That wascully wabbit Cainus was up to his old twicks again, and found a Mosquito Wildlife Refuge that eventually transgressed many, many of those evil things called, “Contour Lines.” Said contour lines are evil, invisible Gremlins that torture us poor wankers with the pleasures of nice scenic vistas and beautiful sunsets, but are also sapping our beer buzzes at the same time. Truly evil animals they are.

Anyway, COV was over achieving and was way ahead ( I said “head” ) of the pack. We slurped some beers to prep ourselves for the march. We went up some nice trails, then began crossing those aforementioned contour lines. This trail zigged and zagged, but constantly went UP!

Eventually we spied a couple of very tall antennas and a fire tower. COV was waiting for us at the beer check which was at the base of a fire tower. We all cracked some typically good Speckled Hen or Beamish, then climbed the tower. It was a really nice view of the Connecticut River Valley, and the Quabbin and the eastern and western hills surrounding the Valley. It turns out this was Mount Lincoln and home to some communications towers and a fire tower watch station.

We eventually went back down and followed trails laid by the hare. COV and Yeast Injector were FRBs on the way down. We had a few more beers, but passed on the On In as we were all still recuperating from the Buffett Hash.

HVH3 Scribe

Our Next hash will be ( I believe ) July 29th. COV to Hare. There had been some talk of changing the date, but I think we’ll be sticking with July 29th. If the date changes, we’ll post it here and on the website.

Up Cumming Events:
July 29th HVH3 No. 98 Might be MF and DMS’s going hash? and Anti-Coch’s Birthday that night.
August 12th – Our regular hash starts at 6:30pm at the end of Plains Road at the Montague Plains
Friday July 30th thru Sunday Aug 1 – Blew Moon Hash hared by J Mo at Durham  NH’s Seacoast Hash House Harriers ( Check the Boston website for Info)
Sept 18 and 19 – The Boston Hash’s Invasion of the Valley at Northampton Airport, aka the “Skydive Hash”
October: The DC Red Dress Run!!!!

Happy Valley’s Nein! Nein!

The 99th Running of the Happy Valley Hash House Harriers. aka, “Flutter and Drill Me Sgt!’s Bon Voyage Hash / Anti-Coch’s 44th B-Day Hash”. July 29, 2004

Start: Some little white church on Amherst Road in Pelham.

Time: Posted as 1830HRs, actual Hash Time of about 1900 Hrs. ( Prompt as usual )

Hare: Comes On Vacation.

The Pack: Anti-Coch, Cainus Lickus, Col. Mustard, Dewey Do Me!, Drill Me Sergeant!, Hand Job!, Just Scott ( 2nd Hash?), Madame Flutterby, Mr.Hankey, Packed Fullah Seamen.

Visitors: Garfield ( Hardfarts ), High Bush ( Hardfarts)

Hash Hounds: Ellie May, Scruffy, and Zuni.

Hare was away when Dewey and I arrived at about 1845HRs. Wankers in the parking lot next to the church, were pre-lubing with Ruddles Ale and Paulaner Hefe-Weizen. ( Yum-Yum! )

It was nice to see such a large pack present. There were some trailriders on bikes there too, but we couldn’t coax them to cum running for beer and glory. I think we did a song or something before we began the evenings trek in search of beer.

Trail led down some road that saw those nasty contour line things actually descending for once instead of escalating. The FRBs ran into a confusing check that had Flutter, Just Scott and Myself looking all over the place for trail, when On-On was heard shouted by Cainus, Hand Job? and Mr. Hankey. The rest of the pack had been searching too, so we reassembled and ambled on into the deep dark woods. We soon ran past a familiar waterhole that is actually part of the Amherst Reservoir system. The route then ran a twisty turny trail alongside a brook and on into the first beercheck. The beer was really good stuff, i.e. Beamish, Ruddles, and Guiness. I think there was one or two cans of Lite for those who wanted water.

Cainus then spotted true trail behind a pumping station and that led downhill and across a little valley before trail re-appeared on some ass-fault. The ass-fault leg took us by the scene of last years ( or was it two years ago? ) “Stairway to Hell”. Trail continued uphill on the ass-fault and then turned right back into the woods. Trail led to the scene of Virgin Tim’s first encounter with a missed beer check ( Is that why he never came back?) and that is where last night’s beercheck No.2 was. This was a Krieg Raspberry Lambic Check. The check was on a knoll above a pristine pool of gurgling mountain stream water. The temptation was too much for Packy and myself, so we took a swim, er ah, sort of, ya see it was a friggin cold mountain stream pool! Packy almost slid down ass first into the pool because he slipped on a mossy boulder thing.

Trail then went back toward “A”, but not before the light began to fade. We reached a water obstacle that had slippery rocks and a brook to cross. Most wankers took that route. Dewey slipped in, but managed to catch herself in a gentle fall. Hand Job?, Mr Hankey and Myself, took another route which eventually had me crossing a moss covered dam to rejoin the pack. HJ and Mr Hankey circumvented the whole pond.

This led everybody to the last check, which was a champagne and cake check. The cake was a sheet cake with “So Long Flutter & Drill Me Sgt!” written on it. The cake and champagne were good as was swimming in the pond. ( If you live in Amherst, I’d drink bottled water for a coupla weeks).

Trail then crossed one more mossy stream and ambled back to “A”.

From “A” we caravaned to the Hare’s abode for the circle and a feast served by the Hare and Cainus Lickus. Just Scott had brought a mini keg of delicious brew from his  microbrewery. Circle included the following exhortations: (Not necessarily in this order.) Hare in the middle. Down Down for the Hare. I Think comments and ratings worked it out to about a 6.9 rating. Next was awarding the hash shit, which I’m beginning to feel is becoming attached to my anatomy. I had to do a down down for some merciless reason or something. Next was a carry over down down, myself getting accused of some flagrant violation at the Buffett hash. Next was a birthday down down, again, I was screwed! Luckily the next down down was for backsliding. Two wankers stepped forward Mr. Hankey and Packed Fullah Seamen. ( Packed Fullah Seamen stepped forward saying something to the effect of since this is his mother hash he’d do a down down for backsliding rather than as a visitor. The pack let this chance for two down downs go by, strange ain’t it? Anyway, next was a visitors down down which Garfield and High Bush did. Next was the Bon Voyage couples turn. Drill Me Sergeant and Madame Flutterby did their duty.

Next on the agenda was awarding Madame Flutterby and Drill Me Sergeant two really cool looking engraved mugs. They were pleasantly surprised by the mugs ( and BTW, COV & Cainus, you guys did a nice job with those things! ) The engraved mugs had their names on them and Happy Valley stuff.  Garfield and High Bush also presented them with The Dummy’s Guide to Germany, which everyone signed for the occasion.

It was also my birthday and I was very surprised to be given a bottle of Scottish Malt Whiskey by COV and Cainus. Thank You very much you guys, I was very surprised and it was much appreciated. This was B-Day No.44 for those who keep track of old age on other people.

I think that brought us to religion, which we sang very loudly and clearly.

Next, we feasted on BBQ’ed boneless pork ribs ( which tasted fantastic! ) and a big spread of salads and ears of corn. This was followed by like four cakes.

All in all it was another really fun, great HVH3 Hash!!!!

Our next hash will be Thursday night, August 12. Start will be at the end of Plains Road in the Montague Plains. Go to the end of Plains Road and park under the power lines. ( The entrance to Plains road is opposite the Montague Fish Hatchery) Check a western mass atlas or go to the website for erections. 1830 HRs. We will have at least two virgins there that night. Guarantee!

Nein! Nein!

HVH3 Scribe

Hey I guess the next one is our hundredth. Any thoughts about that? Tags perhaps???

HVH3 100th

We nonchalantly marked the cumming and going of the Happy Valley 100th with a good ol fashioned “normal” hash this past thursday.

Hare: Me ( AC )

Start: Under the power lines at the end of Plains Rd. in the Montague Plains, in Montague, Mass.

Date: August 12th.

Hounds: Cainus Lickus, Comes On Vacation, Dewey Do Me, Just Scott, Madame Flutterby, Yeast Injector.

Virgins: Just Matt, and Just Chris.

The afternoon saw heavy downpours throughout the Montague area so this hare had to live hare a hash for perhaps the first time ever. I axed for a ten minute cranium start and I think I was actually granted a full ten minutes. I had managed to prelay a short leg away from the SP and have it come back to the SP so the first beer check was at the start. From there I laid trail thru a sandpit just as it was being exited by a faithful follower of Charelton Heston. His small arms looked to be no bigger than .22 cal. Trail then took advantage of many twisty turning trails and figure eighted back to the SP for the second beer check. I stopped along the trail because one leg came close to a previous section and I was almost seen by Madame Flutterby. But as I waited for the coast to be clear I heard the Railroad whistle of COV so I started to finish the trail back to “A”. But then Flutterby and Yeast Injector emerged onto my trail so I had to sprint back while laying the last of the hash marks.

Total trail was about 2 1/2 miles and the rain managed to stay away.

At the circle Flutterby axed for nominations to suckseed him as the new RA. Most of us quickly shouted ” NOT IT ” but COV wasn’t quick enuf and was nominated by CL. The I’s had it and COV is now the RA.

Flutterby and COV then jointly RA’d the circle. The virgins were questioned, but they had been properly advised earlier by their uncle, yep, me. That’s right, I exposed my relatives to the Hash and both nephews thoroughly enjoyed it.

Also at the circle someone questioned the newness of my sneakers, but I avoided the standard repulsive down down because their newness was hidden by layers of flour and mud.


For the On In we all proceeded to the Monthly meeting of the Valley Fermenters in Old Deerfield where we enjoyed dessert and sweet wine varieties. Just Scott had brought  along a small keg of delicious Hefeweizen which the VF folks really liked.

Oh yeah, then we went back to Chez Sheep and drank beer until midnight.

Yo mos’ humble scribble,

next hash: August 26th. Hare will be Cainus Lickus and the start will be at Mike’s Westview Cafe aka “The Harp” in North Amherst. Hopefully since it’ll be in Amherst we’ll see some Amherst backsliders show up ( Yeah, Just Arne, and Just Courtney, there’s a down down waiting for ya.)

Happy Valley 101

Okay Wanker kiddies, todays lesson is drinking in public – Or how to get away with it these days in Amherst. by I.P.Dailey

HVH3 101

The Hare, Cainus Lickus, just couldn’t let a dead dog lie, or whatever that old saying is, so  he again resurrected that old trail of his and we all met at The Harp in North Amherst for a Hash.

Dewey Do Me! & I went to The Harp early and had their infamous Lobster special with Mussels appetizer and some delicious brews to quaff. Inside we met Just Scott ( BTW how many hashes has he made? Isn’t he due a naming soon? ), and soon after we were joined by the hare, COV and new cummer Just Drew.

Just Drew is a transplant to Western Mass from an Orlando Hash. I should also mention COV brought the Mighty Hash Hounds out for the evenings festivities.

We circled up for the hare’s axed for ten minute cranium start. Trail then proseeded south on Sunderland Road then at a check followed the Mill Stream under a bridge under Rte 63 thence easterly thru Mill Stream Park. Trail then crossed Mill Stream and followed the opposite bank as it delved into the myriad of trails that swarm all over the backside of the park. Trail then emerged below Puffers Pond.

From there the trail ran easterly and then hooked left at that intersection then along the eastern edge of Puffers Pond. Trail then ran uphill along the feeder stream into the pond. At this point I started to “Zen” to the beer check. I got to the BN just ahead ( Who said Head?) of COV. BN was on a rock in the middle of the stream, but we were baffled by the ingeniously hidden cache of brews. The hare had said that the beercheck would be very close to the BN but it was hidden under a midden of leaves and sticks. ( Plus the Molson bag was perfect camoflage for the fading light and conditions.) Just Scott sniffed out the bag and the circle was complete. Dogfish Ale and the Pack was merry. We were then met by the hare who announced that safety cautioned the end of trail running due to fading illumination.

We ran, jogged, walked back to the second Beercheck at the little parking lot SW of Puffers Pond. Along the way, COV accosted three joggers and did some recruiting.

Circle was conducted at the second Beercheck. This was COV’s first official solo circle as HVH3 RA. First in the circle was the Hare, we sang him a song and he did his DD. Trail was mostly rated a 5.8 for lack of illumination, shiggy, bimbos, whiskey, and some other stuff. Oh yeah and because it was a recycled trail.

I can’t remember if there were any accusations. Hash shit nominations were: Cainus nominated COV for something, then COV nominated Cainus for something, which I seconded and the Eyes had it so CL got the proud possession of the hash shit and now that monkey is off my back.

Just Drew got a newcummers DD and his favorite barnyard animal is a goat, under further questionning it was determined that he prefers Alpine goats over Nubians. ( But does he Yodel?)

Next Hash will be Thursday, Sept. 9 in Shutesbury. Hare: COV. She said vicinity of Pratt Corner Road, but more specific directions will be posted.

For the record( Cause that’s what the scribe does, keep track of shit.) Just Courtney e-mailed that she thought she could make this past hash and on learning that shed have to do a backsliders DD, She replied that, ” She’d proudly swallow” . That backsliders list grows with the absence of Cajonas, Hand Job, Mr. Hankey, Col. Mustard, and Just Arne ( Who we are not sure is even still in the AO.)

PPS, Saturday is FMT’s trail outside of Hartford. I’ll be going down about 12:30 and returning by 5p.m. if anyone wants to do the Hardfart 100th.

Yo’ mos’ humble Scribble,

Fall Foliage F#ck Up, or HVH3 # whatever it was.

Happy Valley Hash No.?

Hares: Friar F#ck & Shine On Harvard Moon ( Boston H3 )

Hounds: Anti-Cock, Cainus Lickus, Cajonas, Comes On Vacation, Dewey Do Me!, four virgins supplied by Cajonas, and the trusty hash hounds, Zuni, Scruffy, and Ellie May.

Start: Some place in Callahan State Forest near Framingham.

The hash trail was long and thirsty. It wound it’s way up and down and all around said forest, but OOps, I should mention the start. The start was pre-empted by a quick assemblage of the Crack House Harriers. Mtg over we soon returned to the start circle for some Father Birmingham led by BH3 Ra, Puff ‘N Stuff. With fine brews in hand we did introductions. There were about 40 hashers present. The HVH3 was well represented especially by the dignified pack of well instructed virgins brought (kidnapped?) by Cajonas.

The start of the trail was a little bit of, shall we use some army terminology here, lets say it was a bit of a “Charlie Foxtrot.” FRBs became DFLs and walkers became part of the pack. But within a few miles it all got sorted out, sort of. We ran along a dike, versus running amongst them in NoHo, and then on into woodsy trails and such. Mile after mile it became apparent that our earlier brew buzzes were going to wear off way before the beer check. Eventually a BN was sighted and we were pleased to find a 1/4 keg, but not enuf cups to properly quaff our fill. The Halve Mein Contingent did a rousing rendition of some Beatles song with new lyrics which was honestly one of the funniest hash songs I’ve heard in awhile. What was it you ask? – I don’t know, we was drinkin!

We eventually made our way to the On In where the circle was conducted. The on in was in some Podunk bar that was expecting 20 or so well behaved hashers. 40 loud and experienced hashers is what they got. Our welcome wore thin real quick. The usual antics were observed, then dinner was served to 20 hashers. Except there were 40 hashers, so that didn’t work either. Anti-Cock invited the Halve Meins and HVH3 contingent back to Wendell for some munchies, beer and hot tub. So we did. But directions are kinda confusing when yer getting properly lubed, so the ride home was kinda interesting.

We eventually made it and continued the antics until about 2 A.M.

Blah, Blah, Blah, Blah, and then we drank some more.

HVH3 Scribe.

Next hash, I believe is the New England Red Dress Run in Newport, RI  November, 6,7

Happy Valley No. 108

Happy Valley No. 108
13 NOV 04
1400HRs or so…

Hare: Comes On Vacation
Location: Hampshire Health Club off Gatehouse Lane, Amherst, Massachusetts.

Hounds: Anti-Cock,Yeasty Boy,Cainus Lickus, and new transplant to the Happy Valley – Spread ‘Em from the Pittsboig H3, also a Real Live Virgin!  Josh. ( Keep in mind for future reference that his last name is the same name as a famous “Flute Player” or clarinet or something…)
Okay now I’m gonna miss a couple because I didn’t have a notebook with me, so as an addendum maybe somebody from the BH3 could give me a better list of all the BH3 people who were there, but here goes:
Boston H3
: Paris Sucks!, Muffalotta, Cock Climber, Cums Alone, Yeast Infection, High Anus, Friar F#ck, Puff ‘N Stuff, The Jizz Moppa, Hair Club for Queers, and three more, two of whom I can picture but can’t remember their hash names. Old age, beer, Evan Williams and hanging out with The Crack House Harriers on trail will do that to your brain cells if ya don’t watch out…
Madison, Wisconsin H3
: Mouse Beater

So about two days before the hash, I got a phone call from Hair Club explaining that Boston’s 2nd Annual “Trust Us” Hash was really gonna cum to our hash as a surprize. Could I delay the start long enough for them to meet us at about 1430Hrs? I thought that highly possible as our standard hash time is always about that anyway. I called the Hare’s house and got Cainus Lickus on the line and explained that I was gonna be bringing quite a few virgins from my place of employment and to make sure their would be enough brewskis at the BC. ( I really was expecting at least two more virgins but they were no shows )

The HVH3 had gotten a message or two from Spread ‘Em, a transplant from our friends in the Pittsburgh H3, and so I picked her up from the UMass campus. Luckily she enthusiastically accepted my idea of a stop at Spirit Haus on the way to the hash, so we gained a few extra stalling minutes by stopping and getting some Sam Smith Tadcasters and a new hash mug.

We got to the SP at about 1410HRs and from there the devious delay plan started to unhatch. The hare, Comes On Vacation, was ready for her cranium start and axed for the usual ten minutes. I explained that my virgins were running late and would not be there for at least 30 more minutes. ( Hare Club had called from Templeton on Route 2 to say they had just reached a circle jerk and beer check and would be there in about thirty minutes ) Well COV shot me a look that would kill and explained that the start was 1400Hrs and that we would be losing daylight, but I threw myself on that pineapple and took the abuse. Sorry COV but their itinerary was outta my control. Anyways, it gave us just that much more time to pre-lube for the hash.

After the hare had been gone for about ten minutes and the rest of the HVH3 pack was grumbling and shifting from one foot to the other I explained to Cainus and Yeasty Boy, that in actuality I had fourteen definites from where I work cumming and that they would be there by 1445 HRs. Cainus got an incredulous look on his face and said something like, “Did you say 14?”

After a few more minutes the Boston H3 caravan showed up and and the surprize was complete! I think the BH3 people were as surprized as were the HVH3 folks. Some BH3 people said they were apprehensive as soon as they got as far as Athol and suspected that a HVH3 hash might be involved. But everybody jumped out, pre-lubed – got a quick chalk talk, did a  introductions circle, and the pack was off.

Trail proceeded out of the parking lot and north along Gate House Lane. Trail then peeled off into some woods and into some slippery shiggy. We had received any where from 1-3 inches of snow throughout the Happy Valley, and although it was a bright shiny day, the snow still covered the ground. It was also kinda cold enough for hats, gloves and jackets. Trail meandered along parts of the Robert Frost Trail, so there was a trail to follow, but the trail often crosses little streams with two or one board bridges. Each bridge was covered in ice and snow, so they were very slippery. You could skip a bridge, but that usually put you in ankle deep semi-frozen mud. Nice, very nice. At one small bridge that had an incline to it, I saw Paris Sucks! do an imitation of a Looney Tunes character, it was like from a cartoon where the character is running as fast as she can up a slippery board. Luckily, she avoided a spill into the shiggy.

I was basically sweeping trail but then was astonished to hear a “Beer Here” call from nearby. The BC contained many tasty brews, ranging from Molson, and Beamish and Ruddles to good old PBR. A meeting of the Crack House Harriers was also convened, Thank you CC!

The Hare was waiting at the BC and she was pleasantly surprised to see the large pack. We sang some Hash standards and as a transplant, Spread ‘Em led us in a few. Puffy also led us in such hash classics as, a, hum, where was I….I know he wanted to do the Friggin in the Riggin one, but a , anyway.

So On On was called and away went the pack. This was a A to A hash so trail led back to the Hampshire Health Club via a crossing of East Main Street in Amherst.

The entire pack returned within a short while except for Paris Sucks! Cainus and Yeasty Boy deployed in search mode but she showed up before the search team returned. She apparently went door to door throughout the neighborhood in search of some Chardonnay or something? I didn’t really catch it.

At the Circle the accusations and injustices flew wide and fast. Although Cainus Lickus neglected to carry the HVH3 Hashsicle ( I’m having an HVH3 moment, what do you call that thing, the hash, oh the “Hash Shit”), so he forgot to carry the Hash shit, but since I was faithfully wearing the colors of the Boys from da Bronx, somehow I got awarded the hash shit!!!!! A few others were nailed for wearing hats in the circle [ It was friggin Cold!!!] And then we initiated the Virgin Josh. He was baptized for trying to pick his own hash name. He will not be known as “Bordello” He was axed what his favorite sexual position was and he not only replied, but showed us it was kneeling with his hands down his pants. He wasn’t very good at math, so we skipped the square root question. If on a busload of homosexuals, would he get off? He replied he rides that bus everyday. Josh did a fine job draining his down down beer and will be now known as “Just Josh” a virgin no more.

Next up was a naming for a Boston Hasher. I think he real name was “Just John” but I could be way wrong on that. Asked to tell us a little about himself, he mentioned that he works with emotionally disturbed kids. Muffalotta said something about mixing work with pleasure in hanging out with hashers which got a roar of laughter from the pack. I asked him if was “Trained in Restraints” and he replied he was. I nominated the name, “Trained in Restraints”

High Anus mulled that one over for about 2/10s of a second and shouted out, “How about Finger Cuffs”, a reference to a scene from Kevin Smith’s “Chasing Amy” A few other names were mentioned but it came down to a tie between those two named ones. Hence from now on he’ll be known as, “Finger Cuffs” ( Not to jump ahead, but at the On In his name was amended to. ” Finger Licking Cuffs”)

Technically, that means there are two Boston Hashers whose names I can’t remember from the visting pack. I can picture both. One who has short dark hair, has a name I’ve heard before, because it was familiar when he said it. The second said something about being from the UK.

Okay, anyway. The On In was held at the Hanger on University Drive in Amherst. the Hanger has lots of TVs with sports and some Killer Wings selections. We ordered platters of wings, nachos and french fries. We also somehow managed to get the two largest tables at The Hanger and push them together which was a first, I think. We actually almost had room for everybody to sit together. ( Normally the hanger gets PACKED.) It did eventually get packed but that was after we had been there awhile.

Originally the plan had been to stop by the Hanger and then go to Packards in Northampton, but I left from The Hanger, so if that happened can somebody do a addendum?

Faithfully Submissive,
Your HVH3 Scribble

Any Deviant Deviations are solely the FU of the scribe.

Next HVH3/Halve Mein Hash will be the day after Thanksgiving outside Pittsfield.

Guest Hare will be Anal Lick It All from the Summit H3. Can somebody scribe that one? I’ll actually be doing the Summit H3 hash that weekend. “Go Figure.”